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So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

(470 Posts)
ThunderHeart Sun 10-Aug-14 23:49:34

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives sad

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

Glitterkitten24 Sun 10-Aug-14 23:53:50

Hi op,

Your life didn't end up like this- your life and situation is what is it because of choices you have made.

Which means that you can choose to take it in a different direction now.

Don't feel done to- take action.
What do you need to be happy?

BiscuitMillionaire Sun 10-Aug-14 23:57:14

Watch out OP, because women having affairs with married men usually get ripped apart on here.

AnnieLobeseder Sun 10-Aug-14 23:58:38

If your DH doesn't make you happy, leave him and build a better life for yourself.

But don't expect your other man to leave his wife for you. a) he probably won't and b) even if he does, odds are he'll leave you for yet another woman in the future.

As the previous poster said, you are where you because of the choices you have made - or refused to make.

You're not as young as you once were but you have many years ahead of you yet. Think hard about what you want and begin to make it so.

VanitasVanitatum Sun 10-Aug-14 23:59:47

I would say that you need some time apart from your husband and your other man right now, as both relationships sound destructive.

In the long term, you need to step out of someone else's marriage; you're just his bit on the side, no matter how much he 'adores' you. If he was such a fabulous guy he could not cheat on his wife for four years.

This can only end in tears and pain and heartbreak. You need a fresh start with neither of these men in your life.

Dirtybadger Mon 11-Aug-14 00:01:53

He isn't treating his kids as priority. He would have enough respect for their mother to leave her (or not conduct an affair) if he were to treat them as such. I wonder if my father ever though he was being good to his kids by staying with my mum whilst he shagged the "real" love of his life.

Leave your husband. OM probably won't leave his wife but you're in a loveless marriage and, like you say, robbing your husband of a life.

SoonToBeSix Mon 11-Aug-14 00:02:15

Because you are selfish, but so I am, so is everyone it is human nature. It is how you act on the selfish thoughts that matters. Wanting a man to leave their wife is wrong very wrong and you know that. Your marriage may be failing ( I do hope you go to counselling and make it work) but please don't ruin someone else's.

pigsDOfly Mon 11-Aug-14 00:25:31

Not sure what advice you're hoping to get here OP but Buiscuit is right, you're most likely get torn to shreds.

The other man seems like everything your DH isn't because you don't see him during the daily grind and nitty gritty of life. It's all fantasy and he's on his best behaviour when he's with you.

He's no great shakes as a husband and father; he's being unfaithfully to his wife and putting his children's happiness at risk. He's really not the catch you seems to image.

If you're unhappy in your marriage be fair to your DH, your DC and to yourself. Ditch the other man and end your marriage. Then when you've had time sort out what you want to do with your life you can start looking for a relationship with a man who is free to have a proper relationship with a woman and wants to be with you and nobody else.

wannaBe Mon 11-Aug-14 04:05:28

It doesn't matter how much you adore each other, any relationship that is built on that level of deceit will continue in permanent mistrust. Any affair is destructive, but four years is a long time to deceive a partner, you will both have lied to each other as well as your existing partners, he still has sex with his wife for instance, so every time he goes out you will wonder, every time you go out he will wonder... If he can do it with you he can do it to you.

If you are unhappy in your marriage then leave, but this man doesn't hold the key to your happiness.

freyaW2014 Mon 11-Aug-14 04:10:22

What wannabe said

Leave them both and start again

Southpaws Mon 11-Aug-14 04:15:48

His children don't come first or he wouldn't jeopardise their stable lives by having an affair. He is using them as an excuse not to leave because he wants to keep you on the side.

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Aug-14 04:33:28

If you feel like you want to leave your DH because you no longer love him or want to be with him, then do that. But don't do it in the hope that your lover will choose to do the same, because it doesn't sound as though he will. In fact, he may back off from you completely as currently you are less threatening to his life than you would be if you were single.

Do it for yourself and yourself only - not in vain hope of this other man joining you.

Vivacia Mon 11-Aug-14 05:44:49

I am pleased to read lots of compassion and facts. No shred-ripping.

