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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My husband is being a dick.

43 replies

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 11:21

I'm a SAHM. I do all the tidying, cooking, cleaning, childcare, washing etc. His one job is to wash the dishes. We have not one clean dish in the house. He's not done a full load of dishes for over a year because he leaves them so long that they pile up and pile up then he spends a while doing them and goes for "a break". He won't open or shut the curtains, he forgets apparently. He doesn't help out, at all, and I feel like it's because I'm the one asking him to help. I asked him to move all the medicine out of the reach of our 9 month old so he left an open bottle of nurofen on the floor, behind a door so I never noticed it, and our son drank from it. Night spent at A&E. I've just found an open bottle of Anbesol (teething liquid) on the floor so he obviously didn't learn from last time. Yesterday our son didn't sleep all day and instead spent the day screaming from overtiredness. I managed to get him to sleep and in his cot twice and my husband woke him up. Twice.

Sorry for the incoherent rant, I'm incredibly stressed and need advice on how to handle this. No suggestions of ltb please.

OP posts:

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FrootLoopy · 28/08/2014 11:26

If your DH wakes up him up, then its his job to get him to sleep.

I'd be tempted to pour the medicine all over his head, quite frankly. But I'm guessing that wouldn't be appropriate......

If he doesn't do the dish washing, then stop doing things for him. Don't wash or iron his clothes, stop preparing meals for him, etc. It's not like he has all that much to do. Tell him that your jobs for him will recommence when he starts doing what he is supposed to do.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/08/2014 11:28

buy a dishwasher? and seriously...think about the ltb...are you saying he left medicine deliberately for your son to find??

trikken · 28/08/2014 11:30

Tell him to sort himself out.

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 11:30

Can't afford a dishwasher, no space anyway. No not deliberately, just too lazy to put it away so he just put it on the floor, coincidentally in a place I couldn't see it. No way am I doing anything for him until he gets his arse in gear.

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SolidGoldBrass · 28/08/2014 11:33

What do you get out of living with this man? This isn't just laziness, it sounds like deliberate attempts to scare and distress you and force you to be an obedient slave.
It's not uncommon for abusive men to either hurt their children or endanger them in order to punish and control their wives.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/08/2014 11:33

Being a stay at home parent is hard .working full time is hard. Conflict about who's doing what is common , but not having one clean dish in the house is too much.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/08/2014 11:39

I can't understand how it's laziness to open a bottle of medicine and leave it on the floor behind a door. that takes more effort than leaving out in the original cupboard surely??? what ess his reaction when you pointed out that your child had found it??? I wouldn't be able to leave the washing up like that regardless of whether it's his job or not. do yourself a favour ..do the washing up. It's unhygienic to leave it festering. then sit down with your husband and decide which tasks he is going to do

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 11:42

He's not abusive Solid, just doesn't think things through. Dropdeadfred our couch is next to the door. He gave our son nurofen then put the bottle next to the couch, then left the room so the open door was hiding the bottle. Does that make sense? I'm not doing his dishes. That's why he's leaving them, so I'll do them. We've had discussions about this, he always says he'll help but never actually does.

OP posts:

FrootLoopy · 28/08/2014 11:48

Doesn't think things through? He doesn't think at all!

Actions speak louder than words. His actions are telling you who he is - a lazy git who won't ever lift a finger to do anything around the house.

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 11:50

I know that

OP posts:

FrootLoopy · 28/08/2014 12:00

On another thread a poster said their rule of thumb was 'Would I want my son to grow up to be like this person? Would I be proud of them if they did?'

If the answer is no, then you should leave.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/08/2014 12:03

He is deliberately leaving the medicine open and in reach of the children to scare you into submission,sorry .

Spend a couple of weeks detaching. take a step back and observe from a distance.

does he ever do anything that causes danger to himself? Or forget to do stuff that's important to him? I bet he doesn't.

My abusive ex used to put our dcs in danger too. I wish I'd had mumsnet then.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/08/2014 12:04

another thought ...what you allow will continue...

stop making this about who's job is who's. clean the kitchen up and then sit down for a proper chat. maybe he could take on other tasks instead of the kitchen?

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 12:06

He's a kind, generous, giving person. So in that respect, yes, I would be happy for my son to grow up like him. He's also the laziest person I've ever met. He was neglected as a child and never really knew how to look after himself/the household until he met me so I think that's where it comes from. I think he genuinely thinks it's okay to be like this which is why it's so hard to make him understand that no, it's really not.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/08/2014 12:07

have you posted about this tool before ?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/08/2014 12:08

I'm assuming he manages to hold down a full time job, right? So he's capable of thinking for 40 hours a week but regresses when he gets home.

It's unacceptable and frankly dangerous behavior.

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 12:08

Maybe months ago... Not any time recently.

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Dropdeadfred2 · 28/08/2014 12:09

Okay..so you show him. I'd suggest you clean the kitchen up and then agree that you keep it clean. it can't get that messy each day if you are only cooking for two adults and a baby. talk to him about your expectations for your little family including the state of the house. Hygiene is important especially when you have small children

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 12:10

I know Lumpy. I just can't seem to make him understand that.

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Vivacia · 28/08/2014 12:10

I'm assuming he manages to hold down a full time job, right? So he's capable of thinking for 40 hours a week but regresses when he gets home.

This is what I was thinking.

OP what did he say and act when you pointed out the second incident of leaving medicine in the reach of his child?

AnyFucker · 28/08/2014 12:11

He's a kind, generous, giving person ?

No, he isn't

he is lazy, selfish, manipulative and a poor role model

your choice to tolerate that, of course

DaleyBum · 28/08/2014 12:11

He's at work just now so hasn't responded.

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Vivacia · 28/08/2014 12:11

I just can't seem to make him understand that.

He knows. It's obvious and you've already had one A&E visit to hammer things home. He's choosing to not give a shit.

AnyFucker · 28/08/2014 12:12

Of course he understands it, he understands perfectly well

Vivacia · 28/08/2014 12:12

He's at work just now so hasn't responded.

So it's only just happened? You must be livid. I feel angry (and a bit scared) on your behalf!

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