Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How do I stop feeling sex is a chore?(20 Posts)
Dh have been together six years, married for two, and have two kids under four (baby 7mo).
I've never had the highest libido, but it's now becoming a bit of an issue. I feel like there's pressure to have sex every week, as I know that's what dh would love. He's very affectionate and loving normally, but he's getting frustrated as we haven't dtd for about a month.
Just feel a bit of a mental block, like it's another thing to have to do: put kids to bed, sort kitchen, make bottles, have sex, write shopping list, check weather forecast etc etc
Anyone have any advice please? I'd love to be able to relax and enjoy more sex.
I think you are not alone OP and what you describe is normal given the ages of your DC.
Does your DH pull his weight WRT childcare, housework etc?
Many men don't realise that just sharing the work load would be much more of an encouragement than complaining.
Are you able to have a break from the DC at all?
FWIW it does get better as the Dc get older, sleep better etc. Your DH needs to understand this. Can you talk to him about it?
I don't enjoy sex at all I do love the intimacy you feel during and shortly after, but I could happily live without it
I do it as a 'chore' because I do believe it's a really important factor to keeping a healthy relationship, and I get so down about the fact I just wish I wanted to jump on my DH but I don't I spoke to family health clinic about it once and they wanted to refer me for Psychosexual counselling
The best aphrodisiac is a partner's true participation in family life, sharing household tasks, admin and childcare as much as is allowed by work commitments. The guy who comes home expecting to loaf about having everything done for him by a woman who is at the same time caring for children, and who may herself have put in a full day of work either inside or out of the house, is a guy who is asking to be rejected in bed. Sex requires energy and the care of young children, especially around tea and bed time really saps the energy.
Are you still bfing? My hormones whilst bfing meant that I didn't get excited (also didn't get a period) and was not interested in sex. Also from a tiredness point of view I was too tired to want to do anything until the dc were sleepin through the night.
Unless you actually aren't interested in your dh any more I'd say you just need to ride it out until dc is older.
No advise but just wanna tell you i am nodding along to every word. Similar age kids. No libido. Feel very overtouched all the time anyway due to velcro baby. Its a real issue for my DH and is causing some big problems for us :-( I really wish I wanted to, it'd be so much easier than trying to fake enthusiasm. When we do have sex I usually enjoy it but sometimes it is just a chore. I could go a week without having a single sexual thought tbh.
Thanks for your responses, it's good to know I'm not alone, and it's not really something I feel like I can talk about with friends in RL. Sorry it's making you sad too, Scouse, I'd never even heard of psychosexual counselling. Do you think it would help?
In answer to some of your questions, dh does pull his weight around the house, but is out of it for 45-50hrs per week working, then is frequently on-call when he is here. So 2-3 evenings per week can be taken up with him working upstairs (IT Manager) for a couple of hours. He's very hands-on with the kids, so when he does get in he rolls his sleeves up and gets on with bath/bed routine with me. I'm currently on mat leave, so don't mind picking up the slack.
Older ds is in nursery for 15hrs per week, and baby has been sleeping 11-12hrs per night for a few weeks now, and isn't breastfed, so don't even have those as an excuse either! Inlaws help out with childcare too sometimes, to give me a break.
I am interested in my husband, and really do want to get our sex life back on track, just don't know how. I've heard the expression "use it or lose it" wrt to intimacy, and am scared we'll drift into losing it
I have been feeling like this. Recently jealousy crept into our relationship when DH seemed enthusiastic about the prospect of a new female colleague (almost entirely irrational on my part) but we did talk about it and it woke me up to the fact that I do live my DH and wouldn't want him to be tempted elsewhere, and that triggered more inclination to dtd. Weirdly, the prospect of someone else being attracted to DH both terrifies me and helps me to appreciate him more!
Doesn't help that I have significant low self esteem due to body image. Is that something that concerns you?
How much time are you spending with yourself? Maybe a regular solo session once a week might kick start things?
