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I'm so tired

(23 Posts)
ninetynineonehundred Tue 29-Jul-14 22:05:43

I've only just joined after lurking for a year.
Just need some company as I feel so alone tonight.
My husband and I are separated after 15 years. Two small dcs. I'm a sahm which I love.
I've been married to a petulant teenager for all that time but managed to make it all my fault (I was horrible for getting angry with him). Did all the cooking, housework, social organisation, finances.
He's kind, gentle and sweet but the most apathetic person I've ever met. EVERYTHING in our life was done by me.
I snapped a while ago and ended it which forced him to face up to how unhealthy our relationship is. We figured out that he has always been depressed (he is now getting help for it). We didn't realise earlier because the relationship (I now know) was the key factor in me having a breakdown a number of years ago and it was dramatic enough that we thought we knew what depression looked like iyswim.
He's started counselling and it turns out he had a horribly ea child hood (this hasn't just appeared from the blue btw I've known how awful his childhood was all along but neither of us understood what ea was e.g. 'they never hit me' type reasoning). Now the poor sod is having to face losing his wife, kids and the fact he's a victim of child abuse. He and I had normalised it because we didn't understand how bad it was (mine wasn't great either for that but not nearly as awful as his). It's not surprising that he was a petulant teenager really although really not ok. Part of that has been him being massively passive aggressive. When he realised that a month or so ago it was heart breaking because he genuinely explained things to himself in nice terms. He's a damaged kid really rather than a bad man. It's just that although I can empathise as a person who loves him I'm just seeing now how my life has been affected and I just can't do it anymore.
His therapy will be long term and I can't wait that long for things to change.
I'm a rescuer. He needed a mum. It's not hard to see how we stayed together. But now I'm a mum for real it can't be the same.
And we both still love each other.

We got together very young which is partly why neither of us recognised what was going on.

Now I've got nothing left. It was such a relief to hear him agree that we need to properly separate so we can sort ourselves out.
I've wasted my life. Feel so sad for him. My dd will be destroyed. We've been together our whole adult lives. And I've not had a single full night sleep for years (bf babies)
What a mess.

ninetynineonehundred Tue 29-Jul-14 22:14:34

Sorry - posted this twice by mistake. Told you I was new.

farendofafart Tue 29-Jul-14 22:18:19

Hi ninety nine. I could have written loads of that post myself and also came on here tonight looking for someone to talk to because I feel so sad.

Sorry you're going through such a hard time.

Have you separated?

ninetynineonehundred Tue 29-Jul-14 22:22:51

Sort of. We have separated emotionally but can't afford for him to move out until the end of the year.
I'm so sorry you are going through something similar. Sucks doesn't it?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jul-14 22:23:12

You haven't wasted your life! Don't feel like that. You have just took a new road.

You have your dc out of this relationship, it wasn't for nothing.

Things won't be easy and you will have to dig deep for strength you didn't know you had.

You will get there xx

Happy36 Tue 29-Jul-14 22:28:28

Sorry to hear all of this. You really haven't wasted your life so please try not to think that way. In addition you can shape your own future now and maybe have other relationships, should you wish. You have learned a great deal from your husband and vice versa. I have no doubt that your children will continue to bring you much happiness and I hope it will boost your energy and confidence when you consider everything you have achieved through them. Good luck with the next chapters.

ninetynineonehundred Tue 29-Jul-14 22:30:37

All I can see is how he and I could be when he's happier but there are no guarantees and I don't want to get to the end of my life feeling like this.

farendofafart Tue 29-Jul-14 22:34:43

Agree with previous posters that you haven't wasted your life. I've been with my H for 22 years and we are about to separate but I can't allow myself to regret any of that time. It's all part of the tapestry of my life.

farendofafart Tue 29-Jul-14 22:39:37

"All I can see is how he and I could be"

Yes I get this - one of the most heartbreaking aspects of my break up is letting go of my vision of how things could have been.

Try to see that it never would have been that way - it was just a fantasy.

CharlotteCollins Tue 29-Jul-14 22:46:42

You've not wasted your life. You've learnt a lot already and with a bit of time you could be in a position to help people in similar circumstances.

Still, that's probably not much consolation at the moment. DD will be ok - children are very resilient. The best thing for her is if she knows that you both still love her and she can still see her dad.

