Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A woman who loves too much?

(24 Posts)
goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 10:00:27

A lady here suggested that I am one of those women who love too much. I do have the book and have recognised many traits and identical backgrounds. I could be but I am not convinced I am with a man not worthy of love (and I am pretty feisty!), and I was wondering what you girls think...
I was here before, complaining about his snoring. Again I was on the bumpy pull up bed last night as a result. I am getting moulded ear plugs, made to fit, from Boots next week. I have suggested he goes to the docs, he is reluctant, but I think he may go...if I push again. I realise, I shouldn’t have to push...
I was also here before, complaining about his family. They have made inappropriate digs at me, said that we may not be compatible because I suffer from anxiety and have a dog with separation anxiety! When I first met them, they ignored me. In the meantime, OH has not stood up for me. I don’t like this one bit, loyalty means a lot to me. He is definitely someone who avoids conflict, he hates to upset his family....yet I have been very upset by their approach to me. He thought a lot of them until I came along, now he has seen how badly they can behave.
I hate to think this may indicate a weakness to his character.
The other day, he stood up for Kate Bush of all people! Was more than capable of defending her to me, and he has other passionate opinions that he can say. Yet at work, he is very quiet too, people can walk all over him.
He has an OCD personality. He folds his clothes in a very professional way, has certain routines that he adheres to. I think he may have a mild form of aspergers. It isn’t always easy to live with.
He ex wife had OCD, they were together for more than 20 years. She never spoke out as to how she really felt. Then she left him for another man, left him in loads of debt. They hardly had sex for ten years. My contribution to the house is that I pay him the same amount that the mortgage is every month. He buys the food, pays other bills. I am disabled, he is working full time earning a good wage. I always contribute when we go out, sometimes paying more than him.
He is a very accepting man. Sometimes I think he would have been with anyone really, as long as they had something in common. He is quiet, very intelligent and sensitive. He isn’t abusive in any way and is supportive of anything I do. If he had his way, he would avoid all conflict.
Then there is me...I am strong willed and feisty. I do not avoid conflict. I think this has come about because I have been the submissive doormat; I have been physically, emotionally and sexually abused more times that I care to remember.
My life does somewhat revolve around him, however, I do a lot for him, perhaps to please him. I am not selfish.
He and his ex wife never argued. We have, at least, I him!
But occasionally I think he would be better off with a mouse of a woman than a fiery person like me! If I see something wrong, I shout it from the rooftops, whereas he just tries to ignore it almost!
We love each other, have a lot in common, great intimate life (though sometimes I feel I am chasing a little for it) and are very affectionate with each other.
So many women are abused and I don’t feel I am in that category anymore.
If anything, I think I over react so much through low self esteem and worrying.
It is true that he has to lie on the bed to do his ponytail every day! Half past five he gets up and I end up getting up with him. He is so routine based, I can’t see that changing.
I recognise fully that I need more of a life...but am I really a woman who loves too much?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 10:38:08

I don't know about loving too much. These self-help books leave me a little cold tbh... However, I'm struck that your post is mostly about him, his habits, his character, his family, his snoring, his routine, his 'issues' etc... and all you say about yourself is that you are strong willed and feisty. I don't get any sense of who you are and what you want out of life, you personally. You seem to be somewhere between an accessory and a carer. The way you speak about him, you could be a nurse describing a difficult patient... or a teacher describing an interesting student. Slightly detached and observational.

Not being abused by someone doesn't necessarily make it a good relationship.

Sandiacre Thu 28-Aug-14 10:43:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caramelwaffle Thu 28-Aug-14 11:26:04

"I recognise fully that I need more of a life..."

Yes. Yes, you really do. Cogito and Sandiacre are spot on: he is the centre of your life, and making a man the centre of your life can become exceedingly....boring.

caramelwaffle Thu 28-Aug-14 11:35:27

How would you really like to be living your life?

Where would you live? How would your finances work? What are your ambitions and hobbies? Does he encourage and support you? Good men do this. (Not abusive men who do this at the start of a relationship to hook you in, then switch when they have you)

"He is supportive of anything I do..."

But he resists doing what is needed to let you have a good nights sleep. It's an ongoing issue.

