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A man with love issues(62 Posts)
I need some advice. It would seem that I need a woman's perspective on this. For in the end this is about women or rather my relationship to them.
I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm educated. I dress smartly. I shower and shave. I'm in my forties with no children and no major baggage in the past. I'm employed. Friends and family are good. I have no hang ups.
Yet love seems a very remote possibility. I see women. We have dinner. We talk, chat. Some times things develop. Sometimes things don't. Yet in the end we always end up as friends., or even on the other hand she becomes and acquaintance. Just someone I know and then, they just drift away.
In the end I always seem to end up emotionally rejected, pushed away, or even worse just ignored .
Can someone tell me what is going on here?
Hi OP. Seems a cliche, but you've just not met the 'right' woman yet. Where do you generally meet the women you date? Are you always attracted to the same type?
Have you never met anyone that you felt a special connection with a woman or vice versa? And when 'sometimes things develop', what does that look like? What I'm getting at is, after the dinner, talk, chat part do you make an effort to get closer to someone and get to know them as a person? Do they want to know more about you?
It's a long shot and may only be applicable with someone who isn't from your recent past, but have you ever asked one of your old flames to be honest and tell you where it went wrong? Takes guts to ask for some feedback but sometimes it's the only way to find out.
I know it sounds like a cliché; but there can be a lot of truth in them As for meeting women; there maybe, has over the last few years one too many bars, some at work, I'm freelance, sometimes through family and friends. Although, I must admit there have been a couple of late twenty some things with kids. - but I don't have a problem with that. I just tend to like intelligent women with a strong personality.
Maybe stop meeting women in bars etc and start to try and meet them doing an activity you love?
Look to meet women you like doing stuff with - not just dinner/drinks, be realistic about age groups you are likely to attract - a 20 something will likely view you as her dad or just as a provider and, keep a it!
I agree, widen your social activities and you will meet women with similar interests. Also, I agree about realistic age groups. The idea of asking an ex why your relationship broke down is a good one. It will enable you to see where things went wrong and move on from there.
Have you considered online dating? Allows you to browse women within your chosen 'categories'. This will give you the chance to meet someone who shares your interests.
its nothing youre doing or not doing just because you havent met someone you properly click with
I'm going to run with 'intelligent women with a strong personality'. When you're in the relationship, how would you say you behave? Specifically, do you find yourself deferring to these intelligent women, putting them on a pedestal or allowing them to take the lead? And when you say 'strong personality' what exactly do you mean? IME 'strong personality' (any gender) can often mean a right royal PITA.
Also, when you chat, does that mean you talk about yourself all night? Jeez I've been there. Awful.
Great idea to ask people for feedback. You have to tell them that being honest will help you otherwise they will chicken out.
Also, when you chat, does that mean you talk about yourself all night?
That's quite a leap. Whatever makes you think that?
I guess OD is probably the way forward - POF perhaps. That way you can have loads of dates with loads of women and hone your skills.
On POF I've occasionally had men ask why I don't want to take our 'chatting' any further or why I don't want to see them after an initial date. an dI've been happy to tell them , kindly, what th eissue was. If you're brave enough you could ask these questions.
It may be something as simple as you're talking too much about your hobby, or your teeth need some work, or you aren't as well presented as you think you are.
In my experience (and many others' I've seen), Plenty of Fish is largely a hook up site. If you're looking for intellect and a long term relationship I am not sure that would be the place to start.
No doubt a string of people will be along to tell me they met their DH there, celebrated their fourth anniversary yesterday and have been busy icing their DD's (2) birthday cake today.
BTW OP ... with a name like 'ReadingWomen' one thing you have to understand is that you get nowhere reading women without some good two-way communication. I'm just throwing that in to encourage you to come back and respond to some of the many questions that have been posed. Otherwise we might viperishly start to conclude that one reason you struggle to maintain/develop a relationship is that you're not very forthcoming...
Don't know if this is up your street but there is someone called a Date Coach- Jo Hemmings who's a psychologist. Google for info! She'd help you pick over your behaviour and help you be a 'better date'.
Ignore the all-singing website- she's down to earth ( and no I am not her but have had contact with her professionally.)
Apart from that, agree with other posters who say that if you go for strong women there may be a chance that you are too quiet for them or even too laid back- sometimes strong women need someone to 'push' against who's a bit Alpha rather than Beta. Don't know if this rings any bells?
The other point is- are you asking women out purely on the basis of physical attraction - ie you know nothing about them? If so this will really limit your success rate because a greater proportion are going to be not your type and vice versa.
That's why mutual interests are a good place to start- so you have some inkling of them as people first- so if you are into rock climbing, scuba diving. cycling, am dram, dry stone walling or whatever, use those to join groups or clubs where you can meet women socially.
And as others have said- don't talk about YOU all night but don't talk about them all the time either. If you find you are talking about you 3 times as much as you ask them about themselves, that's a mistake- no one likes dates who are self-obsessed.
Can I ask, did you go to a single sex school?
The reason is that you appear from what you have written that you treat women as a different species. Also just talking in bars and going for dinner each date sounds pretty boring.
Also being 40 with "no major baggage" as you put it is possibly what puts a lot of women off. That "baggage" indicates that you have similar life experiences as the women you are dating.
I'm currently dating a man in his late 40s who's educated, sociable, good job blah blah. No baggage
Tbh I'm starting to realise why, he makes no time in his life for me, his interests always come first, he has no clue about how to make a woman feel special
It's boring, and irritating
How forward are you? As you say you've experienced painful rejection I wonder if you might be being a bit careful and not making them feel very fancied? Perhaps they aren't sure what you feel?
Is your breath good? That can make a big diff, even though its a little thing
I wonder if that is a comprehensive list of the dates he had; many dates start off with drinks and dinner.
single sex schooling notion is possibly out of date. Even the top public schools have admitted girls to the 6th form for almost 30 years.
My 2 DCs each went to single sex schools but they had a huge social network which included both sexes.
The single sex school idea is most definitely not out of date. My dd goes to a co ed school and yet when she is seen talking with a boy, those whose dc go to single sex schools think they must definitely be dating.
Another friend who has a dd who goes to a co ed school in SE London said the same thing happens to her.
Not every parent thinks it but a lot do think that teenage boys and girls talking mean romance is definitely on the cards.
But that is something very different Running, surely?
That's about presuming a relationship is going on. You get the same thing in junior schools sometimes if boys and girls are friends- I have friends who've experienced that with their DCs.
I had a long relationship with a man who'd been to single sex schools- boarding- from the age of 7. He did have issues around women, though is now happily married but only did so very late in life.
many dates start off with drinks and dinner.
But if drinks and dinner are only ever offered what is there to make that date special.
I do think that what some men and women look for in a potential partner is not in reality what exists.
Op you want an intelligent woman with a strong personality that is in her 30s but I suspect you actually want more than that.
The problem is most intelligent women with strong personalities who are in their 30s probably have little in common with a man who has no kids and had no long term relationships.
I must admit there have been a couple of late twenty some things with kids. - but I don't have a problem with that.
And there is the crux of the problem. What you are not realising is that you may not have a problem with the fact they have children but to them you are just another child and they don't need another child especially a 40 year old one. Someone might be able to put it better than I have.
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