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What do I do?

(24 Posts)
Haveimiscarried Thu 31-Jul-14 07:40:48

I'm not really sure why I'm posting. I'm just in a bit of a mess I think.

I wrote a post in a different topic in June asking if my symptoms were likely to be a miscarriage. It turns out it was.

DP wasn't the best support when it happened, but I think he tried and just wasn't really sure how to handle me. I put on a brave face and in a man's world, I think that means everything is fine.

I told him I had a doctor's appointment the other day, and he didn't really show much interest, so I left it.

However, we ended up having a huge argument last night (in public) when we were out with friends. I'm not really even sure what the argument was about now, but he was basically telling me he's struggling with commitment. It ended really badly, and he told me to leave I stormed off. I then text him, giving him the option of coming to talk to me seriously. He came to meet me, but he was just messing around making jokes, and not talking about the argument. I told him we could either have a sensible conversation, or I would walk away. He carried on 'joking' so I walked away.

I've just arrived at work this morning, burst into tears at my boss when she asked how my night was, and she's given me the morning off.

I'm going away with work for a while today, so she suggested I try to meet him before I go so it's not left on such a bad note. I haven't heard from him though, and I feel like he should be grovelling. I feel like he should be asking ME to meet up today to sort it.

I just feel so sad and I don't know what to do. I think I'm too fragile to be able to talk to him today without bursting into tears.sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jul-14 08:02:08

It sounds like there has been too much going on since June that has been left unsaid. You put on a brave face over the miscarriage, he's making jokes. When everyone's avoiding the difficult conversations, that's when resentment can build up and spill over. Relationships are easy when there's fair weather. In a crisis, a good relationship will still be good but a bad one will fall apart. Having experienced this one crisis he's got doubts about the future of the relationship and I think so do you.

I would suggest that you leave things just as they are, go do your work and take the time apart to think properly.

Haveimiscarried Thu 31-Jul-14 08:30:52

I think you're right. I adore him, but I don't feel appreciated or cared for.
I think part of me wants it to work because I'm terrified of being 'out there' on my own again.
We are great together when times are great, but like you say, in bad times a bad relationship fails.
Everyone keeps telling me that I have seen his true colours, so I should be glad that I have the chance to go out and meet someone who really appreciates me. I just don't feel glad. sad

Vivacia Thu 31-Jul-14 08:46:11

Have you heard from him? Is he at work?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jul-14 08:49:33

Of course you don't feel glad. It's never a good thing to see the person you think you love behaving in an unloveable way. If you've invested a lot of emotion, up to and including nearly having a baby with the man, then it's a wrench to think that you might have to end it. All normal.

But if you don't feel appreciated or cared for, you have to listen to your misgivings. If this is how he relates to you when you're just starting out, this is probably as good as he gets. If this is how he copes with a crisis, is it good enough? You have the opportunity to think this through while you're away. Work out what it is you want in a partner and judge him against it based on the person he actually is.... rather then any thoughts that he might change. Also think through the advantages of being single again.

Pinkfrocks Thu 31-Jul-14 08:52:41

His reaction to your mc ( so sorry) seems to be saying that it brought him up sharply to being an adulthood- the potential to be a father, the responsibility and commitment it involves.
It sounds- sadly- as if he is not ready for that.
Maybe- and this is awful for you and sorry- that he is secretly glad about the miscarriage because he wasn't ready. (Not sure if it was a planned baby but even if it was, the reality can be different.)
It may also have given him a wake up call to evaluate your relationship.

It's understandable if you think about this why he's playing the fool and larking about- too painful for him to admit and too hurtful to say to you.

Sorry- but I think you have to accept that the signs aren't great.

mzzzf Thu 31-Jul-14 08:58:10

The fact that he hasn't made any contact with you since you walked off last night is really telling. Don't lower yourself to invite him to meet up, he should be offering the olive branch and making the effort and if he's not doing that he either doesn't think he should or understand that he should - either way that's not the kind of man I'd want to be with.

Chin up lovely! It's a bit of a shitter to be honest but as your mates have said its good to see what he's really like. Yep being back at the start of the monopoly board is crap but you just might land on Mayfair this time round!!!

Haveimiscarried Thu 31-Jul-14 09:53:09

Viv, I haven't heard from him. He works from home.

To be honest, when I miscarried he said he was relieved. We had been trying but then stopped as I got a new job, but we fell accidentally pregnant and I didn't know about it until I miscarried. He actually said that if we'd have known, he probably would have suggested abortion, which shocked me because we had wanted it a few months before, but I thought he just meant because of my job etc. looking back now, I should have seen what he was implying then.


Love the Mayfair analogy though! I'm so glad I've booked a spa break while I am away with work...

Haveimiscarried Thu 31-Jul-14 09:54:30

His friends have been messaging asking if I'm alright, but not him!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jul-14 09:56:11

There's no future with this man, sorry. He sounds incredibly immature and totally crass. Who in their right mind tells a woman that was a) trying for a baby and b) has had a miscarriage that they would have suggested abortion? hmm Disgusting.

