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We are horrible to eachother

(5 Posts)
Sureimgrand Sat 09-Aug-14 21:42:15

I'm married for 7 years. It's been alright but slowly over time it's becoming stale and almost as if we resent each other.
We have two children. We do love each other. There is the odd very occasional glimmer of love and affection and I would be very upset if we separated. I think he would too.
We probably need councilling. Can anyone that was in the same boat tell me if that sort of thing can be fixed with councilling or even how to fix things without.
My husband has gone to his parents tonight, things got unbearable. He was annoyed with our eldest this morning for numerous naughty reasons and wound up. we had no plans today to go anywhere and I think he was bored and easily agitated. He went out for a while as he said he wanted a break. When he came back I asked if he was ok and he just said I'm fine yeah, in a accusing kind of way. Sorry, this sounds so ridiculous written down. But that's the way it is all the time lately. So I asked why he answered me like that, I was only asking how he was, and he said, because he knew I was going to give out to him.
Sigh. I wasn't. He expects me to all the time and I don't. He gets defensive at the most ridiculous things. It's like he always thinks the worst or I have an ulterior motive. And I don't.
How do we try being nice to each other again?
Of course, there's two sides to everything and he would probably say I'm in the wrong and he said tonight he gets defensive because I attack him. But I really don't.

Notexactlymarthastewart Sun 10-Aug-14 10:08:09

Just wanted to give your post a wee bump up.

Yes, I think maybe you should talk about going to Relate or somewhere for some counselling so you can try and address the communication issues you both have, otherwise this will fester into something even worse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Aug-14 12:52:31

The pair of you need to find a calm and neutral place to talk. Diarise it if necessary. I say 'neutral' because I think that your home environment is not the place for the conversation. It's too easy to follow well-worn behavioural tracks and go off in a huff to Mums or whatever. (Where is it he goes when he needs a break? Do you know?)

When you get that chance to talk I think what you say is that a) you're worried that you don't talk kindly to each other b) you need his cooperation in fixing that through relationship counselling (or similar) and c) if it can't be fixed there's no future in the relationship.

If he genuinely loves you and is committed to the relationship, he'll listen and cooperate. If he dismisses the conversation as rubbish, if there is more getting 'defensive' (and I read that as 'he doesn't accept any responsibility'), agitation or disappearing for the night, then you have to follow through with c)

You say this has happened slowly. How old were you both when you met? How long were you together before getting married? At what point did the DCs arrive? Can you point to a time when things were happy at home and did it coincide with any significant event?

Sureimgrand Sun 10-Aug-14 19:34:14

Yes that makes sense. It's only the second time that he's stormed off for the night. He definitely it did go there and took eldest dc with him.
Dc are 4 and 1.
Together over 10 years, married 7.
To be honest we've found parenting tough from first dc on was very needy baby and still is very tough work. 2nd is a breeze in comparison but the first year of beingpparents brought out the worst in us. And I don't think thing have ever been properly fixed since.
Neutral ground is needed, I think, away from children andinterruptions. We haven't had a evening away from them since dc2 born. Think he may feel neglected to and it's coming across as his own resentment and frustration.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Aug-14 21:16:46

Small children are what they are and 'feeling neglected' is not an excuse to crash about like a bear with a sore head making life unpleasant.... applies to either of you, of course. What's to be gained from storming off? Why doesn't his mother turn him right back around and tell him to grow up? hmm

Babies are generally 'needy', children are hard work and making time for each other to be a couple is a two man job. i.e. he has to take on a fair share of the responsibility and it not be left to you to make all the effort.

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