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Try again or spilt now?

(13 Posts)
wewillmendit Sun 03-Aug-14 12:01:14

I have posted before about my failing marriage. We are still living in the same house.
Last night, I spoke with H re the next step. I asked him if we ought to remain living as friends for the time being for DD's sake at present. She has health issues at the mo which are being investigated and I don't feel it is the right time to move us out. We haven't told DD anything as yet.

H's response was that if I want to go I should, however was I sure that this is the end? I am more than confused. I so want to do the right thing by us all, but is the right thing to give the marriage one last shot, although I feel we have already done that.

Quitelikely Sun 03-Aug-14 12:12:54

It depends on what the problems are in the marriage are?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Aug-14 14:29:18

Why would you have to move DD out if she has health issues? I think your H is picking up on the 'live together as friends' idea as a hint that there is a future in the relationship. I don't know why you believe things have broken down irretrievably but, if that's not the case, then it would be unfair to give him false hopes.

tigermoll Sun 03-Aug-14 14:43:35

How realistic is the 'as friends' option? For example, do you have enough space for separate bedrooms? Is it alright for you both to see other people? How will your finances operate?

If you genuinely want to live together and co-parent platonically, this will bring its own issues. I know sometimes if you feel guilty about ending a relationship the 'as friends' option can see like it will minimise hurt to the other party, but it needs to be hashed out properly.

wewillmendit Tue 05-Aug-14 20:25:12

In response to your replies,
H is controlling, sulky, bit of a Disney dad and I feel more like his mother and housekeeper than his wife.
If I'm honest, I don't love him and haven't done for some time. We talked again and I brought up so much about our past that I know I have been bottling up. As did he.

Now I know that there is much resentment from us both and I know we cannot make this ok. So no, I am not giving him false hope as we now both know it is truly over sad

We have decided that we will continue to live in the same house until dd at least has a diagnosis. I am aware that this may take some time. But we seem to be getting on ok, and already h has stopped relying on me to do tasks for him.

We enjoy co parenting, although I am pretty sure that he won't have care of dd on a totally equal basis, but that is ok as long as dd is happy and secure.

No, we haven't a spare room that we can use as a bedroom, but with dd being awake in the night fairly regularly we often have a bed swap at some stage so think we can continue as we are for now.

I realise that h is more than happy with this arrangement as it is the easy option for him. But I am focused on getting dd in track so that she will be in a better place for when we do tell her about the split. It would be totally unfair on her to tell her at present.

I think it will be a bumpy ride when we do split. I told h that I had been thinking about looking for a rented property, and he implied that we can be friends as long as I am still in the house, I think it will be different if and when I move out with dd.

wewillmendit Fri 08-Aug-14 13:27:47

Hi. Things have now altered again. We spoke last night about the living together as friends and h is not taking on board what we have discussed.
He remains his usual moody controlling self, I don't even know why I am surprised.
So I have arranged to view a rented house next week.
I know that some posters have the view that dd and I should remain in our house, but I feel that this would just enable him to still have an element if control.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Aug-14 13:34:17

Well you are taking your future into your own hands and moving forward.
That is a good thing.
You can't remain in a house with someone like this.
It just doesn't work.
I had to live with my cheating ex for 6 months before he could move out.
It was hell on earth.
I hope the viewing goes well and you can move on.
You need to do what you feel is right for now.
The house can be sorted out later down the line.
For your own sanity you know you need to get away.

wewillmendit Fri 08-Aug-14 13:42:57

I really do! I'm not sleeping and work is stressful when I'm on top form let alone as I am now.
The most important thing is that I will be happier so dd will be too. A happy awake mummy is far better than the one she has right now.

I know it sounds shallow but I'm looking forward to having somewhere of my own, where I have chosen the furniture etc. H is so controlling even down to pictures on the wall! When I write that down it makes me sound pathetic sad

Jan45 Fri 08-Aug-14 14:01:42

Living together would never work, esp with a control freak like him.

You don't sound pathetic at all, he does.

No wonder you are happy at the prospect, you've made the first step, keep going.

He won't change so you do it.

Friends - with a bully, don't think so OP, stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and running everything past him, from now on, you trust and believe in yourself, you are more than capable.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Aug-14 14:19:36

It's not pathetic.
We do things to please others.
Controlling bullies are expert at making others do just that.
You know now and you're taking your life back.
Good for you!

wewillmendit Fri 08-Aug-14 19:46:17

Thanks both. The thing I'm dreading now is telling dd.
It will be hard to minimise the damage that I know h will cause. He, if course, is not the one at fault and intends to make sure that dd knows this.
I think we need to wait until I have somewhere else to go as once she knows it will be awful here.

Notexactlymarthastewart Sat 09-Aug-14 09:00:38

I know it sounds shallow but I'm looking forward to having somewhere of my own, where I have chosen the furniture etc. H is so controlling even down to pictures on the wall! When I write that down it makes me sound pathetic

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in, but you are taking positive steps for yourself and DD - I wish you good luck and hope DDs health issue turns out to be nothing serious.

After my ex left the marital home, one of the first things I did was to decorate the lounge and our my bedroom. Ex wouldn't allow me to wallpaper. I've got 3 rooms wallpapered now grin. I finally have a sideboard now too - I love it! It's amazing how much freedom there is in choosing things you want in your own home and seeing them every day will remind you of that. Best wishes x

wewillmendit Sat 09-Aug-14 20:18:09

Good on you Notexactly!
I am worried that h is increasing his behaviour. Last night he came in from work late and because dd was still up and playing he started in front of her.
And tonight she is in pain but he has ignores that and was saying to her she needs to go to sleep quickly so we can have tea.

How can I trust him to care for her properly when he has dd overnight? How will he cope when she is awake sometimes three and four times with pain? He never hears her now.
I don't want to make things worse as I want them to maintain their relationship but I don't see how he can have overnight care of her.

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