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Ex has just come over and had a huge go at me

(200 Posts)
ICanHearYou Wed 16-Jul-14 18:50:05

Basically because I have more money than he does, and I hear what he is saying, he has around £250 disposable income a month and he hates it.

The thing is, it is NOT my fault that he only has that, it really isn't, I try and be really cool about everything and end up paying out more than half of our shared bills but he still isn't happy.

All these veiled comments about what I 'get a week' and so on. Its really difficult.

He is in a shit place, I know it and I know that it is because we have separated (before I had to deal with the how to pay for everything with no fucking money)

I can't wait until we are properly separated and he feels able to stand on his own two feet. Its shit.

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 17:04:48

Yes I've posted to have a rant and hopefully get some advice relative to my situation and with what I am trying to achieve in mind.

Saying 'just ignore him let him see the kids in a contact center and don't pay your shared bills' is firm for some but not who I am or how I am trying to deal with this situation.

Coping mechanisms for when he makes me feel like shit or ( dare I say it) a bit of moral support and sympathy without loads of 'do as we say or you're failing' strings would be nice too.

I'm not going to stop him coming round and seeing the kids, they are the priority here.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jul-14 17:06:25

At the risk of sounding patronising, do you think that pushing away the very people who try to help you has anything to do with the isolation of being in an abusive relationship ?

And if you do, what is it you think you are doing here on this thread ?

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 17:12:32

I think I've just posted what my intentions for starting this thread were.

It was not to be abused and told what to do further.

I am not good enough, message heard loud and clear. next time he has a go I will just keep it all to myself, clearly I can only post here if I am willing to destroy my childrens relationship with their father and leave my ex in a destitute position. I am not prepared to do those things so I will no longer post.

mindyourown1 Fri 18-Jul-14 17:20:58

sorry but nobody is going to give you coping mechanisms for dealing with his abuse - the only way to deal with him is to have no contact.

And you stating that you are being abused here - well that is pretty outrageous. How come you are capable of telling us to sod off and yet you are an utter doormat to him. I think you are angry with the wrong target.

And no don't post if you don't like what people say - we are not going to mop your brow and tell you that you are doing the right thing, when clearly you are not.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 18-Jul-14 17:22:27

You read one thing and interpret it as another.

We are saying you ARE good enough.

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 17:44:32

I am actually not angry with anyone.

I am far too tired/busy/stressed out to be angry with anyone.

I have said REPEATEDLY why no contact does not work FOR US, I have said it would be ideal, I have said eventually that is how it should be (though I do still hope we can be friends and offer a family unit to the children) I have said all these things but as it stands I don't have the option of being no contact with him without it seriously altering the boys relationship with their father or my ability to work. Two things that I am working hard to protect.

If I have to take his shit from time to time to allow those things to stay then that is what I will do.

Lweji Fri 18-Jul-14 17:45:03

There was one person who suggested a contact centre as a possibility. Hardly what the thread was about.

We understand the September thing. But you can still have minimal contact with him till then

You have been suggested how to deal with his verbal abuse until September.

Up to you.

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 17:51:48

And I have agreed with that Lweji the only posts I haven't agreed with are the ones telling me to stop all contact, to find alternative childcare for every weekend, to stop paying bills that are morally my responsibility and to not uphold my previous commitment to helping him until September.

Because I do need to do those things or I would just feel like a complete cunt and that isn't what I want at all. I spent 8 years trying to make this relationship work, I am not now going to stop trying to make things easy/smooth for the children. So far it has worked, they understand that daddy doesn't live here but he sees them once in the week and at weekends, them being well adjusted and not confused is paramount to me.

Parenting together was always one of our strong points and regardless of how we are romantically, we still grew these two wonderful children together and they are our main priority.

mindyourown1 Fri 18-Jul-14 18:14:27

But the children are not his priority if he is verbally abusing their mother in their own home are they? Pus he pays no maintenance either.

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 18:16:36

He DOES pay maintenance! He gives me £240 a month which is the amount I owe him (less £30) for bills that WE TOOK OUT TOGETHER

I don't know how many more time I have to keep repeating the same stuff and no, I am not defending him before anyone jumps on that, I am defending MY life choices because I feel very attacked here.

