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Very odd comment to make, whilst in the moment, this has put me off him!(72 Posts)
Hi, i have just recently starting seeing someone over the last month and things seem to be going well. Great job, secure, makes me laugh, similar interests/hobbies outside of work, but have complete opposite personalities he is definitely the more logical/analytical and he calls me the more dreamy/floaty one when really that may just be my femininity coming out and creativity, whilst with him, he is such a mans's man which is the attraction I had for him at the start. He even said we have loads in common but we are so different, which is 100% true.
Our first date was great, talked all night, banter, met up and had dinner, he told me he has been married before, 5 years in total and she left him when he found out about 3 men she was texting in the end and ended up going out with one of them afterwards, which she deliberately set up for him to see on her phone. She was after children with him and he said he didn't at that time want any, which made her turn this way...Im not sure on the full story as its always different from two sides etc. but afterwards a few months later, she goes on to fall pregnant with one of his friends, (one of the 3 she was dating.)
So after this relationship, he hasn't met anyone since, that was 4 years ago and focused purely on his career and before his marriage nobody else.
He goes on to tell me he doesnt know his dad either, he left the family when his brother was born and since then he doesnt know who he is or where he is. He said thats why he feels he is so independent, but didn't want to elaborate on it anymore.
So we are still getting on well and end up going out the following Saturday night which we loved, we just laughed all night long and then met up again the following week, so things were going well until he comes over to mine.
We had dinner at mine that week and again very close, tactile and he is always so embarrassed around me giggling away but in a sweet way too. When we return to mine, we are in the kitchen and before we know it, are heading upstairs which felt right. However, halfway through he says to me "don't get bored of me sexually or me will you?" To which I get up and said, did you just ask me not to get bored of you sexually and you too? yes he said, it completely ruined the moment and had to go downstairs for some food and I asked him again why he mentioned that but he didn't want to talk about it and didn't say anything else. We then just carry on eating, a very awkward strange moment. However after that I wasn't sure what to say or do as never had anyone mention this to me before....ever!
There were some really nice compliments from him but many a times he would throw some very odd, quite the opposite comments my way which always got me thinking differently or felt I was overly sensitive either way I didn't like it.
.....later he starts making odd remarks around the home, to very cocky remarks saying "you know you are good-looking?" to which I didn't reply but this was when I said I found him very attractive. He was saying my house is very girly and I obviously love romance as there are a lot of heart shaped (one to be exact) ornaments in the room and a cushion that had a message, saying home is where the heart is....after this he was asking am I really romantic?. Clearly yes I can be very romantic but he, I have noticed always seems to observe literally everything about me...literally, so I start to feel uncomfortable again and he notices this and says, are you ok? I don't like not being able to relax around someone or feeling they are judging me. He has a very high powered job in banking and sometimes when we sit together as this has just proved it at my house, I am struggling to talk about things.
The conversation starts to dry up and he starts telling me about his boys weekends away, how they get totally wasted, with 2 days to recover and their bodies start to shake for 2 days from the alcohol, if he is trying to impress me, its not working so I say to him, is that meant to sound good because its not really my style. He just loves telling me these stories every now and again and Im starting to get bored of them.
His stories are always about his friends, their stag weekends, one of his friends matt getting drunk and winding up his girlfriend which this guy I'm seeing finds funny, to which i feel is immature. So after all this and thinking right had enough its boring me now, its time for you to go home.
He does and mentions it would be nice to meet again naked and feels our sexual compatibility is right up there and another tick for him to add to the list. Then tells me about his friends and their tick list's when they are away even though they have partners, again more so this so called friend matt and tells me they end up, going out with girls whom them met one night not long ago, its not even a story I want to hear on how his friend got these girls and pulled them. I am not looking amused and as he leaves he says, maybe I went too far there mentioning about my friends and should keep them to myself. I said yes and the rest.
When he gets home I receive a text saying, arrived home, really enjoyed your company, had a great time. i just replied, thank you for dinner, he asked if everything was ok?
I have yet to reply and don't want to see him again I feel somewhat weird, there were too many statements there that left me thinking am I dating a 39 year old child, lad, inconsiderate, arrogant boy? who loves his drink, his mates and his work too much....maybe?
shame as outside we have loads in common apart from his mates, his drinking which isn't my style and our jobs are very different, he is in banking I am a therapist and spend a lot of time writing and seeing people etc. i am not one for going out all the time nor drink heavily too and my parents are still together which has made me I feel more reserved in many ways.
I have been in mostly long term relationships over 10 years and I was wondering if his father leaving or his ex partner leaving, has made him the way he is, but I don't really want to spend time analysing it, but just felt weird with his comment in bed, which was totally unexpected?
thank you for reading, still feeling strange. If anyone can shed any thoughts on this, but just to elaborate I don't regret sleeping with him its more the rubbish he was coming out with whilst with him last night that has completely thrown me and made me go off him straight away.
