Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ExP wanting to take DS on holiday

(59 Posts)
Solasum Wed 06-Aug-14 22:36:22

Back in May I had a thread because absentee ExP wanted to take going to be 9mo DS to his parents' house overseas, and leave him there for a week in September. I said no. People here agreed (Phew).

At the time, I said that Ex could possibly take DS to stay with them for two nights only, on the understanding that he would be there all the time himself, and that he would spend a lot more time with DS beforehand.

It is now now, and ex has said he would like to take DS for the two nights, and will stay with him. But, he has if anything spent even less time with DS since May (maybe 4 hours this month).

I have major reservations. Ex knows nothing about DS routine, or about feeding him, getting him to nap etc. DS is still bf morning, late afternoon and at night sometimes repeatedly blush. I have yet to leave him overnight.

Ex thinks I have moved the goalposts. I think I haven't. He asked when I would trust him to take DS away on his own if not now, and to be honest I could not answer. I wonder if I am being precious, though?
FWIW I have said I will take DS out to visit the family, but only if ex is around as well.

3littlefrogs Wed 06-Aug-14 22:39:55

Ds is 9 months old, breast feeding and your ex spends about 4 hours a month with him?

Do not let him take him.

Tell ex to take you to court.

Document all evidence and communicate only by email.

It sounds as if he is not really interested in your DS other than a tool to use in a power struggle.

Everybodyleaves Wed 06-Aug-14 22:43:40

If you are still bf baby then I think your offer to take DS is the best practical solution this time and you can also share his routine with ExP at the same time.

17leftfeet Wed 06-Aug-14 22:44:38

He needs to be in regular contact before he even thinks of taking him anywhere for 2 days, let alone abroad

Tinks42 Wed 06-Aug-14 22:48:09

Just tell him DS is too young end of. The only other option is for you to go too.

Solasum Wed 06-Aug-14 22:49:28

Ex said I can just tell him what he needs to do with DS. Unfortunately for him I think he has not yet appreciated that DS is a child not a machine, and that there isn't a failsafe instruction manual.

But ex knows he is lazy about seeing DS and will make more effort soon hmm

Lweji Wed 06-Aug-14 22:52:29

Personally, I wouldn't let an ex take my baby overseas to his parents for any time. Unless I trusted him absolutely.
Let alone one who is still breastfeeding and with a parent who has done such little parenting.

You don't know when your DS will be ready to travel and end of.

Spero Wed 06-Aug-14 22:56:35

You are not being remotely precious. He will have to build up spending time here before it can possibly be in such a young child's best interests to travel away with him. Does your son even know who he is if he has spent only four hours with him this month?

Finola1step Wed 06-Aug-14 23:00:04

I opened this thread expecting to read about an older, school aged child. A baby! 9 months old still breast feeding! No flipping way!

The ex may well be his father but he does not spend enough time with your ds on his own to be called a parent. He is a visiting Dad. He is not a care giver. I can see why he originally wanted to take the child and leave him with the grandparents. Your ex knows that he's not up to it so now thinks he can wing it for a couple of days.

Keep the offer to go with your ds on the table. But one question. Where is your son's passport?

Solasum Wed 06-Aug-14 23:05:39

Finola re passport, it, and birth certificate and the only extant certified copies, are firmly in my hands. Better safe than sorry and all that.

Solasum Wed 06-Aug-14 23:08:38

Spero, I was pondering that earlier actually. DS is well socialised as he has been at nursery, and will smile at anyone, and does smile at his dad too. But as to whether he actually does find him familiar, I couldn't say.

todayisnottheday Wed 06-Aug-14 23:09:16

If he's only spending about an hour a week with him it's no surprise he doesn't have a clue what it takes to parent a young child or his specific child! I don't see how you've moved the goal posts, what does he say about not having spent more time with his child to build a relationship up etc?

Whatever he says though you're not wrong, expecting a 9mo to go off with someone they don't know for an extended time is not ok!

s88 Wed 06-Aug-14 23:13:29

no f in way ! without a doubt .

your ds would be unsettled and why do that to him ?

s88 Wed 06-Aug-14 23:13:41

That was aimed at him not you

Solasum Wed 06-Aug-14 23:19:24

Out of curiosity, how much time do you think a child needs to spend with someone to build a relationship with them?

