I'm a male but wanted a bit of female advice. I am going to be honest here so I hope no one thinks I'm an arsehole after posting. Sorry if it's long.
I got married young (21) was married for 15 years and for the first 10 is was great. My only negatives were that she was quite hard to communicate with and she didn't enjoy sex very much. I'm ashamed to say that although I loved her the lack of sex did make me feel rejected, lonely and unsatisfied and I had a couple of one night stands during the marriage (she never found out). 10 years into the marriage we had a son and after that the relationship fell apart.
She withdrew from me and started spending a lot of time working diferrent hours to me so we got no time together, then she started to form a close relationship with a friend of mine where they would stay up late talking and it looked bit suspicious.
The rare sex then dwindled to nothing (we had no sex at all the last few years) and all affection or closeness went out the window too. If I asked her what was wrong she always said "nothing" or that she was just tired. We tried counselling but after two sessions she said it was pointless. I tried everything I could think of to make her happy but nothing worked and she wouldn't tell me what it was that I needed to change to get her to love me again. People were telling me she was having an affair with my friend and I suspect it was true as he was always sniffing around her but I was scared to ask.
Life was miserable over a few years and I developed mild depression. I knew deep down the marriage was over but we had a son and I didn't want to leave him. Also I was very close with my wife's family and we lived in a very small community where it would be hard to be divorced. I felt like losing her meant losing my entire life and didn't want to accept it was over and have to start a whole new life alone.
Then I met a woman (call her Karen) unexpectedly and fell in love. After meeting her my depression went away in weeks and I felt happy again for the first time in years. She was beautiful, lovely, exciting, sexy, interesting, kind, funny and to be honest I could not see what she ever saw in me. She was not willing to be in a relationship with me if I was still married, so I plucked up the courage finally to talk to my wife about divorce and she seemed relived I brought it up and we agreed to divorce without her ever explaining why she stopped loving me.
We stayed living together for a few months but she frequently slept away from the house so during that time I was seeing Karen and falling for her deeper and deeper.
I moved out of the family home 4 months later to a town an hour away where I didn't know anyone. Karen was having problems with her job so I suggested she look for one near me and move in with me (2 hours from where she lived). She was concerned it was all too quick and that I needed time to be able and grieve the end of my marriage but I was insistent she move in right away, I told her my marriage had been dead for years. She agreed and we moved in.
I know it sounds like a recipe for disaster, which maybe it was but at the time I was completely infatuated and in love with her and being with her stopped me feeling sad or depressed..
Shortly after that the soon to be ex wife moved the friend I suspected she had been sleeping with into my old family home, confirming my suspicions and he took my place in my old family.
I know it sounds like a rebound but I really did love Karen equally to the love I had for my ex wife and even with hindsight I do know that. At first it was infatuation because she was so sexy and bright and interesting and gave me so much love and affection but over time it grew into a really deep love because she was a wonderful person that was compatible with me in every way. More so than my ex wife ever was.
She made me happy, I felt at home with her, she was easy to talk to, I could tell her anything (things I could never tell the ex) and communicated with her much more easily than I did with my ex, she actually talked to me, our sex life was incredible, I found her so attractive, she was loyal and sweet and devoted to me. She was great with my son and my friends and family all said we were far better suited and how great it was great to see me happy again.
Two years years after moving in together I loved her so deeply and knew her so well that I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, so I proposed. At that time there was no question I loved her with all my heart.
Six months later, I had a shock bereavement and my depression came back really severely to the point of being suicidal with it. I started feeling like my life was no good, hopeless, like nothing would ever be good again and I got a lot of anger and irritation and directed all of it at poor Karen. She was very understanding but I found once the depression came I didn't feel the same way about her any more and after making her life hell I went to stay at a friends house to get some space.
She was in bits but stood by me and supported me even though I was a real arsehole to her. I just couldn't cope with being in a relationship with her or anyone and thought I didn't love her any more.
With the depression a lot of unresolved emotions about my marriage surfaced and I got (and still feel) incredibly angry at my ex wife for taking away my whole life without giving me a chance to fix it. I hate dropping my son off to my old house where she now lives with my friend. I never confronted either of them and feel so angry but don't want to do anything to upset the amicable childcare arrangements we have. I also really miss my ex wife's family and being included as part of their life and feel like I lost everything due to this man taking it from me. At family occasions I hate my wife not being there with me as a family and she is cold and uncaring towards me and has been for years. Even when she knew I was ill.
I have been in treatment for the depression for a few months now and I feel a lot better and as my emotions and perspective start to return to normal I realise I do still love Karen but that I also do still love my ex wife and my feelings are all over the place.
I feel like I have not let go of my ex wife properly and have a lot of emotions to work through, but I am confused over whether or not this is because I still love her or if it's just the fact that I had a shared history / family / life with her and things were never resolved.
I know I need to work through all this, but at the same time Karen is the most wonderful woman, and I am scared if I lose her I will regret it forever. I suspect on a cognitive level that I do still love her. I know I definitely loved her like crazy until I got depressed but at the same time I have put her through so much and don't want to hurt her.
Can anyone tell me what I should do?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Help me decide whether I should stay or go?
allaboutsteven · 25/08/2014 20:23
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