I just wanted some support because he was a bastard to me, not told to change things I cannot feasibly change and then 'told off' when I show how/why I cannot change them. That is not supportive.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Fri 18-Jul-14 18:26:33

Icanhearyou, your frustration with this thread and your life in general is palpable. I feel for you. It is so easy to suggest the hard line online, but sometimes it is simply not appropriate and would benefit no one.

My advise is to leave this thread. It is not offering you what you wanted, and is unlikely to turn that way.

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 18:35:00

Yes you're right, I can't do exactly what is expected of me so any support is removed, I can see that now and despite having next to nobody in RL to talk to about this stuff, in future when things happen I will just keep it to myself. Posting it on here to spend 2 days defending myself for not doing things in exactly the way someone else has done them is just too trying.

Its not because I still love him, want him back, want to defend him, choose to live like this etc etc

its because I am making decisions for my family that mean I can work, my children can see their father who they love and have happy times with their parents.

I am beaten and broken by the whole thing, choosing to end my marriage was so hard but so necessary and now all this shit and I literally have nowhere to turn just to talk about it, check I am not being a twat and have a bit of support.

I've tried AIBU, Chat and now Relationships, clearly there is nowhere on this board for me to just talk about my situation and how it is affecting me.

trufflehunterthebadger Fri 18-Jul-14 18:35:05

that leaves him with £200 to feed himself for a week, I wouldn't say that is particularly solvent

£50 per week for one single bloke is the bones of his arse ??? Are you having a giraffe ! I only have £85 and that's for 4 adults and a child !!

Lweji Fri 18-Jul-14 22:23:13

I had a very difficult time when breaking up with ex, to the point that I can't even allow unsupervised access.
There were threats and actual physical attacks.
I did have to have a very strict stance. Cutting all but the most basic contact about DS, whilst still trying to support ad encouraging contact between DS and his dad.
Trust me when I tell you that I have endured worst at this time.

I am explaining this background to say that 2 years on contact is civil, although still minimal.
But there's virtually no ranting at me, playing the victim or threats. Because he realised that his behaviour wasn't having the effect he wanted.

I fully understand your motivations and reasons.
However, surely you realise that you don't have to share a lot of time together and that you can reduce his opportunities to have a go at you.
We all agree that he's a bastard. And we offer suggestions, based on our experience, of how to reduce the abuse he subjects you to. Your children are still witnessing their mother being abused.
You can still have him at yours to take care of the children, when you are out. There is no need for the children to have you around at the same time.
And you can discuss things over mail or text. It is easier. You can read them when you want and when you're ready.

But, if you post you will always get suggestions, with which you may agree or not. You don't have to do anything that is said here, nor you have to justify yourself really.

Unfortunately there's very little opportunity for a big hug or hand holding that could actually make you feel better.
What the boards offer are different points of view, possible solutions and, hopefully, the idea that there's light at the nd of the tunnel from people who've been there.
But you will also be told if some of what you are doing is mostly knocking your head on the wall for nothing.

I hope you do take the advice that you feel is relevant for you and that you have a more peaceful life.
Worst case scenario, from September. smile

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 22:51:43

Lweji that sounds awful, I am so sorry you had to go through that and well done for being strong and getting past it.

It is worlds away from my experience though, my ex is by all accounts a gentle man who would never lay a finger on me (or anyone) our issues come from basic incompatibility and his laziness in sorting it out.

I was always willing to improve things, to work on stuff, to go to couple counselling, to try different things in bed, to really work on it but he was just not there with me.

It has eroded my confidence, I am about 8st heavier than I was when I got together, I have been unable to look at myself in the mirror, so I had to call it a day, it just got too much and I stopped being afraid of being alone.

I want, just once in my life to feel that someone really, really loves me. that they think I am beautiful and that I give them a warm feeling. I know I will never have that from this man.

The comments and the arguments are few and far between, mostly it IS fine but they grate on me so much that I do rant about them (not that I will anymore, on here at least)

He wouldn't ever hurt me, he has made some stupid comments, like about my new diet being 'too expensive' because I am eating different food from the children and eating lots of salad (too much salad apparently) but I absolutely put him straight on it and told him in no uncertain terms that I would not put up with him making comments on my diet or put me down about my looks.

Since then he has not done that. Since our argument on Wednesday he has not mentioned money, he has not been off with me about things and it is a lot easier. I am sure that as we separate more and more, there will be more and more road bumps that we will have to get over, but I will be firm with him and he will accept that.

