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Did anyone end up with someone that had been a friend for years?

(142 Posts)
morley19 Tue 05-Aug-14 14:30:02

Just that really?

Someone I have been friends with for years has come clean with how they have always felt.

I get on better with him than any man I have ever been with, he makes me laugh, am totally comfortable in his company.

So we have now spent some time together, and been physical.

BUT I have not had initial buzz/infatuation that I have had in previous relationships (that have all failed I might add. When that has worn off there was nothing left!). It is much more of a comfortable/secure feeling. I have loads in common with him. and he is the most decent guy you could ever meet.

How important is that initial fancying like mad etc? I always thought it was really important, but having been through so many relationships where I had that and, when it has passed, there was nothing really in common, I just don't know anymore. I really don't!

I know a lot of you will say the fact I am even questioning things mean it probably isn't to be but I think when you get older (and after quite a lot of experience!) - I am mid 40s - it isn't such a bad thing to question things?

If I haven't had that initial feeling does that mean it is doomed and nothing deeper and long tern could develop? Do I give it chance or is that unfair on him?

I don't want to take advantage of him, or his feelings, in any way whatsoever. He is so lovely, I feel a massive affection and protectiveness for him

Just really interested to hear other people's views/experiences. Having got to mid 40s and had experiences of all sorts of different relationships, none which have worked, I am just at a loss theses days as to what it should be

x

Lally112 Tue 05-Aug-14 14:36:58

Sort of, DH and I have been together since high school. We have known each other all our lives and it works. It was a bit of a leap to begin with because we knew if it didn't work then we had lost a friend as well as relationship but now 16 years on hes still outside cutting the grass and muttering to himself about chippy stones getting everywhere.

PeresteckBalveda Tue 05-Aug-14 14:38:41

Reader, I married him. We knew each other for about 3 years prior to falling into bed one night after a party. That was 8 years ago. There hadn't been any of that spark initially but that started as we began to get to know each other intimately. It was a bit like meeting him for the first time all over again but better.

morley19 Tue 05-Aug-14 14:39:03

Thanks Lally112

Can I ask how you felt at the start? did you just suddenly go from friends to a massive attraction to him?

CMOTDibbler Tue 05-Aug-14 14:39:20

I'd known DH for 5 years before we got together, including living with him and his then girlfriend for a year (they split up a year before we got together and she moved away a year before that). Had never thought about him romantically, or would have put him in my fanciable category. We were great friends, got very drunk one night and well...
No buzz, just a great sense of security, and we've kept that close friendship ever since, through all sorts of crap in our lives

smoothieooo Tue 05-Aug-14 14:39:32

I am in a similar situation in that after my marriage ended 2+ years ago, I recently began dating someone I had a relationship with 25 years ago. I'm also just the wrong side of mid 40's and it's done wonders for my ego - he is 6'2", good looking, solvent and a lovely, lovely man. We laugh, have great evenings out, I get on with his family etc.

But.... for me there is no sexual tension/chemistry. On paper, it's absolutely fantastic but in the bedroom I can only say that it's not unpleasant. This is bothering me a lot and I too am not sure how to proceed. It's almost a relief that due to differing holiday schedules, I won't see him for over 3 weeks although we will speak often.

Sorry Morley - no advice, but I'm also interested in the views of others!

morley19 Tue 05-Aug-14 14:41:15

Thanks Peresteck.

so happy for you!

I just feel confused! this is nothing like anything in the past. but nothing in the past has worked out. Out of all the people I have been with I would want it to be right with him but I know you can't force feelings

morley19 Tue 05-Aug-14 14:43:02

I've got to go to a meeting now but I will respond to the other messages later x

overmydeadbody Tue 05-Aug-14 14:44:23

Yep!

I am marrying him on Saturday grin

I new him as a good friend for 4 years before we both just fell for each other, and then I started to fancy him more and more (he claims he always fancied me but thought I was not interested, which to be fair I wasn't).

Weve been together 5 years now and the love just gets stronger and deeper all the time.

What you have OP sounds like a good thing!

ChameNanging Tue 05-Aug-14 14:46:25

I did and it was a terrible mistake - because we were friends before I stood for a lot more than I would have otherwise, and made a lot of allowances. He treated me dreadfully and I've lost him as a friend, and other friends, over it. Make sure you don't end up treating it as "fate" because a great friend can make a horrible partner.

dreamingbohemian Tue 05-Aug-14 14:50:43

I had the exact same as Perestick smile I agree that it's like meeting all over again, good way of putting it.

