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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Very flaky friend. Time to ditch her?

21 replies

doleena · 09/08/2014 20:51

We have been friends for several years, but she's just so flaky! I get the impression that she makes several plans and then goes with the best offer and decides on the day. We were meant to be meeting up last Wednesday with our DCs, but she sent me a text right at the time we were meant to be meeting to say they couldn't make it as her DCs were tired. By this time, my DCs and I were at the meeting place, and I had to go ahead with the plans as my children were excited, but the plans had been initiated by my friend, as had the time we were meeting, and we had purposely got up early to meet her.

Another time she asked if my DC and I wanted to meet her and her DC in town for lunch. She arrived slightly earlier than I did, and sent me a text saying that the place we were meeting for lunch was full. I text back that I would be there in 2 minutes. When I arrived she'd gone! I phoned her and she and her children were already in their car driving out of the car park! There were loads of other places we could have gone to eat or for a quick coffee!

It makes me really cross as she makes plans with other people and is always tagged on Facebook at various places with various friends, but I'd say over 75% of the time if she is meeting me she cancels, usually on the day itself and usually with a lame excuse. She has suggested meeting again this week but I know she will cancel again, as she always does. I've told her that I'm unsure what I'm doing this week but that I'll get back to her. I'm tempted to just not get back to her! There seems very little point in spending time organising things, getting up early in the summer holidays, rushing to get somewhere, and then for her to cancel again.

I'm thinking it's probably time to ditch her and stop making plans with her?

OP posts:

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2014 20:56

Don't get back to her. You're not of any importance to her at all, as she has proven more than once and she's not a friend either. Friends don't behave like that.

MadeMan · 09/08/2014 20:59

Ditch the flakes in your life, unless it's with a 99 ice cream.

Iflyaway · 09/08/2014 21:10

Yes, ditch her but not without telling why you are not impressed with her time-keeping habits.

Then either she straightens out or you won, t have to deal with another rubbish suggestion to meet up.

You, ll feel better being straight with her (instead of fuming under the collar) but also a good lesson for your kids that you also have to deal with the unpleasant situations in life...

Just ignoring her is doing neither of you a favour. (bet you, re not the only one she treats so badly).

MaryWestmacott · 09/08/2014 21:22

To be honest, it sounds like you're a 'filler' friend - someone to spend time with when shes got some time to fill with no better offer. So just be 'busy'.

hmc · 09/08/2014 21:25

She's not really worth the effort is she!

doleena · 09/08/2014 21:26

Thank you everyone!

MaryWest, I have been thinking the same thing. I have a feeling that the day when she drove off after getting to the cafe she'd had a call from someone else and decided to just dump me and go and meet them.

Very irritating!

Iflyaway, I don't know whether I can really be bothered to speak to her about it if I'm honest. I think I would prefer to just let things drift.

OP posts:

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/08/2014 21:29

So blatently rude to keep walking out on you when she's arranged to meet you. I wouldn't describe that as flaky, it is far, far worse. Flakiness can be due to illness not yet diagnosed or family problems not yet acknowledged. This is not so easy to explain, not from a friend.

I'd give her one more chance, but change the perimeters. Invite her along to something your and DCs are going to anyway and that doesn't mean getting up early or spending lots on food out or dealing with crowds. Have a great time whether she turns up or not.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/08/2014 21:29

So blatently rude to keep walking out on you when she's arranged to meet you. I wouldn't describe that as flaky, it is far, far worse. Flakiness can be due to illness not yet diagnosed or family problems not yet acknowledged. This is not so easy to explain, not from a friend.

I'd give her one more chance, but change the perimeters. Invite her along to something your and DCs are going to anyway and that doesn't mean getting up early or spending lots on food out or dealing with crowds. Have a great time whether she turns up or not.

MaryWestmacott · 09/08/2014 22:07

The problem with yegods suggestion is if the focus of the day isn't spending time with you, you won't know if she's making the effort because she wants to see you or because she/her dcs want to do that activity/have that day out.

Light and breezy "gosh so busy right now, but yes, we've not caught up for ages!" And just never make those plans.

You might conversely find she respects your time more if it was hard to get to see you, if you are always available, then it doesn't matter if she cancels you to do x, because she can see you next week, and x can only be now. If it's been a hassle to find a time you can do, then either she'll dump you (a filler friend needs to be available to fill empty time!) or she'll start valuing time with you more highly.

amyhamster · 09/08/2014 22:12

I'd put money on the first scenario that she was never there in the first place

doleena · 09/08/2014 22:17

Yes it'll be interesting to see if she tries harder to meet up with me when I keep turning her down.

OP posts:

allisgood1 · 09/08/2014 22:17

She's not a best friend. Best friends don't do this shit. Ditch and move on.

Deelish75 · 10/08/2014 07:01

Next time she rings to arrange, tell her you need to check diary and get back to her, just don't get back to her. If you do arrange, then pull out at last minute yourself.

Make her see that she's not that important to you. She'll either change her ways or you will lose contact. Either way at least you'll know.

cailindana · 10/08/2014 07:05

Gosh you're a very calm person. If someone ditched me right at the last minute like that I would absolutely rip their head off!

How are you not fuming?

Walkacrossthesand · 10/08/2014 07:17

Looking back, how many times have you been through the loop of 'make plans - flaky 'friend' cancels', compared to 'make plans - event happens'?

If she truly 'always' cancels, then it's definitely time to stop making any plans with her at all - be busy, don't get back to her, etc etc, and if (unlikely) she comments on 'you're never free these days' then have the response ready 'well, I noticed that I couldnt remember the last time you hadn't cancelled on me, so there's no point making plans is there? (Smile sweetly).

If it's only sometimes that she cancels, then shifting focus to 'her joining what you're doing but set it up so it doesn't matter if she doesn't turn up' - while looking out for a shift to scenario (a) - seems reasonable.

Two quotes come to mind - 'fooled me once, shame on you; fooled me twice, shame on me!' And - never make someone a priority, if to them you are just an option. Good luck!

jetSTAR · 10/08/2014 07:25

never make someone a priority, if to them you are just an option

Totally agree with this!
One last thought, is it possible this friend has mental health problems which could explain the behaviour?

winkywinkola · 10/08/2014 07:32

She's not flaky. She's 1000% rude, showing you utter disrespect like this.

You won't be the only one of her circle of friends acting as a 'filler'.

Just don't make any more arrangements with her. If you do then you can't complain if she behave this way again.

Roonerspism · 10/08/2014 07:34

I must be very intolerant

She is extremely rude. Unless she has some MH issues I would ditch now.

I would not want to be friends with someone so cavalier with other people's time. So arrogant!

thicketofstars · 10/08/2014 11:10

The next time it happens, I would call her and explain what the consequences were for you all - disappointment, tiredness etc.. And tell her you that you don't appreciate being put in that position.

I suspect she will decide you're hard work and stop wanting to meet. And you will have had your 'say' and given her a chance to change. Win win!

In the unlikely event that she carries on in the same fashion, you could then tell her that you've had enough of her thoughtless actions and go find some nicer friends.

Lovingfreedom · 10/08/2014 11:14

Move on...she's wasting your time.

scarletforya · 10/08/2014 11:20

You should have ditched her long before this Op. One or two instances of that would be unacceptable. She's taking the piss.

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