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Is it just me, or is this abuse?

(49 Posts)
ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:10:28

I know I have things a lot better than many people and I'm not trying to sob story here but feeling pretty shit so please be gentle. I get that this might just be normal relationship stuff, and that I am probably equally in the wrong, and that when you have a new baby things are supposed to be rough..but something just feels really wrong in our marriage. I was reading a post a few weeks ago about a shit boyfriend who kept looking his temper, (particularly in the car) and everybody was replying "run for the hills", and I just suddenly felt wow..that's what they would tell me.
My husband is a funny, kind, laid back bloke with everybody else, but I feel like he can't be that person with me. I love him and I know I'm not a great wife Scotty/untidy/anxious. I have tried to end things before and said some really unkind things to him I'm in no way perfect in this. He cries and tells me he loves me and we start again
Here are some of my concerns will bullet point for ease-
- I feel like he watches and assesses me constantly, how I eat, drink, walk and talk are often brought into conversation and never in a positive way. For example if I am walking in front he will regularly scold me for always getting in people's way, but if I slow to let them pass ' we'll never get anywhere at this rate', if I walk beside him he will comment if I turn 'why would you go that way' I got into the unconscious habit of walkin g half a step behind so I can follow him, but now this is always wrong too. I try to lightheartedly bringing up the issue but all I get is 'we'll if you knew how annoying it was'
- He often looses his temper and speaks to me in an aggressive way so that the dog hides behind me shaking, then says he was talking normally. He will be very aggressive to companies on the phone to the extent that it scares me.
- He has never hurt me but has held me physically from leaving a room or the houses.
- He will constantly undermine me about the littlest things in front of people, for example I said how lovely the big archway in our friends New kitchen was, he made quite a big thing of telling the people we were with how silly I was because it was only a normal door size, later on we visited friends is huge.
- when he comes in he often stomps around tidying/correcting the house, gutting sighing and complaining, this often involves throwing my things, or kicking our baby daughters toys across the floor. I have told him this makes me really upset as I feel it might frighten her. If I react when he's doing it he will say he wasn't angry but I've made him mad by asking, if I don't react he will often get into my personal space like snatching food out of my hands or moving my leg out the way. I can't explain it but it feels so nasty.
-He regularly reduces me to tears then laughs at me while I'm crying calling me hysterical.
- Regularly looses his temper in the car/ getting ready to go somewhere or silks.

Feel so unhappy as I don't want our daughter to be affected by the bad atmosphere between us.

Dirtybadger Sat 16-Aug-14 23:14:47

It's not you, it's him. He is abusive, yes.

whitsernam Sat 16-Aug-14 23:16:26

Yep. What Dirtybadger said. Completely.

Twinklestein Sat 16-Aug-14 23:17:18

It's definitely abuse OP, I'm sorry.

You're right your daughter will be affected by it, even the poor dog is.

Have you contacted Women's Aid? Phone number 0808 2000 247
Give them a call asap.

Justatoe Sat 16-Aug-14 23:17:55

Yes, definitely abuse.
Just don't wait 13 years like I did to leave...much harder with a teen & will take longer to recover.
Have a look at the thread on emotional abuse for information, strength & guidance.

BlackDaisies Sat 16-Aug-14 23:18:49

Yes, it is abuse. Do you have friends or family you can talk to and get support from?

MargotThreadbetter Sat 16-Aug-14 23:19:26

Yes. He's very abusive - get away from him, especially as you have a baby.
It will be her cowering behind you along with the dog in a few years. Your post makes me scared for you sad

Hairylegs47 Sat 16-Aug-14 23:21:44

Blimey, you need to know you are right. This IS abuse!
You don't 'deserve' it/haven't 'made' him do it/lose his temper. He's a complete and utter nutter.

Now, come up with a plan and change your life, if not for your sake, for your daughter. Would you want HER to live with a nutter like him?

thanks for you

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:21:44

Oh God sad I feel so guilty to my daughter,
. No one is going to believe me sad he is so nice to everyone else.

Hairylegs47 Sat 16-Aug-14 23:24:45

The 'best' nut jobs always are lovely to outsiders, it part of controlling you. As in, no one will believe you when you tell them what he's really like.

But look at gold old Uncle Rolf, everyone thought he was such a nice man.....

MargotThreadbetter Sat 16-Aug-14 23:25:21

Abusers often are nice to everyone else. Call Women's Aid as the poster above suggested - please.
They will advise you and help you get away.
It's no-one else's business why you leave. Be strong for your daughter (and poor dog) as well as yourself.

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:27:00

If I leave she'll have unsupervised contact won't she? I feel like either way her life is going to be hard sad poor poor little one xxx I can't believe I've spent the last ten years of my life loving him sad

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:28:10

Women's aid won't speak to me because he's home.

HappyGirlNow Sat 16-Aug-14 23:28:56

I was with someone who revealed themselves as a total nutter over time.. Everyone loved him and thought he was the greatest guy! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Please be true to yourself and your child, be strong, get out. It'll hurt but you'll start to heal and I promise, you'll look back and see it was the best thing you ever did!

These people don't change, they may just manage to hide it for a bit till the heat is off. Leave - great things are round the corner for you!!

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:29:06

Thank you for all the advice I do appreciate it.

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Aug-14 23:29:31

Oh OP, he is really awful. It shows how used you are to his behaviour that you have to ask whether he's abusive. It doesn't matter what he's like to others; he is abusive to you.

You have to get away from this man.

MargotThreadbetter Sat 16-Aug-14 23:31:46

No, they don't want to put you at risk. Call them when he's out - it won't show up on your phone bill.
You've been brave posting here and it's a first step. Do you have someone in RL you can confide in?

bumdiedum Sat 16-Aug-14 23:32:08

it IS like the movies, the baddie is the one that scares the dog. It's a definite yes from me, too. please don't think this is normal. And don't worry if everyone thinks that you are a nut. You k.ow the truth.

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:35:55

Since I saw the other post I have started confusing in my parents. They were really shocked I think. They believe marriage is for life. I'm too ashamed to tell other people, everybody loves him.

HumblePieMonster Sat 16-Aug-14 23:35:57

He sounds like my ex husband. Every outing had what I called an 'autopsy' , where he told me exactly what I'd said wrong. He did a lot of the other things your o h does too.

Stay calm, talk to women's aid, plan for you and your daughter. Without him will be better than with him.

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:37:16

Sorry so many typos, very tired xxx

ovenbun Sat 16-Aug-14 23:38:46

Is there anywhere he can get help to change?

MargotThreadbetter Sat 16-Aug-14 23:39:36

Please OP, stop worrying about what other people think, including your parents. Have you told them the full extent of his behaviour as you've outlined here?
If my child came to me with that story I would never let them go back to their partner.
You really need to be strong and do the right thing for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up in fear? Because that's what will happen.

CaptChaos Sat 16-Aug-14 23:39:44

Yes, he is abusive. He won't get better.

You might be surprised at how people react when you leave, if he belittles you in front of them, it won't have been very comfortable for them. They will know he's an abusive arse. Good luck with women's aid and well done for posting here, you are very brave.

MargotThreadbetter Sat 16-Aug-14 23:41:10

Problem is OP, his behaviour controls you, so why would he want to change?
He knows how much he upsets you and laughs at you sad

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