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Genuine or not?

(66 Posts)
scottybeammeup Sat 09-Aug-14 18:57:50

I would like some perspective on this please. I separated from my h almost 2 years ago and recently decided to give online dating a go. I met a couple of guys I didn’t really click with but were good for my confidence and then I met someone who I liked, had the chemistry with etc. Things were going really well but I am concerned as it seems like he is pushing and moving too fast. He told me he loved me within about a week.... he texts me really intense message about how I am his life now.... everything he does he does for me.... he pushed to meet my children and against my better judgement I introduced them, all be it as a friend although my dd who is 7 seems to understand that he is my bf although I don’t think she quite gets what that means!
I keep trying to get him to slow down but he is already talking about when we live together – he constantly refers to us being a family together. I have an ok relationship with my ex – we are courteous and civil to one another for the sake of the children and can even be quite friendly but my bf is always saying what a shit Dad he is etc. He isn’t great, and I get to slag him off but feel annoyed when its done by someone who doesn’t even know him!
The latest is that he keeps referring to my youngest by his nickname/pet name that I have for him. Its really irritating me as its personal and only I call him it. Am I being petty?
We are both in our mid/late 40’s so not kids. We both own our own properties although I have considerably more equity than he does and his conversations always involve him selling his home and moving into mine which I am just not comfortable with. On paper he seems perfect – he has a good job, has his own children every other weekend, and seems on good terms with his family and both ex-wives.
What do you think? Is he too good to be true and fallen for me madly, or should I run? I am getting increasingly bad vibes but not sure if I am just being paranoid and would appreciate some advise.

Squidstirfry Sat 09-Aug-14 19:00:35

Run like the wind he sounds pushy demanding and unstable.

MostWicked Sat 09-Aug-14 19:02:36

Have you actually told him he is moving to fast for you and please slow down a bit?

herald Sat 09-Aug-14 19:02:38

I am at the same stage as you with a lady I am dating, we have dated for about 4 months and have never had any of the deep future conversations you are having.

It does sound like you are uncomfortable with the speed of the relationship and to be honest so would I , maybe it would be good to tell him to slow down a bit while you get to know each other.

Squidstirfry Sat 09-Aug-14 19:02:53

Declaring true love so soon and pushing you in other ways when you are not ready is a sign of controlling behaviour. He is already trying to turn u against your ex he will b slagging off your best mate next.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 09-Aug-14 19:03:33

Just reading that makes me feel worried. Exactly how long have you been seeing him? Not that that really matters when your spidey senses are screaming loudly in your ears. Listen to them!

CherryEarrings Sat 09-Aug-14 19:06:37

Be very wary OP, tell him to back off a bit, if he can't or won't, you have a problem. Don't let him move in by stealth.

spanna41 Sat 09-Aug-14 19:22:52

Run for the hills....2 x-wives, calling your DS by your pet name for him, wanting to move in so soon, declaring his love within a week of meeting, introducing your DC before you really wanted to......Go with your gut instinct and I think you know what that is.....

PlantsAndFlowers Sat 09-Aug-14 19:26:35


EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 09-Aug-14 19:36:26

No, not genuine at all. Men like this often have narcissistic traits; they want a woman to reflect glory at them for them to bask in so amp up the intense love shit to get a similar response back. Pushing to be involved in your kids' lives just means he's into using your kids for the same purpose. Always, always be wary of men who move too fast, don't respect your boundaries and tell you they love you before they could possibly know you well enough to love you. It's all about them and their needs, not you at all.

NamesNick Sat 09-Aug-14 19:42:34

trust your instinct.
you would not have asked this question if you thought he was genuine.
something fishy there

pictish Sat 09-Aug-14 19:46:30

Too much too soon.
Have you told him how you feel? I mean surely you don't just sit back and let this guy consume your life and move into your home without any input!

Frogisatwat Sat 09-Aug-14 19:49:52

Gosh. End it. He is bloody scary.

flatbellyfella Sat 09-Aug-14 19:53:13

Very scary man you have there. Way Way too pushy.

tiddleypompom Sat 09-Aug-14 19:54:48

I'd be very uneasy too. Trust your instincts - there are quite a few examples of him crossing boundaries & he's made you feel uncomfortable. Personally the example regarding your son's 'pet' name would be enough for me to finish the relationship. A man with any level of sensitivity & regard for personal space & appropriate behaviour would IMO not have even considered using it at this early stage in your relationship. He'll only get worse - get out now whilst you are able without greater ramifications.

wyrdyBird Sat 09-Aug-14 20:01:18

You're getting bad vibes. So am I. He is using over intense (and fake sounding) language, pushing the pace, and declaring love when he doesn't know you at all. He is also creating closeness with your children, by using a pet name he hasn't been invited to use.

Don't dismiss your unease.

CalamityKate1 Sat 09-Aug-14 20:04:41

Whoa. I'm feeling uneasy and panicked just reading that.

Tell him how you feel. If he's genuine he'll understand and back right off. If he doesn't - run.

Meerka Sat 09-Aug-14 20:06:26


FunkyBoldRibena Sat 09-Aug-14 20:06:29

You don't need anything other than your own judgement - if you are not comfortable then you can end it.

freyaW2014 Sat 09-Aug-14 20:09:47

Run like the wind

SolidGoldBrass Sat 09-Aug-14 20:09:51

Bin him, cut all contact and be ready to involve the police if he doesn't go away. This is classic controlling, abusive behaviour.
You can tell your DC that you found out this new 'friend' wasn't very nice, so you are not going to have anything more to do with him.
Remember, you do not owe him a relationship, or a detailed explanation of why you are dumping him - 'This isn't working for me, have a nice life, goodbye' is entirely adequate.

Minion100 Sat 09-Aug-14 20:23:59

Smacks of someone wanting to give love without any interest in who they give it to?

Minion100 Sat 09-Aug-14 20:25:05

The petname thing alone would have me running

Pinkballoon Sat 09-Aug-14 20:27:40

Have you visited his home and seen proof that he owns it? Have you met his 2 ex wives? Have you met his children from both marriages? Have you seen him with them at weekends? Otherwise, do you have any proof that everything he says is true? How long have you been with him?

RedCountryRoads Sat 09-Aug-14 20:38:43

My abusive ex started off like this. He overwhelmed me and isolated me so all I had was him. He'd slag off everyone in my life and when family and friends complained that they never saw me or that I'd changed (i went from confident to a nervous wreck) He'd say that "no one understands our love"
He sounds just like my ex. He will make it difficult and maybe frightening if you split up. (Mine stalked me) But it could save you years of pain.
Go with your gut.

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