Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I think I'm going mad..(25 Posts)
I've namechanged as I'm on here all the time and changed the ages of DC as I know my good friends go on mumsnet and I feel very paranoid I'm going to get found out.
I'm a stay at home mom with DC who I will say they are around the 8yo and 5yo region. DH is away a lot with work but when he is home, he helps with looking after DC as well as the cooking and cleaning.
My DC are THOSE kids, the ones who are lively, naughty and loud. The ones that other parents roll their eyes at and thank the skies they are not theirs, this is paranoid I know and I feel ashamed to say it. All I've done every evening since they broke up from school last week is scold them (do not mean smacking) and criticise them as they've been rude and don't listen to me, squabble, don't go to sleep and think it's funny when I break down crying. I've tried the praise, reward, etc but they revert to type and cause me distress. I actually thought I could quite frankly put them up for adoption .
Tonight DH is back and during bath time he forgot to wash the conditioner out of DD hair. When I brought it up he raged at me and stormed downstairs like a petulant child. Few minutes later he came back up as youngest was crying for him and despite my insistence that I would once again deal with DC (as it always ends in tears with him around) he insisted he put youngest to bed. Whilst I was reading other DD a bedtime story, he rounded on me again that I need to get my act together and stop relying on him. This caused me to breakdown crying again.
The reason I feel I'm going mad is because I don't feel I have relied on him. I have been doing everything with regards to the house and family whilst he supports the house as breadwinner (his words). I'm worn out from the DC behaviour and what I feel is his unreasonable behaviour. We have so much on at weekends with weddings, birthdays and family get togethers I don't feel I have any time to think until very late at night like now.
This feels like a 'first world' problem, I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for, I think I just needed to vent as my head is crammed with so much sadness, stress and unhappiness. Life is shit for me at the moment.
You feel unsupported, undervalued and unloved. Children are so much harder to look after when you're filled with resentment when your partner doesn't pull their wait or at the very least show appreciation for what you do.
Sounds like you really need a break. Csn you go to your parents, away for the weekend with a friend. You would be better judging how to deal with the situation if you had a period of time without distraction and preferably support.
What DH said wasn't fair, no matter how cr@ppy a day he might have had. I also hope this sort of thing is the exception rather than the rule.
The thing about having THOSE kids is that even if it's hard work, they are more likely to enjoy exploring the world and learning when they are bigger.
Hope you get some time for yourself soon...
Don't beat yourself up your doing a great job. Men never understand what it is like. He is lucky to have you at home, I work full time but do 95% of child care. It's a strain for DH to put phone down or newspaper to give kids 30 mins of time. He is great when I am not there, and my first point is you need some me time away from the house.
As with kids keep a daily log only brief but try to look at where the problems are patterns of behaviour. If you punish, time out or they loose a treat follow it through. Also walk away from situation leave them safely to self calm. As parents we don't always have the answers. I bet you have a friend who is bloody perfect and always reminds you how bad you are doing. I know it may not be that easy but don't show them you have lost it. Kids are far brighter than we think. I think my two are adult life forms in tiny bodies.
Can you not ask for support from a family worker at sure start centre. I have just worked with one for 12 weeks, long story why but I almost had a breakdown and still struggling with low mood. Had my cry in private today. I am sure others will give better advice, but I wanted to respond as I can seriously empathise with you. Xxxxx
Thanks for your reply ilovelamp82.
Yes I do but cannot see any break from this on my own for a while. We are on holiday next week with friends. Dreading it as the DC are being exceptionally hard work, their DC are well behaved and angels in comparison.
Both sets of grandparents find it tiring to look after DC. I need techniques to cope with them as they seem to get worse as holiday weeks pass.
DH apologised before passing out on the sofa earlier. I feel really disconnected with him and put upon at the moment. Am feeling my head is all over the place, and upset.
Sorry I've just seen others comments, appreciate the support. Thanks.
I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown...DH keeps using the reason that his work is hard and he has to prioritise this over family otherwise we won't have roof over our head. I'm expected to do everything and I can't. I was diagnosed with depression earlier this year and received counselling and ADs but feel like my low mood has returned and he is not supportive.
As for DC, good suggestion of a daily log, currently it is bad disrespectful behaviour all the time!
Try not to compare. Your children might be hard work and spirited. But that may br because your children are going to grow up to be inquisitive, confident, secure adults. If you worry about their behaviour in advance they will likely pick up on it and you won't be able to relax at all. Children are children. They are on holiday, so long as they are safe and aren't rude try and not worry too much.
Hard though I know it is (and we've all had our moments, including your friends you're going on holiday with) try and get in a lot of positive reinforcement and make sure that your dh gives you support. It's your holiday too.
I'm sure that it's a vicious cycle of you being tired and stressed causing bad behaviour and around and around it goes.
I also sometimes think that children as you describe are lucky to feel so secure that they can act thr way they do. I grew up in such a strict household I was almost ready to apologise for things I hadn't done before they'd even occured. As a result I ended up with a controlling husband.
You really just sound like you need a rest. Everything ismagnified to the power of 100 when uyou're tired and stressed.
Your friends won't judge you for your kids behaviour. I'm sure you're probably hypersensitive to it too. If they do judge you they aren't your friends.
I have hope that makes sense, that was a biy of a ramble.
OP . Do you think your children are playing up because of the tension in the house? I reckon if you can improve things between you and your husband your kids may relax and behave better too.
Just read your other post. Again, living with someone that is supposed to be supporting you and isn't is so much harder than just doing it by yourself. Honestly!!!
Is it possible that your kids are picking up on the tension between you two and acting up?
Does your DH try to do anything to make life easier for younor are you just left to navigate do everything and then criticised for doing it incorrectly.
