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Sensitive Subject, but is it worth my time dating a man who has Erectile disfuntion issues?

(64 Posts)
Vintagecrap Thu 07-Aug-14 23:20:09

Basically, as above

Ive been seeing him about a month. He made the moves on me, which now seems odd if he knew he had these issues. He has told me its a bit of a problem and it ' doesnt work properly' and he has seen a doctor, but that it will get better in time.
Except, ive just come home from his and he couldnt get it up at all.

He can still orgasm, in a semi flacid state ( through oral) and thats happened every time ive seen him, he had no problem saying to me ' get your mouth down there' today, but im not getting a bit frustrated.

This isnt the only issue, there are a few others, but i cant lie, its pretty much the main one. Im very highly sexed, quite adventurous, i cant see how i could go without sex to be with him, and when he has managed it, it only lasts for a few minutes, in the missionary position, then goes flacid again.

justiceofthePeas Thu 07-Aug-14 23:27:04

Does he do anything for you to ensure thst you have an orgasm?

It would be nice to think that if one really liked someone it would work but in reality at the start of an rs I don't think it will.

HumblePieMonster Thu 07-Aug-14 23:29:08

I don't like the sound of him. Why should you suck him off if he'snot doing anything for you?

HumblePieMonster Thu 07-Aug-14 23:29:49

that would be 'he's not', rather than 'hesnot'. though he might snot. he sounds pretty yukky overall.

newnamesamegame Thu 07-Aug-14 23:30:17

It depends what you want out of it but as you are clear that sex is near the top of the list I would think it could be problematic to say the least.

May seem a silly question but I presume he has not got anywhere with Viagra?

TheFillyjonk Thu 07-Aug-14 23:33:36

Erectile dysfunction is really hard for both partners.

I think you have to really like him to want to make the relationship work, particularly if sex is a big thing for you. Is he satisfying your own sexual needs?

My DP had erectile issues to begin with due to an autonomic dysfunction. We worked long and (ahem) hard on it. He had difficulty maintaining an erection more than anything. We tried Viagra, which seemed to have a psychological effect on him as he never had any problems after that. I think we also used Oxytocin spray, which may be a load of old codswallop but placebos definitely have their place.

Of course, I stuck it out with him because he was an AMAZING lover and always gave me at least four orgasms even if he couldn't get it up. He was also exciting, lovely, gorgeous and wonderful. If you don't feel like this guy is worth it, then leave it. I wouldn't tell him it's because of the ED though, that might knock him for good.

Tinks42 Thu 07-Aug-14 23:34:31

Its a dump him from me too here. It's ok for you to go down on him though ay! What a considerate kind man he is angry This man has big issues. I personally wouldn't even speak to him again. Block and delete.

BeforeAndAfter Thu 07-Aug-14 23:41:57

It's one thing when someone you've been with for years has a problem but when a new partner has a problem and admits it's longstanding I'd not stick around. My last partner had ED at the start. He assured me it had never happened before. I believed him and a couple of weeks later he was relaxed enough with me to be in full fighting form but I had an end date in my head in case he proved unable to rise to the occasion. I have no desire to fix someone - it's tough enough fixing my own problems.

Vintagecrap Thu 07-Aug-14 23:45:15

The first couple of times he returned the oral favour, but hasn't done for the last few times. He just uses his fingers, which is fine for foreplay but I'm not 15, it is in no way the same as having sex.

After he came he asked me what I wanted, I couldn't lie, so I said I had wanted to have sex with him.

It is very hard not to feel very rejected when a man can't even get it up with you. I think he lied when he said it would get better because it's getting worse. His last two relationships ended up like brother and sister and I feel that way after just a month.

He's also very shy in the bedroom and kind of awkward which just isn't me either.

