Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New Relationship advice(67 Posts)
It's been years since I have been active on this site. I found it invaluable when my children were small, and again when I was going through my divorce.
So, forward about 5 years and you guys were the first place I thought of when I needed some new relationship advice.
Ok, some background - I am a divorced single parent of 5 children, aged 19, 16, 13, 12 and 11. I have been happily single, occasionally dating for the past 6 years.
I work as an escort. If this is an issue for people, or if you don't want to talk to me, please just say so kindly as I don't wish to offend or upset. I am a nice person, a good mum and friend
Six months ago a client came to see me, a professional gentleman in his late 40's (a few years older than me) and we hit it off straight away.
A few appointments with me later and I found myself really attracted to this guy both emotionally and physically.
One evening a week later he texted me out of the blue to say he had missed seeing me but didn't want to book me, and would I consider allowing him to take me out instead. The answer to that would be an absolute no on every other occasion, but I really liked him.
3 months later and lots more dates, dog walks and nights in with a takeaway, we tentively discussed a relationship. We have now been together properly (but taking things very slowly) for nearly 3 months.
I told him at the beginning that I enjoy my job and it provides a very good income for my children and I, and that there would be no chance of me retiring at this point in time. We have drawn up some boundaries regarding my clients, and have changed the services I offer to draw a between work and our relationship. I don't discuss my work unless he asks me, and he decides how much he wants to know. He has, so far coped really well.
Here is where I need advice . . .
He has admitted to me that he has used escorts almost all his adult life, even while he was married, then when in a long term relationship since. He says he finds the urge to visit them overwhelming. He has never formed any relationships with any of them, usually seeing each one only once or twice.
I don't actually have a problem with him visiting them as long as he tells me, (I was previously in an open relationship for a while and it suited us both) but Im not sure he would.
In your opinion ladies (and gentlemen if you wish) is this relationship a non starter?
I am in absolutely no doubt that they 9my clients) are cheating, selfish, disrespecting liars
But my boyfriend is different
Really ? You can't see the dixconnect there ?
I didn't say he was different AnyFucker. I asked for opinions as to whether we could make it work or not
Well, if he lied, disrespected and cheated on previous partners and seems pretty unconvincing that he has had a complete personality transplant in the meantime, that drastically reduces the chances of it working out in my opinion.
That is true, however he is deeply sorry and still horribly guilty over what he did to his wife.
The girlfriend in his ltr treated him abominably ( by her admission - I have the email in which she admitted as much) Not that that justifies the cheating of course.
There is quite a lot of stuff you would have to overlook and get past here, isn't there.
Do you think someone with his track record is a safe bet ?
What happens though, Jem when you annoy or displease him? what will his justification be next time? He didn't feel badly enough about doing it to his wife to not do it to his girlfriend. His default is to cheat.
I admire your great faith in someone who have proved themselves to be such an appalling low life, I really wish you could pass some of that on to me But really, there's a touch of the "la, la, la, I can't hear you"s about this.
Surely you and your son deserve better than the sort of man who cheats on his wife and girlfriends with prostitutes (I realise how that must sound, but as I said in my first post, I'm talking to you as a woman who is considering a relationship with a man she knows regards women in this way, who will lie and cheat and nothing else). For most women, this would be a red flag if not a deal breaker. Why do you not think you are worth more?
It seems not from the opinions of the ladies on here. As I said in an earlier post, I thought it might be different between us as I have given him permission to go play if he wishes.
A big part of the problem here is that I almost always see the best in people.
At least now though I feel i'm going into this with my eyes wide open.
Folkgirl I really don't think it's a case of I don't think I deserve more. I wasn't looking for anything in the first place. He just came along and I liked him, enjoyed his company and attention.
If it all goes tits up, I might chose someone of better moral standing or another dodgy guy. Who knows?
It's what appeals to me at the time.
You made a good point about what might happen if I upset him though, as so many of my clients justify a visit to me with something their partner has done to displease them.
The thing is, Jem, you clearly feel that you can trust him. I assume you feel you can because you wouldn't even be considering him otherwise.
Maybe you're different enough from his exes for him to be loyal to, and honest with, you. And maybe you're right. He's not someone I'd consider for a second, but then different strokes and all that.
