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I don't want hate, I want indifference. Please give me your tips.(16 Posts)
It's been 4 years since I finally found the strength to leave XH. He had been EA, SA and had raped me on one occasion many years before.
It was a horrible 15 year relationship.
When I first left I hadn't come to terms with just how controlling and nasty he was. In the first year we even met up for drinks to discuss dividing the assets etc. it was all relatively amicable, but only really because I never challenged anything.
He started cancelling seeing the dcs and then demanding to see them at other times and blaming me if I wouldn't cancel my plans to let him see them.
I then found out from the eldest dc that he'd been neglecting them. This had led to youngest dc coming to harm. I stopped contact and awaited court.
I was promised that Cafcass would listen to the dcs. The dcs wanted to see their dad (I encouraged this because I felt it was important), but were worried that he put them in danger (only the eldest expressed this, the younger two were too young to be aware). XH lied. Cafcass stated that they would only report on what XH would admit and recommended full contact. Eldest is old enough to choose, and won't see him as feels upset about XH saying it wasn't true, and doesn't want to be a part of anything that hurts the younger dcs.
XH is petty and has already broken several aspects of the court order, but since the dcs haven't been harmed as a result this apparently isn't relevant.
I now have no direct contact. All communication and arrangements are through a family member's email address who tells me what has been said and forwards my replies. This has helped since he cannot directly abuse me now.
I have moved on. I have a great new dp who the dcs adore. I never knew relationships could be like this.
But everytime he comes up with some petty demand or breaks the order I get so angry. I hate him. He raped me and abused me. It's not fair that the dcs that I work so hard for, love that complete bastard. It's not fair that he now denies everything. He can move on and Disney-dad to his heart's content, and I hate him so much.
I want to detach. I love my life now. I have a wonderful home. My dcs are fantastic. My dp is incredible. But when this hatred rears its head I feel so stressed I physically shake.
I've detached as much as I can, and I'm sure time will help, but I need to find a way to let this go. It's the unjustness of it all that hurts so much.
You poor thing, you know people are going to recommend counselling, right?
In the meantime, remember that the relationship between your children and their father, that you done your best to nurture, is for the children's benefit. Does that take away the unfairness?
Viv, thank you, I have just finished a round of counselling (limited free sessions), and whilst it helped me in general (day to day I'm much better), it hasn't helped me get rid of the hatred.
Maybe she just wasn't the right counsellor.
I suppose when it comes to the dcs I think "am I doing the best thing for them by encouraging them to have a good relationship and thereby potentially endangering them, or would they be better off with me telling them what a vile and selfish man he is (even towards them) and protecting them from the potential harm?
NB, I would never slag him off to them. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even though he and his mother happily slag me off within the dcs' hearing.
I guess I'm tired of doing the right thing, and all the effort involved in that, whilst he does what he wants.
My counsellor said that the fact that I was still trying to understand his motives, was me trying to "please" him, and that I needed to realise that his motives are alien to me. They are not rational or about what is best for the dcs, they are about "winning" (whatever that means).
Your counsellor is right! Work on getting your head around those words.
It's ok to hate him. Necessary even. But it's unsustainable, so will pass in time. When you're ready to shrug, accept he's a wanker, and that it is absolutely no reflection on anyone but him.
You're playing the long game. Your children will know and understand when they're at the age to handle it.
would pity work? I no longer get worked up about EA XP as I did detach completely, magically in one minute on one day.
I think of him now as the "poor man getting through life with only half a brain".
Now when he winds me up (he is F to my 2 DC) I just think to myself "oh dear he really has only has half a brain" and I can say this over and over sometimes. It really does help and makes me laugh instead of getting angry.
It works for me - but I am sure someone else will be along with some proper advice soon.
Hate doesn't hurt him - it hurts you. It is inside of you. You don't need to release the hate for his sake or your DC's sake, but for you own.
Perhaps seek out a little mantra you can repeat to yourself when the hateful feelings flare up inside of you which will help you detach and let it go?
The Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That" really helped the penny drop for me re stopping trying to understand why. Reading that book might be helpful in getting to a detached state.
Becool, that book was my bible in the death throws of out marriage but I passed it on.
I know why he does things really. It's because he's an arrogant arse who knows best and will never be able to entertain the fact that he's a terrible parent and human being.
The hatred does only hurt me. And it hurts me a lot. It's another unfair burden
I like the idea of a mantra. Dp says we need to pity him for being so pathetic. I think that is the way I need to go.
When I first left I felt so free. It was like I had a whole new life that he couldn't touch. Then I discovered he was hurting the dcs, and now court has told me I cannot protect them.
My stupid solicitor even said on the day in court "but after he's made all these assurances, just think how stupid he'll look if something happens"
I was very restrained when I responded with, "I won't care how stupid he'll look! My dcs would be hurt!"
