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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I in the wrong or is he when it comes to blow jobs?

162 replies

topofthetree · 20/07/2014 05:28

I have tried many times to give him a blow job, but it just never happenes i get so discussed with the thought that i almost throw up. I have no idea why its to the point that i hate even thinking about giving him one. I feel really bad because he would rather have those then sex it seems like. He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of preportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel. Am I in the wrong or is he

OP posts:

Report

olderguy · 20/07/2014 05:43

If you don't want to do it then don't do it, if he loves you it shouldn't matter to him

topofthetree · 20/07/2014 05:49

That's what I would have thought but he says if I love him then I should be able to look past it

OP posts:

Pangaea · 20/07/2014 05:56

if he loves you it shouldn't matter to him

I'm not I agree. Call me selfish, but I saw no future with the man I dated for 6 months who found going down on 'disgusting'. It made me feel unattractive, rejected and unsatisfied. It is not unreasonable at all to want to have your physical needs indulged by a willing partner.

If he loves you he shouldn't pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. He should respect your choice to say no. You are not wrong to not want to give him blow jobs.

However, there is a question of sexual compatibility here. He obviously wants a relationship where oral sex is on the cards. He is not wrong to want this either.

You're going to have to sit down and discuss this properly. Weigh up the options. Either, you continue your relationship without blow jobs, or you move on from one another in search of partner's who are better aligned to each of your sexual tastes.

hesterton · 20/07/2014 05:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

topofthetree · 20/07/2014 06:02

That's what I would have thought but he says if I love him then I should be able to look past it. Ill do anything else for him its just the blow job i can't get over. I've tried compermising to where i would only do it for a little then maybe a hand job but its just not enough. i know Its tmi but this is just really starting to cause problems

OP posts:

melissa83 · 20/07/2014 06:04

I couldnt be married or in a long term relationship with a person who wouldnt do oral or didnt like it. I think it would be best to break up and get with someone less sexual.

ivykaty44 · 20/07/2014 06:09

The more pressure there is the more likely you are to bulk at it. My ex put a lot of emphasis on bj and I just couldn't do it and didn't like receiving much either.

Different story now though with someone else...really enjoy it!

MangoBiscuit · 20/07/2014 06:09

I agree with Pangaea. You are certainly not wrong for not wanting to do it and well within your rights to refuse, hassle free! He's not wrong for wanting oral sex, but he is very wrong to hassle you about it. If he loves you then he "should be able to look past" the lack of blow jobs.

Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 06:28

Agree with Pangaea.

nooka · 20/07/2014 06:45

I don't like oral sex, but luckily for me my dh doesn't either so it's not a big deal. We both generally have plenty of sex drive, although it's come and gone over the years.

So nothing wrong with not enjoying it, and no you shouldn't do stuff you find unpleasant, but also nothing wrong with liking it and wanting it. Unwise to get talk of love mixed up with sexual compatibility issues, and very bad to try and guilt trip someone into doing something they don't want to do, so on that front he is an arse.

However it sounds like it is a big deal to him, it's unlikely to stop being an issue and it might well be best to break up and both look for someone new.

reversecowgirl · 20/07/2014 06:58

my husband gets 12/13 blow jobs a year. (when my period is here) it is not my favourite thing we do but I don't mind, I think I have become really good at it as I can make him come pretty quickly. But before we do anything he has to take a shower and if there is even a hint of an unpleasant smell then I make him go back and wash again until I am comfortable. He loves it and that makes me happy

HumblePieMonster · 20/07/2014 07:05

Certainly do not do anything you don't want to do. A change of partner might make a world of difference.

Needadvice5 · 20/07/2014 07:06

I agree with everyone else maybe your just not sexually compatible?

When I was with my ex I hated oral sex, hated it.

But now I'm with my lovely Dp I can't get or give it enough! It's daily, I actually enjoy giving partly because I know how much he enjoys it.
in fact we went on a little child free walk in the sunshine on Friday afternoon and the inevitable happened, was amazing!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 20/07/2014 07:13

I think for me it would depend on whether you liked the favour returned or not.

