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i am upset and venting sorry (maybe sensitive abuse related)

(19 Posts)
soyouwontnoitsme Sun 10-Aug-14 00:17:33

Sorry it may be a long one I have name changed so this isn't connected to my usual name.

So DH and I went out for the evening with PILs and DHs aunt who is more like a sister to him. We went to a local restaurant and we had our food when two old 'friends' turn up who I shall call Bob and Lisa.

Bob was DHs best friend in secondary school but when DH got married and started to settle down he and Bob drifted apart. Bob didn't like me very much as he thinks it was my fault that DH started to settle down. (Which I suppose in a way it was) Bob and DH haven't spoken for a couple of years as Bob moved away with Lisa.

Lisa was my best friend in secondary school until I had my DCs. She got me through some tough times during my teens and we were close however as soon as I became pregnant she stopped talking to me then when I announced my DCs godparents she got upset with me because she wasn't one of them. I haven't spoken to her for about 6 years.

Bob and Lisa met through me and DH and have been together for about 10 years. From what other friends and family have told me since moving two years ago they have begun taking drugs and have quit their jobs.
Although me and DH aren't in contact with them DHs aunt is still friendly with them.

So we have our food and we see them and DHs aunt invites them to talk to us.They ignored us at first despite us saying hello they just kept talking to aunt. They were obviously a bit tipsy so we talked amongst ourselves and left them to it.

Then Lisa turned and looked at our food and said oh look at "soyou"s choice of food I guess that's why you put on weight. I just looked at her and aunt said oh no "soyou" is pregnant with twins. Lisa laughed and said oh great more short kids in the world then she and Bob laughed. I ignored them as did everyone else at the table.
Then Bob asked DH why he was put and before DH could answer he said oh I bet she only let you come because she was invited. He told him not to be an idiot and pointed out that his parents were here.
So they continued talking to aunt and we finished our meal and FIL ordered dessert and Bob and Lisa got a table next to us so they could talk to aunt and get their food.

Then as we were talk Lisa got up to go to the toilet and on the way past she said to DH I am surprised you want more DCs with "soyou" with all her mental health issues she must be a liability. (I had depression and anxiety as a teen) PILs were obviously embarrassed and I don't know how much DH has told them about my issues but PILs have never talked about it with me.
DH said that was enough now and she needed to back off. Bob then came to the table and told DH not to be rude to Lisa or he would start telling everyone "the truth" PILs tried to call the waiting staff over and Bob said that he would sit back down. But as he did he said VERY loudly well we all know that her dad used to touch her up as a kid so it's not a secret.
(Only DH and Lisa know about this so it is a secret) I just got up and went to leave and as I did Bob started laughing so DH punched him.

Then the staff called the police and we had to wait and they took statements and everyone was looking at us. Then aunt started getting getting upset saying that it was my fault for being oversensitive and I am responsible if DH has to go to prison for this. PILs barely spoke to us.

We got home and DH was upset for me and because he hit someone and it may effect his job then he fell asleep and I am still awake thinking about it and I don't want to wake DH just so he can worry but I feel really lonely so I am venting here to calm me down a bit.

DrunkenWhore Sun 10-Aug-14 00:31:00

I'm so sorry, sorry for what happened to you as a child and sorry you were treated so awfully by those vile people.

I don't know what will happen with your DH and the police, but if he wasn't arrested then it's hopefully a good sign.

What absolutely disgusting people these former friends are. Just be glad they're no longer a part of your life.
Your DH's aunt was out of order for blaming you, she owes you an apology. As for PIL, just hold your head high next time you see them. Hopefully if they're decent people they will be supportive.

Have you had any form of therapy for what you went through as a child? If not, maybe look into getting some?

BunnyPotter Sun 10-Aug-14 00:33:13

Soyou - they sound awful. I'm sorry they said your secret, especially given what it was. Could it be that your PILs were probably shocked, as any normal person would be, which is why they didn't say anything? Lisa and Bob showed themselves up, not you - I mean, what sort of person would do something like that?

I hope your DH doesn't have any problems with his work because of this. Fair play to him though, I'd have wanted to punch them too!!

soyouwontnoitsme Sun 10-Aug-14 00:33:17

Thanks I have had therapy and it really helped but then stuff like this happens and it takes me back there again.

FlossyMoo Sun 10-Aug-14 00:35:55

Oh OP I'm so sorry all of that happened.

I don't advocate violence however I can see why your DH reacted the way he did and mine would have done the same.

I maybe wrong but I think unless your DH has any other convictions for violence he may get just a caution or nothing at all given the circumstances.

Your PIL just sound a bit shocked I think hence their silence and the aunt is blaming you and being defensive as it was partly her fault they over stayed their welcome which resulted in the fight.

I think you and DH need to sit down with his parents and have a chat. They may not know what to say to you for fear of upsetting you. If you have a good relationship with them and feel like you can then tell them a limited details account of what happened then do so.

Regarding the aunt just tell her the only people at fault were the two rude fuckers who barged in on your evening. You owe her no further explanation and defiantly no apology.

RJnomore Sun 10-Aug-14 00:37:55

Oh my love.

What your DH did punching him was illegal. But sometimes, rarely, the illegal thing is the right thing and I would like to buy that man a drink.

You need to please focus on what you have, your lovely life, DH, twins. They sound like they have lost everything. Whatever happens with your DH I promise you can get through it together, and you need to put these two out of your mind.