You are not obliged to keep seeing him, so don't.
Was shocked that he's 39, he sounded much younger than that! I think there may be a fundamental in compatability between the two of you from what you have said so far. You could wait and see how it pans out but I think I'd have my guard up. He doesn't sound like great long term relationship material ( if that's what you are after)
Sorry if I'm missing the point, but which comment were you worried about?
Also, trust your instincts. Especially if you are a therapist as I assume you are fairly self aware?
thank you I know he is 39 but in my head he is acting a lot younger or is that just him.!
Spartak its the comment he made in the bedroom more than anything.
If he bores you now, he's not going to get any more interesting
You don't really need a reason to finish it, you know. Things not feeling right is reason enough.
If his comments have put you off him then end it.
I don't see a problem with what he's said, I don't believe in looking for red flags, more just enjoying the present and if it doesn't feel right at all then talk about it or end it.
It could have been nerves on his part, I don't see anything wrong in what he said about your home, he was just observing and making conversation.
Did I read it right that when he made a comment, you stopped having sex and got up and got some food for yourself? I may have interpreted that wrong but that seems a strange reaction to me. Some people say things they don't mean during sex.
He could turn out to be hard work but just let him go and stop analysing him.
Sounds like quite a few things wrong for one month in. Onwards and upwards. No idea what his comment about getting bored meant but he sounds weird.
Maybe he was just really nervous and blurted it out without really thinking about what he was saying?
I've blurted things out in the past when I've been lost in the moment, and would have been quite upset if whoever I was with had stopped and gone downstairs for some beans on toast.
It would put me off to ....as would his childish banter about 'Matt' and tick lists
The only thing that would worry me is the drinking. I wouldn't want to have a serious relationship with someone who exaggerates like he said he often does, but that is me.
You said conversation was always good, so maybe after your reaction re sex comment, he was embarrassed and you were so closed he couldn't come up with anything interesting to say?
I would also be aware of him not wanting to talk properly about stuff. I wouldn't waste time going out with someone if I couldn't be myself and talk honestly about my life so I expect the same. I was married with a crazy guy who wouldn't talk about stuff and guess what? He didn't care about the stuff I had to talk about either.
He asks you "You wont get bored of me sexually will you" This is to present himself as a bit insecure.
He has boys weekends away but because of his "insecurity" which he has already attempted to show you I bet he wouldn't like it later on in the relationship if you had a girls weekend away.
I think hes planting some seeds but they wont be flowers. I think they will be thorns.
Funny that you're hung up on this one comment that might not bother me, yet everything else you add is the stuff that makes me think - god he sounds awful!
You don't seem to like him much.
You say you have so much in common, but everything you say is the opposite.
I just read your whole post with a generalized feeling of "why are you seeing him?"
I think you're just feeling that flush of "someone like me" - and nothing more there for you than that.
Ewww, I don't like him at all OP. He's doing the "push pull thing". Just be glad you recognise what would probably turn into abusive before it has.
He does talk rubbish; and I don't believe the story about the ex, or the 4 years of single life while he focused on his career Sounds like stuff he's made up on the spot.
For this and many other reasons, dump and move on.
Insecure boy who proves his worth by earning a lot of money and keeping up with "the boys".
You're looking for a (life) partner, not a client.
IMO he is his "friend", has done exactly the same things or wishes he had.
Not a good start.
And based on your post, I wouldn't be surprised if he had been the cheater.
I'd just say trust your instincts. We often get stung because we override them.
You don't have to stay with him. You've just had a few dates.
My husband was cheated on so sometimes would say things like "you won't leave me?" it was him just needing reassurance. I think it's a similar thing.
He was feeling anxious and nervous and expressed that and ... well to be honest I think you reacted really badly. He then felt anxious about being so vulnerable to you and you reacting badly that he tried to "macho" it up and went too far the other way.
I don't think you're compatible at all. He's obviously still hurting and you're not able to give him what he needs.
He sounds annoying. It's his talk about weekends away and his friend's exploits that annoy me most, and a general air of not really respecting you. I don't think "dreamy/floaty" is a compliment at all, nor his little comments about your decorating. It sounds like he wants to fit you into the box of flighty little woman.
If you're not that into him a month in, don't continue it.
sykedelic what do you think would be the reaction if the OP felt anxious and nervous about his stag weekends etc and expressed that to him.
Im guessing that the reaction would be "you don't own him" etc which is true but he doesn't own her either.
"I am a therapist and spend a lot of time writing and seeing people etc."
He's not your client. You don't need to solve his problems.
Be glad he showed his true colours so nice and quickly. All that stuff about ticklists and basically telling you that he goes on boys' weekends where they cheat on their regular partners - just checking out your reaction to that so that he can cheat on you on these weekends. Yuk.
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