Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Fallen for a younger guy..not a happy ending so far..(51 Posts)
Hi there. Well, here goes. I am a young looking 37 year old attractive woman (sounds really pretentious but hear me out). I have 2 young kids and have been single for well over a year. Am independent, sociable, into music etc. Developed a crush on a now 30 year old guy at work. He is quite geeky and fairly analytical but also v creative and dry sense of humour, we have a lot in common, music, photography, art ,views. I am more outgoing than him but he is a lovely calm, I think handsome and very intelligent guy. We have been 'hanging gout' for a while and early on he talked about not knowing if someone fancies him an also that he was 'fussy' this was in response to him talking about NOT liking someone at work who some colleagues were teasing him about at work drinks (we talked about this at a later point).
So we emailed and texted - me initiating it at first), but his history is from a small place, moved away aged 25, a bit of a loner, spends most of his time alone as he is busy doing various creative/ money making things but has become more sociable as a result of work. Seems to have lots of acquaintances and some friends particularly from his home town but no one male friend here (he sells stuff so meets plenty of people). We had two evenings up until 3am drinking wine/ music etc. I was sure that maybe something was there.
It came to a head on one of those evenings (the day before he had asked if I wanted to spend the day with him but I couldn't ) where I lay down at 3.30am on his sofa bed, he then came over and lay next to me on his front, I inched myself back into him, he awkwardly said 'Shall we have a cuddle then as we are virtually doing that' he put his arms round me his face on mine and we spooned for a couple/ 3 hours but in the morning he said 'I think we need to have a chat' and said 'I don't think this is going anywhere is it?' He then made a comment suggesting that my ex was more intellectually challenging for me, which i said I'd not said, but I then kind of gave him a get out clause of "im 38 with 2 kids' and he said 'yes thank you and I said I was fussy' it opened it up to talking about his past - 2 Gf's very young (19) saying that one ended badly and he 'didn't handle it well) then he liked someone in his 20's but nothing happened and he never told her - think that still smarts a bit for him! I suggested he should have told her. We talked generally about our relationships etc etc and he was just so lovely - he felt bad and said it felt like dumping someone without having a relationship.
Basically I get the impression he hasn't had any/ a serious relationship in his 20's at all. Anyway he was lovely and he was very clear we could still hang out.
Then we actually started to hang out more and more and have become closer with the communication being more mutual. I go over, we cook food, we go for walks, to gigs (he doesn't like going to things on his own despite seeming quite independent) I spent his birthday weekend with him alone, (stayed over in his spare room as I had a headache and threw up), we went out for a meal etc etc. Anyway he is also a very friendly guy so I should believe that he wants nothing more and he certainly hasn't moved things forward.
He replies immediately if I text him and he does contacts me, but doesn't often instigate the meet ups. However he talks about days out and says I should meet his mum and we would get on, he is emotionally quite immature/ shy and he kind of knows it but he has become a lot more emotionally open with me.
I know I'm more emotionally more mature than him, but I also respect and admire him, he is quite old for his age in many ways, we have a lot in common, he seems really comfortable with me, but he's not a huggy guy so there is no way I would infringe on his personal space and he also said he had no idea I liked him that night it came out 'until you were an inch away from me'. I'm not forward at all in that way so whilst I think I'm being obvious, it's not always clear.
I've never experienced telling I guy I like them, them rejecting my advances and them hanging out with me and spending more time with me after.
A couple of people at work said 'no not him!' when I have confessed that I have a crush on him, as their judgement is that he's awkward and possibly insecure.
I guess the crush thing is cooler, but it's still there and I guess maybe I'm thinking I'll wear him down over time. Whilst I think he is afraid and hasn't much relationship experience an is a little awkward physically, he's also very confident in other ways. Basically he has been single for 10 years from what he has let on and is 'fussy' so of course a 38 year old with two kids would clearly be the last thing he wants, however I can't let go of the feelings I have so easily.
Got myself into a right state. Have tried not to contact him this weekend. Should I just back off? Anyone bagged an awkward geeky guy like this? Maybe I just need some sympathy!
Get yourself a copy of 'He's Just Not That Into You' now. Stop wasting your time and move on to someone who is far more compatible.
Quit chasing this guy.
You are not even in a relationship with him and it's already a lot of work. Don't you think you deserve more?
