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So how do we fix our relationship?

(36 Posts)
AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 17:15:46

DP and I have been together 3.5 years, everything was great at first, both really happy etc etc etc. When we moved in together, our sex life took a turn for the worse and weeks started to pass, then a month, a few months and we're now on 10 months! He just isn't interested at all! I on the other hand am like at dog on heat!

He's not very physically intimate at all, hardly cuddles me, we've not kissed properly since the last time we had sex. I'm a very physical person and crave nothing more than even just a random cuddle. Counselling has been mentioned at few times in he past, but he isn't the sort to talk and tbh I'd be mortified. I just don't know what to do about it any more.

I've tried talking to him, he says sex is hardly appealing when I'm constantly grumpy - hardly a surprise I find it hard to be happy really! I've kind of accepted for a while that it's just the way our relationship is, but I don't know how much longer I can do it sad

Since we got together, I've lost about 4 stone and have started taking a bigger interest in clothes/hair/make up, which at first was partly to do with trying to get him to want me more, but clearly didn't work!

It's just weighing on my mind so much at the moment, I really want things to work between us, but it's soul destroying!

Jan45 Wed 06-Aug-14 17:21:02

3.5 years and no sex life? Sorry but I couldn't live like that plus his attitude is disgusting, so are you meant to just be friends that live together?

I know you want to work it out but does he, doesn't sound like it.

Sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me, he can't expect you to just accept that because he doesn't want a sex life, either should you.

This would be enough for me to leave the relationship, you clearly are a very tactile person and are normal in every way, it's him that has the problem, he either wants to address it and work things out, or he doesn't.

Matildathecat Wed 06-Aug-14 17:23:20

Oh dear. He doesn't talk and he isn't in any way intimate. You need intimacy and want to talk. It's not looking good, I'm afraid.

He can't be making you happy and when you move in together it should be one of the most fun and exciting times of your life. I think you need to go to some counselling. But not with him.


Squidstirfry Wed 06-Aug-14 17:29:20

Oh dear...

Sorry I couldn't live with someone who only kisses during sex and leaves it 10 months in between! No chance.

It sounds like you have tried talking, but he accuses you of being grumpy? Have you tried approaching it in a matter-of-fact way like "I really cannot live like this it's driving me away"

After 3 1/2 years, it's not a huge loss to call it a day... Do you have DC? A mortgage together?

(Sorry to add but I am a bit suspicious of men who are that disinterested. I know it can happen but I would always assume they actually have a porn habit and don't need a real human)

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 17:37:28

I think there's going to have to come a point soon where I lay it on the line, but I feel really selfish and almost shallow for thinking of ending it because of lack of sex. Shallow's not quite the word I'm after, but I can't think how else to describe it!

Definitely no porn habit or affair, he works really long hours (and is genuinely workint). He seems to think what I want is more money thrown at the situation and whilst I appreciate he works hard for us, it's not everything iykwim? A friend told me the other day she was surprised I'd not had an affair and she wouldn't blame me in the slightest if I did end up up to no good with the first person that showed a bit of interest. Not that I would!

We've 2 dc, not his though but he's been in their lives abs long as they remember. No mortgage as we rent!

Nancyjuice7 Wed 06-Aug-14 17:39:59

OP I really feel for you, I know it's not what you want to hear, but in my experience, if he isn't getting it from you, he's getting it from else where. In that case, chuck him.
Even so, if he is just usually "not interested" I would also, chuck him. You need someone who adores you and can't keep their hands of, even more so at 3.5 years! You deserve much better!
I would sit down, tell him how you feel and say look be honest, we sort it or you toddle on.
All the best thanksthanksthanks

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 17:40:26

Funnily enough, his friends are always telling him we're just like friends that live together, he can't see it though! I do get a peck on the cheek when he goes to work and the odd cuddle, not really enough though is it? I'm only in my 20s as well.

Matildathecat Wed 06-Aug-14 17:47:21

Not enough by a very long distance. Can you face this for the next 30 years? You are young, please enjoy your life. Who Knows knows why he's behaving this way, but tbh it doesn't make much difference in terms of how it's affecting you.

Start looking for a new flat...

Abilly72 Wed 06-Aug-14 18:11:07

He either does not care at all about all the things you have mentioned-in which case tell him to go OR he has founds someone else who has the same abysmal attitude as he which case tell him to go OR he is mentally challenged in which case get him professional help
On the whole he sounds disgusting and should be living in the dog kennel

Quitelikely Wed 06-Aug-14 18:14:58


He could be cheating


Not find you attractive

Have a medical problem

Which of these do you think it is OP

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 18:21:10

Really, I'd be massively shocked if he was getting It elsewhere! I don't know if I could do 30 odd years of this, probably not. Although I'm "comfortable" now, kids are happy, I'm happy-ish, just missing the physical element, we've got a nice house in a nice area. I don't know if I could hack another broken relationship and I'd certainly not be able to afford to live round here. It feels easier to stay with him, I feel like it's catch 22. I do feel like a horrible person though, he works so hard for us all and really does treat the kids like his own!

