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Am I wasting my time with this man, please be honest

(55 Posts)
Crunchypeanut Wed 06-Aug-14 22:50:05

Been with my DP over 5 yrs, both of us divorced with children. Mine live with me, whilst his live with his ex but he sees them several times a week for an hr or so and the occ night over. Mine go to their dads every other weekend. I love my DP very much altho' he hasn't always treated me very well in the past. We don't live together and I feel very resentful that we have not naturally progressed because everything else comes first with him. When we first got together he was stony break and I helped him out financially with a car, flat deposit, guarantor, evenpaying the mortgage on his marital home as it was about to be repossessed and he didn't want his exwife and kids to be homeless. He did over several long yrs pay most of the money back but it was never his priority. He is still many thousands of pounds in debt but is repaying it through Stepchange. He can easily afford to do this as he retrained 5 yrs ago and is now in a very well paid job but even so by the time he pays his rent on his house, his debt, a very generous child maintenance payment , pub money and his golfing passion ( playing several times a week ) there is not a lot left. Whereas I own my own home , am mortgage free and have been careful and have savings( thro' sheer hard work, not luck! ). I know that if he gave up his rental home we could live a great life and build a great future together as we both earn decent money, whereas at the moment I seem to spend all my spare cash on maintaining a house whilst he justs spends his on himself. He loves being in my home , eating, using the power shower, big screen tele etc and we always entertain here as he prefers it and his own house is very basic and quite primitive. He is not at all generous with me and despite going on several golfing weekends a yr has never offered to take me anywhere even though I have pretty much fed him for the last five yrs with almost zero contribution from him whilst I always pay my way when we go out. In fact last yr I found out had been allowing me to feed him for yrs because he let me believe he was really struggling when in fact he was lying to me about how much he was giving his exwife. He was paying considerably more than he needed to and pretending to pay less. Very honourable but I felt really upset that I had been taken advantage of. I guess I just feel he has the best of both worlds but prioritises his ex wife over us. She just for the record has never been anything but truly unpleasant and I have always been expected to ' let it go' for his and his kids sake. We do talk about it and first it was his childrens feelings stopping him ( they are nice teenagers but very possessive over him and very vocal of their needs, the eldest however is very rude and mean to me). He also has a dog that lives with him, it was the kids pet puppy that the exwife insisted they couldn't keep, although they rarely bother with the dog much or helping out as DP works 12 hr shifts and the dog gets left alone in the house endlessly, he knows it's not fair on the dog but won't seriously consider rehoming as the kids would be upset. It is a staffie and has a real hatred for small furry things so even tho we have tried in the past her staying in my home my poor old cat is terrified and it's very stressful for everyone. The consequence of this is that DP is always rushing home last thing at night, first thing in morning to walk , feed dog and Inbetween his very long shifts I just feel I am forever waiting on him to be available. I know I am painting a bleak picture but my DP is very affectionate , tells me he loves me all the time . 6 months ago we split and I told him how frustrated I was and he went all out and worked very hard to get me back, with promises of the things he wouldchange and we would be living together. Six months on, still as loving as ever but he has not put one thing into action just lots of words and lame actions. I know I deserve better than this but I've invested so much love into him and I know he loves me,and is proud to be with me ,and we get on great, he just doesn't love me enough to committ to me. I feel sad that I'm not enough for him, just a trophy girlfriend. Thank you for reading,sorry it's a bit muddled.

Higheredserf Wed 06-Aug-14 22:56:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChangelingToday Wed 06-Aug-14 22:59:55

It's easy to say I love you, where are his actions? Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like he's using you for the financial benefits, sorry sad

Squidstirfry Wed 06-Aug-14 23:00:05

He is a bit of a user it seems. You've given him a ride on the gravy train and sorted him out, in return he lies to you and puts himself first.
I wouldn't give him a third chance! Mean it next time when u dump him!

Fmlgirl Wed 06-Aug-14 23:02:21

You're being taken for a ride. You deserve so much more

Darkesteyes Wed 06-Aug-14 23:07:24

Hes a financially abusive user.

And your poor cat.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 06-Aug-14 23:08:27

Op I'm sorry to say he is using you and by extension so is his ex wife. Wow what a set up he has, but the sad truth is you knew this already and wanted us to tell you.

Kick his lieing using arse to the kerb, pick up yourself respect and give it a good dusting off. You sound a lovely woman and he is basking in your sunshine without paying for his own passport.


CarryOnDancing Wed 06-Aug-14 23:12:20

You are right, you have out at lot into this relationship so I guess the question is-how much more are you willing to put it without seeing the benefit of the promises he has made?

wotoodoo Wed 06-Aug-14 23:13:34

Paragraphs! You need them!

He is USING you.

He is selfish, tightfisted and mean.

You have a fantasy image of him and your happily ever after. Your reality will never ever be a happily ever after and you can long for it all you like, you'll never be happy with him.

