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to think this rude and getting increasingly annoyed by it.

(89 Posts)
paddleduck Mon 28-Jul-14 17:55:45

I do all the cooking. DH does alot around the house so I don't mind taking on the planning/food shopping/ preparing chores. and if it where left to him it'd be chicken nuggets every night

Very occasionally, I have worked a longer day and then get too tired in the evening to cook. DH gets really frustrated when this happens. .because he has to feed himself - but that's another thread.

BUT this is what is irritating me beyond belief recently. I will cook us all a family meal and shout up to him say 10 minutes before, so he knows. Then I'll shout him again when it's on the table / dc will tell him.

Then Me and dc sit alone eating the majority of our meals without him, and he'll waltz in 10/15 minutes later. I find this so rude. If I've cooked for him, is it too much to ask him to be present to eat said meal when it's on the table, hot and he can engage in family talk? I consider meal times a social thing and I just feel... disrespected. I'm not sure that's the right word. A few times he's had the cheek to ask if it's cold. of course it bloody is

I'm so fed up of it and it's really really starting to bother me. However we have been bickering recently and I'm trying to avoid picking fights and I know he won't listen even if I bring it up.. so before I lose my cool over it - everyone has left the table and he's still not here- AIBU.

Frontier Mon 28-Jul-14 18:05:29

Yes it's very rude, I don't allow it from my teens and I would have a lot to say if DH did it.

Mind you, I don't know how you stop it. I remember my mum and dad bickering over dad doing it when I was a child and they still do it at almost every meal now.

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Jul-14 18:06:03

What is he doing to account for the delay?

Finishing off a work job? Maybe fair enough.
Dicking around on Facebook? Less so.

Shout up to him ten minutes before serving that you require him to come and lay the table, sort out water etc. This is the code in our house for all parties to present themselves at the dining table and be ready to go.

Not easy with children (and possibly very passive-aggressive anyway) but can you make a point of waiting for him before you start eating? If he has a whiny brood to cope with, he might buck his ideas up.

YANBU - clearly eating as a family is very important to you.

Salemthecat Mon 28-Jul-14 18:07:37

No, YANBU. My dad did this every mealtime for years and eventually my mum just stopped making him a meal. Lasted about a week and he didn't do it again.

Not saying that is the best way to deal with it but it is rude and disrespectful.

bringonyourwreckingball Mon 28-Jul-14 18:07:55

Yanbu that is bloody rude and I wouldn't stand for it. If I cook, he shows up at the table, on time. And it sets a terrible example to your children.

awsomer Mon 28-Jul-14 18:08:30

So rude!

Not that you should have to do this but you could always tell him it's ready ten minutes before it actually is, then he might make it to the table on time.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 18:08:36

Try conning him about the times? When there's 30 minutes to go, tell him he's got 10 minutes; tell him it's ready when there's 15 minutes to go? Then if by some miracle he appears before it's ready, tell him there was an unexpected hitch.

I wouldn't normally advocate lying, but there doesn't seem to be an alternative that might work.

loobyloo24 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:08:40

No YANBU. I would talk to him about it too, but maybe not now when you're annoyed.

I had a similar situation where I was trying to get DP to come home (once a week) before 6 so that we could eat together as a family. DD is still young and gets too tired eating after that time. He would rock up at 6.20 or later and i told him that it was incredibly disrespectful (used the same phrase as you) after I had spent time making us all a lovely meal for him not to be bothered to get home on time to eat it.

I actually told him this when he got home because I was so cross and because I was angry I think he realised I really meant it and that I was quite upset. We weren't bickering generally though so that's why I suggested maybe chatting to him when you're less annoyed.

awsomer Mon 28-Jul-14 18:09:33

Love that idea salem! Do that tonight OP, then report back!

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 18:09:37

Actually, thinking about it, I like the tactic of telling him it's going in the bin if he can't appear on time.

MotherBluestocking Mon 28-Jul-14 18:10:59

Can you sit down with him and explain, calmly, that it bothers you because you feel eating as a family is important and that he owes it to you to respect the time and effort you've spent getting the meal together? If he agrees to make more of an effort, then you are morally justified in binning his meal if he doesn't show up to eat it on time. If he can't see the point of what you're trying to say, then you have to decide how much you care and act accordingly.

paddleduck Mon 28-Jul-14 18:11:10

It is super important to me, it was something we did as a family when I was a kid and I want that for my kids. I like all being together to discuss the day and I think it's good habits to eat regularly etc.

