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Don't know how to tell DH that I'm pregnant

(27 Posts)
WoIsMe Tue 26-Aug-14 18:12:19

After missing my period last week I did a couple of pregnancy tests which both came up positive so it looks like I'm 5 weeks pregnant with DC4. I'm simultaneously delighted because I did want another, but scared at the same time because I have MC'd before so I don't want to get my hopes up at least until I've had my 12-week scan.

It's a bit daunting having a fourth child but financially I think we can manage. We have enough space in the house although two are going to have to share, probably DC3 and DC4 as they will be closest in age. I have a seven-seater car and we have kept most of the baby stuff so I will only need to buy a few bits and pieces drat I wish I hadn't given the Jumperoo away.

So on the surface it seems like everything should be okay, certainly be better than the less than ideal circumstances which my other kids came into, for example when DC1 was born we were living below the poverty line. But I'm terrified of telling my DH as I don't think he is going to be pleased. He has a difficult job where he has to work late, evenings, weekends and travel a lot - at least once a month. Our other children all have special needs or medical conditions, nothing really serious but all requiring a bit more care than a typical child might. I had PND after my first and third pregnancies so that is always a worry. And it will be a c-section due to previous pregnancy complications so for at least the first few weeks after the baby's born, DH will have to take up a lot of the slack, he'll probably have to take some unpaid leave from work as well although I'm sure his and my family will be able to help out a bit.

I don't know, I've always told him I was pregnant straight away before but this time I can't seem to bring it up because I really think he isn't going to want another one and he isn't going to be pleased. We saw friends who have four kids yesterday and I tentatively raised the subject of "do you think we'll ever have another one" and he said no he didn't want any more.

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to get everything in. Maybe I'm misjudging him and he'll come round to the idea but my gut instinct is that he isn't going to be happy. Obviously he's going to find out sooner or later so it's going to have to come from me rather than him noticing a bump in a few weeks time.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 26-Aug-14 18:19:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyFlowerChain Tue 26-Aug-14 18:24:41

It can't come as that much as a surprise to him as sounds like you are not using contraception. Just tell him, he needs to know.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 26-Aug-14 18:28:45

Four is a fantastic number.

If both of you were intent on not bringing another child into the world it would have been possible to ensure it couldn't happen.

Tell him immediately then he'll have longer to get used to the idea.

BookABooSue Tue 26-Aug-14 18:33:37

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I can't tell if you're worried or frightened of how your DH is going to react. He needs to know but if you're very concerned about his reaction, could you leave him a little note, or put the pregnancy test in an envelope or a little gift box? So he can open it and process it before he speaks to you about it? I realise that might be entirely inappropriate depending on the dynamics of your relationship and your personalities so feel free to completely ignore that suggestion if it seems wildly inappropriate!

Squitten Tue 26-Aug-14 18:34:37

Well with 3 kids already, it is safe to assume he understands how they are made. If he doesn't want any more then he hasn't been very smart about it unless there is some contraception failure you haven't mentioned. And even then, he knows the risks.

You should tell him

Castlemilk Tue 26-Aug-14 18:50:55

The really obvious question is contraception.

If this is a contraceptive failure, then he is being far less U if he is not happy about it. But if you haven't been using it, or have been pretty sloppy, then it would be astonishingly unfair of him to show you that he is unhappy.

I think after your question yesterday you have to come out and tell him very soon!

WoIsMe Tue 26-Aug-14 19:07:33

To be honest we've always been a little haphazard about contraception, that's how DC1 arrived as well. blush I don't get on with hormonal contraception and I don't agree with the coil so we've always used condoms but in this instance, sorry if it's tmi, we had been apart for a couple of weeks and we were both gagging for it blushblushblush and contraception went by the wayside.

I'm nearly 40 and DC3 (planned) took literally years to conceive so I'm surprised to have fallen pregnant as a result of one night. The timing must have been just right.

Castlemilk Tue 26-Aug-14 19:13:27

Then if he so much as pulls a face, he is absolutely bang out of order.

If he really didn't want another child, he should not have taken that risk.

allisgood1 Tue 26-Aug-14 19:21:28

I was you about 9 months ago...