Cogito is correct that there is a disconnect in the way you talk about this man, also in what he really is to you.

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 12:15:03

A woman who loves too much normally seeks out partners who are emotionally unavailable and they try very hard within the relationship to make it work; often because they have suffered a traumatic/abusive childhood. They are attracted to the thrills of a relationship where they have to do all the work to make it work...trying to make them change to make them happy, when in fact it should be about them, and making themself happy too, even being selfish. In a way, what has been said so far says was all about him, though of course, this post was meant to be about him, I suppose! I suffer from agoraphobia and anxiety, I am very isolated but what I would love to do? A fulfilling job helping others (I am doing all I can to get this) more friends (trying different avenues on this one too, despite the agoraphobia) and having the chance to explore my spiritual and compassionate side more. I am a published writer. I love to sing and dance. I love life despite all I have been through. I would live in the countryside if I had my way. He wants that too. I worry sometimes he is not enough for me, not strong enough (is that where you get the idea of boredom from, maybe?) and yes, the sleep should have been dealt with before, it is unfair. He says it is unfair and does nothing about it. We are often very loved up...he is the only man I have ever felt so close to, ever really loved. I feel I am too old to start to look again! I am 43 and have had more disastrous relationships that you could shake a stick at! I do want excitement, I don't want to lose him but occasionally, I wonder, is this it? Is he selfish? I personally think I have emerged from being a woman who loves too much. Sometimes I am too negative and over reactive. Just can't get the damn balance right!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 12:29:00

The only true test is whether you're happy in your own skin. There are always things we could change or improve but do you generally wake up in the morning feeling generally optimistic and looking forward to the day ahead or are the 'is that all there is?' type thoughts more pervasive? Do you suffer from anxiety or is something making you anxious?.. I think there's a difference

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 12:37:03

Normally wake up feeling a bit unmotivated but wanting to do all I can to make things better. Anxiety does get in the way...especially agoraphobia but still determined. Generally happy with who I have become but sometimes wish I wish I could be more accepting, like OH is! Maybe then I wouldn't question things so much.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 12:44:07

Make things better for you or him? What does he do to make your life better for you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Aug-14 13:03:03

"A woman who loves too much normally seeks out partners who are emotionally unavailable and they try very hard within the relationship to make it work; often because they have suffered a traumatic/abusive childhood. They are attracted to the thrills of a relationship where they have to do all the work to make it work...trying to make them change to make them happy, when in fact it should be about them, and making themself happy too, even being selfish".

That is you though and this particular rot started with your own cold mother who taught you a very damaging set of lessons on relationships.

You've likely been doing all that your whole life and what you have tried has not worked. This man you're with now is just the latest in a long line of unreliable men who use and abuse you for their own ends.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.”
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behaviour.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behaviour that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

You want this non relationship to work at great cost to yourself and put his needs and wants well above yours. You're still trying to fill a gaping hole that your mother made. She also taught you how to be co-dependent.

Only you can change your own life, this man is not interested in you but his own self. FGS he even has to lie down to tie his own ponytail.

You are 43 and not too old at all to start again. Only you can move your own life forward, this man has it made and is not interested in you. I would also go as far to say that he is simply the latest in a long line of emotionally unavailable abusive men.

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 13:09:14

I do try to make things better for make my life better, to get out there more, rather than the only highlight of my day being OH walking through the door! I've always tried hard, to be honest. But that is a good point, what does he do to make my life better for me...hmmm, he sat with me for two hours the other night when I had a panic attack and then extremely high levels of anxiety, he cooks for me frequently....bugger, think I've done more for him; sexy surprises, little notes, sent him roses at work, got him more xmas presents than he got me! Arranged two romantic weekends...oh dear...he has given me the odd bunch of flowers, one love note I think. Yep, I have given more...guess I can see that now :-( Though he does do the majority of the cooking ;-) Christ, I need a life! Thanks Cogito for reminding me of the light :-)

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Aug-14 13:15:27

I think you've carried this relationship and him because you still so want to make it work. This is co-dependency and that in a relationship is deeply unhealthy. You've done far more and he thinks he can fob you off with some flowers and a love note.

