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To feel shit about ending my relationship (long...sorry)

(33 Posts)
Sparklypants Thu 24-Jul-14 20:36:31

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled.

I ended my relationship two days ago and I feel like shit. I thought I'd feel relieved that it's finally over but I don't.

The back story: we were together about 2 years. Things were good mostly, he was caring, loving, generous, good with my dc (.most of the time) and I really thought we had a future together. We had been planning on moving in together as soon as we could get the deposit together for a four bed house (I have 2 dc 17 and 2, he has 1 dc 11). We had talked about kids and he knew from very early on that I would've liked to have had another at some point in the future and He agreed.

Things changed dramatically 7 months ago (early December 13). I fell pregnant. It wasn't planned, I was on the pill and it was a huge shock for us both. I told him straight away. His response was. "I don't want it". He then proceeded to completely ignore me, went away to stay with friends across the country, ignored me more (no calls, texts ect).

Long story short, I had a termination. I regretted it instantly (still do) but in the run up to it (2 weeks) he was so unpleasant towards me, angry and distant. I was left to arrange it all and deal with it myself. I felt like I had no other option. I've been a single parent for 17 yrs and I was terrified of doing it all over again. Even as I was waiting in the clinic (alone) I was texting him saying I really wanted to leave and not do it. No response from him. I feel like he lied to me. Just said what sounded good at the time but never had any intention of us having a baby together. I felt/feel like I was tricked into a relationship with him because if he had been dead set against having a dc with me I probably wouldn't have pursued the relationship and he knew this.

Since then things haven't been right. He wants me to be loving and affectionate towards him. I can't. All I can think about is how he treated me and left me to deal with the termination alone. Only one week after the procedure (that he knew I was upset about) he thought it was ok to start telling me that "so and so" is pregnant and "isn't that exciting for them". I still feel so sad about the termination. I feel like crying when I see happy couples with their babies or pregnant women with their partners. I also find myself feeling bitter and wondering what was so wrong with me that it ended up this way.

He's never really apologised for how he treated me, and tbh if he did it wouldn't mean much, words are only words, actions count for more imo.

He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much he wants our life together but I just don't trust him anymore. If he could do that to me then, he could do anything and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that just don't trust (or even like some of the time). No one knows that this happened, mainly because I felt/feel so ashamed about it. Most people see him as a great guy. Will do anything for anyone, that type.

I don't know why I feel like shit. I should be happy that I've finally found the courage to end it. I've been wanting to since dec but haven't. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I didn't want to be alone again. I don't even know if I love him anymore, but even if I do it doesn't change anything. It's a complete mess!

I'm not sure what I expect to get out of this thread but it feels good to 'say' all of this this because I can't in RL.

jaynebxl Thu 24-Jul-14 20:43:48

That's horrible. Has he ever talked about the termination with you or about why he ignored you? Did he just suddenly get in touch again once it was all over? What a coward.

Bogeyface Thu 24-Jul-14 20:45:37

You're grieving the "might have been". Thats perfectly understandable after any break up but especially when he treated you so horribly over your pregnancy. Your grief for your baby is probably intermingled in there too, have you had counselling about the termination? A termination that you want is traumatic enough but one you dont want is another level of hurt, I've been there too sad

The relief will come, but for now let the tears flow if they want to, its part of the healing process.

And may I say? Good for you. You could have stayed with him out of fear of being alone, leaving him took a special kind of strength. You knew that this man didnt deserve you, you know that you deserve better than him and kicked him to the kerb. You will be ok, I am sure of it xx


SheerWill Thu 24-Jul-14 20:47:22

I'm sure more experienced posters will be along soon but all I can say is well done! You did what was right for you and and that at times can be the hardest thing to do. Having experienced the trauma of a miscarriage with a partner that only cared about himself I know a little of how alone and sad you must still feel. It is a trauma and you will probably always think about it at times, but you won't have him to look at him and feel resentment and indifference building by the day. It's okay to feel shitty, it's perfectly natural, but you made a brave decision and the right one I'd say. X

FreudianGymSlip Thu 24-Jul-14 20:51:36

OP I think you were never so alone than when he left you to face a termination by yourself sad

I think anyone would feel like you do now so don't fight it, it's a normal reaction to a painful time. And I second Bogey - good for you for getting rid.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Thu 24-Jul-14 20:52:36

Good for you. What a disgusting man he is.

You deserve much better, love

Sparklypants Thu 24-Jul-14 20:53:34

jaynebxl, no. He's never willingly talked about it at all and I got to the point where i felt like I couldn't either. Mainly because he saw it as me 'dragging it up' and causing problems.

He came back a couple of days later and just acted like nothing had happened. I've never been this pathetic before and I can't believe I let this drag on for 7 months.

And yet I still feel crappy about finally ending it. For him it's come out of nowhere, even though he has known how unhappy I've been.

Sparklypants Thu 24-Jul-14 20:57:25

Thank you everyone. thanks it's so nice to be able to 'talk' about this finally.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 24-Jul-14 21:00:11

Wow. He really showed his true colours didn't he? You never really know a person until you've faced a crisis with them and there you go. Thank goodness you now know the real him and can feel confident that you made the right decision in ending it.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Thu 24-Jul-14 21:00:26

You were probably in shock from having to go through something you didn't want to and him acting totally normal must've thrown you.

He's a shit.

So sorry too x

inlectorecumbit Thu 24-Jul-14 21:03:25

well done. I am so sorry you had to go through the termination alone, he really let you down big time.
You are sad because you are mourning the future you thought you would have with the man you thought he was--unfortunately he let you down in such a horrific way that there was no coming back from that.