In the end I waited a few days and then bit the bullet. But I did a lot of hinting ("I just cannot wake up...what is wrong with me?!"). So he wasn't shocked when I broke the news. He was actually fine. We both acknowledge it wasn't brilliant timing but everything is working out and DH will get his first son smile

Fairenuff Tue 26-Aug-14 19:29:43

If he didn't use contraception then another pregnancy won't be a surprise. After all, that is how you make a baby.

I would say, "Hey, dh, you know that one time we didn't use a condom? Well guess what, your sperm got through to my egg and I'm pregnant".

crazylady321 Tue 26-Aug-14 23:09:59

Just get it over with and tell him, in my experience they never react as bad as id imagined

temporaryusername Tue 26-Aug-14 23:49:41

Congrats OP, I hope everything goes well thanks

I agree that whatever his reaction, he has to take responsibility for this and accept that this is the situation, and the baby, he created. Contraception going by the wayside is a choice.

WoIsMe Wed 27-Aug-14 07:16:26

I like your idea Fairenuff!

I asked DH this morning why he sometimes didn't want to use a condom and he said because I seem to enjoy myself more when we don't use one! blush Sorry if tmi again. So then I said that maybe I should get my tubes tied so we didn't need contraception (I am actually considering this although as things stand it will have to be done next year) and he said he didn't like that idea as it was irreversible. So he's leading me around in circles with saying he doesn't want another child but then not being consistent with contraception and saying he doesn't want to rule out the possibility of having more children in the future.

kaykayblue Wed 27-Aug-14 08:14:50

If you guys had unprotected sex and you didn't take the morning after pill the next morning, then this will hardly be a mind blowing shock to him!

If he was that set on no more children then both of you would be discussing more permanent forms of contraception (which you mention you already raised)

CharlieSierra Wed 27-Aug-14 08:34:08

I was going to say the same as kaykayblue. It might just be how you've phrased things but I feel uneasy with the fact that you're concerned about telling him you're pregnant when he willingly had unprotected sex, also what you said about why he sometimes doesn't use a condom - surely that would be a joint decision? And you've mentioned permanent contraception but 'he doesn't like the idea'. All a bit concerning I feel.

Fairenuff Thu 28-Aug-14 12:15:33

Ok, you really need to have a proper conversation about contraception. It's got nothing to do with enjoying yourself more, it's about the decision whether or not to create another life.

Why can't you talk like adults?

dancestomyowntune Thu 28-Aug-14 12:29:12

i am 7weeks pregnant with bubba #5. I really wanted another baby, dh was resistant to my begging asking for us to ttc for a good 9 months.

then when i came off contraception he was reluctant to get excited but now he is the one that is over the moon! i have been a little upset by his families inability to say congratulations but he has put them in their place and told them it was a mutual decision and we are thrilled!

i was nervous telling him once i had the bfp but he has been amazing. i have already spent a night in hospital with blood pressure issues and he has taken time off to come to my early scans. he held my hand as i cried when we saw the heartbeat the other day! smile

you wont know until you tell him but i bet it wont be all misery. good luck and congratulations!

Lweji Thu 28-Aug-14 12:33:27

I'd start with telling him that he must have a vasectomy, but that he's safe for the next 9 months.

Stuntman Thu 28-Aug-14 14:28:24

I can't tell him yet, I'm going to try and wait until the 12-week scan.

Lweji Thu 28-Aug-14 15:21:19

Sorry, but looking at your past threads, I can see why you are worried about his reaction.

However, why not tell him now? What do you think he will do? Are you afraid he'll push for a termination?
If you wait for the 12 week scan his reaction may actually be worse than now, as he may well realise that you have been hiding this from him.

WoIsMe Thu 28-Aug-14 15:31:29

I'm worried he'd become depressed. He's having trouble coping as it is and this might push him over the edge.

Lweji Thu 28-Aug-14 15:34:05

Is he being treated?

Lweji Thu 28-Aug-14 15:34:24

And why are you worried he may be depressed?

WoIsMe Thu 28-Aug-14 16:16:21

More like self-medicating with alcohol. He has a stressful job where he's expected to work long hours and is often away abroad on business, usually just for a few days at a time but occasionally a week or longer. Then he comes home and has to deal with a stressful home situation. Two of our DCs have behavioural and learning disorders, our youngest has health problems. It all gets on top of him and he hasn't got any way to deal with it apart from burying his emotions and hoping they'll go away. He won't go to the GP, he won't seek counselling, he just plods on getting ground down by it all.

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