Think body image is ok (does that sound really up myself?!), am 10lbs short of my pre-pregnancy weight, and am feeling better about my body generally. Sorry you have low self esteem Lapsed I'm sure you're gorgeous, and bet your dh thinks so too!
Stargirl - thanks for the tip; I was going to bake whilst ds2 napped today, but I erm....didn't!
I will talk to dh about it tonight and try to come up with a plan. I know it sounds daft, but do you think maybe setting aside the same night every week to dtd might be a good idea? We can then look forward to it, and I'll try to get the chores done and turn all our screens off so we can concentrate on one another.
Are you not attracted to your dh or the sex not very good? Imo if you have those 2 things you will prioritise sex above a lot of the pointless list type things as its something you enjoy.
I think the same night each week would make it even more of a chore if you weren't in the mood, you'd be dreading that day.
I feel like if I get into bed and DH asks if I'm up for it, the answer will almost always be "no" as I can't be bothered - but.....if we start to kiss & cuddle with no expectation I'm more inclined to get in the mood. The problem is that DH doesn't want to start the kissing/cuddling without knowing that it's going to lead somewhere - so we can get into an all or nothing situation which only makes matters worse.
Ratehr than looking at it as a chore, I look at is something Im not depserate to do, but will to make DH happy. I do enjoy it in the end, just need to force myself to make that first move (alcohol helps!)
Could you arrange an evening where you have no domestic/child responsibilities, and spend it doing something (bath, pampering) that makes you feel relaxed, good about yourself, and perhaps relieves the feeling of being over-touched. You could even read something that gets you in the mood. Either way I suspect that having some you time would make a big difference to how you felt about dtd later on. I wouldn't make it an explicit "deal" with your other half but with a bit of luck he'd make the connection and perhaps realise it was in his interests to support you to get quality time off!
Does your dh try to woo you at all? Sometimes mine will bring me in a bottle of wine, some chocolate, make some suggestive comments etc and some of the time that works. Other times we start and baby wakes up anyway. I feel like you do though, but I know if we had all the time together with no dcs things would get back on track. It's just not sexy spending all day with greasy hair trying to do snippets of housework in between bouts of crying, velcro baby breastfeeding, changing nappies, emptying potties and dealing with toddler tantrums.
It sounds like you've both fallen into the role of mum and dad , instead of husband and wife. Do you spend much time together , as in quality time , dates ect ? Sitting watching tv doesn't count. If possible consider a regular babysitter .
Thanks everyone, some great suggestions here so far.
I kinda feel like it's catch-22 as if I spend the eve pampering and/or drinking wine, as then I feel like I have to dtd as there's an expectation then. But then my stubborn, contrary side kicks in and I think "no, I should be able to do those things without them always being a precursor to intercourse".
Dh is always the one to initiate anything. If he didn't, we'd prob never do it.
Then there's the difficult part of switching off from "Mum" mode when we are together, as even if dh is kissing and caressing me, I'm still wondering about what to cook for dinner the next night sigh
Could you maybe make it abit more fun introduce some toys or something you think you may enjoy. My dh took that approach as he thought I was perhaps slightly bored so in my mind I was thinking of all the household stuff that needed doing and would put it off he came home from work abit early one night to help me clean with children etc etc ran me a bath and then took things from there I do look forward to it a lot more and I will initiate it but it did take a while. It was also important he didn't try it after 9pm as sad as it sounds as I was starting to get really sleepy by then and would just get irritated he learnt that lesson quickly to be fair on him
Are you in the pill??
I find it really suppresses my sex drive & I can't wait to stop it
I think you should be able to be affectionate , drink wine , without him thinking it's going to lead to sex. Expectations like this often lead to a downward spiral. You'll stop being affectionate and he'll start feeling rejected and try even more. Eventually it becomes easier to avoid the issue entirely by not getting his hopes up. It sounds like he doesn't read you very well.
I think it's sad you find it a chore.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.