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Is it me?

(42 Posts)
BlueGirl1982 Tue 19-Aug-14 23:56:48


I've been with my oh for almost 2 years, we've lived together for 12 months, and most of the time everything is good.

If I'm ever upset about something though, or want to discuss something he doesn't want to, it usually results in a big argument, me apologising to diffuse things, then him ignoring me until he's 'gotten over' it.

Tonight is an example of this...he asked if he can borrow £150 for his kickboxing. I have no real issue with this, other than I've already paid for our holiday plus spent a fortune a few weeks ago on going to his friend's wedding, and whilst I generally don't care, I don't see it as 'my money', I am starting to feel a bit taken for granted, as there wasn't even a thank you.

I tried to explain this to him, to which his response was 'you always think you're so much better than me, what do you do that makes you so wonderful?!' I (& this is where I may be wrong) pointed out that I do all of the cooking, make him lunch every day for work, laundry, shopping, cleaning, bring him a cup of tea in bed every morning, none of which I mind doing, in fact I like doing for him, even though I work longer hours further from home, bring him presents (the most recent being a watch he'd wanted on the morning of his friend's wedding), I mostly take the initiative in the bedroom because he prefers that, I think I'm reasonably good to him...but apparently none of this counts and he'd rather I didn't bother than use it against him. I explained I wasn't, and I didn't want to get into an argument, but inside I do feel like this is taking the pee a bit. We went to bed and I said it didn't matter, I don't want to fight, but he was just wound up and said I'm always whinging, he's sick of it, and I should just shut up and leave him alone. He's now asleep, and I'm awake and upset, wondering if I caused this or if he is unreasonable??

I have wondered before if he's emotionally abusive, he gets pissed off if I get upset about anything, I wind up apologising, which he usually throws in my face saying that 'sorry' is meaningless and if I was really sorry I wouldn't keep whinging, and I then have to wait for him to snap out of it.

I know I can go on about things sometimes, but on the whole I think he gets away with murder, and it's just always at the back of my mind that maybe I deserve better.

Sorry for the long rant, just needed to say it and not just be told to shut up! (Although please do say if you think it us me)

I love him, and when we're happy it's good. He can just be so hot and cold. It's made worse by the fact that before we got together properly he was lovely all of the time, never saw this side of him, but he blames me, says that I cause this.

Is this my fault?

gatewalker Wed 20-Aug-14 00:01:49

Taking your words as read, BlueGirl, no it absolutely is not.

VanitasVanitatum Wed 20-Aug-14 00:04:16

Not your fault and not at all acceptable. Do you earn more? Could it be him feeling somehow inadequate? Not that I think it's an excuse, just if he is otherwise a reasonable person..

wafflyversatile Wed 20-Aug-14 00:09:52

Even if it is partly your fault it's no way to live long-term. It will grind you down, make you miserable and destroy your self-esteem.

You seem to do a lot for him. What does he do for you?

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:10:58

I do earn more, but all of our money goes into one pot, we pay the bills then split what is left equally, because I didn't want it being 'my money' and 'his money', although I do have savings that only I have access to, which is what paid for holiday etc but if we talk about it I never call it mine, always ours

wafflyversatile Wed 20-Aug-14 00:12:33

that's fair enough. In healthy relationships some people do this when they move in, some wait until there are kids.

But if he is asking you for loans does that mean he's spending his share then yours? does he pay you back?

Dirtybadger Wed 20-Aug-14 00:12:51

He sounds like a cock. It sounds like a horrible position to be in (from your perspective). sad flowers

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:13:43

If I'm honest, I'm struggling to think of anything he does for me other than put me down. Sometimes he's loving and affectionate, other times he's dismissive and telling me to just shut up whinging. He never takes me anywhere or surprises me...before I sound like a real princess I mean like bringing me a bar of chocolate home or something...

gatewalker Wed 20-Aug-14 00:13:54

That's a pretty big decision to have made regarding finances and you've only been seeing each other for under two years, BlueGirl. I write this as someone who has been all-too-familiar with similar behaviours in myself in past relationships. Not there now, thank goodness.

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:15:04

No he hasn't paid me back, although I don't ask him to.

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:16:34

If I'm honest I think I know things aren't right, I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just wishing to be treated in a way that's never going to happen!

gatewalker Wed 20-Aug-14 00:16:34

So 'taking you somewhere or surprising you' makes you feel like you'll sound like a princess? He's done a number on you; or, perhaps more likely, someone in the past did a similar number on you.

wafflyversatile Wed 20-Aug-14 00:18:03

Just think, if you split up you could have all your money for yourself instead of sharing it with someone who spends his share, borrows more, slags you off afterwards, then doesn't pay you back!

gatewalker Wed 20-Aug-14 00:18:34

Question, BlueGirl: Was there a point way back in your past that you were in a situation where you wished you were treated differently, but weren't?

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:21:11

Self esteem isn't my strong point, when we first got together he used to spend all his time telling me how I should value myself more, I'm gorgeous, wonderful etc etc but now it feels as though he does the opposite...if I comment on the change he either says no one could keep that up forever, or that I didn't whinge then so he felt like he wanted to be nice to me :-/

YouAreMyRain Wed 20-Aug-14 00:21:17

I have been with my bf and living together the same amount of time as you two. If my bf treated me like that or spoke to me like that I would be horrified.

It is not you, it is your bf. He is emotionally abusive.

YouAreMyRain Wed 20-Aug-14 00:23:24

So if you express yourself in any way that he doesn't like, he puts you down even more and criticises you by labelling it as "whingeing" - nice. It's a win win situation for him then.

gatewalker Wed 20-Aug-14 00:23:49

How about investigating a way to reclaim that self-esteem that was somehow wrested from you along the way to here, BlueGirl? Work on yourself, not the relationship. When you do that, and when you learn that you have absolutely every right to value yourself, then you will find that your relationships reflect that.

But it has to start with you.

gatewalker Wed 20-Aug-14 00:24:28

And I'm not suggesting for a moment that you stay with your partner. Not for a moment.

tallwivglasses Wed 20-Aug-14 00:24:59

Hang about...he asks you for £150 (after you've paid out for a holiday +wedding+watch and the accuses you of whinging???

Cocklodger.Fucking audacious cocklodger at that. And there he is sleeping peacefully next to you. Sorry OP, I'm fuming here on your behalf.

I hope you get angry soon.

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:25:38

Thank you

As much as I stupidly wanted you to say yes it's you, you sound like a cow, I'm not an idiot, I know this isn't right

BlueGirl1982 Wed 20-Aug-14 00:29:39

P.s. Two holidays actually! I really wanted to go to New York but he refused, as 'I'd expect him to propose and be disappointed' (because I may have said if it was my choice where I got engaged, I'd pick NY...I know it's not my choice and he's made his feelings clear anyway!) so we're going to Florida instead

tallwivglasses Wed 20-Aug-14 00:31:07

Definitely not an idiot - you come across as a pretty sound young woman, good career, etc. You have a clear idea of what you want from a relationship - good. But not with this man.

gatewalker talks sense.

wafflyversatile Wed 20-Aug-14 00:31:25

Well he does have a point on the self-esteem. It's not really feasible to keep that up and other people can't give you self-esteem by saying you're gorgeous babes every day, anyway.

YY on working on your own self-esteem. That might mean some counselling or taking up a hobby, something you were good at but gave up at some point? Exercise? And telling yourself you're fabulous. Praising yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and compliment yourself!

tallwivglasses Wed 20-Aug-14 00:33:11

Don't marry him. If he proposes in Florida say you'd rather marry Mickey Mouse.

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