He's never doing a job that can't be left- for example he'll dick about on his ps4, then because he hasn't gotten a shower as soon as he went up, he'll jump in and then dinner will be ready as he's just gotten out. Bearing in mind I already shout up ten minutes before without fail- instead of quickly drying and chucking his comfiest on to join us- he'll start tidying the bathroom, folding his clothes, arranging the towels in the airing cupboard etc. All stuff that could wait the half hr/45 mins max that we all sit down for. . Oh I don't know if I'm just being petty but it's really upsetting and has been going on for months. Maybe longer..

ovaryhill Mon 28-Jul-14 18:14:10

That's exactly what I would do, bin it, my husband developed an extremely annoying habit of throwing his wet towel onto my side of the bed after his shower,
This was quickly knocked on the head when he came to bed one night and pulled back his side of the duvet to find his wet towel neatly laid out along the length of the bed!

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Jul-14 18:15:17

It's almost like a bit of psychological game playing...for what purpose, I don't know.

ElephantsNeverForgive Mon 28-Jul-14 18:15:18

DH got a mouth full for this yesterday, I knew he was busy so I'd warned him twice. He still pissed off up the garden to do something.

If it's something that will microwave, I don't mind as we tend to eat watching TV, not talk particularly, but yesterday's meat would have dried out if reheated.

Yes it's rude and it makes me very cross because my DD used to come in 30min after he was called and my DM is a brilliant cook who didn't deserve him spoiling her food.

DDad can't cook at all, but my DM is far too nice to strike.

ElephantsNeverForgive Mon 28-Jul-14 18:16:19

DDad, both DDs are always hungry and appear pretty sharpish.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 28-Jul-14 18:16:48

Take the choice away from him, OP. If he does it again, tell him that the next time you will not cook for him, he'll have to do it himself and he can eat it alone.

If you don't make a stand about this then he'll keep thinking that it doesn't really matter to you and obviously it does.

Since it actually matters to you, YANBU.

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Jul-14 18:18:33

And just to reassure you, you are NOT being petty. I agree with you that eating together as a family at the table with no phones/TV is valuable time together. And it's fun!

ExcuseTypos Mon 28-Jul-14 18:19:20

Have you told him how much it annoys you?

If so, I'd be inclined to tell him that if he doesn't come and sit down when it's ready, then you'll assume he doesn't want it and put it in the bin.

I would also give him a bit more notice, say give him a 30 min and a 10 min countdown, then if he doesn't show up, bin it. I expect he won't do it again.

Montegomongoose Mon 28-Jul-14 18:19:34

It's passive aggressive bollocks and one of the few things I get incandescent about.


Ask him to set the table while you dish up.

If he's not there when you sit down, sling his in the bin and say you assumed he wasn't interested.

It works.

My DH didn't take too long to train. His father, who disappears for hours in his own home when dinner is served, has done this once, I went and got him and brought him to the table and explained that none of us could eat until he'd sat down. I think the expectant little faces and the huge round of applause I rudely instigated persuaded him.

Can't get there fast enough now grin

paddleduck Mon 28-Jul-14 18:23:30

Unfortunately it's too late tonight. Dc and I ate together in the garden- I don't know why but I did cover his food up. By the time he came down I'd washed the littles down, done our plates and was hoovering. I'm now upstairs running the bath on the edge of tears.

However I think it's just pushed me over the edge tonight. We are just bickering so much recently and although I am certainly at fault for (i need to be more mindful of the things I do that really irate him) I just feel like even when I think I'm trying really hard it seems to end in bickering anyways.

His main bug bear is my tidiness. I tried so hard today, but somehow it's still not right.

trufflehunterthebadger Mon 28-Jul-14 18:29:35

Stop giving him a dinner. Or leave his dinner on the table to go cold.

How fucking rude

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Jul-14 18:29:45

He gets annoyed that you aren't tidy enough or too tidy? And is the bickering one-sided i.e. he picks at you?

paddleduck Mon 28-Jul-14 18:37:02

Maidofstars .. It does feel like he picks yes. But I guess I only work pt and I should be able to keep on top of it all better. Thing is he re does a lot of the stuff I do because it's 'not right' so admittedly I stopped trying. I get annoyed quickly and I expect he probably feels I pull him up on stuff too much. He did apologise when he called me an idiot in public when I forget the receipt for something we were returning.

I know it doesn't sound good. When we don't have the dc we never argue or bicker and it's like the old days. But he is a sensitive, loving guy and adores his dc. I think the frustrations of parenting small people mean we take it out on each other. I just really hate it. Surely it doesn't have to be this way.

CrimeaRiver Mon 28-Jul-14 18:37:21

It's good that you realise this has become a bigger issue because of the bickering. But even if you weren't bickering, it would be a big deal for all the reasons you and other posters have given.

HOWEVER, I do think it's also incumbent upon the person who is doing the cooking to give more than 10 minutes' notice. Not every task can be rightly completed in 10 minutes (I'm not including dicking about on the ps4, or having a shower that you could have had an hour ago; I mean things like homework, DIY that's in progress etc).

It's generally a good idea for everyone to eat at the same time every day (or whatever times on whatever days if there are after-school clubs etc). Routine frees up a lot of time for everyone to organise themselves, and it's also a good way for not allowing anyone ANY excuses for being late, ever.

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