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what would you advise me to do....

(20 Posts)
everythingsgoingsouth Fri 18-Jul-14 18:30:56

..if I said there was someone in my life who lies, manipulates,whose family have cut contact because of years of this behaviour, pretends they have illnesses their gp has confirmed they don't, accuses me of going into their house without permission and taking things/moving things, asks me to go to shop and check their lottery tickets, but says to bring the ticket back so they know I haven't kept winnings for myself, threatens suicide when they don't get their own way, then says that they know they wish they would!this has been going on at least 20 years now,worsening over time, I feel sick on my way to see them or before ringing them and I usually come away, what would you tell me to do?

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Jul-14 18:32:01

I would stop seeing them.

Can you do that?

CookieMonsterIsHot Fri 18-Jul-14 18:35:57

Why have you not cut this person off already?

SpringItOn Fri 18-Jul-14 18:42:23

Stop contact. It will never be any different I'm afraid.

Bruins Fri 18-Jul-14 18:43:15

Is it a parent?

Optimist1 Fri 18-Jul-14 18:43:47

You really need to free yourself from this person. Is there anyone else in your life who will support you in the decision to cut contact?

pilates Fri 18-Jul-14 18:45:51

What age is this person? If it's an older person, could it be the start of some form of dementia?

tribpot Fri 18-Jul-14 18:45:53

It sounds like you are an unwilling carer for an elderly relative? And you feel you can't cut them off as they would have no-one to care for them?

If this is the case, first you should be seeking formal support for this person so it is not all falling on your shoulders. You should also be seeking support for yourself as a carer (Carers UK can help - I am one of their e-mentors) and third if you do feel you have to keep dealing with this person, you need to toughen up and treat it like a job.

I could be totally off-base but thought I'd put it out there anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 18-Jul-14 18:48:02

I'd stay away from them and possibly report them to their GP, flagging them up as needing an urgent psychiatric assessment.

everythingsgoingsouth Fri 18-Jul-14 18:50:52

its my grandmother. I have spent the last 20 years defending her, trying to help her,she really is the nastiest person I have ever encountered.
trouble is, she is now 88 and her memory is going, I got social services to come out and we got some aids around her flat , toilet seat, rails etc.ive been to drs regularly,today I told her dr I find her difficult, but obviously, everyone who hasn't known her years will just think she ia a little old lady,bit of dementia and that I am disgusting.
I told her tonight i wouldn't see her again. i know I'll be family (none of whom see her) will know exactly where I'm coming from.
i feel so guilty though.iam a nurse, a good,caring one,I have the patience of a saint with everyone else.
do i ring social services and tell them she now has no family support?
feel wretched and a failure.i have never met anyone who makes me feel like she does.

thank you all for replying,bless you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 18-Jul-14 18:53:44

If anyone judges you harshly, suggest to them that they might like to take over. You may be a nurse but I've seen those signs in surgeries that say 'our staff will not tolerate abusive behaviour'. You sound like you need a decent break if nothing else. Yes, tell Social Services

tribpot Fri 18-Jul-14 18:59:00

everyone who hasn't known her years will just think she ia a little old lady,bit of dementia and that I am disgusting.

Who's everyone, and why do you care what they think?

You've put up with way too much, and much more than the rest of your family, who had the sense of self-preservation to get out before they reached the end of their tethers.

You can only do so much. And 20 years is a bloody gut full.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 18-Jul-14 19:01:18

I suspect you're incapable of walking away from her without feeling searing guilt. But you have done your best. If you get stick from the rest of the family just say you have done your bit, it's someone else's turn now.

smilingeyes79 Fri 18-Jul-14 19:04:37

I would go to GP, ask for referral to local memory clinic & social services. You get help and support but you have to ask and push for it.
I am currently help care for my nan and great aunt (sisters) who both have dementia .... Its a tough tough job and you need all tge breaks you can get.

SS can put a care plan into action, allocate money for a carer or maybe a day centre. Memory clinic can help with medication etc and review them every 12 weeks and can put you in touch with the Admiral Nurses who offer support too.

Pm if need to let off steam .... Sometimes just a ramble helps x

doziedoozie Fri 18-Jul-14 19:05:40

The dance of anger by Harriet Lerner was a book I read when helping my aging DM. There was nothing specific to your problem but it made me see that I don't have to make myself ill with the responsibility and can draw boundaries.

davidsotherhalf Fri 18-Jul-14 19:34:48

phone emergency social services and tell them she needs support put in place straight away. explain you cannot do this any more.
if you phone emergency social services it's a lot quicker to get the support she needs, normal social services can take months

Optimist1 Fri 18-Jul-14 23:26:56

It's quite understandable that you can't be as detached with your grandmother as you would be with one of your official patients, OP. Other posters have more practical support than I can offer, but just wanted you to know that I, for one, would not be judging you if you called time on this.

everythingsgoingsouth Sat 19-Jul-14 07:40:44

thank you all so much.
she doesn't actually need an emergency referral, she gets attendance allowance of approx. £70-£80 a week, from which she pays a lady privately £20-30 to do the shopping and ironing and bits of cleaning. she still flips her mattress to air it, mops the floor, does a wash and puts it to dry everyday. the memory stuff is slow and sporadic, but its only about things she or other people have said, she doesn't forget to "do" things ,iyswim.
this week she's calling social services racist because they have told her she has to wait on a list to get some bathroom adjustments, not get them immediately. she has £1000s in the bank, but won't spend it "why should i, other people don't have to".......because it'll make your life easier......

i just want to inform SS in case anything happens, like she got ill or something.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 19-Jul-14 08:25:20

Does she have a phone? Neighbours? What role were you playing in her life? If (for example) you visited once a week, the lack of that visit won't make a material difference to (eg) her getting found in time if she is taken ill, and she's sufficiently independent to cope alone like millions of other elderly do.

If her behaviour reduces you to tears on a regular basis, you don't have to go. Period.

everythingsgoingsouth Sat 19-Jul-14 09:31:16

yes, she has a phone. food delivery Monday,carer Tuesday,hairdresser thurs,carer Friday,and she sees her neighbour/friend on a sunday.
this is just such a major step for me. the usual behaviour would be for her to ring me in a couple of days as if nothing has happened, and i go along with it.but after saying "you're mad at me because i don't carry out the threats to commit suicide" is really the final straw.
i just need to find some peace with it all.

have lovely weekend all, and thanks for the support and advice shared.

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