Can I ask how long you've been giving it a chance?

In my case, for the first few weeks I just thought, wow this is surprisingly very nice, but then I just really fell for him completely. So perhaps give it a bit more time? You might still get that intensity, or feel more certain of things.

MandyPambey Tue 05-Aug-14 15:02:41

No, but this is what I'd love to have.

As long as you fancy him enough to shag him the initial attraction/buzz means nothing.

Hoppinggreen Tue 05-Aug-14 15:12:58

Me and DH met at uni and were seeing other people.
We kept in touch and then through various circumstances we ebede up together about 3 years after we left.
We have been together almost 20 years and married for 12
He completes me!!!
We always got on really well as mates, so much so that when we got together his ex ( who was my friend and who had dumped him about 4 years before hand) claimed she always knew we were at it behind her back , which was totally untrue.
I wondered about the initial attraction thing too but I do fancy him now

Needadvice5 Tue 05-Aug-14 15:25:12

I worked with my lovely dp for 12 years, he was married with 2dc and I was in an abusive relationship with 2dc.

My ex violently assaulted me and I left him but as awful as this sounds I knew I needed to find someone who would look after me and protect me from my ex.

My dp had recently separated from his wife and asked me out for a drink, I never fancied him at the time but he's well built and I know he can look after himself with the job that he does so I agreed on the basis that he wouldn't let my ex harm me.

Three years later and I've never been so happy, I've fallen head over heels with him, he's the most amazing loving partner and brilliant with my dc. cannot imagine life without him!

My ex has stayed away from me and life is very good.

I never imagined that we would end up together after all those years....

LightNC Tue 05-Aug-14 15:29:41

Yes, but it didn't work out.

I also felt that 'massive affection and protectiveness for him' which on reflection, might not have been a great sign. I also got on well with him and felt totally comfortable with him.

However, being in a relationship brought out a few aspects that I hadn't seen before, as a friend. I wish I'd kept him as a friend tbh. It really didn't end well.

Not saying that will happen to you, just offering another experience. So take it as it comes, explore the relationship, and see if it's right for you both - just as you would in any other relationship. Don't force it or fall into the 'feels so right, I've come home' trap like I did! See how it goes, and have fun.

Good luck!

IrenetheQuaint Tue 05-Aug-14 15:34:44

How's the sex? I don't think you need to be head over heels, obsessively adoring etc, but there does need to be something that separates your relationship from that of really close friends.

bronya Tue 05-Aug-14 15:43:32

I did. We did have that initial buzz when we started kissing etc though. He is my best friend, we have similar interests and even when the physical side isn't great (e.g. heavily pregnant/just after birth) it doesn't matter so much because we're not together just for that.

fluffydressinggown Tue 05-Aug-14 15:48:22

I met my DH at university and shared a house with him and some other friends. We got together just after I finished my degree.

Now we have been together for nine years and I have never looked back, I love being married to my best friend. I think knowing each other so well helped our relationship a lot.

NewJobNewLife Tue 05-Aug-14 16:13:15

I did. DH and I were friends for four years, two of which we lived together when dating other people, before we got together. We were best friends and helped each other through studying, first jobs, difficult breakups etc while friends.

One night we were very drunk and kissed. We've been married nearly five years now and things are going well, though there have been some stressful times. In contrast to other couples who seem to argue when they're stressed, we tend to back off a bit and lead independent lives while the stress passes, knowing 'we' will be there afterwards and no harsh words will have been said.

He is my best friend. He infuriates me sometimes, but I respect him and can work with our differences. We somehow manage to compromise and be kind (or at least civil!) to each other in tough times and have great fun in easier times. I would hate to lose our marriage because I don't want to lose my friend.

On the 'buzz' front, I'd say we have more of a respect/admiration/supportive thing rather than a rush of passion. There is enough passion to keep us together though! I think, and hope, that respect/admiration/support is more important in a long relationship than passion, but that might be clouded by the fact that any relationship that started with a bang eventually fizzled. I feel like we are a team, a partnership, rather than two people who just happen to fancy each other.

morley19 Tue 05-Aug-14 16:21:17

Wow! thanks so much for all your replies, this is sooo helpful

Am going to try to answer your questions:

- I know him inside out as a person. I know he would never treat me badly, there are no surprises. He said right form the start that whatever happens he never wants to lose contact with me. I know I don't have to 'put up with more from him, cos he is a friend' - he couldn't treat me better

- we actually met 25 years ago! He said he was besotted from the moment he saw me (sorry that sounds big headed, am just repeating what he says). We have both had lives since, until recently I hadn't actually seen him in 10 years.

