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urgent help required, is anyone there?

(33 Posts)
mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 02:01:49

Hi, I need to make a decision by tomorrow because of court dates as to whether or not to stay in my marriage.

I have been married for 16 years and found out last june dh was having an affair. I kicked him out, he came out, I kicked him out again and he came back again.

I managed to get to speak to ow at the end of September and the whole truth came out. He had been trying to get her back since they split up. The intensity of the affair, he had apparently fell head over heels for her. His words. As it turned out everything he had told her about his life was a complete lie, nothing he told her about himself or his life had been true. I am so glad I got the chance to tell her who he really is and what he is. She couldn't believe how stupid she'd been to fall for his lies. He refused to tell her that he loved me and didn't love her so I got some guts about myself and kicked him out. This time I had no tears and felt free. He has been a controlling husband etc etc etc.

However a month later he moved back in, even though I told him I didn't want him to. Then came the usual promises. I know for a fact he has had no contact her, I shall admit to spying and listening to all his calls, but I don't think he is over her.

He never touches me, kisses me or looks at me. He wants sex daily but hey hes a man, I know that doesn't mean anything. In other ways, I can see he has made big efforts, but to me it seems his heart just isn't in it. Previously, he has always been a touchy feely person.

This affair has changed him, me and taken away the security of my youngest son. He is always worried if we have an argument we are going to split up, hes always asking who's on the phone, where are you going.

I have brought this issue up with him countless times and told that just because he says he loves me, his words mean nothing if he doesn't back them up with action.

So my question is, does he still love this ow and is settling for me (he has a lot to lose financially), or is there a time thing going on where they need to let go? I have tried to stay in the marriage for my youngest, but its like living with a friend with benefits, plus if he is here for reasons other than love its like a ticking time bomb as to when he'll do it again. And I have told him this.

I feel like some weak stupid woman who is clinging on to something that just isn't there. And at what point do you stop thinking about ow on a daily basis.

Sorry if its a bit garbled I'm emotionally drained at this point.

CultureSucksDownWords Wed 30-Jul-14 02:08:07

I'm in an insomniac phase and read your post... You lost me at "he moved back in even though I didn't want him to". Then you go on to say that you have sex daily as he expects it. That's a bit flabbergasting tbh.

I wouldn't stay married to this man. I wouldn't have stood for him forcing his way back into your home, and I would not be having sex with him just because he wants to. I do think that he is in the family home as a default option that happens to come with some handy benefits for him.

JaneFonda Wed 30-Jul-14 02:08:57

I think you know deep inside what the right thing to do is.

You can't live like this - above anything, it's not fair to you.

You and your son deserve for you to be happy and secure, and you don't sound like either of those things in the current situation.

Offering you a hand to hold - I know it's hard to see that things can get better, and it's scary, but they really will - you're stronger than you think you are.

buttonortwo Wed 30-Jul-14 02:09:30

Firstly, I don't think you can make an overnight decision due to some external pressure whether to stay in your marriage when you are so unsure. I think you should arrange some counselling for yourself so you are in a better state of mind to make the decision. From what you've written most on here will probably direct you to ltb, only you can make that decision. I haven't been in this situation, but I'd get out of it. I'm divorced and happier. Keep strong

WhatTheFork Wed 30-Jul-14 02:10:03

I think, and it is easy for me to say, I appreciate this, that you should kick this arse out and look after number one (and your DCs). Take control and decide your own future. Please don't hang around for the crumbs he may scatter your way.

mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 02:23:59

I know in my heart that its over, I'll never trust him again and I don't even know if I love him. Maybe its the length of time we've been together that makes it hard to just let go. He spends 24/7 with me and I mean that literally, he doesn't work and I'm carer to our youngest. He seems to think that just being together all the time will fix things. But how can you get closer to someone when theres little physical contact. We hold hands when we go out, and he wants me to touch him when we're sat together on the sofa, but he doesn't touch me. Whats that about?

emotionsecho Wed 30-Jul-14 02:31:28

The fact you say that when you kicked him out for the second time you shed no tears and felt free should tell you all you need to know.

Yes, he has come back to you because he doesn't want to be on his own and you are a port in a storm until he finds something better. He is just biding his time and using you,. You are providing home comforts and sex without any intimacy on his part, and he won't commit to your relationship.

Don't put yourself through this.

emotionsecho Wed 30-Jul-14 02:36:07

To answer your latest post I think you know exactly what that's about, you're not her but just someone to ease his sexual frustration.

ArsenicFaceCream Wed 30-Jul-14 02:39:04

How old is your youngest son?

mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 02:46:45

hes 8

emotionsecho Wed 30-Jul-14 02:46:47

Sorry if my posts come across as harsh and blunt, they aren't meant to. From what you've said it seems all about him and what he wants and no consideration of you, and what you want or need.

Remember he lied about you and his family life to someone he was 'head over heels' in love with, he wouldn't say he loved you and no longer loved the ow.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together, look at the man he is now not the man you thought he was.

You know you deserve better.

ArsenicFaceCream Wed 30-Jul-14 02:57:08

This all sounds very unstable TBH.

Does it matter whether he loves OW and is settling? The question surely is what do you want? And what can you do to make your son feel secure again?

If I was taking stabs in the dark based on short internet threads, I'd be guessing this marriage is just going to stumble on dysfunctionally for as long as you let it. Or at least for longer than is ideal.

What do you want? How did he come to be back in the house?

ArsenicFaceCream Wed 30-Jul-14 02:59:37

I think you would feel a bit better if you seized the agenda and stopped trying to secong-guess him.

mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 03:01:42

I want my son to be happy, and he's not happy when his dads not around. And yes the marriage will stumble on for as long as I let it. But do I choose my sons happiness and let him have his dad here, or choose myself? My son is mentally disabled and I know he wont properly get over it.

