Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm in great pain. Will it get better

(44 Posts)
Anotherabusedwife Fri 22-Aug-14 20:39:39

New to the Forum so please bear with me and I hope this original post doesn't ramble on too long. So... married four months but together coming up two years this Autumn. He's emotionally abusive and it started 10 days after he moved in. I guess I let it go because surely I am STUPID.

Regular verbal abuse but still I married him. I issued an ultimatum before we got married that he needed to get help but he didn't. And yet I married him. I have issued another one just four weeks ago and now he is having counselling - but I fear it's the "wrong sort", if you see what I mean as the abuse last night/this morning.

I committed the unforgivable (apparently) sin of drawing attention to him insulting me that morning, which led to him:

Calling me a f**** c* (3 or 4 times)

Telling me he hates me

Telling me I'm a f**** bitch etc etc

Blaming me for everything

Telling me I have REAL issues

Launching a cushion into my face with full force twice (sounds ridiculous but it was very humiliating)

Taking off his wedding ring and smashing it so that it is now warped and totally unwearable. It's ruined...the ring I gave him on our wedding day.

Telling me I sounded like a "nutter" when I couldn't stop sobbing.

Telling me our marriage was over again and again and again. Or rather, shouting it.

Goading me to call the Police

So...the next day (today) I did. I reported a domestic violence incident on the 101 number but unknown to me, it led to three police officers turning up at our door because he is/was still there - in the marital home, that is.

On their supervision/advice (I think) he has packed a bag and left. He didn't say goodbye. They almost marched him out of our flat and kept us apart. He said that there would be "no reconciliation". I don't know where he is.

I'm so very sad.

How do you lovely ladies deal with hideous situations like this? I sure as hell don't deserve this and I didn't cause it. His mangled wedding ring is lying on the table in front of me. Sorry this is so long.

Stealthpolarbear Fri 22-Aug-14 20:41:51

Well done. It may not feel that way but youve done the best thing. Give it a few months and you'll be living your life as you want to live it

Meerka Fri 22-Aug-14 20:43:37

oh abused ... I'm sorry, wiser posters will be along soon. But thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Have you got anyone who can come over and stay tonight?

You didn't deserve this. No one does. You deserve so much better.

Iwasinamandbunit Fri 22-Aug-14 20:44:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puntasticusername Fri 22-Aug-14 20:45:36

Oh, love. I'm so sorry for what's happened to you thanks

I was worried when you said you think you must be stupid, because I'm sure you're not. You were unlucky enough to marry a nasty bastard, and that's it. The fact that he's a nasty bastard is really not your fault.

Cling to the thoughts in your final para - you didn't cause this, and you don't deserve it.

Anotherabusedwife Fri 22-Aug-14 20:48:47

Well, I'm super smart <modest> but made a stupid choice to marry him when I knew what he was like. Of course, he wasn't horrible all the time, in fact he was often kind, loving, considerate and affectionate.

This jars so badly with the abusive man that it's/it was like living with two men. Bizarre and horrible. The Lundy Bancroft book is great and of course - this Forum, for helping me to see what is or was going on.

myroomisatip Fri 22-Aug-14 21:28:54

You absolutely did the right thing in calling the police.

Now you need advice as to whether you can keep him out of your home. Do you own a house, is he a joint tenant?

AnyFucker Fri 22-Aug-14 21:31:26

Telling me our marriage was over again and again and again.

On this one and only point, he is right

Imbroglio Fri 22-Aug-14 21:34:30

Yes it will get better. Maybe not in a linear, straightforward way, but it will get better.

CaptainCorellisVentolin Fri 22-Aug-14 21:38:36

You did the right thing OP and although you won't feel or see it right now, as a PP said, in a few months your life will be so different!

I still married my EA ex, despite everything in me screaming "say no!!" at the crucial moment. As you, luckily, realise that does not make me stupid. It made it one of the less fortunate decisions I have made.

I was stuck for 10 years and barely recognised myself by the end of it.

Stay strong, trust your instincts! Wishing you the best of luck and happiness.

strong123 Fri 22-Aug-14 21:56:11

Just wanted to say - yes it will get better. I've been separated four months from a man who had several affairs and who nearly drove me to a breakdown. I now feel stronger day by day - my advice is to keep busy - it really does help.

You deserve so much better - you just need to remember that

Ciaran24 Fri 22-Aug-14 22:14:38

You are not stupid, people wear you down without you realizing and then before you know it you don't have the confidence to be without them. The best decision you made was calling the police, at the moment you will feel broken but trust me he will come crawling back and I hope you are strong enough when he does to tell him to get lost.
Keep going, we are all behind you x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Aug-14 22:15:38

I think the way you cope is to begin by telling yourself that you've taken control and done the right thing. You're embarking on a grief process now and that's going to involve good and bad days. Make the most of the good days and, on the bad days when you don't feel so strong, surround yourself with friends, stay busy and remind yourself that you took control and did the right thing.

Best of luck

thestamp Sat 23-Aug-14 03:20:47

God you are so brave and I am so sorry this complete fuckwit has done all these things to you. You sound lovely. He sounds appalling.

I know it's really painful now, but it will pass.

Abusive situations are druglike. You constantly chase the high that comes with the honeymoon periods - there is an endorphin release when they're being nice. You get addicted to it, just like heroin or cocaine, so you put up with the awful lows, constantly chasing the highs by "behaving", courting their favour, etc.

