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My wedding night

(30 Posts)
punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 03:47:50

I know it wasn't rape, because I consented. But he knew I didn't want to, and argued the toss. He said it was his wedding night, so he was not not having sex.

So I went and put my little nightie on, and he climbed aboard and it was awful.

This was seventeen years ago, I'm in a new relationship now. Why is it keeping me awake?

Gettingmeback Tue 29-Jul-14 03:56:08

Because it was your wedding night and he raped you. Everything you had probably thought your future and life with him would be, shattered overnight. You would have been completely traumatised. But then had to get on with the business of pretending you were a happy newlywed. Maybe you're happy now which is giving you the chance to really process how horrific this was. Maybe you have a loving partner which is helping you get perspective over what a complete vile rapist your ex was? Maybe you are always still frightened of it happening again, which would be completely normal by the way?

I admire your courage and I hope you are happy in your new life thanks

nooka Tue 29-Jul-14 03:58:16

If you feel that he coerced you then it was rape. You felt you couldn't say no, and he had sex with you regardless, knowing that you weren't interested and not only that you weren't enjoying it but that you hated it. Bastard. What a horrible way to start a marriage too.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:02:02

I'm very happy, as far as I can be, thank you.

But everything my new partner does right highlights everything that was wrong before and memories keep coming back.

My marriage wasn't good, but I thought it was my fault. Sometimes I even got so angry that I lashed out at my ex husband. I was angry all the time.

It didn't even occur to me what was wrong.

Did he rape me? I consented.

Gettingmeback Tue 29-Jul-14 04:04:29

puny you didn't consent. Just because you didn't physically fight him off, doesn't make it consent in any way shape or form. The fact that you still feel this way about it should tell you eveything you need to know about whether it was consensual or not.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:07:13

I suppose so.

What a shock. It explains an awful lot about me. I have anxiety, etc. Maybe if I stare this thing down I'll start to feel better.

I need to divorce him. I don't want his name.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:09:50

He never did it again.

Gettingmeback Tue 29-Jul-14 04:14:45

It's not uncommon to have a traumatic expereince like this, and not make the link between it and personality change and feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. The anger you describe, and anxiety, is consistent with sexual abuse as well as the fact he was probably a complete fuckwit generally Time to get a good understanding of how deeply this has affected and changed you. it will help you to be happier moving forward. Divorce sounds like the least this mung deserves. he certainly doesn't deserve you to carry his name.
[totally made up the word mung because I couldn't think of anything vile enough to describe him]

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:20:00

He was very controlling.

I had an affair in the end. Because it was the only way I could escape.

That was with current DP.

I felt so guilty, but now I don't. Fuck him.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:20:54

An emotional affair, that is.

We waited four years to sleep together.

I'm not coming out of this well, am I?

nooka Tue 29-Jul-14 04:28:42

The only person who is not coming out of this well is your ex punygod. You may or may not have behaved perfectly, who has, but what your ex did is unforgivable.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:28:55

It was very out of character. I've been described as brutally honest.

I was so desperate. I told him I wanted to split up before I even met dp, and he said a flat no, to counselling, trial separation - everything I suggested.

DP was so kind to me. IS so kind to me.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:29:55

I had seven years of counselling and never even discussed this.

What's that about?

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 04:32:28

Thank you all for your help thanks

VenusDeWillendorf Tue 29-Jul-14 04:59:23

Punygod, what happened to you was not your fault in any way.

Please contact a rape crisis centre for some support in RL. Sometimes the shock of what happened can make us put up a shield, and only years later when we feel safe we realise what actually happened.
A rape crisis centre will guide you through your feelings through this realisation and all the associated emotions without blame and with careful support.

I wish you all the very best in your life.

And remember you were not to blame for what happened to you.

Gettingmeback Tue 29-Jul-14 05:01:24

That's about not being ready to open pandora's box probably. Consciously or unconsciously? The counsellor would have got a history from you. Do you remember deliberately not disclosing this or it didn't even come up in your thoughts back then?

lettertoherms Tue 29-Jul-14 05:11:48

Sometimes we don't even consciously realize how bad things were until we experience things which are good - or not even that, but just normal and ok, rather than abusive.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I wouldn't call finding your now DP an affair in this case. That's not something I would ever say lightly or flippantly, as I'm also honest, and morally against cheating - but it sounds like this was an escape from abuse, perhaps the only way you felt you could.

PedantMarina Tue 29-Jul-14 05:15:25

punygod it's probably the very contrast between how bad things were and how safe you are now that's shocking. I'm in a similar situation (workwise) at the moment, and how nice and normal my current team are just serves to highlight how f%&£ed up the previous teams were.

And no flaming from here re. the break-free affair, I can assure you.

Would it help you to visualise ex in that little nighty and his Loki helmet while you make home improvements to Tony Stark's floor with him? grin

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 07:16:24

Pedant smile

It wasn't a conscious decision not to mention it, no. I just never saw it as that important, which is just mad. It's the key to everything.

We came back from honeymoon early, I had babies very quickly, we moved house every five minutes. I didn't want to face it, did I? hmm

Hissy Tue 29-Jul-14 07:47:47

He isolated you in every way imaginable, didn't he?

I'm guessing that you didn't do any therapy after leaving the abusive marriage?

The pain/damage/harm that an abusive relationship inflicts doesn't go away unless you treat it. It will lie there dormant until you're safe enough to allow those feelings out, or until your inner self can't carry it anymore.

Have you read How Does He Do That by Lundy? It'll really help you see what happened to you. You didn't cause this, you didn't deserve this.

If you can get some CBT therapy or better do the freedom programme, and/or aattend a group, you'll heal this hurt for good.

It'll be ok love, the bully can't hurt you anymore.

punygod Tue 29-Jul-14 07:55:35

The babies and house moves were my idea.

When I look back it just feels like I was trying to distract myself. Like I was looking for something. Just keep moving, don't stand still.

Oh, I don't know...

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 29-Jul-14 08:02:15

It sounds awful. Consent does not mean lack of saying no by the way, and if you are coerced into saying yes then it's not consent, even if you verbally agree and allow it to happen, it's still non consensual (rape). This is so misunderstood by so many people. It's frightening how much rape goes on and nobody identifies it as rape.
Contacting rape crisis is a good idea. You need calm professionals to talk it through with I think.

RoseVase Tue 29-Jul-14 08:41:22

I have changed to a previous username.
God, this happened to be too. I don't think about it, and then very rarely something, like this, takes me right back.

We were staying in the reception venue, in a beautiful suite. I went to bed at midnight ish and DH stayed up later. When he came to bed, he woke me up by having sex. I said no. I was tired. He said he wasn't going to not do on our wedding night. Afterwards I remember going and sitting in the bathroom and crying.

We have never mentioned it and 14 years later, to everyone else we are good.

We didn't have sex on our honeymoon though, so it affected me immediately.

But if I bring it up now, he'll think I am crazy.

Glabella Tue 29-Jul-14 08:48:30

This happened to me too. I've just started talking about it in counselling, and it is helping hugely, although it's probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

I know what you mean about not standing still, I think it's a way to claw back some control when you know something is horribly wrong and feel so unstable. I did this too, looking back I don't recognise myself.

HumblePieMonster Tue 29-Jul-14 08:50:34

I'm not coming out of this well, am I
Yes, you are. He's the one to blame, not you.

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