Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Co-sleeping with children after separation -

(16 Posts)
ChickOnaMission Fri 22-Aug-14 10:44:47

I've got 2 DC and have always had them come into my bed in the night/early morning for cuddles - my ex didn't like them starting off in the bed but was ok with the morning snuggles.

He used to joke I'd never cut the cord...

Now my 3 years old sleeps with me every night. I work full time so don't see much of him and our night time snuggles are my nice snuggly time with him. Sometimes DD 10 will join us too. Fortunately I've got a mahoosive bed.

I feel that when he's 17 he won't want his mummy snuggles (well that would just be weird!) so I'm making the most of it now, I enjoy it and I know he does too.

I'm curious to how common this is.... I'm going to keep doing it as long as it feel right for us, but wondering how many other single mums do this?

Thumbwitch Fri 22-Aug-14 10:51:18

I'm not a single mum, but I co-slept with DS1 until he was about 4.6, because by then I was pg with Ds2 and had horrible acid reflux and SPD so needed the whole bed to myself and my beanbag. DS1 then went in with DH instead, and stayed until he was 6 - but that was partly because it took us that long to build his bedroom! When DS2 was born I co-slept with him (and still do - he's now 22mo). After we'd finally built and decorated DS1's bedroom, he went in there no problem and sleeps fine by himself - he occasionally comes in to me in the mornings, but more usually will go into DH's bed because DH has a tv in his room, so DS1 can watch cartoons in bed with DH until DH gets up, and then stay there until I get him up for breakfast.

The useful part of his post, sorry for rambling on!, is probably that he went into his own room without any problem when he was 6, when he had his own room, and when he felt like a "big enough" boy to sleep by himself.

If it's any consolation, apparently it's quite normal to co-sleep with children until they're around 7. smile

iggymama Fri 22-Aug-14 10:53:54

I slept with my DS from birth, in a separate bed from my husband partly because he needed to sleep for work but also I worried that he was a very heavy sleeper.

We split up when DS was two and continued to co-sleep until DS was around 7 years old. I really miss my mama cuddles.

I once read on an online forum of a mum being quizzed by a social worker about co-sleeping, asking if she or the child were naked and implying it was dodgy.

ChickOnaMission Fri 22-Aug-14 10:55:57

Oh wow that sounds like a fantastic arrangement - Separate rooms and DH has a tv in there? My Ex always pushed for a tv in the bedroom and I always resisted.

I had both babies in the bed when they were newborn, despite the health visitors warnings, I just knew I was aware of them being in there, but ExH had to sleep elsewhere if he'd had a drink.

That is the thing that is in the back of my mind, about having a problem getting him into his own room later. He does have his own room, but it's just for toys really, there is a bed in there, a proper big bed which he has never slept on since I changed it for the baby bed!

ChickOnaMission Fri 22-Aug-14 10:57:23

LOL! Naked sleeping! All the time!

Now it's safe to do so because I don't need to worry about wandering hands in the night :-)

Romeyroo Fri 22-Aug-14 11:06:01

I think the issue is really with overnights; if this needs to be introduced. Does your ex already have overnight residency with the children? If so, then how you organise your nights with them is probably not an issue, as you do your thing, he does his.

With DD, she co-slept (her dad left when she was a baby and then re-appeared with a second family when she was nearly four; so contact had to be built up. He wanted overnight contact when she was five, she just refused, even though she was (mostly) in her own bed by then. She did not actually go for overnight contact till she was nine. Until she was 8 or 9, she still did come through in the night and snuggle in.

With DC2 (I have done this separating thing twice now), he co-slept as he was BF and exH2 vacated the marital bed when DC2 was born (so that he didn't get woken up in the night). I had more or less got DC2 sleeping through the night in his own bed when we tried to introduce overnight staying contact (not my choice at that point, but that is the pressure of family law and the rights of the father, and I have no objection in principle, it seems fair) and DC2 did not want to stay with xH. Now we are back to co-sleeping as DC2 was waking 3 - 4 times in the night again, and I'm back to square one (with no overnight staying contact yet), at trying to get him to sleep through the night in his own bed. I think if the pressure for overnight contact were not there, I would just let DC2 move at his own pace.

Thumbwitch Fri 22-Aug-14 11:13:01

Yeah, DH left me to it within the first few days of DS1 being born - not only was there not really enough room, he couldn't handle being woken up - he "needed his sleep as he had to work", you know? hmm So he moved out to the spare bed. When we moved to this country, we bought a new kingsize bed, with a view to us all being able to fit into it if necessary; but it's too soft for me! and too hot (it's a pillow-top mattress which is just too warm) so I stayed in my normal double bed with a normal mattress, and it works for us. smile

ChickOnaMission Fri 22-Aug-14 11:21:10

Ha, yeah I remember those excuses, because looking after a new baby is just SOOOO easy and "can you be quiet please because I've got to get up for work in the morning....." When we were splitting up but before we moved out we moved into separate bedrooms and it was a revelation. I love having my own bedroom.

Romeyroo they do already stay at his and it's not an issue so I'm just doing what works for me.

rb32 Fri 22-Aug-14 12:18:17

I always had them start off in their own beds but the youngest would always need cuddles to drop off again after a feeding (night time feeding seems so long ago, was only a year!) and still does. The older two would sometimes come in sometimes not. I used to love wakeing up with all four of us in bed together!

HumblePieMonster Fri 22-Aug-14 12:24:23

Its perfectly normal and right.

Romeyroo Fri 22-Aug-14 14:25:22

they do already stay at his and it's not an issue so I'm just doing what works for me.

I would not even worry about it then. Your DC will get to the point where they want their own space; right now they want snuggles with you. Just enjoy it!

BeCool Fri 22-Aug-14 16:25:12

Enjoy it while you can - it's lovely.

Cabrinha Fri 22-Aug-14 17:11:32

Just do what you all like!
My 5yo has always slept with me.
Before divorce I slept in her room, now she sleeps in mine.
She doesn't share with her dad.
It's all her choice.
We just came back from holidays where 2/7 nights she said she wanted her own bedroom. All led by her.

saltnpepa Fri 22-Aug-14 17:19:03

Does anyone think the baby in the bed led to the divorce or separation? Ours sleep in with us too but DH sometimes sleeps in spare room and it's becoming a regular thing that I'm in bed with the kids and he's in bed on his own. I think it's perfectly normal and lovely to have kids in the bed for as long as they want to but I do also wonder if it impacts on my intimacy with husband, not in terms of sex but just intimacy.

Thumbwitch Fri 22-Aug-14 17:23:31

I've slept in a different bed from DH since before DS1 was born - he'll be 7 in December, and we're not divorced. It does have an impact on intimacy but tbh, I didn't like sharing a bed with him that much in the first place - I like my own bed! I'm a very light sleeper, DH is restless and pulls all the covers around him; he also gets up much earlier than I do, and I go to bed much later than him. I think even without the children sharing, I'd be in a separate bed - I'm already trying to work out where I can put DS2 so I still have my own room/bed!

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 08:14:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now