You sound lovely, kind and generous to a fault. Imagine if your partner had similar attributes. You would be so much happier.

You need to find someone who loves you and cares about you. Not someone who lies to you and treats your home like a hotel. He doesn't love you, he's lying and I think you know in your heart that he'd treat you well, cherish and respect you if he truly did love you.

He has no need to change his selfish ways because he knows you love him more than he loves you and so he doesn't have to make any sacrifices whatsoever.

Get some self respect back. Get him to repay every penny he owes you. Stop cooking or doing anything for him. Ask him nicely of course to take you out, go on holiday, etc. Then see how he reacts.

You will uncover his true character when you put your self respect first and give up pandering to him.

Good luck.

MillyDots Wed 06-Aug-14 23:19:05

Does he still have feelings for his ex wife? Did she dump him? It sounds like he is not willing to let go of his old life .

Tinks42 Wed 06-Aug-14 23:23:20

Blimey OP, he's got it all hasn't he. Do you wipe his bottom for him? Sorry to be so harsh here but wake up, read what you just wrote in your post and tell him to go find another mug to free load off.

Viviennemary Wed 06-Aug-14 23:24:40

I agree that he is using you. The set up is ideal for him so he's not in a hurry to change it. If you're not happy tell him to go away and come back when he is prepared to commit himself to building a life together with you. That's if you think you really want that.

43percentburnt Wed 06-Aug-14 23:26:40

He is mean. He throws you token lines to keep you sweet (and buying his food).

He spends his money on golf and himself, great. Tell him your skint and he needs to buy food for you all this month, see his reaction.

He will give more declarations of love if he feels his meal ticket is slipping away, watch out for that one.

Sorry it's harsh op, but you can do better. As a pp said you are kind and generous you deserve better.

Cabrinha Wed 06-Aug-14 23:28:54

I'm Sorry this is so harsh, but I need to be blunt. I agree with the others. He's using you. I'm so angry for you! sad

Itmustbelove Wed 06-Aug-14 23:29:01

No wonder he likes it at your place. He's got it made, hasn't he? I'm sure he wouldn't want to change a thing.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 06-Aug-14 23:30:15

At what point did you learn the damaging lesson that being single makes you a failure, and that once you Have A Man you must do anything and everything to keep him?
You are being scammed rigid by this lazy, greedy, cocklodging conman. Yet you are letting him get away with it.

You have two options, basically. The first is to dump him, spend a year without dating anyone and work out your boundaries and self-esteem until you reach the mindset of being perfectly happy single: so happy to be single that you would only consider changing your single status for a truly exceptional man.

The other option is to decide (and wholeheartedly accept) that this man is so good in bed that you are prepared to keep him as a kind of exotic pet; feed him, pay for his care, buy him treats and expect nothing from him but meaningless pretty words and mindblowing sex.

It's up to you.

Iflyaway Wed 06-Aug-14 23:34:44

He treats you like shit and treats his dog like shit.

You gonna put up with him for another 5 years?

springydaffs Wed 06-Aug-14 23:36:54

Gosh, what a depressing story. He is completely using you. It sounds like his ex is using you too. What's going on with those two?

He treats you the same way he treats that poor dog: there for his convenience, no thought of you/the dog's needs at all.

Get rid, lovely. If he's upset to lose you it's because he loves the gravy train you provide. If he genuinely cared for you he'd lavish attention and money on you the way he does his ex wife.

So depressing. Start by reporting him to RSPCA re that poor dog, then rescue yourself from this user.

I'm so sorry xx

usualnamechanger Wed 06-Aug-14 23:37:04

You need to LTB.

Frogisatwat Wed 06-Aug-14 23:42:04

'I have invested so much love into him'
What utter tosh. No reason to stick with him is it? To be honest I am surprised he hasn't bit your hand off to get married. He would be set up for life then.
I think you are very lucky that this relationship HASN'T progressed.

janesduffelcoat Wed 06-Aug-14 23:52:08

Sorry OP but he's a cocklodger!

Glastokitty Wed 06-Aug-14 23:58:30

He's taking the piss and you are being a mug putting up with it. He sounds awful! And Id phone the warden about his dog, cruel bastard.

Tinks42 Wed 06-Aug-14 23:58:43

Rebounds totally sucks OP, but this is what he is doing. Im saying this because I was you a few years ago. As Solid says I'm very happily single now (it took a while) and if someone doesn't enhance my life they can't be in it. It's a good feeling OP. Dump him, get your head together, value yourself for the wonderful kind person you are and you'll be surprised by what then comes your way.

borisgudanov Thu 07-Aug-14 00:41:26

Cocklodger. Pull the plug.

WildBillfemale Thu 07-Aug-14 00:42:24

sorry but you are quite literally a meal ticket. It doesn't sound like he would be around if it wasn't so financially advantageous for him.

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