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Feeling fragile - ex partner violent last night

(53 Posts)
SuperLoveFuzz Sun 17-Aug-14 20:56:31

A few of you might remember me posting a few months ago about leaving my partner in the night after he tore the house apart looking for a bag of weed. Since then DD (8 months) and I have been staying with my parents until we moved into our own house at the start of this month. I did manage to stay strong in that I followed through on my plan to get my own place. DD and I have been much happier on our own. The problems came when I convinced myself the relationship could be fixed if we took it slow and worked on things. I also blamed myself for everything that went wrong when in truth he was emotionally, and at times physically, abusive and also controlling. I had stayed over with him at our old flat a few times and since I moved in here he stayed twice including last night. Each time we spent time together we ended up arguing but I tried to ignore this and took the blame for everything. Last night we had a drink together while DD was in bed. We argued and things got completely out of hand. He tried to leave taking my mobile phone (only means of contact I have) which is something he often uses as a form of control. When I tried to take my phone from him he was kicking and punching me, spat in my face, called me names, kicked me to the ground and left me there winded and crying. He left when 2 of my friends were on their way round at about 4am. He came back after they left because he couldn't get home. I was exhausted so just let him sleep in another room. This morning I was a mess, crying and apologising, begging him to make up with me. I'm bruised and aching all over. I just feel emotionally drained. I didn't feel I could phone the police at any point (have done twice in the past) because he threatened to make up lies. I also felt horribly guilty the other times I called even though I was right to do it. I know I've let this happen time and time again but I'm just looking for some hand holding from people who might understand why I keep getting pulled back in. I'm so so sad and have spent most of the day crying. I'm going to contact Women's Aid tomorrow. They gave me immediate support when I left a few months ago but I didn't follow it up, thought I could deal with it on my own.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 17-Aug-14 21:00:42

Oh love this is awful, no words of wisdom but here's a hand.
Please follow up with contacting Women's aid, I do know you are very vulnerable until you receive help. x

Mumof3xox Sun 17-Aug-14 21:02:26

Oh bless you op

You do not need or want this man in your life please be strong

HumblePieMonster Sun 17-Aug-14 21:02:40

Women's Aid, then the police to get it logged. Don't feel guilty.

I've just today warned a friend on another board to watch out for when she starts to feel better, because then she'll think she can cope with her abuser 'if they take it slowly'. She said Victim Support had used almost exactly the same words.

So, don't blame yourself. Its a common reaction.
Have my hand to hold, and let me reassure you, you aren't alone in having this experience.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Aug-14 21:09:04

Please do contact Womens Aid and also report him to the police. It can take several attempts to get out of an abusive relationship and, if you're lonely, it's tempting to think you can make things work. So don't blame yourself but get people around you who can keep you strong. Good luck

Chiana Sun 17-Aug-14 21:14:33

Definitely report to police, even after the fact. And follow through on ringing Women's Aid. Hugs. You WILL get through this.

SuperLoveFuzz Sun 17-Aug-14 21:45:15

Does anyone know what would happen if I phoned the police? When I've got in touch with them before they've gone round all my neighbours and asked if they heard anything. I really don't want that in my new house, I'm trying my best to have a new start. Can I just ask them to make a record of it?

43percentburnt Sun 17-Aug-14 22:59:22

Ask the police not to visit the neighbours. They will possibly photograph your bruises.

Is he your child's father? If so please report to the police so he cannot have unsupervised contact.

He subjected you to a horrific attack. Can I ask you something, if last night prior to the assault he had walked to the shop to pick up something, as he walked down the street he bumped into a guy who he is mates with. That mate walked up to him, kicked him, punched him, called him names, spat on him, kicked him to the ground and left him there winded and crying. 30 mins later he gets home. Would you want him to report the attack he was subjected to?

I totally understand why you would struggle to report, but you really need to do this. You deserve a happy and safe life. He is a vile man. He is such a loser, he returned to yours because he is so shit he couldn't make his own way home.

Op I really hope you are okay. Have you read why does he do that? There are many reasons people go back to abusive partners. Why do you think you go back to him?

You really do deserve to be happy and safe. Xxx

43percentburnt Sun 17-Aug-14 23:08:13

Often 'copers' end up returning. You feel you can deal with it. Your determination to make it work. You don't have to make a relationship work, that's rubbish. A good relationship feels right like a comfy slipper.

You see the best in someone. The glimmers of goodness.

You may be used to the emotional roller coaster ride. I struggled with that after ending an abusive relationship.

You may feel lonely or isolated.