You are doing a very brave thing here - looking at a horrible situation and deciding on the best way forward. That is a great example for your DC.

When I left my H, I felt in an odd way that I was back in my early twenties, that person I'd been before I met him. I'd lost who I was during the course of my marriage.

You're at the beginning of the rest of your life. You need a breather - time to reflect on what happened (and there's a lot to process there) - and then you gradually start looking forward. You are still young; you have a lot of life ahead of you!

Oh, and I do sympathise with the lack of sleep. I found that having the bed to myself left more room for extras to arrive during the night without disturbing my sleep!

ninetynineonehundred Tue 29-Jul-14 22:48:04

Farend the fantasy is better than the reality! I'm not even angry with him to be honest. His parents are a different story.
Why can't it be easy if you both love each other sad

ninetynineonehundred Tue 29-Jul-14 22:53:18

Charlotte - you are a sweet heart. Thank you for posting here too.
No consolation at all tbh. I wish everyone would reassure me that this is a temporary setback in our journey towards the technicolour sunset together! (joke)
And I've already been colonised by a long pair of wriggly legs and a cute baby bundle in the bed.

CharlotteCollins Tue 29-Jul-14 23:22:10

Good on him for getting help - although it will be hard for him to stick with it for the long term.

You will always be connected through your DCs. And if you still both love each other, that bodes well for future co-parenting.

thisisnow Wed 30-Jul-14 09:37:37

Sorry to here you're having a hard time- it sounds like you are parting on good terms though so that is a positive thing.

My cousin split with his DC's mother when the DC's were young but they still have a great relationship and go out as a family still, they even go on holidays together - they just aren't together in the traditional sense. They have raised two wonderful boys and if you saw them out together you would think what a lovely family - hopefully the same will happen for you.

everonwardsagain Wed 30-Jul-14 09:52:57

I don't think I have anything useful to add, however I would add I could have written your post myself. Situation sounds almost identical. Dh having counselling and so much of how he is is down to his childhood and awful mother who he is now having to live with, hindering his recovery.

Give yourself time, it's all very recent and raw. I've been told it's like a period of grief with different stages. And I truly believe that with loving parents who communicate with children in a way that they understand, they can adapt and be absolutely. And yes, bed to yourself helps with the sleep!!

everonwardsagain Wed 30-Jul-14 09:53:35

*Absolutely fine!

ninetynineonehundred Wed 30-Jul-14 11:36:00

Everonwards do you think that there is any hope for you both together? I know it sounds weak but I so desperately want someone to tell me that it will all sort itself out.
All these realisations are so recent after many years of thinking I/he was happy and I'm struggling so much to cope with the reality.

Both sprouts are sleeping on either side of me right now and I'm scared of waking them up with my crying sad

ninetynineonehundred Wed 30-Jul-14 11:37:17

Thank you thisisnow. It's good to hear that it can work.

CharlotteCollins Wed 30-Jul-14 18:16:01

It will all sort itself out, OP. It won't be like it was before, but there's every chance it'll be better.

You will always be important to him and he will always be important to you. You both love the DCs and you will always have that in common.

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:24:25

^ Sound advice from CharlotteCollins.

ninetynineonehundred Thu 21-Aug-14 19:54:00

So I've now told my parents and our friends know (his parents are another story and his problem!)

It feels real in a way that it didn't before.
He's so so depressed and is having 'very dark' thoughts.
My heart feels like it has shattered into a million pieces and just putting one foot in front of the other takes more energy than I have.
I can't help him because that would play into the rescuer role and part of me is exceptionally angry that he has told me what he's thinking because it feels manipulative.

Every day is another set of disappointments.
I'm only just starting to see how I've been feeling for so many years and it's horrible.
When did it ever get to the point that I didn't want to see him? This is us!

Not making much sense I'm afraid but am sat here crying and just want to know if anyone is there.

Adarajames Thu 21-Aug-14 21:04:18

people are here 99, and yes its such a hard place to be right now, but it will get easier, even if it doesn't feel like it now. A warm hand hold coming your way x

Meerka Thu 21-Aug-14 21:09:00

hold on, ninetynine. It will get easier. People are here.

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