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Devastated by cruel words

44 replies

milliemoomay · 19/07/2014 04:14

It's nearly 3.30 and I can't sleep because of my friend's cruel words. It's filled me with an awful doubt about myself - it's a place that I know well and have worked hard to contain. I'm hoping offloading this will help, so I'm just to go with a stream of consciousness - apologies therefore for the long post.

I met my friend 16 years ago at a teacher training course. He was single (but I later found out that he had actually met someone else during that time), my daughter was a year old and I was living apart from the dad. This friend actively pursued me and I kind of fell for all of it. We had a dalliance, bit of flirting, but nothing more than a couple of drunken kisses. The friend then told me about the girl he had been dating and that he wanted to see her more seriously.

I lost touch with him but a few years later, the friend tracked me down (not particularly hard as I worked for a well-know human rights organisation!) By then he had got married and had 3 children. His youngest was a few months old. She's now 6.

We have been friends since. Meeting for occasional drinks. He does sometimes do the 'I'm unhappy in my marriage' thing. But I feel very strongly about 'affairs' and know first hand the damage they can do.

The thing is I'm seeing an awful side to him - he works in a multicultural environment, and he is constantly making snide remarks about some of the people who work there. He claims that there is positive discrimination going on at his workplace.

He makes awful comments about going to East London and him being the only 'white face' there. What makes all of this very odd is that I'm Asian, and, as you can imagine, I actually find his comments and behaviour disturbing. I've told him this many times and we've ended up having huge rows about racism. Yet, he constantly phones me and acts as if nothing has happened.

Yesterday was the final straw. We met for lunch and he went off in a rant about a guy in his department who was promoted over him (the guy just happened to be Afro-Caribbean). I asked him if he felt a lack of self confidence at times as he got quite wound up by others' achievements - and believe me, that was all I asked. He called me up later and abused me, ranting at me for half an hour. He shouted at me saying that my deconstructing (i.e my question about his self confidence) has destroyed him (!!) and that I'm a bully.

I'm absolutely shocked by all that he had said - he even accused me of patronising people and no one liked women like me who showed off their intelligence - that I was always analysing and making pronouncements. He even said that's the reason I'm forever single (that bit is true - I am on my own and haven't been on a date for 6 years!) I can't work out if he's right... was I out of order for asking him about his self confidence? I also now feel what I suspected for a while - that I'm unlovable and even one of my oldest friends doesn't really like or rate me.

I'm not being hysteric nor is it hyperbole when I say that his words have devastated me. It's made me feel like I'm rubbish.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/07/2014 04:17

What about this guy do you like exactly? He's a racist arsehole who has been trying to cheat on his wife with you for 16 years, he's sexist and rude and makes you feel crap about yourself. Why is he in your life?