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Don't know what to do(109 Posts)
Have NC for this.
I am pretty sure my DP of 10 yrs is having an affair. We have 2 DC and I'm 35wks pregnant with our third.
I know it sounds odd asking strangers what to do but I have no friends or family near and don't feel I have anyone to talk to.
I have had suspicions for a little while but put it down to pregnancy hormones (have had thoughts like this when pregnant previously)
He gets home from work later than me (we are on holiday so no work at the moment). He constantly goes out, just short trips, walking dog or shop etc.
I got suspicious as all of a sudden he was keeping his phone on him, previously it would be laying around, not on etc.
I did the stupid thing today as for once he left it at home when he went out with the kids. It was turned off so I turned it on and looked. There was one message (he usually deletes everything as he goes along so I was quite surprised to find anything) it was from an unsaved number, sent at 5.30 in the morning. The gist was ' what are your plans today?' It then asked when they could say hello, even if briefly for half an hour.
I feel sick, he is seeing someone else isn't he? How the hell do I deal with this? Do I ask him outright and admit to looking at his phone?
Shit what am I going to do?
You need to find out. It does sound suspicious I agree. It depends whether you want to confront him, or whether you want to wait and try to gather evidence.
I'm very sorry.
Looks that way, you need to get yourself some support, is there nobody in rl who can help you through this - I am actually amazed at the amount of men that cheat on their pregnant partners, it's like a bloody disease.
You have to have it out with him, I really wouldn't worry about looking at his phone, that's the least of your worries.
I would gather evidence first. It's amazing how convincing men can be when presented with circumstantial evidence.
I would also text back and agree to meet and turn up myself.
I agree this wouldn't be for everybody though
I just don't know what to say to him.
I think it is someone from his work, they seem to know it is difficult for him to get away ie he has a bloody family.
I don't think gathering evidence would work as I think he has just slipped up leaving this, the message was from the 10th, but we have been away on holiday so he may just have forgotten.
How the hell do I start the conversation?
Think I'm in shock, have not cried or anything, just numb at the moment and feel sick to my stomach.
I need to wait until the kids are asleep but don't want to look at him. Just dread him saying he is 'taking the dog out'
You should have written down the number, then called it the moment your husband went out. Just to see who answered.
I don't think this alone means he is having an affair though - I think you are jumping to conclusions.
I mean....how long does he walk the bloody dog for?
Is there anything else in the relationship that is making you have doubts?
You need that number OP, I take it your assumptions aren't just made on this message alone?
My exH did the same with his phone, kept it on him all the time, took it everywhere with him. He left it in the kitchen window once and it beeped, I read the text and it was his friend from work whom he was confiding in because I was a bitch wife.
My exH was also always late home from work, he had his hair highlighted - ffs!! and even bought another phone on a PAYG pretext with some lame excuse.
It's classic signs of OW or the start/thinking of having an affair.
I just knew it in my gut! I was right! We've been divorced 8 years!
"I mean....how long does he walk the bloody dog for?"
It doesn't have to be for long. Just long enough to send and receive some texts. maybe make a quick call. DH's affair was 90% text - a bit juvenile really. When I looked at the pattern of the hundreds of texts there would be a stream of them around 8am when he went to buy a paper and some milk when the kids and I were getting up for school and work, and a load when I went out for my run or walked the dog, and when he was out with his friends (and yes he nearly lost two old friends around this time because he simply wasn't interested in their company at the time). Not all affairs are about long sessions of forbidden sex, lots of it is building connections, getting closer, weaving the AP into your everyday life. And that is what really hurts IMO.
Petty and nasty I know, but when he says 'just taking the dog out' I would have to reply "is she not that pretty then ?"
There are other things, things that niggle.
When we were on holiday I woke up and heard him talking to someone outside at about 3am??
He came home from work one day with 2 of his shirt buttons undone and just brushed it off when I asked how it had happened.
I just don't understand when he has the time, unless she lives near us. He works 30mins away from our house, so I suppose he could finish early a few times a week and that would give him a couple of hours.
He doesn't go out in the evenings, except for the shop/dog trips and has no friends he could use as cover.
Just don't know what to say to him. Do I launch in with an accusation or give him chance to tell me?
Text the number with a time and meeting place for 20 minutes time and go and meet them.
Did you ask him who he was talking to at 3am? What was his reply?
Iriano has got it sussed! I too got hold of a mobile phone statement, one that cost us over £300 for a month!! Lots of texts in the morning as he left for work, picture messages (which racked the ££ up), he shared things with her that he should have been sharing with me!
We went away with friends to Bath and he was ages coming up to the room (after drinking in the bar), I remember going down to see where he was and he was on the phone to her, as he turned around to look at me, the look on his face was utter guilt. I can see his face even now!
He went away for the night with work and when I emptied his bag there was a false nail in the bottom??
All these little things make you think, suspect and then you start really looking & listening!
I can still remember those 9 months and how they made me feel, it was truly horrible.
I'd wait a bit longer and see what else he does
if you can stand it write down things that have happened so far so you have a record, plus the number!!
I don't think I can get hold of the number as I'm sure the phone will disappear again later.
We are supposed to be going to his parents at the wknd for a few days, I don't think I can play happy families as this is eating away at me.
But, if I say the words then that's it isn't it, it all hits the fan. I don't think he would leave me when he thinks I don't know, especially as I'm 8mths pregnant. But I don't think I can ignore it, I need to know what the hell is going on.
The nearer it gets to bedtime the sicker I feel.
I've got the number, not that I know what to do with it.
I've been trying for the last hour to pluck up the guts to say something, truth is that I don't want to know the answer.
He knows there is something up but will not ask me, he has now gone to the shop but left phone behind.
Hide the phone. When he gets home, you haven't seen it. When you get a minute to yourself, phone the number. Whoever it is will think its him calling.
I know someone who had a very brief 4 week affair with a MM before she had a "WTF am I doing?!" moment and ended it.
She used to text him to say she was leaving for the supermarket that evening and they'd meet in the darkened car park for a snog and a catch up before they parted company. They used to grab the odd half hour here and there.
These affairs aren't about building bonds and solid relationships. They're about the thrill and the fun so there is certainly enough time in 'walking the dog' or going to the shop.
Anyone who reassures themselves by thinking their partner doesn't have the time or the opportunity is burying their head in the sand. If someone wants to do it. They will.
My exH had an affair. He never went out at night. He never worked late. On reflection, the traffic was occasionally bad and he popped to the supermarket in the evenings if we ran out of milk...
I think ideally you need a key logger for his laptop and/or a voice activation recorder. You could try calling the phone number (withholding your own number) in the middle of the night to see if you can get her voicemail?
I wouldn't say a word until I had something concrete , a weak confrontation will simply be met with denial and he will be much more careful in future. Text the number , generate a time to meet , and turn up yourself.
I'm not surprised you are sick and worried.
This does not look good.
I really hope you have managed to confront him.
You know deep down what is going on.
We have good gut instincts for this precise reason.
I've no idea how you tackle it.
When I had suspicions I confronted my Ex but he just denied everything, swore on our DD life etc... the script basically.
Then when I had evidence, I just called him and said 'You are having affair and it did start when I said it did and why would you lie to me when I gave you every chance to tell the truth?'
The conversation went from there really. He asked how I knew.
It's so totally heart breaking.
You actually feel sick and can't eat or drink or anything.
You are pregnant though so you need to try to look after yourself.
Keep your sugar levels up.
Most importantly, get some real life support.
Don't keep or hide his dirty little secret.
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