I had a partner who wouldn't perform on me, but expected it from me. Led to so much bitterness that it really became an issue.

To me oral is the best part of sex. I'd rather leave out the penetration personally.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/07/2014 07:27

You shouldn't be pressured into doing something sexually that you aren't comfortable with, that's the bottom line. So he's wrong to do so.
If he can't cope with a life without blow jobs he needs to reevaluate his commitment to your relationship and decide whether he would rather be with you with no bjs or take his chances out in the dating market with the potential for bjs in the future.
What he shouldn't do is argue, whine and bitch about not getting them from you.

EverythingCounts · 20/07/2014 07:34

Another one agreeing with Pangaea. You always have right of choice and refusal. I can see how he feels if he knows it seems disgusting to you, but he shouldn't keep pressuring you. If it's that important you will have to split and I would be honest and say that to him.

FatalCabbage · 20/07/2014 07:40

"If you loved me you'd do it" is what 14yos and abusers say. I hope he is neither.

DH loves oral sex. I can't bring myself to give or receive. He respects that and it doesn't feature.

You are not in the wrong but if he can't do without then I agree with pps that it could be a deal breaker.

Lweji · 20/07/2014 07:48

He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of proportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel

He's a top grade bastard and I will be surprised if he's not a bastard in other areas too.
Does he ignore your feelings in other matters too?

Have you told him that by insisting to the point of arguments on you doing something you don't want to sexually, he's a sexual abuser?
You should either leave him or to tell him that you will next time he brings it up and follow it through.

He's a bad apple and I can see years of misery for you, based on his behaviour. :(

lunar1 · 20/07/2014 07:52

He is wrong to pressure you, but I would really question if you are compatible if you are not happy with each other sexually.

Branleuse · 20/07/2014 07:54

if he loves oral sex and you are disgusted by it then its not going to work is it.

Youre not obliged to give it. Hes not obliged to date you.

move on

Lweji · 20/07/2014 07:58

Just pointing out that if the op had been about how sad you felt that you couldn't bring yourself to give him a bj, but he was so nice about it, then I'd probably have also gone about how ok it was.

As it is, he's a twat and doesn't deserve you even trying.

I hope he's only a bf ATM.

Lweji · 20/07/2014 08:03

I love it when people keep banging on about compatibility when there's one partner trying to force the other into sexual acts. He's not pushing her head down. But his attitude and emotional blackmail is virtually the same. The OP has to fight it.

The main problem here is not compatibility. It's his attitude.
You should leave HIM.
Not be told that he should leave you.

But his attitude should be to either accept it or leave.

Your attitude should be to stop trying to please a man with a big red flag waving in front of him.

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WildBillfemale · 20/07/2014 08:22

When I was with my ex I hated oral sex, hated it.

But now I'm with my lovely Dp I can't get or give it enough! It's daily.

I've found the above to be very true. Are you very very sure it's the act that you find distasteful not the man?

If it's the act you would be better off finding someone else who you are sexually compatible with.
He likes oral, you don't, imo it's a deal breaker.

oohdaddypig · 20/07/2014 08:36

I don't massively enjoy giving it but don't dislike it either - but DH loves it (surprise) so I can tolerate, ahem, a few sucks . He seems so pleased and happy that that makes me enjoy it and manage a bit more...

I see it as part of the overall round of having sex - some bits are better than others.

I think your DH's reaction is unfair though. If you really hate giving it, but are happy to do it briefly, I would see that as a fair compromise!

halfwildlingwoman · 20/07/2014 08:37

You don't have to do something you don't want to do. If he was a kind caring person who really wanted you to be happy, sexually and otherwise, he would shut up about it until you were ready. And when you were ready, because he was a considerate lover and you wanted to please him, then you would probably at least tolerate it, if not enjoy it. If you never were ready, than you would have to decide if it was a deal breaker between you. I know for a fact that plenty of men can live with ever receiving blowjobs.
I don't think it's equivalent to discuss men giving oral sex to women. There is a scary aspect to having a dick in your mouth and possibly choking that doesn't exist the other way round. In my misspent youth I encountered men that were rather unpleasant in this arena.

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