Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Married into a lie. Is it even worth saving?(102 Posts)
This might be long, so I am equally warning and apologizing to you all in advance.
I married young, at the age of 18 the summer after graduating high school. My husband was a high school sweetheart who joined the USAF and he was assigned to a base out of state. My parents couldn't afford to help me out with college due to their divorce issues and I was never encouraged to apply for scholarships, so I chose to marry my husband early because he promised he could help me pay for my schooling and at the time he was perfect and I was in love and didn't believe in long distance relationships. Due to a lifetime of cheating, physical abuse, and fighting between my parents I - upon numerous occasions - told my husband while we were dating and after our marriage, that I could never forgive someone who cheated because if you cheat it means you never loved the person to begin with. I stand by this still, very strongly. We have been married four years to date and we have been through so much struggle. To start, my husband had a meltdown at the wedding. My family was worried but everyone assured me he was only worried about his vows not being up to par. So we continued the wedding, starting 20 mins late. As I walked down the aisle he stared at me like he was about to end his life. That was my sign that something was wrong. I watched him carefully during the ceremony and when he began to smile I relaxed thinking he was still worried about his vows. The rest of the wedding was great. Then, we got into a fight on our honeymoon because my father tricked us... he decided his wedding gift to us would be our honeymoon. We were told we would be at a beautiful hotel in the city where they had carriage rides and numerous events, etc. Low and behold, we ended up having a two star airport hotel and he ordered us a room that had two beds. I was furious, but stayed calm whereas my husband threw a fit and began personally attacking me. I spent the better portion of that night crying in a bathroom. We had makeup sex and continued the marriage.
I moved with him to his military base and all was well. I got pregnant a few months in because my birth control failed and after that our marriage was a roller coaster. I'll share only a few events that made up the rocky parts of that roller coaster...
1. His friends were going to throw him into the pool at a cookout. They made the conscious effort to remove his pocket contents and phone, and after throwing him in he got out of the pool in an uproar because he didn't want to get wet. He stomped home and ripped his shirt throwing it on the ground. Then he went inside and threw the coffee table across the room and punched a dent into the fridge. I was terrified and called friends over to stay with me after he left and walked miles away enough to have to be picked up by a friend. This was my first slice of unnatural behavior and I was so confused I didn't do anything.
2. Picking a baby name was literal torture. Every name I picked was never good enough because he could name one person who had the same name that he hated. He would often pick fights with me about it and in the end I had no say in my only daughter's first and middle name.
3. He kicked me out of our apartment one night when I was 7 months pregnant because I wouldn't apologize to him for something miniscule. I was locked out for two hours and couldn't even sit in my car, so to stay warm I walked to a nearby park by myself thinking some type of exercise would keep me warm. You might say, why not just say sorry? Well I soon did, but apparently he didn't believe me.
Upon my due date, and an excessive amount of time begging my husband to be in the room with me while I delivered - he didn't want to because of anxiety and he thought it would be gross - he finally accepted. This was important to me because he was the father and due to us being in another state, I had no other family around. He was an absolute nightmare. He actually picked a fight with me in front of the nurses because he wanted me to pick the fastest and most painful inducement, but I picked another option. He said I had no respect for him and left me alone at the hospital for two hours, then came back only to ignore me and fall asleep on the couch in the delivery room. I spent thirteen hours going through labor by myself. He finally got up right at the end trying to present a good spouse to the new nurses. I felt so betrayed by him I told myself that I would never trust him again. Then my daughter came and my anger was offset by seeing my first child. He acted like that night never happened after that, because - as he said just last year when I confronted him - he "thought I wasn't mad anymore". I think my relationship with him forever changed after that. I no longer dream of having more kids with him for fear of being disappointed, and I never want to pick baby names with him ever again either. He ruined the experience of my first pregnancy and wasn't there when I needed him most. He rarely ever helped me with the baby. I was the only one to wake up with her at night and I was the only one to change her diapers. He would go out with friends and never ask me if I wanted to go and he would assume I couldn't because of the baby. OUR baby!
Fast forward to last year, we had an incident of near spousal abuse. He held me down on the bed with a fist in front of my face threatening to hit me if I didn't shut up. He also threatened to take our daughter far away so I could never see her again. This all happened in front of his parents who were worried but told me not to purposely push his buttons because his anger was so bad. I can't remember what the fight was about but I know for a fact it was something both of us didn't agree on. I started seeing a therapist/counselor at my school who was very sexist and I felt like I had to take everything she said with a grain of salt. He didn't see one because he already did that when I was pregnant so he "didn't have to do it again".
