Name changed for this - but am a long time lurker on the relationships board, trying to learn whether I'm capable of a LTR. This situation isn't as bad as many, but I need some help to get my thoughts in order.
I'm in my 30s, DH is 50, married a year and together for 3. It's his 2nd marriage; he has 3 children in their 20s. When we met, we had a casual sexual relationship. My life was going badly, I was self harming (including using sex tbh). Since we've been together I've done a lot of work on myself, through a year of individual counselling, good female friends and making my life worth something again. When we first got together I was really broken - I'd given a baby up for adoption believing I'd never make a fit mother, and I thought I'd never get back to my career. DH was supportive, caring and we have had brilliant times together. I feel disloyal writing this. When we argue he gets angry and won't believe he is wrong, ever, I always make the first move towards compromise. I need to get my head straight before I talk to him.
The first issue is sex - I feel really objectified. When we met I was doing all sorts with DH, dogging/ webcams/ other people. I now see this as an extension of my self harm, making myself feel worthless. We've not done anything like that for 18 months - but DH brings it up every time we have sex - and often at other times, eg. Every time we go away. For a weekend or holiday he looks up all the dogging sites and if I'm wearing a skirt, he suggests we could always have sex in the back of the car somewhere. Also when I'm getting dressed he'll look at me with this smile/growl that he says is him fantasising what he'd like to do to me.
It means we only have sex about once a week, although if he didn't always talk about how other men would have me while he watches, I would want it more often. I've told him this, and that I've changed and that those things were emotionally damaging to me - he's stopped pushing me to do it, to be fair, but doesn't seem to be able to not fantasise out loud and it's reinforcing my negative views of myself.
Secondly, since I've returned to work in my previous professional training job, he's changed from supportive to always having digs at me. Previously I was a driven high achiever with high standards and I burned myself out and ended up in a psychiatric unit and with permanent effects of self harm. Since coming back I'm taking it steadier, going home early if I'm finished and allowed, and it's helping as I've been really tired. He's making digs about my work ethic and professionalism, and how he'd work much harder to make a good impression in a new job. But he is self employed, in commission only sales, with limited initiative. I out earn him, pay the rent and almost all the bills, whilst he runs the car. I've been grateful as his flexibility has enabled him to support me through appointments and my recovery. I feel like battling my own guilt and self esteem. Issues is tough enough without being kicked when I'm down. Maybe it's a storm in a teacup that will settle down.
When I've mentioned finances to him he's accused me of 'using' him to look after me, in an "after all I've done for you" way. Maybe I have.
I feel lost and confused, hence posting. Should I suggest couples counselling? Or will things settle down and change, are these minor issues that occur in every marriage, am I being a drama queen??
Thank you if you have read this far!
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Relationships
Feeling objectified and criticised
theeyeofthestorm · 31/07/2014 12:58
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