I'll just have to tell him it's me or something. I know he really likes me and won't be expecting it but I can't do a rerun of tonight

Branleuse Thu 07-Aug-14 23:47:48

id cut your losses.

youre not obliged to overlook a huge issue like that

TheFillyjonk Thu 07-Aug-14 23:49:20

Sounds like you've made your decision, Vintagecrap. You two wouldn't have been sexually compatible even if he was able to get erect - he sounds selfish, disinterested and generally rubbish in bed. Well done for going after what you want!

Tinks42 Thu 07-Aug-14 23:51:07

This has absolutely nothing to do with you OP. See, he's even stopped doing oral, what does that tell you? I don't buy the "very shy" in the bedroom here either. You are rightly feeling unsatisfied, he has issues.

justiceofthePeas Thu 07-Aug-14 23:51:07

Bollocks to that vintage.
He has no problems asking you for oral but doesn't offer it. Selfish.

If he actually put in more effort there might be some hope that it would resolve over time but sounds like he is happy to get his and leave you wanting.

And yy it is hard not to take it as a personal rejection but it really isn't.

Vintagecrap Thu 07-Aug-14 23:58:47

Bit tmi but he got hard, by the time we has moved into a position to have sex he had lost it. It tried to stuff it in any way. Didn't work.
I was in a visually vulnerable position, and because it didn't work ended up feeling quite embarrassed, where as I wouldn't have done if we had had sex like that, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I had been having doubts as we don't generally seem compatible anyway now I've spent more time with him, this was his ' one last chance' date, though he didn't know that.

Vintagecrap Thu 07-Aug-14 23:59:36

Sorry, typing on my phone. Tons of weird autocorrect s in my posts.

Tinks42 Fri 08-Aug-14 00:19:19

You sound like a really lovely person here OP. Just don,t spend any more time trying to "help him", its not worth it.

Vintagecrap Fri 08-Aug-14 07:19:28

I'm not a believer in ' fixing people' more that you accept people for how they are, issues and all.
I can't deal with this, I was left feeling embarrassed, rejected and the uses by last night. Had to have a shower as I wanted to get his smell off me. That's not great.

I hate dumping people though.

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 08-Aug-14 07:26:30

Dumping them is better than staying with them!

Op, you'll be climbing the walls if you stay with this one.

RainbowTeapot Fri 08-Aug-14 07:32:01

I think ed problems can be worksd with. My partner has had at times but he's a considerate lover and we still have good sex (ive had to read a bit around it not being "me" though)

On your case he sounds a selfish idiot you're not attracted to.... so no need to keep seeing him at all!

Vintagecrap Fri 08-Aug-14 07:43:07

I think if you were in a long term relationship and it was a thing that happened ' at times' that would be fine.

But to have it from the start, to know I'd end up always feeling like I did last night, no, can't do it.

WildBillfemale Fri 08-Aug-14 08:01:26

I'd end it now. Just say you are not compatible. It's already an issue a month in.............

herald Fri 08-Aug-14 08:07:59

A mans view , you have only been seeing him for a month or so and already you are having problems with sex and selfish sex, I think you should cut your losses and move on. It won't get better it will only get worse and more difficult to deal with.

Deftones Fri 08-Aug-14 08:32:30

Another vote for cutting your losses. I went out with a guy who had ED, I accepted it for a while, but after 9 months I'd had enough and just didn't feel I could give anymore to him, he became selfish so that was that.

I hate dumping but it's better for both of you in the long run

Vintagecrap Fri 08-Aug-14 08:41:23

He's just text to say how nice last night was. It wasn't. I was bored. He had said how he doesn't really have much to say so last night I was quieter, and he was right, there was then no conversation.
All he wants to do is bloody stroke my face.
The sex left me feeling rejected, embarrassed and used.

Just creepy. He looked at my boobs and said, out loud 'yum' so weird. Then after failing to get hard told me to ' get your mouth down there'

I can't see him again, can't dump him for a few days as I don't want it to be obvious it's due to that and make things worse for him, but don't want to talk to him.

RainbowTeapot Fri 08-Aug-14 08:47:45

Definitely don't see him!

I think telling you to "get down there" and his selfish attitude is reason enough. There's no reason at all to be with him.

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