I also found out last year, thanks to my best friend telling me, that my husband and her had sexual relations while we were dating, engaged, and on his bachelor night. My best friend and my husband. They both lied to me for four years. I felt so betrayed more than ever before. She told me it only happened once and my husband was drunk but after confronting my husband he told me more of the truth... that she and him had sex more than once. Although in his story they were both drunk and his excuse for the bachelor night was that he was wasted and his brother sent her in to talk and it "just happened" like I'm sure the other times did as well. -.- He cried and told me he felt horrible about it and thats why he saw his therapist while I was pregnant. He said he had never cheated on me while we were married, but due to certain texts he sent his friend while I was pregnant saying he would "fuck the girl in his college class if he weren't married" suggest to me otherwise. I took him back only because I didn't know what to do. We had makeup sex and I felt terrible during it.
Since I found out, he has changed a little. He only had an angry fit once since then when he threw the trashcan and its contents across the room because I told him he was a cheater and a liar. The only complaint I have now is that he plays video games all day long. He will stay up until 6 in the morning playing games like counterstrike and WOW and then sleep in until 4 in the afternoon. Once he wakes up he is back on the computer. Some days he doesn't even get up to use the bathroom.. he just pees in a cup and leaves it on his desk. I am not a very clean person myself - I have to force myself to clean the house and it takes me forever to do the laundry - but, at least I actually use the bathroom. I have discussed this to him before and I did see improvement for a week, but then he just fell back into the same routine.
I just don't know what to do anymore. We are both full time college students since he got out of the military, and sometimes its good but more times it is empty. He never wants to go out and spend money, he doesn't agree with my parenting and thinks spanking and fear solve everything. I think now I'm just not happy with him at all and I still care about him, but after everything that has happened... my trust is gone, I don't want more kids with him, and even though we always have things to talk about there is just no substance in the marriage. I thought that I had forgiven him for cheating on me, but now sometimes I will be doing dishes or taking a shower and then I'll just start thinking about his dishonesty and her with him and the years I went being clueless and it turns me off to a bitter end. We still have the same bed they had sex on and that disheartens me as well. I don't want him to touch me at that point and I shut myself up in the room so I won't have to talk to him until I feel better. He rarely pays attention to this. To him, I am happy and have fully forgiven him. He thinks I can just move on like it never happened. I know he can't read minds, but how can he move on like that so easily and expect me to do the same? It hasn't even been a full year since I found out.
I just don't know if this marriage is worth saving anymore. I don't feel like I am living and everyday is the same routine over and over again. I try to get him to do things outside but he never budges at my will. He'll only go out if it is his idea. I stay in this marriage because of my daughter who is 3, and because of the stability of the relationship (I have no job or money of my own because I am finishing up my degree... shameful I know) and fear of the unknown. My daughter can understand when there is tension and I would hate to ruin her childhood by getting a divorce. He has never been abusive to her aside from punishment and spankings. To be honest though, if she weren't in the situation, I would have left him in a heartbeat. What would you do if you were in my situation? Any advice/help is appreciated. I don't have any friends or family I can turn to for honest and grounded advice.
I am astounded that you have to ask.
You really need to end this 'relationship' with this man for your own sake and safety and for your daughter.
On a practical level, I'm sure other posters will be of great help in the advice they offer you. Good luck leaving.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You need to leave this man. Seriously. He's an abusive, manipulative, threatening bully who has no respect or love for you.
I would hate to ruin her childhood by getting a divorce
You will not ruin her childhood by doing this. You will damage her by staying with an abusive man.
Wishing you all the best.
What state are you in? Many have good welfare in place for just such situations.
Leave and take your daughter with you.
1. Report your thread and have it moved to Relationships, there are a lot of people there who will be able to offer support and advice.
2. Get out of the relationship, your H is an emotionally and physically abusive nightmare and it will be adversely affecting your DD.
I can't offer a great deal in the way of should you work on your marriage advice, but I can say do not stay together purely for the sake of your daughter. I say this as the child of parents who divorced, but only after a decade and a half of toxic relationship, none of us thanked them for it. The only thing it did was burden us with a sense of guilt and give us very wrong ideas of what marriage should look like.
I really feel that seeing a half decent therapist would help you think rationally about your situation and if you have any good friends then asking for their help would also be a good idea. I think if you truly want to salvage your relationship then marriage guidance should also be looked into.
I would be very nervous of keeping my daughter in close proximity to a man with such a violent temper, what if one day he decided to throw her across the room in his temper?
My daughter can understand when there is tension and I would hate to ruin her childhood by getting a divorce.
This bastard you're married to believes spanking and fear solves everything and you're scared divorcing him is going to ruin her childhood??? I've never said this before but LTB. Now, before he tramples you down even more and takes your daughter with you.
Oh gosh, you need to get out. I'm so sorry. There is no benefit to you staying married to this guy. You mentioned the stability of marriage, but your husband is not a stable person.
You deserve to be happy, and to be treated with respect. Your daughter deserves better too. Staying married will not be good for her.