He is a great father and I firmly believe that he will be a great partner to someone that he loves enough to put the effort into being with. That person wasn't me though, I need more.

bibliomania Fri 18-Jul-14 23:32:43

Hi, ICan, I wonder if you've tried posting on this thread. I think you've had good advice here, but I do get that perhaps you didn't want advice, but more of a hand-holding. I think that thread is more about women who are in the process of disentangling themselves from a relationship, and there's a sense of emerging from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) together. Here you've had people who are perhaps longer out of a bad relationship and perhaps we keep urging to you to be in a place you're just not in.

I'm sorry you feel criticized, and I don't think that's the way most of the posts were intended. You're clearly a generous and honorable person. The important thing is that you are that way for yourself (and your dcs) and not for him. You will learn to be indifferent to him - it just takes a bit of time and distance.

ICanHearYou Fri 18-Jul-14 23:52:57

I don't think that I can join in with women who have been seriously emotionally abused...

Some of the things he has done have been emotionally abusive but they are borne from a lack of love and attraction for me, a lack of understanding about how delicate people and esteem is and a lot of hurt on his side regarding no longer being a resident member of the family.

Its obviously bloody tough for him and he is being unreasonable some of the time. But we will work through it and I hope be firm friends one day again.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 19-Jul-14 00:12:08

I didn't mean you shouldn't let him look after his own children and I'm sorry if anything I said made you feel "got at". What I meant was, as long as he knows you have an alternative he's less likely to try any leverage. But it sounds as though you have adequate leverage of your own with which to counteract it.

I'm very sorry you feel bullied off this board. I think there are so many cases of women who just don't see they are being taken advantage of that a lot of us regulars are kind of geared towards downtrodden women needing to be shown what their rights are. You don't appear to fit into that mould. Not everyone has been that rough towards you, but pretty much everyone is thoroughly disapproving of your ex's behaviour and attitude. (Very much like XH's by the sound of it, although I had to stop letting him come into my house because he started getting ideas. But then my boys are much older and haven't needed babysitting for years.)

Good luck, and keep on not standing for any nonsense.

ICanHearYou Sat 19-Jul-14 01:09:57

Thanks for your message Annie tbh I don't recall the names of most of the people who made comments towards me so I can't say whether or not your comments made me feel got at.

All I can say is that he is well aware of how seriously I will take it if he stops me being able to work, he knows that he has to keep things easy and nice in that respects and I think that he feels good knowing he is needed.

I don't take his shit, ever, if I do it is temporarily so that I can bring it up at a convenient moment like when the children are asleep or not with us.

He does listen though and he does take it on board, which is good. He needs to.

What I don't need is to be told to do a bunch of stuff that is practically impossible for me to do (like never have him in the house etc etc) and then be told that I am 'weak' for not doing those things. That is not the case here at all, everybodies situations are different and advice should be given based on what the asker is going through not what the giver has been through.

As with the marriage, if it gets unbearable or begins to negatively affect the children then I will absolutely change whatever I need to but at the moment the thing that would most affect the children is a severe drop in income back to where we were 6 months ago desperately trying to make ends meet with no hope of doing so.

I won't be posting about the situation again because frankly the endless questions and demands that I justify how I live are too draining and I already feel drained by it all. As I said I've tried AIBU, Chat and now Relationships and the response has been much of a muchness, I am not doing enough, I am not good enough and I have to completely cut him out to ever be a real person in the eyes of some of the people here.

It is not that I am Not hearing that, I am hearing it but I disagree with it and that is my perogative. Unfortunately it means I am unable to seek support here and I do understand that, it is loud and clear but I do think it is a shame.

Lweji Sat 19-Jul-14 07:09:30

Oh dear.
You are falling for the trap of the strong, take no crap, and weak abused person.
The strong people are abused because they think they can handle it. Like me and like you.
It takes greater strength to recognise that we cannot handle it without great expense to us.

I feel very sad for you that you're not listening here and I'm not sure why.

The gist of the thread is not for you to lose income or for the children never to see their dad.
It's basically for you to parent at different times.

I understand that you've had to develop a very thick skin and only listen to yourself because of his abuse. Don't think you were less abused than others here.
That you feel so much anger inside and shut down to the point of not registering the sensible advice, preceding to concentrate on the inadequate advice, is testimony to how badly he has affected you.