A holiday when he will be around the same amount of time as you means that you should have 50/50 support so you should have an opportunity to have a break and relax. Do you think thay will happen?
Sorry for all the mistakes. I'm on my phone and very tired.
Sorry for all the mistakes. I'm on my phone and very tired.
Thanks, I am worried that I'm causing self esteem issues for my DC particularly my eldest DD. I feel like I'm going to make them think my controlling, critical nature is normal.
Hopefully the holiday will help make things better. At the moment all I see are problems and issues.
I suppose I need to work through them.
Thanks for listening and letting me get things off my chest!
I haven't read the thread, only the opening post.
Forget the husband issue for now. Deal with him later when you're stronger.
Spend school holidays getting to know and love your children again. Make a schedule - 2 hours for household tasks, 2 hours for necessary errands, 2 hours for a fun activity of their choosing that doesn't cost money (maybe one paid-for activity a week if that's practicable), and do all those things together. Rope them in on your work and errands and thank and praise them for helping.
When you get miserable and fed up of them, all have baths and go to bed, no matter what the time of day. If they come to snuggle in with you, read books together. (Sally, if you're reading, your advice when we were seven about how to re-love a doll still holds true. I used it frequently when child-rearing.)
This is the part of your life that really matters. If your children are happy, you will be much happier, too.
honestly if i was you i would walk out the door tomorrow evening as he walks in it and not walk back through that door till monday morning. let him deal with them for a weekend and see how much you supposedly 'rely on him'
just walk out and go anywhere for the weekend with your phone switched off and a note on the kitchen table saying i'll be back monday for you to go to work.
I suspect you've got THOSE kids because you've got THAT husband. If they see him treat you with zero respect, they'll copy it.
The way I deal with children's negative behaviour (dd age 11, ds age 8 and dss age 5), is to tell them that when they behave 'badly' that they take away some of my energy and so they can put the energy back by doing a chore. I expect them all to help out as I explain that inorder for our family to function properly everyone hast to pull their weight.
I refuse point blank to argue with anyone under 18, I am happy to discuss, listen etc but will not be drawn into a conflict.
I hope that you gain some equilibrium this summer hols, stay calm and realise that your dc's actions are not personal to you as such, they are testing boundaries, keep your boundaries strong and in place.
With regards to your dh, do not make things a contest, try not to enter blame cycle. Talk to him about how you feel, ask him how he feels, listen to each other. You are a team and you need to stand firm infront of the dc.
Are you children badly behaved? If so try these tips to make your life easier.
Cut out as much processed food as you can. Ie sweeties, juice, pop. Honestly some junk sends kids wild. I've seen it with my own.
Are your kids over tired. Have a set bedtime 6.30-7.00.
Bad behaviour, make rules and stick to them, make a threat carry it out. Naughty step, removal if favourite toy etc. give kids and inch they take a mile.
Your dh, you set the bar in regards to how he treats you. Put your foot down. Make it clear what you want and how that going to need to happen.
When on your holiday suggest that you and your dh take turns in being responsible for the dc. So you do an hour and he does an hour.
I'm not criticising your parental skills here btw just trying to be helpful.
i was thinking it was thursday but it's friday so i'd be walking out tonight as soon as he walks in.
don't be fooled - it's drastic action that demonstrates you won't take this shit or more of the same forever.
You need to seek professional support. Go to your doctor and ask for a referral to counselling. Do something for you and out yourself first. You may also get ADs which might help in the short term.
There is no shame in struggling to cope and you need to deal with it at an early stage.
If your husband continues to fail to support you the you will be better able to deal with that issue later once you have looked after yourself.
Your Kids need to see consistency. Hard I know. But I say organise their lives with things to do constantly. Then stick to the plan. Have the whole day mapped out and make sure it involves time outside and no junk food. I know it sounds exhausting but it us actually easier than dealing with constant bad behaviour.
I agree he needs to see what it is like to mind the children and house without you.
Take a breather. Get away for the weekend. You need time to centre / find yourself.
You're not relying on him, he's relying on you.
If his tantrums above are representative of his behaviour generally, then I'm not surprised your kids misbehave. The problem here is him.
Oh yeah - just leaving him to it for the weekend sounds like a great idea.
Please try and do it.
Get yourself some love and rest!
Yes to leaving him to it, even if just for 1 night to get yourself a break.
It was unfair what he said and I'm not surprised you feel unsupported.
With the kids - I had 3 all born within 4 years and it was awful when they played up and wouldn't listen. It wasn't until I stopped the begging, pleading, shouting and the idle threats that things really started to change. E.g - Instead of warning for the 20th time that hour that I'd send them upstairs, switch off Tv, take them home or whatever I'd tell them once then follow it through if they didn't listen.
It takes patience and persistence and ideally you need the support of their Df but it honestly really worked.
I also found consequences have to be immediate.
Tell them once in a quiet voice (ie not shouting) and if they continue follow through with the threat immediately.
However, as long as your husband 'rages' and 'storms' like a 'petulant child', and 'it always ends in tears with him around' - it's going to be very difficult to get the kids to behave, as they are simply following his example.
Thanks all for the really useful suggestions. Today I took them to the local park and woods and although we got soaked they had a great time and I got lots of cuddles and 'love you mummy' which made me feel happier than I did last night. I think you are right about routine and outdoors, I didn't feel like I was screeching and shouting as much.
I will try and be more consistent with my consequences, I am always using threats but never carry them out immediately. Need to do that more, how does everyone manage when in company e.g a party? Do you leave if they are naughty?
As for DH I would love to have walked out this weekend but have settled for time in the bath. I think things got on top of me last night, hence the need to vent. We have major relationship issues again I think, but that is another thread. I think I need to focus on re-connecting with my DC as holidays have felt really stressful with them winding me up.
I appreciate the help and support here on mumsnet, thank you x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.