But then one day, just like a smack addict, you realise that your drug is ruining your life and the lows just aren't worth it. and you break free.

and then you have to go through withdrawal. It's extremely painful and it is a real withdrawal - your brain is screaming for the high, your body craves it, but you're staying away for your own good. really really fucking hard. human brains love the devils they know.

this is a very hard time.. your job right now is just to cling fast to the mast and remember the storm will pass.

really you've been so brave. Just hang on and lean on the women here. They won't steer you wrong.

maybesadie Sat 23-Aug-14 03:46:17

Is that true thestamp? It really, really clicks with me.

I don't want to pull away from your thread, Another, but I'm going through similar, only left my EA ex a week ago. I'd like to know if it gets better too. sad It's massively hard.

I've found the support thread for emotionally abusive relationships helpful. Your (stbx?)h sounds so like my ex. (Don't they all?)

thestamp Sat 23-Aug-14 05:16:45

you know that rush of relief you would get when things finally would blow over and you'd make up again, he's say sorry and make all those perfect promises? That's the endorphin rush and it is highly addictive.

Same as people who can't stop getting tattoos or going skydiving -- they want to feel that endorphin rush over and over again.

it's more acute, though, in abusive relationships, because we are such social animals and have a natural drive to seek intimacy and closeness. that + the endorphins, it's a heady and dangerous mix. it's why so many women spend decades stuck with men like this!

Anotherabusedwife Sat 23-Aug-14 06:11:57

Hello, maybesadie I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles, too.

The thing is, we never really had the "highs": he could barely apologise, showed very little regret or remorse so we spent the day after an abusive incident in silence, with the general accusation directed towards me that he "hated all this" because I couldn't just forget things.

The last time he showed remorse after an outburst, if I want to call it that, was five months ago and that was because he had an audience (my sister and a mutual friend); I'm not even sure it was genuine.

What do you do with someone who's so deeply in denial about their behaviour? How on earth do you move forwards - I don't think you can.

Well, I'm up early - what a surprise. Slept surprisingly well but I think I'm still in shock and that the true situation (I called the Police because of my husband's behaviour) hasn't sunk in yet. If someone had told me that two years ago I wouldn't have believed it: "on August 21st 2014 you will be logging an incident of domestic abuse with the Police". Yeah right. But I did.

Today, I'm going to try to work. I write for a living (don't want to give too much away) and will try to concentrate.

Charley50 Sat 23-Aug-14 06:12:47

Thestamp- that is so true.

MrsIgglePiggle Sat 23-Aug-14 07:11:55

"How do you lovely ladies deal with hideous situations like this? I sure as hell don't deserve this and I didn't cause it. His mangled wedding ring is lying on the table in front of me. Sorry this is so long."

Don't make the same mistake I did and take him back.

You deal with hideous situations like this by making sure they never happen again.

If you take him back it will happen again...and next time it will be MORE hideous.

He's an abusive, woman hating, spineless little shit.


CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Aug-14 07:18:38

"What do you do with someone who's so deeply in denial about their behaviour?"

You can do nothing whatsoever to change someone else's behaviour, especially if they believe they are right and it's everyone else with a problem. It is a complete waste of your time and utterly pointless. If taken to the wire and adequately motivated (such as looking good in front of others), a bully will often apologise or promise to change. But it's a pie-crust promise... easily made and easily broken.

You can only make decisions for yourself, have the courage of your convictions and refuse to tolerate ill-treatment... which you've sensibly done. Hope today is a better day.

Only1scoop Sat 23-Aug-14 07:24:39

This happened to me....

He threw a book at my head. Used to say all those awful things to me literally word for word what you have written.

I called the police and we spent 3 months apart.

We got back together. He broke my jaw.

I'm still shocked this ever happened to me and it was almost 15 years ago.

Please never let this man back in your life....the cracks appear's hard for them to keep up their 'nice act' to win you over....Get you back etc. More resentment then grows in them for 'having to try'

Be kind to yourself ....thanks

BeCool Sat 23-Aug-14 08:06:38

You deal with it by letting him take responsibility for his actions, his life and his mess. Himself.

You married an utter cunt who pretty much hated you. Sounds like he might hate women in general. Many fantastic people have done this.

You deal with it by taking responsibility for your part in this by allowing you to focus on yourself (not on him). Figure out why you ignored all the red flags etc so you don't repeat the mistakes next time.

Detachment is a powerful state to me in. You can deal with this by working towards detachment. When you find yourself wasting time trying to figure out why he did this, stop yourself and think of what you can do for yourself instead.

thanks for you. Don't waste anymore of your precious life on this nasty man.

BeCool Sat 23-Aug-14 08:10:56

The wedding ring means different things to you both.

To him it is a weapon in his arsenal against you. hmm

Anotherabusedwife Sat 23-Aug-14 08:14:10

Only1scoop I'm so sad to read of your experience.

Thanks for the lovely replies and the good advice, ladies. He IS having counselling as he knows he has a problem but even though it's only four weeks or so, Thursday night proved that, in my opinion, it's the wrong sort.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Aug-14 08:18:06

Agreeing to counselling and even sitting in the sessions means nothing if the person themselves is doing it for cynical reasons or is failing to engage. Like an alcoholic entering rehab but putting a few bottles away for when they get back... Saying he has a problem doesn't mean he believes it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now