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Relationships

Even the kids now say he is weird

54 replies

AZza09Bingo · 29/07/2014 00:26

Rather long but I need to just get it off my chest. I dont blame you if you dont read it all. Its just tonight aftyer what my 13yo said to me about her Dad, I have to write down how it really is for me to see how crap it really is. If anyone wants to reply then thats a bonus.

Together 18 years. Married 12. 2 teens almost 16 and 13.

My husband has never been outgoing in a social aspect. I have for a long time accepted that this is how he is and I can't change him and nor would it be right too but over the years our lives have become very different. I am telling you this so you understand how we lead quite different and seperate lives.

I even go on holiday with friends and the kids without him as he does not wish to go at all. If I didnt do something then we (me and the kids) would just never go. I (and the kids) have a whole circle of friends we holiday with every summer, whom he has never met and does not know, yet me and the kids talk about these friends in general conversation all year - such as did you see on FB X broke their arm? blah blah etc.

He does the odd rare mountain bike outing with the kids and used to do alot more with them but over the past few years he cba. DD1 was always a proper tomboy and he used to do lots of football and mountain biking with her, but that has tailed off maybe partly because of teenage apathy but mainly because of him. Its never a nice enough day weather wise is his excuse.

Tbh - over the past few years he has become more withdrawn from what I would class as normal life. Like I say he has always been very insular but its become weird now.

On the face of it he holds down a good job, quite well paid, he loves his job and is doing well and is well respected by colleagies and bosses. Infact he is really enthusiastic about his job and is always planning things he does not need to but wants to, inorder to ensure his department works better. Its like a hobby to him and he seems genuinely happy. Its not done because he feels pressured. On the rare occassion I have anything to do with his colleagues - he is spoken about in a very complimntary and positive way.

However at home its a different story. He seems to plan his days around meals. Always eating loads - but he is also very fit. Has to be for his job and he does run reguarly (alone). He hates the curtains ever being opened and if I open them, he will moan and then close them the minute I leave the room. He plays endless computer games and when he is not doing that he watches film. However, he falls asleep during the game/film throughout the day/evening/night. He has a duvet he keeps behind the sofa and wraps himself up in it. He snores so loud when he falls asleep, if we are watching TV too we cannot here it very well.

He is just a slob. He wears a dressing gown all weekend - apart from his run or trip to the supermarket for food. He has to have a good supply of good quality food and he does cook some lovely meals but never ever clears up. He does not stick to any kind of routine. Me and the kids may have a laid back breakfast at weekends at say 10am but he will be talking about how hungry for lunch he is at 11 and talking about what we should have for lunch. No sooner is lunch out the way he is planning tea. But these mealtimes are on his suiting - not the families. Its not rare for me to wake up at 2am to the smell of a curry being cooked.

He has nothing to do with anyone except us as family and even that now is very limited because he does nothing and does not properly interact with us as a family anymore there is little common ground. He tries to force us to watch films none of us fancy and its always one after the other or endless Friends/IT crowd/Big Bang repeats (which I like but not anymore - I could recite them by heart). His only other conversation is what is for the next meal or asking us to make him a coffee.

I dont know what he does at night anymore because his routine is so odd. His nights and days (when not working) drift into 1. He may be up cooking in the early hours but asleep all afternoon.

My 13yo asked me tonight why her Dad isnt like other Dads . She said that when she goes to her friends houses their dads are always dressed in the day, chat and know what is going with school stuff etc. She asked me why he never comes on holiday with us (they both have asked in the past and I used to say it was because he was working - which was often true) but the past few years he has had the same 2 weeks off and stayed at home gaming behind closed curtains.

I don't know - none of this is new to me. I have often thought I wish he would interact a bit more. If the kids have friends around he hides in the bedroom - moves the gaming console in there and camps out until they go - even the friends that come and stay from where we used to live 3 hours away - for 3 or 4 days!!! He gets really awkward and is no support if the kids have friends around just opting out and saying to me "well you agreed to them coming over, not my problem"

There is worse - a couple of years ago me and DD2 got up one Sunday morning and DH had spent the whole night downstairs gaming/film watching and we walked into the living room to find the usual sight of his boxer shorts in the middle of the floor with his socks and a million empty/half drank glasses and mugs/dirty plates and dishes etc but there was also a glass of what looked like apple juice. Apple juice is DDs favourite and back then she was only 9 or 10. She immeadiately clocked it and asked if she could get herself a glass and off she went to the kitchen. I knew we didnt have apple juice and just knew straight away what it was in the glass. It was urine. As I picked it up to sniff, DD came in behind me (I didnt know). I gagged and blurted out loud "you disgusting pig, you have peed in a bloody glass because you are too damn lazy to shift your arse to the bathroom". DD saw and heard me . She was so shocked. She looked horrified and kept asking me why Dad has peed in a glass. She talked about it for weeks afterwards.

DH denied and denied but it was urine. 3/4 years on I still struggle to get past this. I cannot be sure but I dont think this was a first and only offence - although since the fuss I caused to him (in private) over this I have not seen it happen again.

I just dont think I can live like this anymore. I have been in denial as to how odd DH is and how dysfunctional our home is especially on weekends.

Both DC are having friends (from a long way away) to stay over the next 2 weeks and I am just dreading it. I used to be able to put a certain facade on the front of things so we looked like a normalish family but I just dont think I can cover it up anymore and with the kids all being older they must be more aware too. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

There is other stuff I should probably add too but I have already written far too much.

I have sat here tonight and cried to myself. I am certain my marriage is dead. There is no intimacy and tbh he does not appeal to me anymore (surprisingly). I think tonight I have realised I have to end my marriage but I am shit scared and dont even know where to start and what about the kids. DD1 is about to start yr 11 and do her GCSEs. They both adore their Dad despite all this. I am frightened I will screw my kids up if I leave and worse still they are already screwed up because I have allowed this life to develop to this extent. I feel trapped. If I stay it will screw them up and so will leaving.

So sad and confused.

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NatashaBee · 29/07/2014 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Applecrabs · 29/07/2014 00:35

I didn't want to read and run OP, although I don't know what to say that will help, other than, it's hard breaking up a family whenever you do it, there is always a reason why you feel duty bound, as a parent, to stay.

I'm sure more experienced posters will be along soon but I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm thinking of you at what must be a tough time.