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Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids. Ever.

(93 Posts)
AnyonesGhost Wed 30-Jul-14 17:00:55

Hi all,

First time on this board, with a question I am sure you have seen 100s of times.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, living with each other for a little over 2. He has always been back and forth on children but was kind of in the middle. I have always wanted a child, which he knows. I am 30 and he is 32.

Last Summer his 7 year old daughter moved in with us from across the country (her mother got into trouble and lost custody). I take care of her like she was my own, but she constantly makes sure to tell me that I'm not really her mom or really her stepmom. Anyway, he and his daughter are really close and he loves having her around. I thought this would push him over the edge of wanting another child within a few years. This has somehow triggered the exact opposite reaction. Yesterday in conversation he told me that since his daughter gets jealous very easily, it would be hard and unfair on HER if we had a child because she wouldn't be the focus of attention. Also he feels bad of the issues she is having because her mother lost custody (he and his ex broke up before their daughter was born. If you met her you would know why haha). He also brings up the 'we cant afford them' card, even though we could. We both have good paying and steady jobs. I get a lot of "I want my child to be spoiled" but I am like "What about OUR child?". Yesterday he flat out told me he doesn't want another child and doesn't want to hold me back if I do. He is tired of discussing it and that he is 100% sure.

I really don't know what to do. Yes I want a family, but I dont want to lose him at the same time. We've built a home together. A life together. It is not that easy to walk away. It is also not that easy to wonder. I have never loved someone as much as I do him, and I feel I regret my decision either way.

Any advice? I am feeling hopeless.

ReallyTired Wed 30-Jul-14 17:03:43

I am sorry that you are going through this. Its hard, but I think you need to accept that the relationship is over and go your seperate ways.

2cats2many Wed 30-Jul-14 17:05:07

Leave now and find someone who wants the same as you. Definitely don't spend any more of your fertile years with this guy.

hamptoncourt Wed 30-Jul-14 17:07:10

I would leave, sorry.

Your feelings are unlikely to change. Neither are his. You will end up resenting him and DD which is unfair on all of you.

It's easy for him to say he doesn't want a child he already has one. You are 30, so the longer you let this drag on the worse your chances of having a child are.

He seems to have made it clear he isn't that bothered about losing you over it, although I wonder who will look after his DD.

You are feeling hopeless for a reason. thanks

Vitalstatistix Wed 30-Jul-14 17:08:11

sadly, you can't have both. He is very clear on that and he has the right to not want more children and it would be unforgivable to force a child on anyone who does not want one.
However, you have the absolute right to want children.

Fact is, you have to choose. This man and no child of your own, or leave him and try to meet someone that you love and who wants children.

Things are what they are. He has been very clear with you. It's down to you now. What do you choose? You need to think very carefully about what you want, what matters most to you.

Branleuse Wed 30-Jul-14 17:12:35

hes told you, and hes told you that he doesnt want to hold you back. Thats pretty clear. Youre still young. Cut your losses. I know its not easy, but there isnt really a compromise here and youll regret not having a child later if you only stay childless for him

trikken Wed 30-Jul-14 17:21:40

It'd be a deal breaker for me im afraid. You both want different things, if you stay and he doesn't change his mind then you will grow to resent him.

Nomama Wed 30-Jul-14 17:22:11

Now you know.

Your turn to make a decision, him and his daughter or strike out and find someone else and have your own children.

If his decision is a deal breaker then take him up on his kind offer, he seems to have been quite plain in telling you where you stand. Don't be held back, leave!

Welliesandpyjamas Wed 30-Jul-14 17:25:20

Move on. He has told you clearly. And you have told him clearly too, presumably. It's sad but inevitable. Your happiness as a mother is out there, don't waste time hoping he will change his mind.

hamptoncourt Wed 30-Jul-14 17:26:53

What's the betting if you tell him you are off he will change his mind and say maybe he might think about having kids, perhaps some time in the future..............just to keep you hanging around until you think you have left it too late.

Bowlersarm Wed 30-Jul-14 17:27:47

I would leave too. Easier said than done, but I think you'll end up resenting him.

