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Deep down I knew all along

(76 Posts)
Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 00:44:49

I have been seeing someone for two years and I actually started to love him. I was single for a long time after a disastrous marriage. I met him through friends and fell in love with him. When I met him he was just 7 weeks out of a 6 year relationship. I was very cautious because I assumed he was on the rebound but we had a great time together and she was with someone else. Fast forward two years and I actually love him.

I was told by some people that knew them as a couple that she loved him and wanted him back. One year into our relationship she contacted him to get back with him. He told me that she contacted him and I was wary but he said he would never go back.

After two years I really loved him and trusted him. I got to know his family and he got to know mine and we got on very well. All along he told me that if she got in touch he would tell me. We have been having such a good time but tonight he told me that he has been speaking to her over the last 4 weeks cos he went into her place of work. He didn't tell me when it happened cos he thought I would kick off. I did but it is because my gut instinct all along worried that he would get in touch with her.

My feeling is that only being split up after 7 weeks when we met he never got over her and being in touch with her was inevitable. I am feeling very jealous and have told him to fuck off and never contact me again. It is the lying to me that hurts the most because I always worried in the early days that they would get back together.

I am devastated because I truly he believed would be honest with me. I feel like I have been taken for a ride and deeply upset that he lied to me. I hope someone is awake and up for a chat.

saffronwblue Sun 10-Aug-14 01:03:35

Has anything happened between them, do you think, or has he 'just' been talking to her? Does he want to get back together with her?

Hairylegs47 Sun 10-Aug-14 01:03:39

Aw, thats awful. Does she really want him back and is it a one sided thing? How does he feel about her? Bear in mind, a year ago HE didnt go back to her. Surely that says something???

DaddyBeer Sun 10-Aug-14 01:27:33

Pat I'm sorry you're upset, but just to comment superficially here, from what you say it sounds like there are two things going on here.

One is your boyfriend's (if I can call him that) delay in telling you, the other is your upset and jealousy about it. Of course you're upset, but is it possible you may be overreacting? Personally I have put off telling MummyBeer stuff because of fear of her reaction. It may not be right, but it is human.

And he did tell you. He could easily have not mentioned, no? He has shared information with you with no upside for himself other than knowing he was honest. And a fair amount of downside. You might think I'm being generous to him here, but so be it. You are best-placed to make that judgment.

There is obviously background here, and you do sound sensitive to it, which is understandable. I think I'm just saying it doesn't necessarily mean anything - and could really be quite the opposite of what you think - so maybe sleeping on it and having a calm think in the morning would be a good idea.

I know this might sound a bit cold and analytical, but it is my honest opinion and I do hope you might feel reassured and better tomorrow (today even).

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 01:27:47

Thanks so much for replying so quickly. I don't know if anything has happened, I don't think so but then would I know? They had a pretty dysfunctional relationship based on what he said and his family said. His family are really nice and welcomed me so much.

It is not about what did or did not happen but because it was always clear that she wanted him back and because this got back to me he assured me that he would tell me if she did contact him again. He told me tonight that he had a quite a friendly and even intimate conversation that happened 4 weeks ago that has totally devastated me. I thought intimate discussions were only our thing. I know I will get over this but I won't go back because I foolishly expect someone who says they love me to be telling the truth.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 01:46:20

Daddybear, very astute observation. Unless I have been living in some kind of fairy tale the last two years have been very loving. I went bonkers multiplied by a million. He didn't have to share it and was probably/maybe scared and trying to be honest. BUT why when it was already an issue did he not tell me 4 weeks ago. Incidentally the conversation they had was pretty cosy. Call me paranoid but I am just really upset about two people fucking about behind my back.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 02:07:47

Thanks a lot for the hugs. I am totally devastated but getting some replies is helping. Hairylegs the reason he didn't go back with her a year ago was perhaps because she was in a relationship with someone else.

DaddyBeer Sun 10-Aug-14 02:10:12

I think the likelihood is your last two years have been very good, as you say. And possibly he didn't tell you four weeks ago because it was already an issue. But the only way to really know this is to ask him (calmly!).

Men can get freaked out by a woman going "bonkers", especially if they know it's coming. Partly I suppose it might be wanting to have an easy life with minimal upset (and I think everyone wants this, one way or another). Also it is difficult to open up to someone if they're getting really angry with you. Which is why I think as calm an approach as you can manage will serve you better and get you more of what you want, ie, his honesty.

The other thing that occurs to me is - and you won't like this - the world doesn't revolve around you. Bear with me, this is just a fairly blunt way of saying that people can have close discussions with others, male or female, that do not cross any line of propriety. Yours and his may be more special, but that doesn't mean you or him can't have any emotional connection with someone else.

I still have fond feelings for a couple of past girlfriends that didn't work out. Doesn't mean I don't love MB and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Just be careful of your reaction - or having done that how you go about patching up, because I think it will have more effect than you think.

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 10-Aug-14 02:14:22

It does sound a little dodgy. But also like you may have over reacted due to underlying insecurities in the relationship.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 02:42:07

Daddy bear, as much as I would love to go mental (again) I understand that people do have close discussions with other people.I had a relationship once where I know it didn't work out but I will always have strong feelings for. I am just feeling completely hurt, pissed off, used, treated like a fool, ridiculed, laughed at, completely fucking worthless, and really stupid & embarrassed. We had discussions where my boyfriend promised me that he would tell me if his EX contacted him. We have had an amazing 2 years where I thought it was just him.

I think the reason I am so pissed off is because I actually believed he would tell me the truth. The last 4 weeks my boyfriend has been having cosy chats with someone other than me. Whilst I was in bed with him thinking that we loved one another he was keeping a secret from me.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 02:47:32

The end, sounding a bit dodgy is enough for me. He is nice but people never stop surprising you. I feel very badly let down and enough to say goodbye.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 02:59:16

I am completely devastated that someone I trusted turned to another woman for intimacy. I am hurt beyond belief. I suppose I am going to hold my head up high!