Haveimiscarried Fri 01-Aug-14 12:24:54

I stupidly text him to say sorry. Please all come and tell me I'm an idiot!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Aug-14 12:45:38

I don't think you need anyone here to insult you. Sounds as though you realise it was a mistake to capitulate. We've all been there... smile All I'd say is that, just because you've apologised, it doesn't mean you have to follow through. You are allowed to change your mind.

Jan45 Fri 01-Aug-14 12:49:07

Stop making the moves, he knows you will run after him, don't, only then will you really know his level of `commitment`.

Yambabe Fri 01-Aug-14 12:52:55

No easy way to say this, but he is trying to break up with you. Or rather, kin typical coward fashion, he's trying to make you break up with him.

He has already told you, by the sound of it fairly bluntly, that he doesn't think he wants the same things as you any more (commitment and children)

You have tried to discuss and compromise and he's not interested, he is taking it lightly and joking around.

You have even apologised (for what? ffs) and he is still cutting you off. There is no future in this relationship and however much it hurts you need to start looking out for yourself and getting your head round a life without him.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Fri 01-Aug-14 12:57:19

havei in your own mind what exactly do you feel like you need to apologize for?

I can see a lot of similarities in your relationship and one of my DDs.
She was with someone for several years. Outsiders didn't think it was the right relationship for her but she was determined not to see it and a large element of that was her hellbent on fixing it so it would be what she wanted it to be, rather than what it actually was. I think she was also scared to be back on her own.

They broke up. She was devastated. It took a little while but finally she admitted that she had known in her heart of hearts that he wasn't right for her.
The longer she stayed with him though, the less chance she had of finding someone who was a good fit.

My relationship advice is always think about the very worst traits in your partner and if you're happy enough to live with those, then you'll be fine. We can all be happy in the good times with the positive character traits, but it's when the chips are down that it really matters.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 01-Aug-14 12:57:44

Follow up that "sorry" with sent too soon...Sorry we are done.

Apologies for being so blunt.

Agree with pps on the immaturity. You are already light years beyond him on the scale of emotional intelligence/maturity. You are an adult, he isn't: not compatible.

Having pals text you instead of contacting you himself? Is he 12 9?

Pause, breathe and think to overcome the reflex to apologize, give in, minimize, excuse, ignore, "being nice" because you can not bear anyone thinking you are not nice. This is a boundary to preserve your own sanity and general mental health.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 01-Aug-14 13:09:49

You're an idiot.

Does that help?

Seriously, even if you didn't split up, is this the sort of support you want for the rest of your life?

>brewing some coffee, can you smell it from there?

Haveimiscarried Fri 01-Aug-14 16:15:14

Enrique, I felt I should apologise for nagging I suppose, for wanting answers. We always seem to fall out when I start getting impatient.

AndTheBand - he didn't get his friends to text me. They were in the pub with us when we argued, so checked up on me probably without him knowing.

I do know now that it would never work with him. I think I would be constantly fearful that he would change his mind even if we did ever get back together, and that's not the life I want. But I miss him already, and I will find it so hard to tell him 'no' if he ever comes back. I really, REALLY, want somebody who will appreciate everything I am, and for him to feel lucky to be with me. That's what I would want for the people I love, so I should want it for myself too.

But at the moment, that person doesn't exist. And with the choice of either him or no one, 'him' always wins. I need to just work on being happy on my own.

Thank you everyone for being so kind and wise, by the way!

Jan45 Fri 01-Aug-14 16:19:59

Definitely you do, you don't need half a man to justify your life, love yourself and enjoy being in control of you!

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 01-Aug-14 16:45:49

But at the moment, that person doesn't exist.

With all due respect, you have no idea whether this is true or not...the person probably does exist, many of those people probably exist - you just haven't met them yet.

When you try to force or rush a relationship, and kids - it often doesn't work. Please try to just like yourself first.

Haveimiscarried Fri 01-Aug-14 16:58:45

When I say doesn't exist, I mean that person doesn't exist in my life right now. As in, I haven't met them yet.

I haven't forced him into things. He always brings them up first, but then goes back on them. So he will suggest something, then I will go with it, then later he will change his mind. I don't know why he suggests things if he doesn't really want them, but kids etc was always his idea. Hence the shock when he mentioned abortion.

hamptoncourt Fri 01-Aug-14 17:18:13

OP whilst you are away have a good think about why you are so afraid of being single.

Being single has many advantages grin

Chances are heavily on your favour that you will meet a far better man than the dipstick you are getting crumbs from now, but even if you didn't, I cannot see how you wouldn't be happier alone.

I think if you work on your self esteem you will end up embarrassed you ever went out with this jerk.

SweetErmengarde Fri 01-Aug-14 17:59:04

Agreed OP, ditch this louse and never look back!

enriquetheringbearinglizard Fri 01-Aug-14 18:46:47

He's not the right man OP and now you know that, you've worked it out for yourself.

He's not good enough for you and he's certainly not good enough or ready to be a father. Imagine your disappointment and confusion at how he's treated you through the eyes of a child. If that doesn't strengthen your resolve then nothing will.

It is scary to suddenly realize that you're on your own and not part of a couple, but not as scary IMO as being let down and lonely when you're within a relationship.
You're in a horrible position right now so be gentle with yourself and I promise that things will soon start looking up and you'll wonder why on earth you ever wavered thanks

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