Do you think he might get violent if you end it?
It sounds like a toxic relationship. He sounds like an abusive, immature arsehole. You are both so young! Get out while you can.
There's no question here - this man is abusive and you will be much better off without him. Get some help and get out. Your life doesn't need to be like this and staying with him will be much worse for your child in the long run.
Please, please get out now.
The longer you leave it the harder it will be for both you and your daughter.
"He's not bad with her - just punishment and spankings"
She is 3 years old. How much worse do you think he will be when she hits the tween stage and is full of hormones and answering back? My DD is 10 & generally lovely and I'm very laid back but it can still be extremely challenging.
You are so very young, and clearly intelligent - don't throw yourself & your precious DD away on this excuse for a man - you both deserve so much better.
I know nothing about US law or welfare, but I hope very much that you are in one of the state's that offers good support as a pp suggested, and I wish you all the very best .
If I were you I would leave, and I would be on my own for a few years before having another relationship, maybe with some therapy or maybe just living your life. It must be exhausting carrying all this stuff around with you.
I very rarely say this but get your self out of this relationship.
He is an abusive wanker who only wants to play PC games. This isn't what you want your dd to grow up like thinking this type of relationship is normal.
You need to.leave him. You deserve so.much better and have probably forgotten that.
He's a stupid abusive cunt love.
Get yourself and your dd away from him ASAP.
Get help from the authorities. He doesn't deserve either of you in his sad pathetic life.
This isn't "near spousal abuse" as you says it IS spousal abuse. If you want your daughter to have a good childhood avoiding a divorce is not the answer, leaving your H is the answer. This is a toxic environment for all of your but especially your daughter.
Get out. He is abusive.
Your daughter will be far better off outside of this environment, than growing up witnessing and recieving abuse.
You can call the Domestic Violence Hotline for advice, whatever state you're in. 1-800-799-7233
Make sure you clear your internet history too.
Please leave, he's abusing you and your DD - you need to leave. Once you don't have to deal with him any more you'll realise how good life can be.
And your 'friend' is not your friend, please get yourself sorted and then get rid of her. She might have told you but she still did it.
Good luck OP, you'll feel so much better once you're away from that waste of space and so will your DD.
Sorry but I class 'spanking' as abuse, so he has abused your daughter.
I don't know where people get the idea that an unhappy marriage is a better situation for a child than divorced parents. I really don't get that.
He's a prick. Who pees in a cup FFS? Get rid.
You married four years ago at 18 so that makes you 22. Sweetheart, you've got your whole life ahead of you. You cannot seriously want to spend it with such a manipulative, abusive tosser as your husband seems to be.
Be brave- believe in your own self worth and leave him for the sake of your daughter and for the sake of your own dignity and happiness. You WILL end up leaving him at some point. Don't delay the inevitable.
Wishing you luck and praying for you.
OP, my mother left my father when I was 2.
He never laid a hand on me but he was violent, abusive and dismissive of her and her feelings, thoughts and values.
She left because she didn't want me to grow up thinking that this was normal both for a man and in a relationship.
You WILL NOT ruin her childhood by staying but there is a high chance that you will (or HE will, I should say) if you don't leave now.
You are both worth more than this man.
Wow I read this thinking it was so bad it had to be a wind up. Who would stay with someone that awful.
Seeing you've only told us a few of the highlights I suggest, like the others, you consider leaving him. It won't get any better.
Please leave this man if not for your own sake, for your DC.
Thank you for all of the advice everyone. I have been seriously thinking about getting a divorce. I guess I am just scared at his reaction. One event I didn't add - which I probably should have - is that one night he got really drunk when we were out on a date and he got really aggressive. We got home and I was angry at him for forcing his way into the drivers seat, and he was so crazy he went to grab his gun out of his safe to "kill himself" and I grabbed the keys and ran. He went so far as to chase me in his car. I stayed at my moms for the night and my daughter was staying a few days at my grandparents, so neither of us were home. During this time away, he constantly messaged me saying that if he killed himself it would be my fault because I wasn't there for him in his time of need. I am just so done with dealing with all of this!
It makes it even harder because to everyone else he seems normal. His parents only think he has anger issues, and his friends think he "doesn't get enough love". They don't see what I see and what I live with. My husband is SO GOOD at conversation and convincing, often times he makes me feel like everything is my fault. This is why I stayed for so long, because he kept turning the tables and in the end I would feel as though I had pushed his buttons or I had caused the fight. It is truly lonely living with a mess of a husband when everyone - even your own family - think that he is a saint. I've constantly been told not to overreact, but thankfully you guys KNOW and UNDERSTAND what I am going through. Even if he doesn't act this way all the time, the times that he has it has been frightening. I agree that I need to get my daughter and I out.
Thank you so much.
Join the discussion
Please login first.