Just take care of yourself and your emotions, that's all.
Do you really, honestly, think that someone treating you badly is an excuse to have sex with a prostitute when you are with them?
My ex treated my abysmally with his cheating. I went a long time without sex as a result. I could have had sex. For free. I work abroad - I've had plenty of bored business men in same hotel "looks". Did I do it? No. Because I am fundamentally a good and honest, decent person. He is not.
Thank you Folkgirl I do feel I want to give him the benefit of the doubt til he gives me reason not to.
Also I know that I'm able to detach myself easily enough if the worst does happen.
Cabrinha I actually don't think there is any excuse for having sex outside of an exclusive relationship. So you are right, my point about his gf isn't relevant.
He likes to cheat. His past record of doing on two separate women (that you know of) tells you that. He feels "guilty" enough about doing it to one of them, he does it again
Jem, I am sure you have come across men who have a compulsion (I refuse to use the word addiction) to cheating, whether with prostitutes, one night stands or some woman from work. I think this bloke is signalling loud and clear that he is just such a man.
You giving him "permission" to play away (as long as he tells you) is probably spoiling his fun somewhat.
He's just texted to say he's gonna nip in on his way home for a cuppa. But I'm in a mood with him now, purely because of posting on here lmao He's gonna arrive wondering what's wrong with my face. Oh dear
He's a Big Boy, he'll get over it.
I don't think it will do him any harm at all for him to twig you are not falling for his pretty words, just because he says so. Actions, m'dear, maketh the man.
Don't show him this thread, if you had a mind to.
Hi everyone <<<waves>>>
For anyone who is interested and would like an update . . .
Wind forward 2 months - OMG this guy is moody! The slightest little glitch in his life ( an email he didn't want from his ex, the hedge cutter broke while he was using it, the most minor of bumps in his car) and he stops contact with me for days. If I text him I get the briefest of replies.
Once he's over it he's full of apologies and says he will try and be different next time something happens, he will deal with it better blah blah.
It wasn't a huge deal for me, I just left him to it. Sometimes it was actually a nice break from his many texts and calls throughout the day.
Then a month ago he went completely nc for no apparent reason. We were texting normally one evening , he rang to say goodnight. In the morning I texted good morning and he didn't reply. I left him to it for 5 days and then texted a very light hearted text.
He replied with a lovely long email, saying that he had behaved dreadfully, he was a total mess, wasn't ready for a relationship, too much crap from the past still in his head, he needed to concentrate on work and his own needs etc.
He went on to say that I had been more patient with him, and given him way more chances than he deserved. He said he already regretted ruining one of the best friendships he had ever had (we were great friends with all the same interests and a lot of laughter)
I replied with a brief but warm message wishing him all the best.
I was disappointed and a little upset, but thanks to all the advice from you wonderful wise MN ladies, I wasn't heartbroken as I had always had your advice in the back of my mind.
I deleted his number and forced myself to limit the time I thought about him.
Then a week ago, a text out of the blue 'how's your day going?' Then more texts in the following days, ' fancy a coffee?', 'im taking dogs to park, will be there in 20 if you fancy it?'
Each time I replied with a friendly 'no thank you' or 'another time perhaps, im working at mo'
Yesterday he turned up at my door just as I was leaving to walk my dogs ( he knows its the same time every day, so not a coincidence) and asked if he could walk with us.
We had a lovely walk for over an hour and it wasn't strained or awkward at all.
He told me he had really missed me, asked about what was going on with me and my children and it was like old times.
He came back to mine, had a coffee and gave me a hug and said that he was really sorry for how he had behaved. I told him it was all water under the bridge now and that I would be happy to walk the dogs with him occasionally and keep in touch, but that was all. He said he was saddened to hear that, but knew it was more than he deserved after how he had treated me.
As he was leaving he mentioned that he now had whatsapp on his phone and to message him anytime. I remarked that I had been asking him to start using it for months. His reply . . . . . .
" oh well, I joined POF and it seemed everyone on there used it"
So, yes it seemed you ladies were right - leopard, spots etc. What a complete knob!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.