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has this board put anyone off a relationship?

(27 Posts)
spence82 Mon 21-Jul-14 10:50:08

Am I being weird feeling less confident about getting into a long term relationship after spending a long time reading thread's on this board?

This site was very helpful for me when I had relationship issues with my ex and I know this place is usually advice for people having trouble so won't reflect the majority of happy relationships.

It makes me worry for my rights. As in I own my house if I ever get married will I have to give up half of it etc.

It's hard to explain what I mean but it makes me think I'd be much more secure in life staying single and childless.

Don't even know why I'm posting this really so please tell me I'm being weird and being married is the best thing ever

thisisnow Mon 21-Jul-14 11:05:11

Yes it does make me concerned about things in my relationship that I thought were ok, then I come on here and start to doubt my relationship! hmm

However... I have an uncle who is single and childless, sounds great in theory but he often phones my Dad when he is drunk to complain about how much he hates being alone!

RollerCola Mon 21-Jul-14 11:06:48

It has made me very wary about a lot of things. My exh and I separated last year after 23 years together and this board has helped me a lot.

I've now settled into a new calmer life, I own my home and the children are happy. I've met a lovely new man but I'm very unsure of how to progress the relationship because of how protective I now feel of my children and my home. From what I read I know I've found a very good man which is wonderful but I'm nervous of letting him into my life for fear of what could go wrong.

This board does give a very skewed idea of relationships - it's easy to think that all men will have affairs because of the numbers of posts about them on here. But in reality there are far more good people than bad ones (i think?!) so sometimes you just have to go for it.

When I was having very bad relationship problems I actually couldn't read this board for a while because I recognised so many threads as my own life, and all the advice was to LTB. I couldn't face up to it for a while. Now it's pretty much the only board I read because I'm so scared of making the same mistake.

Red flags are now imprinted in my brain!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 21-Jul-14 11:09:04

Not me - it's the relationship I was in that has put me off for life.

What you should be learning from this board is that being single is not worse than being in the wrong relationship, along with tips on how to swerve the wrong potential partner.

It's lovely to have someone to share your home, bed, problems and joys with, but it's not the only way to live and it's only "the best thing ever" when it works right - although it doesn't have to be "best ever" to be worth doing. A lot of contributors to "leave the bastard" threads have been there and then gone on to form really excellent relationships with terrific men/women afterwards, which is precisely why they are so evangelical about not struggling on in a bad one.

As for your legal rights: unromantic it may be, but you should never enter into a legal contract without reading all the small print, including get-out clauses. Hopefully they won't be needed as you will find a supportive, respectful, affectionate life partner (with or without sex that is extra mind-blowing because you've spent years learning exactly what makes each other tick!).

TheFairiesAreBack Mon 21-Jul-14 11:10:04

The grass is always greener.

NickiFury Mon 21-Jul-14 11:12:38

Not really. My OWN awful relationship put me off.

It can make for hard reading but it's best to be informed. Too many women sleep walk into relationships because they think they need to have a man. We are also conditioned to be grateful that we have managed to hook one of these marvellous creatures, so don't take care of ourselves practically, hope for the best and end up getting shafted.

My single most important piece of advice when entering into a live in relationship with someone is rent for a LONG time first. You are far more stuck in a crap relationship if you own a house. All my friends who split envied that I had far less stress than they did as one of us could just leave as soon as the tenancy was up. I'm not saying don't buy ever, but wait and certainly wait till after your first child is born because that's when much abuse begins in relationships and peoples true colours really come out.

LineRunner Mon 21-Jul-14 11:13:01

I have started a relationship since being on the MN boards and as a result it is a hell of a lot better and more resilient than it might otherwise have been.

I feel much more assertive emotionally and financially, and actually I think that makes me a better partner. Also as there are DCs involved, it has been brilliant being able to read MN advice and realise that taking things slowly is indeed a wise thing, as is being upfront about financial expectations.

spence82 Mon 21-Jul-14 11:21:40

Some interesting response's thank you.

I know I'm probably been daft and if I found that special woman to share my life with I'm sure it will be amazing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Jul-14 11:22:45

I don't think you should take away from this board the message that it's better to be single and childless but I would personally hope the testimonies, problems and advice given would give you the confidence you to go into any relationship 'eyes open'.

The consistent relationship themes I see here are how important it is to retain your independence, be assertive with people you care about, and operate zero tolerance to any kind of ill treatment. Applicable to partners, children, families & friends alike. It's a useful counterpoint to a world that is still very determined to give women the message that they are worthless if they are not in a relationship, even more worthless if they don't 'work hard' to maintain relationships, and abject failures if that relationship fails.