You can mostly dissociate from him, without losing income and with the children not losing contact. But you have to be able to let go of your need to be in control.
Throughout two threads you keep making me think of a codependent person. I have been reluctant to mention it because I don't feel it fully applies to you, but there are some common traits and it might be useful for you to ne aware of what it is.
Look up codependency. It's the need to be needed, to control through serving and being useful.
Again, not saying it fully applies to you, but I suspect you'll recognise something there.

And get the prayer of St Francis and read it a few times. I think it will help you.

JeanSeberg Sat 19-Jul-14 07:36:50

There's none so blind as those who can't see.

Hissy Sat 19-Jul-14 07:57:09

AIBU, Chat, Relationships, threads in all three tell you the same?

There'll be a reason for that.

This abusive man is occupying far too much time and space in your life.

He's not respecting you at all, and he's crapping on the hand that is still feeding him.

You need to replan your life, find a job that doesn't need him to comply, or 'help' you out.

He's using these hooks to harm you.

That's why we're all telling you to stop the feeding, access to your home etc. He's still controlling you.

This is terrible for the kids, ut is warping their idea of what grownup is.

ICanHearYou Sat 19-Jul-14 09:30:06

Oh yes just 'find another job' because the three months it took to find this job were a pile of fun!

No I like my job, it is good for me and it is well timed for me.

People need to start responding to what I am ACTUALLY SAYING rather than what THEY have gone through.

I have ALREADY AGREED that spending less time with him would be better for us, particularly if he cannot stop speaking to me the way that he has done.

talking about me being 'angry inside' and 'unable to listen to people' is really cruel, I have listened to people I have tried to engage with people and when I do so I am told that is not okay and that I must just take advice and implement it to my life regardless of how little or much it applies to me.

Frankly if my friend came to me and said 'every time I try and speak with my partner about this issue that is affecting me, they make vague comments about something unrelated and if I try to discuss it I am told I am victimising myself or being blind or treated to a variety of passive-aggressive comments about my inner anger'

I would tell that friend that they were in an abusive relationship! Because this attitude towards people who do not conform is just nasty.

I have been with this man for nearly a third of my life and most of my adult life, we have two children together, yes of course its a huge bloody change not living together and doing everything together, it would be for anyone.

That doesn't mean I am dependant on him anymore than I am on the nursery who have the children in the day while I study and volunteer (so that I can get a better job in a year or two)

I really don't know what I am expected to say here, I have said that if there is ANYMORE of the nasty comments I will be cutting the small amount of contact I have with him down to nothing but when I am working.

I have said that in September he will be completely financially independent because I will not put up with it anymore.

I am listening to what you are all saying to me, I am responding to it but because I am relating it to my own experiences I am told off!

It is frightening that this is the 'help' that women receive here.

bigoldbird Sat 19-Jul-14 09:33:35

The only way to deal with this nonsense is to work out a brief answer and just repeat it until he goes away. The last time my ex tried this rubbish was after 10 years apart, he arranged to come over at 7 to see the children, turned up at 4 and we were out. He tried to give me hell, my reply, repeated until he stopped was 'You said you were coming at 7'. No need for further engagement.

Hissy Sat 19-Jul-14 13:39:26

You have a job that forces you to have your home intruded upon, your life ridiculed, and your food store depleted.

For that you have to seemingly suck up the twat coming anytime he pleases to verbally abuse you, andd extract more money from you.

You post multiple threads, they all say the same thing, and while you're fully able to put your pot down with us, you won't/can't with your ex.

We're not bounded by the precedents you've set in your life. So we can see that you are choosing to live like this.

You have a part time job that means you can't live your life, can't arrange alternative childcare, except with an entitled twat who wants to ruin your life.

Why on earth you don't just get office hours, pay for proper child care and take back control is beyond me. You spent months trying to get these hours? At this price? You must enjoy this misery some how, cos you won't do anything about it.

My ex would love to have the kind of space in my life as yours does, but I don't let him. He won't get to make a single comment about his 'lot' vs mine. Because I won't have it.

This prick insults you, harasses you and you feed him tea three times a week!

If you can't see what's idiotic here love, I can't see how your 'lot' will ever change.

So stop getting chippy with people who do want to see you free of this situation, and start going postal on the prick that's making all this mess!

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