Thumbwitch Wed 30-Jul-14 03:11:30

Do you want to have sex with him? Or is there a level of coercion?

If you don't want to have to have sex with him then there is an option, it's not an easy one but I've known people do it - you could go ahead and divorce him but also stay living in the same house as co-parents. Result for your DS - his Dad is still around. Result for financial issues - neither of you would have to live in a separate home so no extra costs (you'd need to have some kind of contract though so that you paid equally towards bills etc.) Result on the sex issue - you're no longer married, he can no longer have expectations from you re. sex (not that he should anyway if you don't want to - but it can help him realise that as you're no longer his wife, you don't "owe" him sex)

It's not ideal at all - a clean split would be better - but it can work if you both decide to make it work.

emotionsecho Wed 30-Jul-14 03:12:23

That puts you in a very difficult position OP, but can you really cope with this situation for several more years?

Could you stop it eating away at you and possibly having an effect on your mental health?

Could you make sure there was no atmosphere or tension that would adversely affect your son?

It's an awful lot to ask of yourself and I think you would be putting yourself under a huge amount of pressure.

Do you think some kind of mediation and/or counselling would help?

buttonortwo Wed 30-Jul-14 03:14:00

You cannot stay with him for the sake of your son, what about you? Your son would not want you to be unhappy. He can still have a relationship with his dad and probably a better one with you both if you live happily apart.. Whether he'll get over it? Do you have support wrt your son ? You son is not entirely happy now though is he, it's unstable for him...

ArsenicFaceCream Wed 30-Jul-14 03:15:10

He may adjust better than you imagine now.

I had exactly the same worry about one of mine (who has autism so not exactly the same but the issues are similar) but once he knew he accepted it very quickly and seemed much happier - not surprising really the tension had been terrible and, like your son, he had been picking up on it.

Any way you could arrange to speak to a child psychologist to get their take on the likely impact of a split and strategies for how to explain it and smooth the transition, is it happens? Is there one already involved?

If you did that and also quietly saw a solicitor, if you havent already, you'd then have a lot of info to work from.

mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 03:20:51

Thumbwitch, yes I do still want the sex with him, but I don't have the emotional attachment to it since his affair, if you know what I mean. I couldn't even begin to say why I want sex with him, its a mystery to me.

I couldn't just live with him as co-parents, if he lives here his d**k would have to stay in his pants, I couldn't live like that. Knowing that he was dating and sharing a house with me would lead to a prison sentence!

Emotionsecho, I think ow will always eat away while I'm with him. I presume it will lessen with time but it will always be there. It is with everyone isn't it, I suppose you just learn to with it to some degree. And no, I cant guarantee no atmospheres.

mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 03:29:10

Arsenicfacecream, I could probably get access to a psychologist, and the solictors got involved last year. I have a court date on Monday to sort finances, I know that I will get the house signed over to me, without having to pay him off in the future so financially I don't have any worries. I think this is why he's here. He stands to lose £30,000 and 70% is mine anyway. The house was never a 50/50 split as I had money to put to it. He has also been told he will have to stay on the mortgage. This information is from the first court date. My solicitor wants to know by tomorrow though if we are reconciled and cancelling divorce or going ahead as she needs to make headway. She is a new solicitor, mine left a couple of weeks ago. Its a hell of an incentive to for him to stay isn't it.

ArsenicFaceCream Wed 30-Jul-14 03:35:30

Gosh. No wonder you are awake at this hour.

It's a massive incentive.

How about calling his bluff? Proceeding with the divorce? You don't have to get into a debate with him, you don't have to say a word if you don't want to, just tell the solicitor you are going ahead. Follow it through and you can get him ousted from the house with a possession order. But I bet he reacts badly and makes your mind up for you. Just a thought.

Thumbwitch Wed 30-Jul-14 03:36:28

What do you want, mumtopremie? In a year's time do you still want to be married to this person, or do you want to be free?

Even if you do divorce him, it doesn't preclude reconciliation in the future. Again, another friend of mine:
Her H had an affair when their DS was young. She went ballistic, kicked him out, divorced his arse faster than he could blink and got a very good financial deal out of it. His affair fizzled out, she went out on a few dates but never really met anyone else, and they ended up back together a couple of years later. Stayed divorced though (she wasn't running any risks!). Things went somewhat sour a few years later; they split again and she moved out again to her own house (part of the divorce settlement that she'd kept and had tenants in). Another few years later, they started living together again on and off - she still has her own house to escape to when things get to her but she mostly goes there on her own, and leaves her DS with her exH. They're pretty amicable now - she's drawn the lines to suit herself and he goes along with it. Afaik they don't have a physical relationship, but they might and she just doesn't tell me!

If I were you, I think I'd go ahead with the divorce anyway. But it's how you feel that really matters.

emotionsecho Wed 30-Jul-14 03:37:49

You are in an invidious position, whatever you decide, I would say the better option is to end the marriage, but it's not my decision and I don't have to live with it.

I am sorry you have been put in this awful position.

ArsenicFaceCream Wed 30-Jul-14 03:42:07

Even if you do divorce him, it doesn't preclude reconciliation in the future.

Very very good point.

You can protect your position and if he really wants you and wants his family life back he can prove it.

mumtopremie Wed 30-Jul-14 03:44:49

Im not sure calling his bluff would sort out my problem of wether or not to stay with him. You cant make someone love you can you? And if he does love me, its not in an affectionate way anymore. We can live together peacefully, as long as I keep a lid on my feelings, as its always me that causes the few arguments we do have. And its always because I've been stewing about ow. But like I said before, do I stay for my son or just sack it off as a bad job to put it into plain terms!!

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