He has a child; and is denying you the chance of having what he has. He is a parent, but not allowing you to be one.

violetwellies Wed 30-Jul-14 17:30:26

Sorry, go. He has made his position abundantly clear.

PopularNamesInclude Wed 30-Jul-14 17:32:43

Sorry, but you need to leave. This is not a difference you can resolve.

FabULouse Wed 30-Jul-14 17:34:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MollySolverson Wed 30-Jul-14 17:35:05

Be thankful he has finally made this clear when you're still young and have time. Leave now and find someone who wants what you want.

Bustarhymes Wed 30-Jul-14 17:40:10

He means it when he says no more kids. If you 'accidentally' get pregnant, he's bound to run out on you.

At barely 30, you've got years ahead to get someone a) who wants to be a father b) nicer.

picnicbasketcase Wed 30-Jul-14 17:41:24

He has told you he doesn't want any other children because his DD would be jealous and he wouldn't be able to spoil her as much, and his DD doesn't treat you with much respect by the sounds of it. Apart from having a home together,

picnicbasketcase Wed 30-Jul-14 17:42:34

Oops, posted by accident. Apart from having a home together, why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming features? Are those features enough to keep you happy whilst being denied the chance to have your own children?

CharlieSierra Wed 30-Jul-14 17:43:57

The relationship is effectively over. He's made his position clear and you should listen to him. There is no way to compromise on this. Don't dither, leave now while you have fertile years left. Sorry. flowers

Twinklestein Wed 30-Jul-14 17:46:11

He's very clear that he doesn't want more kids. You are very clear that you do. You are under no obligation to bring up someone else's child. So leave him to it and find a man who does want them.

100 quid says that if you bugger off he will change his mind, but this may be solely because he doesn't want to lose his co-parent.

ChangelingToday Wed 30-Jul-14 17:51:02

My ex said this, we were together six years. He is married now and has at least one child. He wanted a child just not with me :-) I was way better off without him anyway and met my lovely husband and have two dc. it sounds as if his daughter is plenty spoiled as is.
I think you are better off moving on while you can, he gave you an out there which kind of makes me wonder if his heart is fully in your relationship.

BettyBolognese Wed 30-Jul-14 17:52:34

Yesterday he flat out told me he doesn't want another child and doesn't want to hold me back if I do. He is tired of discussing it and that he is 100% sure.

I really don't know what to do.

Yes you do.

Choice 1: You end this relationship. You will hopefully meet a wonderful man, start a home and family with him. You are 30 now, you still have time.

Choice 2: You stay in this relationship. He is adamant he will not change his mind, you can hang around another 5 years hoping but he is unlikely to change his mind, by which point you may no longer have the opportunity to have a child. You will resent him. You will regret this decision long term. You will then split up because you can't get past this... You're back to choice 1... But with less time on your side.

HumblePieMonster Wed 30-Jul-14 17:59:29

He's told you he doesn't want you.

He knows what you want. He's said he'll never want that and he doesn't want to hold you back.

He means - no, I don't want a baby with you, please leave.

Pretty horrible, but at least you know where you stand.

Leave now, find someone else, have your own life and your own children.

Gen35 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:03:26

I agree with all the people saying leave. It's sad, especially as you're involved in the dsd's life but he has told you clearly and only a complete volte face and immediately starting to try for your own dc should even convince you to think twice about moving on. ASAP. If someone puts their cards on the table and says you have to do what you have to do, that's it really. Sorry you're in this situation and hope you meet someone lovely soon.

MaryWestmacott Wed 30-Jul-14 18:06:21

Agree, you need to leave, sooner rather than later. If you want a child, this will distroy your relationship anyway, you'll resent him and eventually will end up without him and lost your opportunity to have DCs with someone else.

You are 30, your time is precious if you want a child, or more than one. Put it in a time frame, end your relationship now, spend a year 'getting over' it, at 31 be ready to date again, a year to meet someone you can have DCs with, a year to get to a 'having children' stage, 33 to start a family, still giving you time to have a second (or 3rd).

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