Emotionally it takes time to recover from a termination/experience that you had and l am not surprised that it took so long for you to ditch the tosser--but you have done so and now it's onwards and upwards. Better things are round the corner.
Don't be surprised if he come crawling around-you have to stay strong flowers

jaynebxl Thu 24-Jul-14 21:53:27

What an awful man. He absolutely wasn't there for you when you needed him!

Jan45 Thu 24-Jul-14 21:58:33

OMG what a pig of a man, how can anyone do that and then purpote to love you.

You are so doing the right thing, this is the man he is, weak and selfish, he's proved that to you at a time where you needed him the most, I can't actually believe he did that to you.

This is the real him, weak and a coward, no wonder you don't want to be with him, who would.

knowledgeispower Thu 24-Jul-14 22:30:14

I felt like this recently when I ended a nearly 6 year relationship. Despite imagining how I'd feel if I ended things (elated, free, happy etc) I felt so sad and unsure. Even to the point of doubting whether I'd done the right thing!

2 months on and I'm still adjusting but I'm so relieved I was brave and took the leap of faith! I'm loving my new life in my own with my dd.

So even though our circumstances are different I'd offer the following advice: put one foot in front of the other. Take each day one at a time. You will wake up in a few weeks time with a big smile on your face!

impatienceisavirtue Thu 24-Jul-14 22:41:54

The last thing you are is pathetic.

I am so sorry you had to go through that alone. This man does not deserve you - hold your head up high and well done for walking away thanks

Sparklypants Thu 24-Jul-14 22:52:55

This is the best I've felt for quite a while. Thank you everyone for taking the time to post such supportive messages.

Knowledgeispower, I'm so glad that you've made it through! Thank you for sharing and offering such good advice thanks

Bogeyface Fri 25-Jul-14 00:11:42

Why is it that men who act like utter cunts are so blindsided when they are dumped?! It never ceases to amaze me when they say "I dont understand why she dumped me, I thought we were happy!"

Takes a special kind of stupid to not understand that if you act like a wanker you will be treated like a wanker.

Castlemilk Fri 25-Jul-14 00:30:23

Well done.

You saw the real him - not a pretty sight.

'He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much he wants our life together' - coward. Liar, coward, liar, coward.

Next time he says that, tell him that words are cheap. Actions say it all - and there's nothing more to be said.

I'm sorry about the termination. But good on you for getting rid of that slime.

Fontella Fri 25-Jul-14 00:33:53

What a complete and utter bastard.

He tells me constantly how much he loves me and wants our life together

What an absolute crock of shite. This man went incommunicado when you were pregnant with his child then came back like 'nothing had happened' when you'd had the termination?

The fact that you had him back astounds me, let alone that you stuck it out for seven months.

I never use the C word - which is occasionally used on this forum confused ... but in the case of your ex it couldn't be more apt. He is a C of the highest order.

I'm sorry you are feeling like shit - but you know as everyone else reading your post will know - you have absolutely done the right thing a thousand times over.

wyrdyBird Fri 25-Jul-14 00:51:36

Your ex is completely hollow: full of talk, but with no real feelings.
He says he loves you, but that doesn't have any meaning. No loving person would have left you to face that experience alone, or treat you the way he did. In fact, no-one with a shred of kindness or decency would have done that.
You have done the right thing in ending the relationship, and I hope you feel better soon brew

Bogeyface Fri 25-Jul-14 01:03:46

The fact that you had him back astounds me, let alone that you stuck it out for seven months
Doesnt surprise me at all. After the trauma of a forced abortion, which this was, the OP probably wanted to pretend it never happened rather than have to deal with her feelings. He obliged by acting like nothing had happened.

She was vulnerable and needed "normal", he provided that but it couldnt last. And I am so happy for the OP, as bad as she feels now, that she recognised what he did and what she should do to truly heal.

Sparklypants Fri 25-Jul-14 09:28:52

I agree with all of the comments. Thank you, I am better off.

He's now playing the wounded soldier on social media! People are feeling very sorry for him at the moment and quite frankly it's pissing me off! Delete block, delete/block.

Sparklypants Fri 25-Jul-14 09:42:12

Bogeyface, that's it exactly. I just wanted my life and my expectations of it to go back to what it/they were before the pregnancy. It could never last though. For example, we could have a lovely day out but one thoughtless comment from him would leave me feeling so low, alone and upset.
My emotions were completely out of proportion for whatever was going on at the time.

I feel like I am grieving for what the relationship should've been. I don't like to think of exp being or feeling upset. I'm not a horrible person and the thought of someone in pain doesn't bring me pleasure. I need to toughen up! He's a bit of a manipulator and I fully expect people to flock to him and bad mouth me. It's frustrating but I'm not willing to put my life on display for the world and his aunt to see and make judgement on.

I keep reminding myself that he didn't care when I was in pain, physically and emotionally. I won't go back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jul-14 10:48:40

I think you feel like shit because you were coerced into something you now regret. You made a massive sacrifice for someone who turned out not to be worth it. You can't find it in you to be angry with him, you're not prepared to defend yourself and that feeling of frustration & powerlessness can often lead to depression.

It's not bad-mouthing to tell the truth and it's not being horrible to want justice.

Sparklypants Thu 31-Jul-14 21:21:36

I know this thread is a bit old now but I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who took the time to reply.

Exp has started to bombard me with texts telling me he loves me and that he can't just let go. I've been rereading this thread in an attempt to stay strong and not give in, because ultimately I agree with everything that's been written by you all. He wants to meet up and he's even gone so far as to offer me an all expenses paid holiday abroad!

Thanks guys. You all deserve thanks for helping me stay stong.

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