Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Caught in the act . Mortified.

(568 Posts)
SickOfAnts Mon 04-Aug-14 20:13:18

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 04-Aug-14 20:16:38

So based on that theory, your DS and DDIL are never going to have sex again while their baby is in the house?

This just screams PFB

bauhausfan Mon 04-Aug-14 20:16:48

It's only sex! She's done it herself and she's probably more embarrassed than you are smile Personally I can't for the life of me see how it makes you bad grandparents. THEY must be having sex too yet somehow they are good parents? How can it be one rule for you guys and another for them - it's illogical.

Ships99 Mon 04-Aug-14 20:18:09

Sex is normal. You do it. They do it. I would be too embarrassed to be pulling rank if I was your son.
It's totally normal and nobody was hurt or neglected!

DoItTooJulia Mon 04-Aug-14 20:18:27


I'm not entirely surprised your dil was upset. I think I,would be if I walked in on her daughters caregivers having sex while she was in their care.

All you can do is apologise and hope that when the initial embarrassment and upset has died down your dil will trust you to have your dgd again.

Do you understand why she is upset? Do you disagree with her about being upset?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 04-Aug-14 20:19:24

On another note, you have a DS, they must realise you and your DH have sex. She had to wake the baby, so obviously the baby was fine and in no danger.

They're going to look back on this in years to come and cringe at their stupidity.

ROARmeow Mon 04-Aug-14 20:20:03

Your DIL is overreacting in a stupid way. Maybe it's her embarrassment or maybe her "ick factor" at seeing people having sex in front of her.

Her overreaction will backfire though if you are made to give up looking after your DGD, who else would they get to do it?

SickOfAnts Mon 04-Aug-14 20:20:12


We would never have conceived our other DS's if sleeping baby = no sex.

Maybe now as grandparents we're supposed to be asexual.

Still embarrasing though.

ThisIsBULLSHIT Mon 04-Aug-14 20:21:08

Oh blimey, poor you and DH.

Maybe this is something that will blow over soon enough and you might even laugh about it in years to come.

You mentioned another thing that has plagued you for 30 years, I don't think this will seem as bad as that even if it feels really embarrassing now.

I think they AB spectacularly U and really rather rude. The baby was asleep!!!!

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 04-Aug-14 20:21:11

When else do they have sex if not when the baby's asleep.

You gave up work to look after their child and they have the cheek to be anything but grateful?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 04-Aug-14 20:21:18

Julia the OP hasn't done anything wrong. DGD was in OP's care, but she was asleep. Are they supposed to just stand over her cot and gaze at her? They had sex. So what??

Parents do it all the time while their children are asleep in their cots. Is it neglect? Is it wrong? Of course not!

Clarabell78 Mon 04-Aug-14 20:21:43

You are consenting adults and what you do whilst in the privacy of your own home is your business... However I can understand entirely how DIL feels as GD was in your care at the time. I would have been affronted. Could you not have waited a couple hours until you were alone?

coppertop Mon 04-Aug-14 20:22:02

I would wish ds lots of luck in finding alternative cheap/free childcare and leave them to it.

Perhaps a bit of time finding out what it's like not having free childcare on tap will teach him a valuable lesson about appreciating what his parents do for him.

Liara Mon 04-Aug-14 20:22:03

The child was asleep, I take it?

If so your DS is a complete twat, I'm afraid. And an ungrateful wretch to boot.

concernedaboutheboy Mon 04-Aug-14 20:22:13

Doittoojulia are you the DIL ??? grin

OP, of course you didn't do anything wrong. The child was asleep!

SickOfAnts Mon 04-Aug-14 20:22:37

I do understand her upset. But i don't think it makes us irresponsable.

DiaDuit Mon 04-Aug-14 20:23:10

oh how immature of your DS! he cant cope with the idea his parents are having sex so he is punishing you for his lack of maturity. lovely. what an idiot.

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 04-Aug-14 20:23:28

DoItTooJulia: why would you be upset at grandparents having sex while the baby sleeps. Are they supposed to sit in suspended animation until she wakes?

What if they were doing the hoovering (loud, so wouldn't hear crying)?

Or is it just the people in their 50s with a sex life that's the problem?

McBear Mon 04-Aug-14 20:23:42

I'm in two minds about this one.

If I walked in on my mil/DM having sex I'd laugh my head off and we'd all have joke about the awkwardness but while they were supposed to be caring for DD?

I think I'd have no problem with it as she'd be asleep so no harm, no foul (and it's definitely something I'd do without thinking twice) but it would make me question if they were doing a proper job. I don't know why.

Don't be embarrassed tho. We all do it. wink

JimmyCorkhill Mon 04-Aug-14 20:23:59

But DoItTooJulia the baby was asleep. There is a massive difference between hearing a baby's cry (which you probably have one ear out for) and someone letting them self in to your house. DH always surprises me when he gets home because I'm not actively listening out for him.

She woke up DGD and went home.
The baby was fine and not crying.

I can understand that DIL was embarrassed. If the baby was screeching she has a case. But the truth is the baby was having its nap.

The OP has given up work to care for this child. The DIL is overreacting and ungrateful.

OP, I expect they will 'forgive' you and give you a 'second chance' when they realise how much child care costs.

concernedaboutheboy Mon 04-Aug-14 20:24:20

Affronted??? Affronted at what??? Seriously folks ...

JimmyCorkhill Mon 04-Aug-14 20:25:08

Massive cross posts blush

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax Mon 04-Aug-14 20:25:10

So she had to wake up your grandchild to take the grandchild home?

I think she's over reacting!

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 04-Aug-14 20:25:13

Sometimes parents even have sex while their children are both awake and in the house!

The child wasn't in any danger, so what could be the problem?

fairgame Mon 04-Aug-14 20:25:24

Your DS and DIL are overreacting. You did nothing wrong.
Do they not have sex while PFB is asleep?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now