Brabra Mon 11-Aug-14 05:53:07

I think your lack of self-esteem probably helped lead you into this lifestyle.
Your marriage sounds untenable, however I doubt very much that your lover will leave his spouse. He wants to provide a 'stable family life for his kids' which probably translates as you are just a meaningless fuck and not someone he wants to be bogged down with for the rest of his life

BridgettRousselot Mon 11-Aug-14 05:56:43

I would advise you to "fix" what ever it is in "you" that has ruined your marriage and family. I would advise you to leave your poor husband and be single. Your DH doesn't deserve to be gaslighted. In order to have an affair for four years you will be lying to the poor Man and messing with him psychologically to cover up. This is not good for your children, to have Dad being lied to and Mum half there and half not.

Secondly, the married man is not a good father, he is spending family funds, time and energy on you instead of his family, he is a poor excuse for a Father.

FolkGirl Mon 11-Aug-14 06:11:49

OP, I'm not going to shred you either smile

But I will tell you this.

My exH had an affair with the one true love of his life. hmm

I discovered it and kicked him out. He had a breakdown (said he had no intention of ever leaving me or the children for her) and dumped her. She had 6 months off work with stress. They tried again because (in his words) felt he "owed it to everyone to try and salvage something from the situation". They lasted for another year and then split up.

I don't the reasons why, but given when I do know of her, and what I obviously know of him, I'd imagine the fantasy of being with the romantic, charming, young and heart version of him didn't quite live up to the irresponsible, selfish, man-child reality and she dumped him.

I don't know whether lack of trust or whatever played a part. But the reality of him isn't what you are seeing. You are seeing the very best version of him. Not the version that his wife lives with.

I wouldn't ever want a married man to leave their wife for me. I wouldn't want to be that woman and I wouldn't want to be with that man.

You don't need to be in a relationship. Your marriage sounds over. Give yourself some space, you've been with your husand since very young. Find out who you are and what you really want. Do you really want a man who could deceive his wife and children so successfully and for so long?

FolkGirl Mon 11-Aug-14 06:18:07

And he's already told you he's not leaving her so the best you can hope for is that she will find out about it and kick him out. When he will turn up on your doorstep devastated and wracked with guilt.

Everyone will know who you are and what you've done. You'll be called a tramp and a slut and worse. People will talk about you both behind your backs. People will shun you. People will find out at your children's schools. You'll both be playground gossip. You will feel guilty and like shit. He will feel guilty and like shit. You'll end up splitting up anyway.

Because if he really wanted to be with you, he'd have managed leaving his wife in an appropriate way by now to try and leave her with some dignity. At least publicly.

If he has told you he isn't going to leave her. Then he isn't going to leave her.

Don't do it to anyone involved anymore.

Itcantbelove Mon 11-Aug-14 06:51:12

Does anyone having an affair ever leave both their husband and the married man to be single? That might be the best thing to do but she's not going to do it in her situation.

WildBillfemale Mon 11-Aug-14 06:54:39

Your life didn't end up like this- your life and situation is what is it because of choices you have made.

This x100 - you are not a victim - the situation is because of choices you have made.

Your new man has made it clear he's not leaving his children so he's unavailable for a full relationship with you and all that means. You've wasted time being in a miserable marriage, don't waste years on an unavailable man.
If you are miserable in your marriage take steps to leave.
See them as 2 separate issues from now on.
Exticate yourself from your marriage
Consider not wasting more time on an unavailable man.
When you are free and truly single again you can find a man who is available - you probably won't need the OM as much as you think as at the moment he is propping up your marriage.
Good Luck - only you can change this situation - it's not something that's been done to you..........

wannaBe Mon 11-Aug-14 06:56:04

tbh, as unpopular a view as this might be, I think that after a four year affair it is entirely likely that the op is more than just "a meaningless fuck,". After four years an affair will be built on more than just sex, a sex-only relationship just wouldn't be sustainable for that long unless it was agreed to be such iyswim which in this case it doesn't appear that it has been.

It's also possible that the om is no less unhappy in his marriage than the op is, and that like the op he thinks he is doing the right thing by staying, but that actually, leaving his marriage would be the best thing also. We know nothing about him, but there is nothing to suggest he is any more or less of a bastard than the op iyswim. Affairs often come from a more complicated place than just wanting a meaningless shag, especially when emotions become involved and the affair becomes more sustained over time.