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 18:24:55

Out of all those, I'd swing towards medical problem if anything. When questioned he'll tell me I'm stunning and it's not because he doesn't find me physically attractive, he just doesn't want it. He's mentioned a few times that because he knows he can have it any time, he just doesn't want it? Dunno how to take that really! I've explained to him so many times that it's so different for me cos he knows he can get it any time, whereas it's soul destroying for me to try and get knocked back constantly, I don't try much any more. Apparently he can still get it up.

Quitelikely Wed 06-Aug-14 18:29:30

I know no man that would go without for no good reason. I'm as confused as you!

Maybe you need to suggest the gp as its like there is no desire/drive.

Have you said anything along the lines of 'are we in a sexless relationship now' or 'what about my needs'

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 18:41:58

I've suggested the gp before to no avail. I've considered insisting on counselling but don't know if It would actually do us any good. And I don't want pity sex.

I've asked him many a time if he thinks we'll ever have sex again and he always says something along the lines of yes, soon. And I've (half jokingly) asked if he'd be happy with me getting it elsewhere! I doubt he'd be happy with that though!

I've tried trying It on lots, I've tried getting all dolled up, not trying it on, being extremely distant, I don't think there's much left to try tbh!

Darkesteyes Wed 06-Aug-14 18:49:34

You've never heard of asexuality then Quite Likely. Saying you know no MAN that would go without for no good reason says that you are just focusing on the stereotypical image of men and sex.

Men aren't all rutting stags you know. Some of them just don't like sex.

Not saying this is your DH OP. Its just that im beginning to notice the same tired old stereotypes seeping out lately.

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 19:07:05

If he were asexual would he want a relationship though? Or want the relationship but just not sex? Confused! I do know a few other people who's DPs don't want It much, so I know it's not an entirely uncommon situation, just feels a bit of a shit one right now!

Darkesteyes Wed 06-Aug-14 21:24:51

AllFur. Its possible he does want the relationship but not the sex. He still gets to maintain the appearance of Happily Coupled Up Man. And if he doesn't want to sleep with you why is he so bothered about you getting it elsewhere.
is he basically saying "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you"

Because that is very cruel.

Quitelikely Wed 06-Aug-14 21:31:41

Darkest eyes yes I have heard of that but if your asexual you don't enter into a full on relationship with someone and have sex etc!

And men do like sex. I don't think I'm generalising there.

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 21:33:36

You know, it kinda is that! He doesn't want to have sex with me, but he doesn't want anyone else to either. Which in a way could be a good thing, cos he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. But then he's not exactly doing anything to make me want to stay! I really can understand people having affairs right now, not saying it's right of them to, but I certainly understand! Apologies if I'm repeating myself too, head's rather fucked tonight!

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 21:35:44

quite I think there in lies my problem! Men in general like sex, women in general like sex too! If I were a man considering leaving my wife cos she won't have sex; I'd be called all manner of different forms of bastard!

Quitelikely Wed 06-Aug-14 21:37:42

Have you considered a trip to the Ann Summers shop in the interim, might be your only hope!

It's not fair or right for dh to ask you to live this way. That much is true. He's changed the goal posts and well this just isn't what you signed up for.

You need to gently force the issue again when you feel the time is right.

AllFurCoat Wed 06-Aug-14 21:45:37

I think I'd have self combusted had I not considered that a fair few times ;)

I think it's something I'm going to have to sit on for a while, we've got a holiday booked in the next few weeks! Apparently I may get some then... I'll not get myself too excited!

mineofuselessinformation Wed 06-Aug-14 21:46:56

Quitelikely, what century are you living in? OP shouldn't need to 'dress up' or whatever else you are imagining....
OP, you need to sit him down and talk about what you both want and need in this relationship. FTR, my XH got to the point where he only ever kissed me when he wanted sex (lots of backstory). There was never any affection otherwise. It made me feel sad.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 06-Aug-14 21:48:31

And I should add....
A bit 'woo', but my yoga teacher, as part of our relaxation at the end, says 'for the body likes to be hugged'. Bloody right it does - I miss it a lot. sad

Quitelikely Wed 06-Aug-14 21:51:41


I did not tell her to dress up! Get your facts right please.

I suggested she went to Ann summers for her own satisfaction incase you couldn't work that out!

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