Your self esteem may be low and you think he is the best you can get. (I promise you there are men out there a trillion times better then him). He is a vile specimen and most men and women would think he was an absolute loser. He may have told you that you won't find anyone better. Using words like 'fat' 'bad mum' 'lazy'. Or by implying that you cannot cope without him.

What do you think?

Call women's aid. You could look at a restraining order but you need to act quick.

43percentburnt Sun 17-Aug-14 23:10:48

Try this xxx

Quitelikely Sun 17-Aug-14 23:15:35

This man does not love you. He doesn't actually know what real love is. He wants to control you by fear and violence. He is succeeding at that right now.

I'm glad you know it's not right. You will one day be ready to leave. I hope that day is very soon. He won't change. He will get worse.

You will already know that you are risking your child having ss involvement.

SuperLoveFuzz Sun 17-Aug-14 23:24:23

Thank you all so much for your support, it has made me feel a lot stronger.

43percent - everything you've said is exactly right. I really don't feel like I'm able to report it and think I would feel worse for doing it. I doubt he will make much effort to maintain contact with DD anyway. I suspect he will return to his hometown about 4 hours away soon enough. Then any contact (if any) would most likely be facilitated by his parents who I trust. Thanks for the link. I've heard of 'why does he do that' a few times, I will check it out.

SuperLoveFuzz Sun 17-Aug-14 23:25:57

I have been given advice on here and read women's aid info over and over. All of it rings true with me about why I feel it's my fault and why I can't end it. Even so I can't shake the feeling that I caused all this and that there must be something I can do to fix it. I KNOW it's wrong but the feeling won't go sad

Adarajames Mon 18-Aug-14 00:08:25

Keep telling yourself it's not your fault, and we'll help by also reminding you of that, it's totally his fault and you need to only honk about what's best for you and your child, and that's to have nothing at all to do with him, and ideally he not even know where you are ao he can't come around threatening and scaring you again. And of he will be violent towards you, he'll also be violent towards your child, it's only a matter of time, and I know you'd never want that to happen, so get out now and be safe. Gentle reassuring hug

Adarajames Mon 18-Aug-14 00:09:13

*think not honk! Silly phone corrections

SuperLoveFuzz Mon 18-Aug-14 19:17:29

My mum phoned the police who came over this morning to take a statement. I've had photos taken of the bruises and he's been arrested.

poguemahon Mon 18-Aug-14 19:23:41

How would you feel if your DD went through this when she grows up?

You need to step away from this man, for your sake, and also to be a positive role model to your DD.

poguemahon Mon 18-Aug-14 19:24:04

Well done for speaking to this police, well done! You are strong and you can do this.

43percentburnt Mon 18-Aug-14 20:49:21

Super you are amazing! Well done you! So what happened?

How are you feeling?

(Sorry couldn't post earlier, work followed by feeding baby lots!).

43percentburnt Mon 18-Aug-14 20:59:20

Please don't back down. You are doing the right thing, if it was the other way round he would press charges against you.

Show your dd and yourself that you can keep you both safe. Because you can. When this is all over you can get on with making your life better and spending time with positive good people.

I had an arse of an ex. 8 years after splitting up my life is great. Yours can be too. Stay strong, when you feel wobbly post on here. You really don't need him around.

Last night was quiet I thought you would have loads of responses today.

SuperLoveFuzz Mon 18-Aug-14 21:13:31

He's been arrested and will be in court in the morning. I'm staying at my mum's tonight. Her and my stepdad have been great and took DD off my hands today and let me catch up on sleep. I'm still feeling sad and guilty, so many mixed emotions. I do feel I'm doing the right thing because I've had so much support on here and in RL.

43percentburnt Mon 18-Aug-14 21:41:49

You are doing the right thing. His attack was horrendous, the police recognised that hence he has ended up in court quickly. Have you looked to see if there is a freedom programme in your area.

I stayed in my abusive relationship too long, I was very young and I still worry about how my dd will be affected as an adult. You are doing great, a fab mum protecting your dd.

Adarajames Mon 18-Aug-14 22:06:04

well done! And what a great Mum smile You will feel rough for a while, you're still in shock and having to face the whole of your life changing, but just try to remember its for the better even if it doesn't feel like it when you're in the middle of it smile x

Chiana Tue 19-Aug-14 02:34:19

Well done, Super! You've been very brave. Talking to the police is very difficult.

diggerdigsdogs Tue 19-Aug-14 03:50:23

Well done and well done for protecting your dc too. Stay strong op.

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