But regardless of what unhappiness or perceived unhappiness has led to the affair, none of that justifies the continued deception of partners for four years. Sometimes it's easy to see why someone ends up having an affair, however as it is often having the affair which makes people realise that something is wrong in their own marriages, the answer is not to stay in that marriage and continue the affair in the belief that no-one will get hurt that way.

Op your affair has gone on for so long now that if you did leave your respective partners for each other it simply wouldn’t be a case of finally being able to be together, because the fallout from this could potentially be so huge that it would destroy both your lives as well as those of your partners and children.

For a minute op just imagine yourself in the position of having left your husband and your om having left his wife. Now imagine that:

Your families find your actions despicable and want nothing more to do with you both. As a result your children will never see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc again, except perhaps if your ex’s maintain a relationship with your family and therefore maintain the contact between your children and your parents who want nothing more to do with you.

Your ex partners tell your children why mummy and daddy don’t live together any more and that it’s because mummy/daddy wanted to be with <inswert name of om/ow here> instead. In fact they tell your children that om/ow are the reason the marriage broke down and as such your children want nothing to do with you and decide they want to live with your ex’s with eow contact which will diminish as they get older.

Your mutual friends want nothing more to do with you because they have taken your ex’s side.

Then as you live together, every time your new partner speaks to another woman you will wonder whether he has some feelings for her. You will think you see signs of infidelity, a text, a phone call, a comment, all of which could be entirely innocent but because you have helped this man deceive his wife you know what he is capable of. Similarly because he has helped you deceive your husband he knows what you are capable of, and similar levels of mistrust, paranoya, suspicion will apply.

To the outside world you will need to maintain a happy relationship because everyone will be expecting it to fail, and after four years you will need to prove them wrong. After all this is the love of your life right? The man you want to leave your husband and marriage for?

No-one is saying that you should stay in an unhappy marriage fwiw. But for a minute take the om out of the equation and ask yourself if you still want to leave your husband. If the om left you tomorrow would you still leave? And if not, why not?

The om doesn’t hold the key to your happiness, only you do. It is entirely possible that you do in fact love each other genuinely. But if you do love each other, then you need to take a step back from each other to find your own way in regards to where your marriages are meant to go. If your marriages are meant to end regardless of whether the other is in the picture, then end your marriages, and if this relationship is meant to be then it will be at a time when it is appropriate – when you are both free to be together and when the beginning of your genuine relationship is not built on the end of your marriage.

whattheseithakasmean Mon 11-Aug-14 07:18:19

Your life didn't 'come to this'. You are in the driving seat - it is your husband and children that are entirely disempowered at the moment, you hold all their cards.

The first step for you is to to take ownership of your situation instead of letting it float along then trying to act the victim. Think about what you want and the best possible outcome, then take action to make it happen.

HumblePieMonster Mon 11-Aug-14 07:23:57

Erm... either you want to continue, you want to stop, or you want to throw many lives into chaos. Your choice.

bluebell345 Mon 11-Aug-14 07:30:57

leave them both, start a new life. but stay away from married men in future, it will cause you heartache.

Redhead11 Mon 11-Aug-14 07:31:19

I think you are deluding yourself. You made the choices that brought your life to where it is. should this OM ever leave his wife for you, could you honestly trust him? Anyone who can cheat for 4 years is highly suspect in my book. Having been the cheated-upon wife, i have no sympathy for you. You have betrayed your DH's trust. If the marriage is that bad, get out of it. Live by yourself and find out about yourself before you rush headlong into another relationship. Leave the OM - he's using you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 11-Aug-14 07:36:09

You have a choice in this, the mm has a choice in this. The mm's wife doesn't and neither do their children. He is not putting his children first, bullshit. Once they find out that their father treated their mother with such disregard and disrespect it will change them in some way (if only the way they view their dad).

I think you need to build your own life away from a man. If once you've broken it off he leaves his wife for you then so be it. As for a sneaky, secret affair- everybody deserves more dont you think?

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