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Toxic family: cutting the ties, buy they still keep on.

(13 Posts)
Molotov Tue 19-Aug-14 16:32:20

I've posted here on and off for the last couple of years about troubles with my extended family, so I won't go into loads of details here again. Just what is relevant.

Basically, my extended family are narcissists and it has become clear that they were/are toxic.

There was an argument earlier this year where unforgivable things were said by 3 members of my extended family about me, and 2 members of my immediate family.

We have all fallen out and there has been no further contact. Whilst it has been upsetting, I'm glad I made the decision to cut them out and have no regrets.

There was a significant occasion in their family earlier this month which we chose not to acknowledge. I might add that birthdays, anniversaries, etc, have occured in our family without acknowledgement from them.

Anyway, a letter came this morning from one extended family member calling me "a disgrace", "selfish", and that I should be "ashamed" for not acknowledging this occasion.

I'm annoyed. How dare she send this. But I suspect it is a poke, intended to stir trouble by a responsr. I'm doing the right thing by not replying, right?

elQuintoConyo Tue 19-Aug-14 16:35:44

Yep. Bin it. Act like you never received it.

Sucks, doesn't? Stay strong thanks

AdoraBell Tue 19-Aug-14 16:38:59

Agree with Quinto bin, or burn it.

What letter? From whom? confused wink

whiteblossom Tue 19-Aug-14 16:42:21

Bin it without a doubt. Silence eats them right up, they are burning for you to respond, it means they got to you. DONT DO IT or they win.

Molotov Tue 19-Aug-14 16:53:38

Thanks guys, that's what I thought.

It's just that there are so many discrepancies: I want to say what did you expect?! But yes, I know this will add fuel.

Anything I say or write would be distorted, so I would be wasting time, energy and emotions. I have zero will to repair relations. Far too much damage has been done.

FWIW, the beef is with aunts and cousins. The letter was from an aunt.

sonjadog Tue 19-Aug-14 16:59:06

Ignore and bin. Don't write back. Anything you write will be distorted and it's just a ploy to drag you into contact with themagain.

TheJiminyConjecture Tue 19-Aug-14 16:59:36

Bin. Ignoring it is the only way to avoid any extra drama plus it will piss them off

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 19-Aug-14 17:00:28

I'd be tempted to send the letter back to her with the words "Fuck off and stay fucked off" scrawled over it in red pen.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 19-Aug-14 17:09:45

Ignore the winged monkey of an aunt who perhaps also had her ear bent by your family of origin to send such a poisonous diatribe.

Such material should be shredded; it will then lose all its power.

Do not reply or respond to it in any way; maintain radio silence. Any contact from you will be seen by them as a reward thus enabling them to bother you even more.

Nomama Tue 19-Aug-14 17:12:56

Aye. Bin it.

If you feel like writing a response do it, spend time making it detailed and vitriolic if you want to, and then bin that too.

Leave them in that vacuum, silence is really powerful.

elQuintoConyo Tue 19-Aug-14 17:22:35

If you want to keep hold of it but not 'keep hold' of it, you could scan it, just for future reference. It'll sit in a folder, tucked away somewhere where you don't see it everyday. But there if you need it to print in the local newspaper to stop yourself contacting them in the future, or your DH in case either of you have a moment of weakness and think you ought to call/visit.

So annoying when arseholes don't stay away.

Have more thanks

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed Tue 19-Aug-14 17:24:24

For me, when things trigger an old emotion from bad relationships, I imagine a door slamming shut down in front of the feeling and I say "no, I'm not doing that any more" in my head. It's not a perfect solution but it helps me get out of the immediate emotional response and see the pattern for what it is so I can deal with it.

Molotov Tue 19-Aug-14 18:02:56

Thanks, all of your comments really mean a lot. I feel supported here smile

I know the silence will be difficult for them to bear, so that's what I will go with (deapite wanting to write something back).

I just don't love them anymore. I have reached the point of indifference. It was MN that first made me realise my extended family are toxic, and that some members may have narcissistic personality disorder. It made everything make sense - and I suppose there is an irony that I have been labelled as "selfish". I think it is because I have demonstrated that they are not my focus.

I will try not to undo all of that hard work.

Thanks all again x

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