It might help to talk to your pil or have your DH explain though, I am sure they will be on your side.

soyouwontnoitsme Sun 10-Aug-14 00:51:22

I will have to talk to PILs not that I really want to but I suppose now it is inevitable.

botanicbaby Sun 10-Aug-14 00:59:52

sorry but what the aunt said is awful - it is absolutely NOT your fault for being 'oversensitive' or that your 'DH will go to prison over this'.

I don't blame your DH for punching him at all, what an absolutely nasty piece of work, you are well rid of these so-called 'friends'. You owe the aunt nothing and nor should you apologise to anyone. What despicable people.
Your DH sounds great, glad you have someone like that. I'd have wanted to punch them too! They are not worthy of your time.

You have your DH, your DC and twins on the way. That sounds amazing! Please don't feel lonely, you are not alone.

RJnomore Sun 10-Aug-14 01:20:49

I'm prepared to accept aunt didn't think it was true and theybw lying,

You don't need to talk to pil DH can do it,

I can't get over what awful people the ex friends are though sad

Castlemilk Sun 10-Aug-14 02:59:08

You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to!

They acted absolutely despicably. What a pair of utter scrotes. Wow, seeing you guys happy and expecting your lovely babies REALLY got under their skins, didn't it?! Wonder why both of them feel so inadequate around you both? Who cares, though, really. They're dogshit, the pair of them.

Look, it will be quite obvious to PIL once they think it over that these guys were picking for a fight. So it's not an amazing jump from there to the thought that whatever they said, it was simply stuff to upset you, just the same as 'more short kids in the world' and all that. So you talk to DH, and say that you do not want to do any more than indicate to PIL that they were trying their best to wind you up, that they both dislike you and similar stuff has happened before - them saying nasty disgusting things to you in order to try and pick fights. You're just sorry that this time DH reacted - probably because he hated seeing you attacked while pregnant. At no point do you do anything other than comment that they've said all sorts of untrue, nasty stuff about you both many times. You don't need to discuss ANY issues with your PIL.

What you do need to do, though, is make it clear to the aunt that these people are real scum and that she would now do well to keep a distance. She's seen them in action. Tell her about how they've treated you in the past, fallen out with you, and apparently they're now taking drugs too. So if she wants to side with people like that - 'oversensitive?!' above her own family, she'd better think it through before she suddnely finds herslef seeing a lot less of two lovely twins than she thought she might. Make that clear to PIL as well...

43percentburnt Sun 10-Aug-14 06:31:23

What horrid people. Poisonous in fact. I really hope the police let your dh off considering what he said.

Just be really glad that you dont have these people in your life. They were your best friends in school, so presumably once were good, decent people. What made them so vile? Not expecting you to answer that.

Be glad that you are no longer friends. As castle said, tell everyone that they are malicious etc. pil should be aware of that following the nasty comment about short people and the one about mental health. Say dh couldn't stand more insults from them about his dw and his unborn babies.

Good luck with the twins! Xx

Quitelikely Sun 10-Aug-14 07:46:53

Are these people effing crazy! Where do they get off saying things like that to you and the aunt is a nut case too!

I can categorically state you did nothing wrong your dh was put in a terrible situation by terrible people. He felt backed into a corner and reacted. He was protecting you.

I'm disgusted on your behalf.

Bob and Lisa sound like jealous people and its good they're out of your life.

You can't just go around saying what they did in public.

I'm so sorry you had that experience growing up but do not let these people push you back. Just march on with your lovely dp and good luck with your babies

AngelinaCongleton Sun 10-Aug-14 07:59:44

I am so sorry this happened. Your ex friends sound totally vile. I hope there are no repercussions for your husband and your pil react appropriately. Absolutely none of this is your fault. But hold your head high- it sounds as if you are making a great life for yourself.

soyouwontnoitsme Sun 10-Aug-14 10:41:47

Thank you all
Feel a bit better now that the DCs are awake as they are keeping us busy.
We haven't really talked about anything yet though. I may send DH to PILs tonight to test the water and see how they are.
I can tell DH is really worried about the police though and I am really worried for him.

notapizzaeater Sun 10-Aug-14 10:47:15

What horrible people confused

Good in your DH for standing up for you. I agree the aunty needs to apologise - how would she have liked it if someone had aired something like that about her.

Nomama Sun 10-Aug-14 10:49:02

There won't be many repercussions, soyou. DH will explain to the police why he lashed out, he will be given a caution and other bloke a quiet talking to.

That will be it. No prison. Calm down, and concentrate on DH talking to PILs and explaining the situation as simply as possible. They need to back him with his aunt, who needs a bit of a reality check. But none of that has anything to do with you - she is his problem.

magoria Sun 10-Aug-14 13:11:19

DH's aunt is a vile shit.

You getting up and leaving was dignified in the face of a vicious nasty bastard. You did not make DH do what he did and bloody good on him. I hope there are no repercussions.

Your PIL will have seen and heard everything
If they chose the aunts route they are as vile as her.

You don't owe them any thing or any conversation or explanation unless you want to.

I hope your ex friends crawl back under the rock they came from.


soyouwontnoitsme Sun 10-Aug-14 20:36:32

DH has been cautioned
He has now gone to PILs to see them and see how they are feeling.

Notexactlymarthastewart Mon 11-Aug-14 19:34:35

Hi soyou
How did it go with PILs??

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