Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Devastated by cruel words

(45 Posts)
milliemoomay Sat 19-Jul-14 04:14:34

It's nearly 3.30 and I can't sleep because of my friend's cruel words. It's filled me with an awful doubt about myself - it's a place that I know well and have worked hard to contain. I'm hoping offloading this will help, so I'm just to go with a stream of consciousness - apologies therefore for the long post.

I met my friend 16 years ago at a teacher training course. He was single (but I later found out that he had actually met someone else during that time), my daughter was a year old and I was living apart from the dad. This friend actively pursued me and I kind of fell for all of it. We had a dalliance, bit of flirting, but nothing more than a couple of drunken kisses. The friend then told me about the girl he had been dating and that he wanted to see her more seriously.

I lost touch with him but a few years later, the friend tracked me down (not particularly hard as I worked for a well-know human rights organisation!) By then he had got married and had 3 children. His youngest was a few months old. She's now 6.

We have been friends since. Meeting for occasional drinks. He does sometimes do the 'I'm unhappy in my marriage' thing. But I feel very strongly about 'affairs' and know first hand the damage they can do.

The thing is I'm seeing an awful side to him - he works in a multicultural environment, and he is constantly making snide remarks about some of the people who work there. He claims that there is positive discrimination going on at his workplace.

He makes awful comments about going to East London and him being the only 'white face' there. What makes all of this very odd is that I'm Asian, and, as you can imagine, I actually find his comments and behaviour disturbing. I've told him this many times and we've ended up having huge rows about racism. Yet, he constantly phones me and acts as if nothing has happened.

Yesterday was the final straw. We met for lunch and he went off in a rant about a guy in his department who was promoted over him (the guy just happened to be Afro-Caribbean). I asked him if he felt a lack of self confidence at times as he got quite wound up by others' achievements - and believe me, that was all I asked. He called me up later and abused me, ranting at me for half an hour. He shouted at me saying that my deconstructing (i.e my question about his self confidence) has destroyed him (!!) and that I'm a bully.

I'm absolutely shocked by all that he had said - he even accused me of patronising people and no one liked women like me who showed off their intelligence - that I was always analysing and making pronouncements. He even said that's the reason I'm forever single (that bit is true - I am on my own and haven't been on a date for 6 years!) I can't work out if he's right... was I out of order for asking him about his self confidence? I also now feel what I suspected for a while - that I'm unlovable and even one of my oldest friends doesn't really like or rate me.

I'm not being hysteric nor is it hyperbole when I say that his words have devastated me. It's made me feel like I'm rubbish.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 19-Jul-14 04:17:00

What about this guy do you like exactly? He's a racist arsehole who has been trying to cheat on his wife with you for 16 years, he's sexist and rude and makes you feel crap about yourself. Why is he in your life?

ovenchips Sat 19-Jul-14 04:21:40

In a nutshell - you sound lovely and he sounds horrible.

I don't think he's ever been a proper friend to you either. And now the one time you've called him on his unacceptable remarks he has very much gone on the defensive by going on the attack.

I'm sorry it's upset you so much but I should think that's a 'friend' you can well do without.

BobbyGentry Sat 19-Jul-14 04:26:33

He's an arse.

Your self-worth has been knocked by this prick but ultimately it is his problem not yours.

Emotionally, hand back his negativity and go non-contact.

He is not a friend.

For the time being, project ahead in your mind's eye, a time when you feel happy again and secure; it is achievable.

I am sorry you've had to experience such a knob.

sunbathe Sat 19-Jul-14 04:40:58

I think you sound like a strong woman who knows her own mind. (flowers).

It sounds like you touched a nerve with him and he has retaliated by saying whatever he thinks will hurt you.

Wonc Sat 19-Jul-14 04:41:14

I agree. He's an arse and you sound lovely.

You are WELL RID.

sunbathe Sat 19-Jul-14 04:41:40


LizLimone Sat 19-Jul-14 04:58:04

He sounds like a Grade A prick. And a racist one at that with a huge chip on his shoulder about life. Your comment to him about being threatened by others' success clearly hit a nerve. The upside is that you now know that he is no friend of yours but is a nasty piece of work.

Ditch him and don't meet or talk to him again.

WanderingTrolley1 Sat 19-Jul-14 05:19:32

He's not the type of person you want in your life.

Time to ditch him and move on.

MildDrPepperAddiction Sat 19-Jul-14 05:20:25

He's not your friend. He's an arsehole. Don't give what he says any credence.

Nulliferous Sat 19-Jul-14 05:52:40

Wow - what an arse!

Seriously, OP - you sound lovely, but you might like to think about why you considered this racist fucker to be your friend in the first place. He's an utter, utter knob and you should forget about him immediately and go back to sleep. thanks

Deftones Sat 19-Jul-14 06:54:15

He is a prize bellend.

I've had men say 'you'll never be happy as men hate women like you' I.e. being intelligent and a feminist...

well I'm getting married in 7 weeks to a lovely intelligent guy who loves my passion and drive.