You probably did the same behaviours with your own cold hearted and emotionless mother, tried to get her approval and love via very similar methods. You likely wanted her to so notice you.

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 13:28:49

She didn't show emotion. She was never there for me when I was ill and scolded me if I was ill (so now I have a phobia unfortunately). She told me off for not being affectionate! And then I found I just couldn't be affectionate, I'd get embarrassed. I couldn't cuddle my father and she'd tell me that he was upset that I couldn't cuddle him. But I felt so awkward. I did used to leave her notes, under her pillow, telling her that I loved her. She didn't love me unconditionally, everything was rigid routines. I went to see a counsellor once to talk about this, and the counsellor sought out the hurt little girl still inside me and I sobbed and sobbed...because the pain of what she did to me has never ever gone. The pain of my father letting her do that to me, my brother who doesn't care about me either and I know that all that hurt and pain has made me what I am today...all the abusive relationships, the short changing myself, the settling sometimes...everything. But life, it can be very hard and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes I am amazed I am here but happy to be, because changes can always be made.

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 13:30:49

The thing is, my OH feels he can love me like I have never been loved before...he says he does and wants what is best for me. Course I find it hard to trust him and sometimes even my own judgment now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 13:33:34

If the relationship is generally pleasant but too one-sided, you can potentially try to correct the balance by being less eager to please and more demanding. You don't seem to be having much impact with the snoring problem. How would you feel about being a lot more assertive? Does the anxiety get in the way or is it worth a shot?

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 14:10:40

I think it is worth a shot Cogito, for once, anxiety doesn't get in the way of being assertive. Thank you :-)

kaykayblue Thu 28-Aug-14 14:34:42

But he clearly DOESN'T do what's best for you because he insists on lying on the bed to do his fucking ponytail.

That's such a minor thing and he can't even be bothered to make a small change that would significantly benefit you.

He'll defend Kate Bush but not his own wife?

And you still think he would do and want what's best for you...?

blueshoes Thu 28-Aug-14 15:13:59

From reading your OP, I have to say I felt exhausted for you. You are running rings around him both in real life as well as in your head and I am not sure he fully appreciates that. I guess that is why people are saying you love too much - you are doing all the running around.

Is that how you are happy for the relationship to continue as it is? What is it you are dissatisfied about. I am struggling to understand. Clearly there is some kind of problem that is why you are posting but what is the outcome you seek?

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 15:32:40

Kaykayblue...I do think he has an issue when it comes to his hair! He has to have a high ponytail, to cover his bald patch and has to lie on the bed to do it, which is daft. Bloody daft. And yes, I have already had a go at him for defending Kate Bush. Pisses me off to be frank. So as blueshoes has said, I am not going to run rings around him. I think I am going to be selfish, and see where that takes me. I do know that if he doesn't stand up for me with his family, I think that might be the moment he may regret. I think I have been seeking the outcome of happily ever after, and posted here to express myself really, more than anything. To see whether that outcome is possible.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 28-Aug-14 15:46:38

He wears a high ponytail to cover his bald patch? Bet he looks a right twat.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Aug-14 15:51:43

I think you are going to find it very hard to become more selfish because you've really been conditioned from childhood (starting with your mother) that your own needs and wants were not important. Your role was to serve her. Her love was conditional (as is this man's you are now with). You have no real idea I think how to put your own needs and wants first because of inbuilt conditioning.

One way forward for you is to talk to a counsellor again about the relationship between your mother and you. That little girl still needs to be heard and acknowledged further.

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 15:55:18

It's a self conscious thing, isn't it? It looks heaps better as a low ponytail. It attracts ridicule to be honest. Obviously he thinks it looks better that way. Makes him look almost Chinese. If I say anything, he says I complain about all he does; his choice in music, the way he has to iron, spending so long in the shower, I suppose the list does go on and then I feel bad...for he doesn't complain about me. Perhaps I am perfect! ;-)

goldsilver Thu 28-Aug-14 15:57:25

Yes, Attila, I think you are right. And I am going to find counselling for is at the top of my list and I have you to thank for that :-)

ThunderHeart Thu 28-Aug-14 22:01:57

Good lord. He has a ponytail?!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now