SpringBreaker Mon 21-Jul-14 13:55:21

This board made me realise that I had put up with almost 14 years of being in a crap relationship with a selfish tosser. I changed the way I behaved, he didnt like it very much. We are now in the middle of a divorce, I am with a new man, who treats me so differently and so well, and I have never been happier.

mrsbrownsgirls Mon 21-Jul-14 13:59:42

exactly the same experience as Springbreaker

SpringBreaker Mon 21-Jul-14 14:00:43

my new man is also 13 years younger than me.. so I am definitely much happier grin

LineRunner Mon 21-Jul-14 14:16:29

Mine is only 11 years younger grin

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 14:20:30

Not as such no. It has stopped (or will stop) me from asking for advice on here though.

mrsvilliers Mon 21-Jul-14 14:25:15

I agree with smiles, it seems that if you have a serious problem it is very useful, but minor issues I feel often get blown out of proportion.

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 14:33:12

Fucking hell, someone actually agrees with me for once.

When I asked for help to get my head around things I was accused of neglecting the kids, I can't even tell you how the thread even came to that, it was bizzare. Their dad left 2 days beforehand without a word to anyone, I came on here to ask how to help them. I got flamed instead.

Never again will I ask for advice on here and reading some of the responses from posters it's no wonder sometimes OP's don't come back, especially the men. Critised for everything from spelling, wording, using words like Ladies or (recently), even the order of a list of attributes trying to describe a problem or things they like about their DP can be turned into a stick to beat the OP with. Fuck that.

whatdoesittake48 Mon 21-Jul-14 15:13:17

I wish MN was around for me 20 years ago. Only now do i see the glaringly obvious signs that something was wrong. I could have walked away and saved myself some bruises and a lot of debt...not to mention the inability to live free of anxiety.

kaykayblue Mon 21-Jul-14 15:22:20

Actually to be perfectly honest this board has made me appreciate my partner all the more, and reaffirmed for me how good our relationship is (not that I ever really doubted it if you know what I mean).

It has made me slightly wary about how things might change once children are on those scene, but I actually think being forewarned of potential problems helps you to avoid them.

On the marriage side...marriage isn't all glam and hearts and rainbows. Yes, there are legal ramifications if you split, and that includes property. That's why marriage is such a big deal and shouldnt be entered into lightly. As long as you have both got the same views on marriage (presumably as a serious social contract) and you have both given the practicalities a lot of thought then you are as prepared as can be!!

BelleOfTheBorstal Mon 21-Jul-14 15:25:11

Reading threads on here, combined with the people I come across in real life, puts me off a relationships. I know I will never live with someone again. I am very happy being single though.

dashoflime Mon 21-Jul-14 15:29:40

My DH was repeatedly late picking me and DS up from swimming class.
He would drop us off, then drive to a nearby supermarket to get a coffee, then come back to pick us up. Always, but always 10 minutes late.
Under the influence of mumsnet relationship boards I began to wonder what on earth would motivate such obviously passive aggressive behaviour. Was he demonstrating his power to leave us standing about in the cold? Was he punishing me for some unspoken grudge? Is this a red flag?
Turns out I'd mistakenly told him the 30 minute class lasted 45 minutes. blush

warysara Mon 21-Jul-14 15:45:29

Some people on here are just bitter. Bitter in relationships and bitter in life I expect. They are seemingly the most vocal.

If I were to venture into here and this is my only point of reference, I would run for the hills and live a lonely life in a cave.

kaykayblue Mon 21-Jul-14 15:54:39

I think people calling posters here bitter...are sort of just looking for an excuse to be a bitch. People here give advice based on their own experiences and only ever have the information of the op to go on. I rarely see posts that don't genuinely have the best interests of the op at heart, or conversely, don't call out the mop if its clear that they're being unreasonable.

Which is also in their best interests I guess!

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 16:04:40

Wary does have a point though.

Sometimes posts do come across as bitter, especially with the ones who jump to the conclusion that an affair is at the root of the problem...even when there is no indication of that at all or the problem is something entirely different.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Jul-14 16:11:02

It wouldn't be MN if people didn't see a conclusion occasionally and leap all over it smile You might as well complain about judgemental posts, inverse snobbery, Nestle-hating and a tendency to lean to the left.

NickiFury Mon 21-Jul-14 16:11:26

Nine times out of ten they're right though. There's a script to affair break ups and it's very recognisable. I don't often shout affair, just watch the thread and I honestly can't ever recall being wrong in the end.

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