He sounds very sweet. The 'this isn't going anywhere' conversation seemed a bit pessimistic and insecure the day after you'd .. well, done nothing Sounds like you probably put your finger on it when you said he's immature (I don't mean that in a bad way) and shy. I don't think the age gap between the two of you is big at all, but the fact that you have kids probably makes you seem a lot more worldly and experienced in his eyes. Sounds like he's pretty analytical and reflective, so he may be thinking that if he got involved with you he'd be taking on your kids too. Nothing wrong with that level of thoughtfulness. From what you've said, and if you really want a suggestion here, I would say that you could give it a few months and see how things stand then? Could just be a slow burner. If absolutely nothing has moved on in 2 or 3 months then you're probably better off focusing on something other than him. But it doesn't sound like you need to tear yourself up about this guy just yet.
I wrote my post without seeing expat's posts. Well, there's two different views for you
I don't mean to be hash but it might not be the awkward, geeky thing that's the problem, maybe you're just not right for each other.
It sounds like you have a lovely friendship though which I genuinely think is really good! The only problem might be if he gets a girlfriend, it might be quite difficult for you.
I would maybe try and back off while your feelings are still quite strong...
I hope I'm wrong though, maybe if you back off he'll realise he's madly in love with you (I really do hope this happens!)
Much as you get on well together it seems to me that emotionally you're miles apart from this man and no amount of time and effort will result in a mutually satisfying relationship.
Sorry! (I can see the attraction of this sort of man, BTW.)
Is there any chance of you reposting with paragraphs in the first block of your post? I'm not being funny...I really want to read this because I am in an age-gap relationship, but I really can't get beyond that first block of sentences!
I'd throw in the towel if I were you. This really isn't going anywhere is it?
He likes you as a friend and maybe more, but the chemistry is a bit one sided.
He sounds very immature and quite socially inept; perhaps that is why you are drawn to him.
He's "safe"; there is no competition, you have hedged your bets by pursuing someone who is not a threat IYKWIM.
Back off before you get hurt ;and end up despising this person you have to work with.
He's an odd bod, leave him to his own devices.
thanks monsterowl - I like the idea of giving it another 2-3 months - we have a gig lined up - his suggestion next week. He also got me a guitar last week - he is v kind
From what you've posted it seems he isn't at all interested in having a relationship with you and that you're thinking of all sorts of other explanations for this.
Wearing someone down isn't an ideal start to a relationship!
Suggest that you stop seeing him at all, especially since you work together and your work environment sounds unprofessional/gossipy. He's not likely to become a boyfriend and you fancy him so proper friendship unlikely too.
Why namechange in the middle of your own thread?
Op have you changed your name mid thread?
Anyway he is not giving you any signals, so I would give it up as anything other than a friendship which benefits him just a little bit more than you.
Or just ask him.
sorry - yes i did change name - never posted here and was in the middle of sorting out my name
Are you secretly thinking that he's completely into you but repressed by geekiness?
I'm not so sure. Look, you'll just have to talk to him again to clear things up. I had one of these relationships and it didn't end well - I was more into him than he was into me.
Sorry to be so blunt ,but I think he wants you as a friend as it's clear he doesn't have many proper friends.
He'll wear you down and if you are looking for love you need to look for someone who shares and meets your needs.
You will never win him over. You will end up resentful for the all the time and energy you have invested in him.
If it's a project you're after, he's your man OP. If you are seeking an easy short term fun or a LTR, seek it elsewhere.
Yes agree with previous poster, he's a project. Have had a few in my time. Cut and run.
He's told you he doesn't see a relationship, and going on about him being fussy would be his cack-handed way of saying no hard feelings about it I guess?
Sorry to be blunt, but it seems like you've concocted some sort of fairy tale in your head, but it seems a million miles from what he's actually telling you which is that he isn't into you. He may see you as a brilliant friend, but thats all.
He may well be gay, or asexual (some people are really not into having any kind of sexual relationship. That is their right and their business: they do not need 'fixing'). He may only be sexually attracted to young, pretty women of the kind that aren't likely to be interested in him. Again, that's his business.
He is not sexually interested in you. He may well like and appreciate you as a friend, so these are your options.
a) Enjoy the friendship, look elsewhere for dates and sex if you want them, and prepared for the friendship to scale down in the case of you - or him - finding someone to date and have sex with.
b) Back off, gently and politely and reasonably, from the friendship while seeking dates/sex elsewhere.
C) Carry on convincing yourself that he is actually in love with you but won't admit it. Mutate into creepy bunny-boiling stalker. Wonder why he stops returning your calls and texts.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.