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AiMU (but at end of tether)

(21 Posts)
Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 16:02:13

Where to start? My first post, so much to explain...
My S(hopefully)TBXH is the most awkward, stubborn, controlling, pompous ass so I'll just refer to him as FW and I'm sure you'll figure out what that stands for. Married for 9y and now have been separated 3+y with DD(11) and DS(7). I have moved on quite a lot, new DP (long distance almost 3y), promoted, marital home sold and now in fab wee house. Am desperate to finalise divorce but FW refuses to attend lawyers to agree DC terms (financial all signed and sealed) and just threatens me constantly with court, or goads me to "take him to court if I'm not happy".
FW has OW who, not only was supposed to be my friend, asked me to be her bridesmaid as due to marry her 10+y DP - according to her friend FW & OW had been having affair while I grieved (badly) for my mum (died quickly from breast cancer in under 2 months), was incapacitated while awaiting procedure for back pain, and was helping her organise wedding. Since separation and their very fast starting of public relationship (OW suddenly split from fiancé couple of weeks after us, not suspicious at all!) I have refused all contact with OW as I don't have people who would do that to other people (let alone "friends") in my life. I do miss some of DCs parties as a result, but my choice. Kids understand OW and I will never be friends again although not all details of why.
I agreed alternate w/e and half of school holidays for access of FW but have struggled to timetable it, last couple of years were difficult enough but this year, FW has communicated NOTHING. I work f/t again (have to) but some weeks are banned from me taking as holidays, quite a lot during school holiday periods. Had asked since end of Dec what weeks/dates he wanted in 2014 several times but no reply until Easter when he confirmed on a Sat that he was taking DCs for a week starting on Sun! Foresaw same situation arising for summer so pursued answers hard and got nowhere, ended up using couple hundred pounds had saved for short break to put them into a summer camp 9-3 for 2 weeks in desperation as had no alternative childcare. Worked weekends to make up time so I could drop/collect them (work were very understanding).
Too much happened to put down here suffice to say controlling behaviour, lack of any communication and general manipulation of situations to make me look bad had pushed me to the edge. Have concerns with his supervision as they often drink to excess (kids in other room), my DCs still sleeping on livingroom floor as OW has small flat and haven't put bunks into her DD room for the access w/ends so kids often up very late and see inappropriate films and TV. Final straw, he bought DS (7) the Assassins Creed video game (15+), told him it has bad parenting to let him have it, then both FW and OW told DS to lie to me about having it. Am beyond angry. DS already having emotional/temper issues at school and awaiting ADHD assessment, often cries and angry wee boy.
Have now requested FW and I meet to agree minimum standards of care via lawyers and until he agrees same have denied him overnight access, just cannot trust his judgement any longer. He refused.
Advice / suggestions please. (Offers of hitman not helpful thanks!)

ObfusKate Sun 20-Jul-14 16:05:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 16:45:46

Thanks ObfusKate - shitty? Yup, but can't really take very much more...
Need practical solution of what to do next.

Am struggling to get by, FW tells me he is too skint to pay for summer childcare as he is saving to buy a house (true) but then rather undermines that by handing DC (+ OW DD) £100 EACH as spending money last weekend. Raging.

ObfusKate Sun 20-Jul-14 16:47:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight Sun 20-Jul-14 16:52:06

Think you are doing all you can. Push your lawyers to send papers to court and pay for bailiffs tp take them round to him. Once he has been presented them by the bailiffs there is nothing he can do, I think the court gives him two weeks yo respond and if not they should sign off on it all without his signature especially as separated for over 5 years.

You can do most of that without a lawyer but go down to your local county court and ask them as they will give you the best advice

Hope you get it sorted!! FW sounds like he is counting on you backing down as he isn't paying his lawyer fees!

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 16:55:27

Scottish law btw :-)

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 17:27:02

To be clear, I have no real desire to stop FW from seeing DC, but I need to know where they will be, how they will be supervised and that they will not be exposed to violent and unsuitable games/movies/TV while they are in his care. I don't think that is an unreasonable request???

magimedi Sun 20-Jul-14 17:34:57

I can't give you any help Everybody but you might ask MNHQ to move this into the relationships topic - lots of very wise people post there.

You say it's your first post so if you want it moved what you have to do is click the report button on your original post & you will then be able to send a request to get this moved.

Sending you my sympathy. flowers

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 17:37:28

Thanks for the advice magimedi

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 20-Jul-14 20:00:40

We're going to move this thread to Relationships in just a moment.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 22:02:16

Can anybody in Relationships help please??? Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:16:49

I think, in this situation, you withdraw completely and leave it to your solicitors. There can't be a power battle if you don't fight.

You can't rely on him so plan your childcare as if it's 100% down to you - then when he lets you down it's no big deal. Go no contact for communications other than childcare and, even then, don't engage in person - short businesslike emails only. If you're not happy with the arrangements, don't send the DCs. No further explanation needed. He doesn't have a nice side to appeal to so no point bothering.

Bullies will use any and every opportunity to stick the knife in so just shut down those opportunities one by one until he's doing nothing but piss in the wind.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 22:27:03

Yes already only contact re holidays/childcare. Have contactless handover in place: grandparents collect Fridays and he drops at school Mondays :-) I set up a really detailed online calendar with all school holidays, events, kids activities, weekend access, doctor and dentist appointments, even dates I cannot swap incase he wants to so it was all there in B&W but he refuses to look at it.
Can't really afford more than one stint at lawyer tbh, even that will be a push.
Polite business like emails get zero response anyway (suppose it is better than the dogs abuse before mind you) but is completely unhelpful and giving me issues at work (they have been great but my hol entitlement almost used up for this year so kind of out of options). Not great being unable to tell the kids what happening during the holidays.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:32:50

Tell the kids they'll be with you for the whole holidays and Dad might get around to organising something eventually. He obviously can't be bothered with them - or he'd rather screw you around if we're being more accurate - so better they know where they stand rather than get their hopes up only to be disappointed later.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 22:33:35

Oh, and told him last weekend he couldn't have the kids (they were going away and I had no info at all except what little the DCs could tell me), so he turned up to collect anyway at the summer camp, told them that THEY could decide if they wanted to go with him or me, they got upset and I had to bundle them into car and drive off in front of other parents. Raging.
Took me two to three hours to calm DCs down from their hysterical states. Yet I'm the one that gets accused of "using the kids like a weapon" sigh.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 22:36:28

Can't do that, have to work the final two weeks and have no childcare in place (he finally agreed to have them then before this all came to a head) and cannot afford to get any. My parents both gone, no close relatives and friends all work too. Bit stuck tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:51:19

He's an unreasonable man. You can't apply reasonable ideas like online calendars to someone who happily renders their DCs hysterical. In your shoes I'd beg steal or borrow the cash for the extra childcare in the holidays, keep the kids away from him and see if he can be bothered to sue for access.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 22:55:49

That was a first. Hope it was the last. I ended up in tears at one point too

MooseBeTimeForSpring Sun 20-Jul-14 22:56:12

Has the divorce been issued? If so, who petitioned and what stage is it at?

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 22:59:17

Nope, Scotland and kids under 16 so you need Minute if Agreement for both the finances (got that) and the kids (he refused). He was the one that left demanding a divorce yet he won't actually do what's needed to get one.

Everybodyleaves Sun 20-Jul-14 23:01:51

I rather forced him into agreeing the finance bit by finding buyer for marital home within 3 weeks of it going on market (he delayed that too - I did everything include decorating and estate agents) - he wasn't happy but I gave him the equity share he'd have got for higher sale price as I'd found something with big equity chunk in it. Some folk are never happy!

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