In our case DS and ex gave a short afternoon approx every third weekend, so far from weekly contact.

Spero Wed 06-Aug-14 23:20:05

He's got to start spending regular time with him - say minimum an afternoon a week, build it up gradually to overnights and only then would I even consider it.

I think it would potentially be very frightening for your little boy to find himself away from you with someone he can't possibly know. Separation anxiety kicks in about now.

I am absolutely confident that no court would ever think holiday contact now would be in your son's best interests.

Oly4 Wed 06-Aug-14 23:39:49

No way would I do this, your son will be traumatised probably without you there. Offer to go over for the weekend to visit the family. That is fair.
If he doesn't like it he can take you to court. Your son has spent more time with caregivers at nursery than his own dad. I'd only just let my two year old out of my sight for two nights..with people who know him well!!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 06-Aug-14 23:41:51

As there's no court order (and no court will make an order for a BF baby to be taken away from his mother for several days) tell your XP to grow the fuck up and that you wil let him know when DS is old enough. Also, XP needs to commit to a regular visiting schedule before he can have any overnights.
Document everything, but don't be intimidated. XP is not the boss. Nor are his wishes the priority.

Cabrinha Thu 07-Aug-14 00:00:09

Just wanted to say - at 9 months I hadn't left my bf baby overnight (or at all, actually).
At that point, I wouldn't have let my then husband take her overseas for 2 nights!
Family want to see baby, they can come to UK.
Plenty of people would happily let their partner do it - but I don't think it's unusual not to. And that's for a child who lives with their father!!
9 months is so tiny.
I actually think my daughter would have been fine btw - but I think it's a valid choice not to leave them at all so soon.

OneSkinnyChip Thu 07-Aug-14 00:08:00

Never in a million years would this happen if I were you.

mouseymummy Thu 07-Aug-14 00:10:54

My ds is the same age, bf too.

On Saturday, all being well, will be the first time I have left ds for more than twenty minutes. I'm having a haircut so I'll be leaving him for around an hour. I'm leaving him with my best friend who sees him most days!!

I couldn't imagine letting someone who he doesn't know take him for 2 days.

Tell him to go to court... And watch as he's told not a chance by the judge!!

FlossyMoo Thu 07-Aug-14 00:12:17

A child is for life not just for holidays.

If your ex can not put the effort in to see his baby on a regular basis and provide the child with a routine then he should not take him away from you.

Lweji Thu 07-Aug-14 07:37:28

A baby is not a prize to parade around.
I had DS in the UK and my relatives all lived overseas. They came to visit the baby when he was born.

By taking him overseas to his parents there is a high risk of child abduction. Do you trust him 100%? He may not care enough, but his parents might.
Even the 2 days may turn into two weeks and you'll have a hard time and too much stress. Not to mention the baby, who, at 9 months, is perfectly aware of surroundings and may already have separation anxiety.

I would simply not allow the child out of the country.

43percentburnt Thu 07-Aug-14 07:55:50

He is a twat. The fact he wants to take a breast fed baby away from his mother proves he is a twat. He is prioritising his own wants over his babies needs. I'm sure Kelly mom website says at 1 year old baby should still get 75% of their food intake from breast milk. How will he provide this when you are elsewhere.

As previous posters have said, communicate only via email and text. Say you are not prepared to discuss verbally as arguing upsets the baby. Something you don't want to do. Keep all communication. Please keep a diary too, include when he sees baby, if he is late, changes plans, what he says, if he passes baby back to you when crying/nappy needs changing etc. you may need this in the future.

It would be expensive for him to take you to court. Does he pay maintenance? Or is he a selfish spend all his money on him type? Court may be an empty threat to get you to do as he says.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 07-Aug-14 08:02:22

I would want him to be seeing his son twice a week and having sole care for a good few hours. I think he needs to be there to feed him, comfort him, put him down for naps, be there when he wakes etc and this needs to happen regularly. 4 hours twice a week would be my minimum before I was willing to consider him taking the baby away, and this contact would have to be ongoing until I was sure DS had built a bond, so 3-4 months?
If he's not willing to do that, or wanting to, then he's not much of a dad and probably shouldn't ever take your son away for 2 days to be honest.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now