We have always been in contact though. We both became single within the last year or so. We started having dily contact by email/phone etc and about 3 or 4 months ago he came clean with how he felt. I was actually surprised, all those years ago he had just jokingly taken the piss out of me - he says that was the only way he could deal with his feelings at the time (we were both v young).

- other complication is he lives a very small flight away at the mo (20 mins) so we can't just see each other for nights out. so whilst we have spoken daily for the last 3 - 4 months (and I'm talking for hours on end, never run out of things to talk about, so much in common) I have only spent 3 long weekends with him.

Hopping - similar to you, we always got on so well as mates - other people have said they could see how much he liked me/how well we got on together. He split up with the mother of his children over 10 years ago and apparently she even said 'well at least you can go and find Morley now' - I'd only met her a couple of times!

Irene - how's the sex? He is a very loving/considerate partner!

Thanks for your replies, they have genuinely helped. I am very scared of potentially throwing something away that could be deep and meaningful over worrying about an initial attraction that wears off. but also appreciate I need to not get swept up in the /romantic tale' of it all and ensure I am brutally honest. I think far too much of him to ever take advantage of his feelings

Thanks x

BeanpoleSally Tue 05-Aug-14 16:26:20

Yup, not close friends but knew each other for about 5 years, got to know each other better when he got a new job delivering to where I worked, started meeting up with the same group of friends... Then just us... Then he sent me a valentines card grin thought nothing would happen because we were friends but had started to fall for him when spending time together! never considered him 'in that way' at first but don't really know why. Now we have a baby and a house and I can't imagine life any other way. He's my best friend. He annoys me! But I wouldn't be without him.

Lally112 Tue 05-Aug-14 16:47:03

Sorry, DD fell off pony requiring a quick trip to the yard. The attraction built gradually, neither of us told the other though but both of us had too much to drink one night (not a good role model - hope the kids don't see this) and we slept together. That was Tuesday, on Wednesday he came to my house after football training(this sounds so so far away from now) and asked me if we could 'go exclusive' because he couldn't get me out his head.

The attraction was already there and it still is. I'm not saying its perfect/ we don't argue/ he doesn't leave his socks on the floor and I don't ruin the brakes on his car but it still works and its only got better with age.

Lally112 Tue 05-Aug-14 16:47:03

Sorry, DD fell off pony requiring a quick trip to the yard. The attraction built gradually, neither of us told the other though but both of us had too much to drink one night (not a good role model - hope the kids don't see this) and we slept together. That was Tuesday, on Wednesday he came to my house after football training(this sounds so so far away from now) and asked me if we could 'go exclusive' because he couldn't get me out his head.

The attraction was already there and it still is. I'm not saying its perfect/ we don't argue/ he doesn't leave his socks on the floor and I don't ruin the brakes on his car but it still works and its only got better with age.

BobPatandIgglePiggle Tue 05-Aug-14 16:51:33

I worked at the same place as dp for a few years before we got together. Not in the same job or anything but in the same big team at different sites.

We always got on, had a laugh etc but I definitely didn't fancy him. He was living with someone and I'd heard she was seeing someone else, that they'd kind of split etc. Never really payed much attention.

Then we got sent on the same course, one night a week after work. We used to sit together. Then started going for a quick drink after the course with a couple of others.

We'd have big department nights out every couple of months and we always seemed to end up talking necking shots in Revolution Vodka Bar and dancing together.

One night he kissed me and we've been together 5 years and have ds. It was weird 'coming out' at work but not a problem.

Annarose2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 18:09:29

Yup, mates for many years, no sexual tenaion whatsoever, never fancied each other.

Then one night we got ratarsed and.....blush

I think it worked cos in the early stages we were VERY casual. Friends with benefits, basically.

And with that in mind if the benefits part had tailed off naturally or had we started annoying each other then we'd have just shrugged our shoulders and kept the friendship. Lord knows there had been other friends we'd both blurred the lines with!

So I think keep it casual and relaxed and you'll be fine. We've now been married 10 years cos we allowed it to develop gradually and easily, with no pressure. smile

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