Castlemilk Sun 10-Aug-14 03:03:34

OP I agree with you.

He said he'd tell you. Because it was her, not in spite of it being her. That's the whole point.

I think it is pretty disingenous to try and couch it as 'oh well people can have intimate conversations with anyone' - it's NOT anyone. That's the point.

If he'd told you immediately, but had still chosen to conduct an intimate conversation with her, I'd still be out of the relationship.

When you know where to hit someone so it hurts, choosing to hit that spot is NEVER a neutral, ok decision.

GarlicAugustus Sun 10-Aug-14 03:08:52

Oh, dear, I do feel for you sad

At the beginning of your thread, I thought you might be jumping the gun a bit. He has told you they've been talking, he didn't go back to her last year, you say everything's good between you ...

But I would feel the same as you. I assume that "We've been talking" doesn't mean they bumped into each other in Sainsbury's one Saturday and went for a catch-up coffee. I assume he means there is some sort of ongoing conversation that's already lasted four weeks, which he chose not to tell you about. That's quite a big intrusion into your relationship. He carried on this significant conversation while cutting you out. He chose to carry on cutting you out of it, every time after the first time, until yesterday. In your shoes I'd be devastated, because it means he prioritised this over your trust in him.

It's up to you what attitude to take after you've calmed down & talked some more - I'm just letting you know I'm standing side by side with you on this one!

GarlicAugustus Sun 10-Aug-14 03:10:28

When you know where to hit someone so it hurts, choosing to hit that spot is NEVER a neutral, ok decision.

Well put, Castle sad

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 03:31:36

Castle, thank you so much for posting. It is precisely as you have said. I 100% thought that our relationship was sacrosanct. He had a very intimate conversation with her and withheld it from me. It happened before we went on what I thought was the best holiday we ever had. I now know he was being intimate with someone else. Telling me four weeks later just hurt me further.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 07:45:18

Garlic, yep I dare say that there has been some conversation going on for the past four weeks whilst I was on a great holiday with someone who was lying to me. There won't be any further conversation with him. I have honestly never been so surprised in my whole life (late 40's) and truly believed he had my back. My world has been rocked completely. He completely prioritised her behind my back. I am absolutely floored. I am going to have to get out of bed today and try my best to put on a brave face. I am absolutely devastated. I honestly thought he loved me.

Quitelikely Sun 10-Aug-14 07:52:27

Well you know what. If he goes back to her he will get the same as what he did before. He wasn't enough for her then and he won't be now. Has he tried to contact you to apologise? Can you see his phone bill for last month?

I smell a rat tbh.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 07:57:34

Garlic, he hit the exact spot. In the early days I knew she contacted him and he told me that he wanted me and promised that he would tell me if she contacted him. This lie has gone on for four weeks, that I know of, and in the last 2 years I have been walking around thinking that he loved me. I feel like a complete idiot. My heart is broken. I am going to have to get out of bed today and somehow summon up the courage to put on a face to my teenage DC, go to work tomorrow, do all the stuff I need to do whilst feeling like I have been completely shafted by the person I thought was the closest person to me, who really loved me.

About 17 years ago I went through a shit marriage but at least I recognised that he was a dickhead who only cared for himself. I genuinely thought that my partner loved me and would not be having intimate dealings with anyone else. I am totally devastated.

tisrainingagain Sun 10-Aug-14 08:00:20

Hi Pat45,

He told me tonight that he had a quite a friendly and even intimate conversation that happened 4 weeks ago that has totally devastated me has your partner told you what they discussed? I think everything hinges on this and how your partner feels about their conversation. I don't think it necessarily means that your partner wants to go back to her at all.

I think that if your relationship is a good one it is more than worth discussing this issue (and how it makes both of you feel) with him calmly and not throwing away all your happiness.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Sun 10-Aug-14 08:02:20

I imagine that you never felt he was "over" her and always threatened that he'd return to her. Hence the need to set the rule of him admitting their reconnection if and when it happened.
But whether he told you immediately or later on, I suspect your reaction would have been the same.
Its about her really not when he told you, alright you'd have wanted to know immediately but the problem is her.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 08:05:52

Quite, I know if he goes back it will be the same as before and good luck to them. He hasn't tried to contact me but I am not surprised because I hit the roof and the text messages I have sent him since are scary. He told me the situation at about half 12 last night and I kicked him out of my house. I won't even bother trawling through phone records because I know already that he contacted her and had cosy chats and that is enough. I feel so fragile and I don't even know who he is now. He had suddenly become a stranger.

Quitelikely Sun 10-Aug-14 08:08:50

Did you ask him why why why he needs to chat to her? What is so important?

Quitelikely Sun 10-Aug-14 08:10:03

Plus the witch know he has a gf. Just shows what type of person she is. She should have been staying well away. Sounds like he's her play thing. Picks him up when she wants and puts him down when she's done.

Pat45 Sun 10-Aug-14 08:16:20

Tis, he told me he doesn't want to go back to her but there won't be any calm discussions because he has lied to me about something I was sensitive about. I knew she wanted him back and over the last two years we have discussed it and he promised me he would tell me if she contacted him. To be truthful, I always knew she wanted him back.

Flap, you are dead right its not about when he told me, it has always been about her. She didn't want it to end and I met him 7 weeks after they split up. That always made me uneasy. He is a very loving person or else he has just been fucking me about to make his life easy. I just feel like I have been taken for a ride for the last two years.

I did take it slowly in the early days but I seriously should have known better. I don't think I have the energy to go through this crap at 48 years of age.

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