Sod that guy, he's an insecure little boy using you has his verbal punchbag. Take no heed! you sound great smile

milliemoomay Sat 19-Jul-14 08:46:21

EhricLovesTheBhrothers I don't know why he's in my life --- I'm of the age where I'm finding that my friends are melting away - too tired, too busy or too emigrated! It says a lot about my life that I have to maintain a friendship with someone that I don't respect at all. Makes me very sad sad.

You're all absolutely right though - I feel that it's a lonelier place knowing someone like him than not knowing anyone at all! Maybe I'm the one with low self esteem after all.

Off to be more self reflective and give myself a talking to. Thanks to all for your kind words thanks

Only1scoop Sat 19-Jul-14 08:50:57

He sounds awful....hope he isn't still teaching....wouldn't want to be in his class....hmm

milliemoomay Sat 19-Jul-14 10:03:42

Only1scoop unfortunately he is. Says he's hugely popular (hmmmm) despite his refusal to "high five" unlike some of the other male teachers who do. He sees high fives as a symbol of... fek, I don't even want to go there. I can't even write the words angry
What does it say about me though that I've invested in this guy at all? That's what upsets me the most now.

something2say Sat 19-Jul-14 10:16:18

Well I'm a bit late to the table but seriously, this guy is one to be dropped.

The racism. The rudeness. The acting like it doesn't matter. Minimising. And that not to mention his behaviour at work, no wonder others are being promoted over him.

Do not take seriously his comments. Chalk them up. Have that good think and then move on without him, you don't have to crash emotionally over this. Honestly xxx

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jul-14 10:27:21

He's a selfish, hypocritical man filled with contempt. He has no respect for you, no respect for his partner/DW (he's a cheat) and no respect for anyone else. I wouldn't feel bad about falling for him when you were at a low ebb emotionally because his type are often charming and plausible. But you should drop him now that you've seen his true colours. Learn from the experience.

Deverethemuzzler Sat 19-Jul-14 10:28:16

He isn't one of your oldest friends.

He is someone you have know for a long time and he has been an utter arse for that entire period.

Your biggest 'flaw' is that you seem to be too nice/polite to walk away.

If that is your worst fault you are doing pretty well.

The reason he is like this is because he can be because everyone who knows him knows that it is not worth challenging him because of the backlash.

You owe him nothing. Walk away from the wanker and don't look back.

You are probably the 'best friend who is Asian' he uses to prove he isn't racist.

Just keep telling yourself This Is Nothing To Do With Me.

If you get an intrusive thought just repeat.

phoebeflangey Sat 19-Jul-14 10:33:19

What a total racist arse, it doesn't matter how friends numbers dwindle sometimes all we need is a couple of really trustworthy and lovely ones. You don't need him in your life, don't chastise yourself for investing in him, it sounds like you are the type of woman to see the best in people and maybe you thought he had a good quality, somewhere?!!
Now he's shown what a total idiot he is, cut him out of your life. And if you're anywhere near the Cotswolds then you can have a new friend smile

paxtecum Sat 19-Jul-14 10:40:02

Drop him.
Stop answering the phone to him. Block his number if you can.

Don't even bother enter a discussion with him about his bad behaviour.
Just ignore his calls and emails.

You are a strong woman and he is an complete knob.

Sandthorn Sat 19-Jul-14 11:31:25

He's just a loser who tries to obscure his deficiencies by laying into other people. What on earth does he add to your life? Cut him out and you'll have more time to invest in making real friends.

You are single because you have enough going on in your life that you don't have to take up with the first wanker who offers. I'd guess the reason this guy's being such a bastard to you (apart from him just being a bastard), is because you haven't tried to hop into bed with him at the first opportunity.

When the time's right, and the man's right, if you choose it, then you won't be single any more. Being single is no indication of a character flaw!!!

Isetan Sat 19-Jul-14 11:38:18

He's an arse but you already know that. Your loneliness has majorly contributed to your attachment to this pig and it's about time you tackled this, rather then actively engaging with this arsewipe in the further assault on your self. esteem.

Now is the time to work on yourself and to fill the void, so as to avoid filling it with another twat. Have you ever had therapy to identify and tackle your confidence issues?

Yama Sat 19-Jul-14 11:39:48

Please don't listen to this guy. He has merely been masquerading as your friend.

Two things occurred to me when I read your op. The first is that you haven't had a date in 6 years which was when this tube re-entered your life. Is it possible that he has been chipping away at your self-esteem?

The other thing is that I can see from your profile that you are reading Tender Is The Night. I bloody love that book. I may have to dig is out and re-read it.

Branleuse Sat 19-Jul-14 11:41:59

He's an arse, youre not.


TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 19-Jul-14 11:42:20

Truth hurts obviously.

He rather blame positive discrimination than his own shortcomings, you didnt agree with him, so hes angry.

Ditch him for good, you'll feel so much better without the life drain hanging off your neck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now