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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dark clouds on horizon?

110 replies

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 20:57

So, only been seeing this guy for a year and a bit. We click very well, he makes me feel great when I'm around him, tells me I'm beautiful, and smart and all of that.
But, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after a previous miscarriage (with ex-partner), and DP wants kids of his own very badly. When I first told him (after a couple of months because it's weird thing to say on a first date), he acted like I'd tricked him. But we got over it and moved on. He's pushing me to find out about surrogacy (he doesn't want to adopt), even though he's saying he doesn't much like it as an option. He says "if things work out between us" all the time with regards any future plans, and I'm starting to get gut-clenching feelings. It took me a long time to accept what happened, and I'm feeling that he's going to dump me for not being able to have his kids. I love him, but is it maybe best to cut and run, because I know to be dumped for that reason will break me. Or maybe I'm just being overly-pessimistic?

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YvyB · 14/07/2014 21:08

What a difficult situation for you both. He sounds as torn as you do though. Maybe you should look in to surrogacy - at least you would know then that even if things don't work out, you really did do everything you could do to try to bring about a happy future for you both. You never know - it might be a far more positive option than you think.

I really feel for both of you.

NickiFury · 14/07/2014 21:20

I'd end it. I don't like the sound of him acting like you tricked him.

Hard for him too though. Do you have children already from a previous relationship?

CookieMonsterIsHot · 14/07/2014 21:27

Why is he pushing you to find out about surrogacy? Why doesn't he find out himself?

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:30

Sorry read about your health difficulties
Your boyfriend sounds ghastly,you didn't trick him.you simply didn't over share
If you already fear breaking up,then it's not stable or fulfilling relationship.sorry

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 21:37

Yvy Thanks, it's hard to look at clearly, if I could have his kids I think we'd be fine, but he's so set on having his own, and his brother has just had his second child.

Nicki actually it was a horrible evening, the day I told him, and he made me feel so rubbish that my best friend is still not keen on him because I was so upset. I have a DD, but DP doesn't think only children are a good thing...

Cookie That's a good point actually, and he was talking about how much he thinks it will cost, and seemed to imply that I would be the one paying for it all. I didn't question that at the time, but I thought about it after.

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Twinklestein · 14/07/2014 21:41

A friend of mine told her bf she couldn't have kids after a lot longer than 2 months - at least 6 I'd say - she waited until he told he loved her.
Now she did trick him imo, he didn't think so and they're still together.

I think if someone thinks you tricked them after 2 months, you're playing a losing game. That and your infertility will always be held against you.

If this is a dealbreaker for him, best find out asap.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 21:44

Yuk, he sounds horrid and that he already has one foot out the door

How dare he act like this. He treats you like a fucking brood mare. Get shut of him.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 21:44

He doesn't think only children acceptable?and based on this he want surrogacy?
Your posts are all about him,where is your voice in all of this
What do you want, how's this affect your dd?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 21:45

I bet we are saying what your friend is thinking. Listen to your friend.

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 21:53

AF your post made me laugh til I cried, not sure why, am possibly a bit hysterical.

Twinkle I told him 2 and half months in, he told me he loved me 2 weeks later.

Am I allowed to feel a bit sorry for myself? I thought I'd done my crying over this but it keeps hurting in new and fun ways.

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AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 21:55

Really ? Oh dear, is that good or bad ?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 21:56

Relationships are meant to make you feel safe, and happy

This one doesn't. The End.

Christ, this bloke is acting like you are defective or summat. Don't stand for it. < braces self for more crying from op >

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:04

scottishmummy I'm an only child myself, and I wouldn't pick it if I had the choice, though it's not the worst thing in the world. My thoughts...I was devastated after it happened, and then for separate reasons that relationship broke down. Then I decided I didn't want any more kids and refused to think about it, changed my career, went back to uni, felt good and positive. My DD lives 50/50 with her father, she really likes DP, and has asked me if she's going to get a little brother or sister (she's 10).
I know relationships are all about being vulnerable but starting to think maybe I could have another child is making me all wobbly. I want to be the woman he wants me to be. Is that it maybe? and that's why i feel all insecure suddenly? Because I can't be? ((Possibly babbling randomly now))

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scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:07

You have no voice,and you want to be the woman he wants you to be.thats worrying
Please get some real life advice,sensible confidant.some support
You cannot shape yourself to be what he wants,that's not healthy

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:09

snort no more crying, promise. I'm not defective, but yes, it is the chink in my self-esteem somehow, and he's (deliberately or not) poking it and it hurts.

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AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 22:09

"the woman he wants you to be"

Fuck, that is well scary

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:15

ok yes, reading that back I sound 1950's nuts. I meant, more like an image of a big family with a husband and lots of kids and yes, that's all picture postcard twee, but I guess we always want what we can't have. God, I think I've been trying to change a bit for him actually.

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AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 22:19

Goodness me, stop that immediately, he sounds vile.

chalkcircle · 14/07/2014 22:19

Relationships aren't so much about being vulnerable as about being safe enough to let your guard down. If you're trying to be someone else for him, that safety isn't there.

scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:19

You're maybe too vulnerable to be in a relationship.stop trying to change

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 22:21

I think you would be much better suited being with a bloke who already has his quota of children

or with someone with even aninkling of empathy and decency would be a good start..

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:26

He's not vile, but, actually I think he's not for me. Not even because children but because I have been letting him influence me in weird ways. He's made me feel guilty for going on a girl's weekend this weekend, and when it was arranged I didn't ask him, just told him I'd be away. We don't live together (he doesn't want to, but stopped me letting a friend of mine move in when she was having some trouble by giving me so many rational arguments i felt it wasn't the right thing to do, and then after felt terrible), and I think I can go away without permission, but still felt oddly unsettled by it. Undermined. That's how I feel.

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AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 22:27

You may not describe him as "vile" but the behaviour you describe certainly is

he sounds controlling and not a little weird

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:31

I'm vulnerable about being pushed for children, yes, but honestly I'm tough most of the time. I've had to be, it's a hard world out there. My mum died just as my last long relationship was ending and I miss having her canny input, and I'm old enough to know myself, but still plenty young enough to make mistakes about people.

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Catsmamma · 14/07/2014 22:33

he's not making you happy....what more is there to wonder about?

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