I wish I could just let go.
I like the idea of a mantra. Dp says we need to pity him for being so pathetic. I think that is the way I need to go.
But make it yours - don't indulge his request for pity, but make the mantra yours, for you, about your needs, doing what you want. I use the half a brain mantra because a) it's kind of true (re his decision making processes at least) and b) it makes me laugh and humor is important to me - stops depression creeping in etc and c) it really works for me.
I still (20 months on) find myself occasionally wondering why? or How? or even feeling sympathy for him. When this happens I pull myself up immediately and stop the thought process in its tracks - <insert mantra here>.
You are doing great. Keep going - you know you will get to your happy place.
What I'm finding hardest is probably my anger at myself. I spent years trying to make a relationship work with a man who scared me. I spent years being supportive and wasting my life.
I spent years putting my dcs through the fear of his anger, because I thought it was for the best.
I let him do things to me that disgust me. I let that happen and stayed for years afterwards.
I slept beside that man that now fills me with disgust.
How could I have let myself, my body, my feelings down so much?
I shudder at the idea that I once let him touch me.
Op I really sympathize because this is something I also used to really struggle with , I still do occasionally. I too put up with similar abuse and had similar issues with dcs. I found it really helpful to have a journal to rant in , and also , I think you need to find some kindness for yourself and forgive yourself. You didn't have the knowledge or the tools that you have now.
Probably what's not helping is the on going abuse 're the dcs. He's still abusing you , and by badmouthing you , he's emotionally abusing them. There is also still some contact via email. To be honest your solicitor sounds shit and incompetent. I would ring women's aid and get a new solicitor, and I'd head for no contact. Your still angry because your still being abused via your children. Once he's out of your lives it will ease.
Badbalding, my solicitor was a bit shit. It was very disappointing since she was recommended by someone I trust. It started off as "you must protect your dcs" and ended up "let him have whatever he wants, the courts will give it anyway".
Can I ask how arrangements can be made if there is no contact at all? I can't afford to do things through a solicitor anymore. What could WA actually do to help me? I'm not in danger anymore, I just can't cope with the aftermath
Wa can possibly recommend a better solicitor in your area. Did you ever document the abuse with anyone ? As I understand it you can get legal aid if there is documented evidence of abuse. Discuss this with wa , and also the issues with the dcs.
Is he paying for solicitors out of his own pocket ? What really is the consequences of not complying with a court order ? Thousands of people do it. If there's a court order , why does there need to be any emailing arrangements via a family member , surely it's the same time each week.
Does he pay maintenance ?
He pays maintenance, this was arranged during the "amicable" period based on CSA figures. His income has gone up significantly but it stays the same and I'm not going to query it.
No, I never documented anything. I have my diary entries at the time. I have some old email evidence where he admits some things, but nothing recorded at the time with officials, and I got out with help from friends so he didn't have the opportunity to get nasty and I didn't call WA.
The email is for any possible changes. It seemed unreasonable not to be able to rearrange if for a valid reason.
One thing worth thinking about is this. When you feel conflicted about the fact that you have 'helped' your DC to love this man as their father, and thus allowed him to reap the rewards - enjoy being Disney Dad - remember, it's not quite as straightforward as that.
What your approach here has done is give them a better bedrock for healthy relationships, and a secure foundation - the kind that comes from having the simple, pure 'Mummy and Daddy love me, I can turn to them' situation in place through their very formative years. It does not actually mean that they will, as they grow, carry on seeing Daddy with a rosy glow because right now they have a positive association.
On the contrary, as emotionally healthy individuals, as they grow up and learn to judge and assess relationships, they are far more likely to gradually see your ex for what he is - a user, an abuser, a worthless void. And withdraw from him as a result.
They'll hear you being slagged off... and, because they live with you, who can manage to not create that atmosphere of hatred, their response isn't going to be 'Yeah, mum's crap, isn't she! Fuck her!' No - as people who have been shown, by you, what it's like to be kind, generous, forgiving, they are going to think 'God, I hate dad and gran when they're like this. Why do they need to be so horrible? Mum would never say this about Dad. Hmm, wonder what he was like as a husband... I can't imagine Mum being too horrible to him, but I can really imagine how nasty he could have been to her...'
He won't get away scot free. He really won't. Not unless your DC grow to be exactly like him, and you're making sure that, on the contrary, they grow to be the kind of normal, nice, kind people who as adults won't be able to help judging him - dad or not.
Castle that is so helpful, what a great way of looking at it. I've been so worried that I'm naively letting them be manipulated by him, that I hadn't thought of it from that perspective at all.
Thank you very much. That makes a lot of sense.
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