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Affair of the heart

(60 Posts)
Awfullyconfused Sat 12-Jul-14 15:13:36

DH and I have been together 7 years and have 3 DC. We have had problems in our relationship for the past 2 years and I keep wondering how I can leave him, I don't think I could afford to.

I've met a man, totally out of the blue and I don't think I've ever met anyone I have as much in common with. There's a huge amount of chemistry between us, I've honestly never felt like this.

He's married with a baby. It's an abusive relationship, she regularly attacks him, screams at him and went for him with an iron recently. He says she has issues and feels sorry for her, which is why he's stayed so long, things can be okay for a while, then it all just starts again. Since their baby was born 6 months ago it's got worse, but he can't leave as is supporting her financially.

Nothing physical has happened between is, we talk about how we feel about each other but decided that we need to end our relationships before anything moves forward with us.

Neither of us a sure what to do, it's so complicated. We're under no illusions that it will all end happily for us and we will get married as soon as we leave our respective partners. Any advice?

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sat 12-Jul-14 15:19:12

Leave well alone is my advice. Sort your own problems out, and then move on. He needs to consider whether wife will turn on the baby if she is an abuser.

magpiegin Sat 12-Jul-14 15:24:39

Don't pursue the new relationship. If you want to leave your husband then do that, spend some time on your own etc. if he does leave his wife then you can do something about it in the future.

Concentrate on your eon family.

magpiegin Sat 12-Jul-14 15:24:53

'Own family'

Awfullyconfused Sat 12-Jul-14 15:29:26

I've just realised how callous I sound as have written nothing about my DC, it's all about me and the OM.

My DH is a good dad, just not a good husband. I want to try and divorce as amicably as possible, I'm guessing he must be pretty unhappy too, even if he doesn't realise it's because of our marriage.

My parents divorced when I was 14 and that was very hard, so I am really wary of 'just staying together for the kids'. Obviously they are my main priority, and I know they would hate DH and I to split up, but I just can't carry on like this.

Mrscaindingle Sat 12-Jul-14 15:30:24

You do know what to do and even said as much in your op.

You both need to leave your relationships first and then let the dust settle before you start seeing each other.

If his wife is as bad as all that then he has even more issues to work out but beware that he may be exaggerating somewhat to paint himself in a better light, ie a man about to embark on an affair.

pinkfrocks Sat 12-Jul-14 15:32:07

Not sure what you mean by your last sentence 'we are under no illusions it will all end happily...'

How can you be so certain? You don't even have a 'relationship' as such yet. There is no way you can predict a happy ever after ending at this point.

He's married, you're married.

I'm sorry but I tend to believe that actions speak louder than words.
If either of you were really intent on leaving your spouses then you would, regardless of someone new on the horizon.

You are each using money as an excuse / reason not to. But the reality is that maybe your marriages are not as bad as you like to say they are. It's only the temptation of something new and the added thrill of lust that is clouding your judgement.

What you have to ask is why you have stayed with your DH up to now? If this new man had not come along would you still be planning to leave?

I doubt it.

Awfullyconfused Sat 12-Jul-14 15:38:53

What you have to ask is why you have stayed with your DH up to now? If this new man had not come along would you still be planning to leave?

No I probably wouldn't, I would probably stay unhappy, but it has shown me I would rather be on my own than be in a loveless marriage, it's shown me I could be happy again, even if it isn't with this man.

I don't see the money factor as an excuse, it's a harsh reality that I would be forcing my DC into poverty as would he his child.

Cabrinha Sat 12-Jul-14 15:46:15

Why would it force your children into poverty?
There's likely to be less money to go round, but hey ho. That's not poverty.
At the very least recognise that money is an issue and take steps now. Are you working? Do you have outgoings that you can reduce - like choosing a cheaper car, paying off debts whilst you prepare to end your marriage?

And take what Mr Perfect says with a pinch of salt. Only 15 months ago he chose to make a baby with a physically violent woman? You're getting one side here. DV is real - this could be real. Or it could be bullshit. On your talk of leaving /not leaving your partners, does he plan to go for residency to protect this baby? If not, everything you need to know about him is spelled out right there.

Cabrinha Sat 12-Jul-14 15:48:25

And frankly, and sorry for the harshness here - but phrases like "affair of the heart" make me think the speaker needs a big old reality check.
It sounds more like escapism.
I am sympathetic, a bad marriage is soul destroying, feeling trapped is soul destroying. Forget this man until you are both single. If he's your exit affair, then so be it. But d

Cabrinha Sat 12-Jul-14 15:49:24

But don't get tied up in Mills & Boon stuff until you are on a firmer footing!

ScouseBird8364 Sat 12-Jul-14 16:13:09

Bloody hell, I'd never admit to some of mine & my previous boss' text exchanges to you lot, ouch wink

OP, is this guy a superior to you in work?

Don't beat yourself up, not at this stage...Though I do say this stage as I've been here myself, a few times and it's never just ended there confused

Are you unhappy at home, at mo? x

ScouseBird8364 Sat 12-Jul-14 16:14:32

Ooer, totally wrong thread IGNORE ME!! ha ha!! grin grin grin

MissIreland Sat 12-Jul-14 16:20:05

I've have friend who was in almost an identical situation. my advise was much the same as on here....leave first then decide if you want a new relationship.... But she didn't and is now in a right state as her dh found out about the other man and she is now so completely racked with guilt she is finding it difficult to function.

Please think carefully

Awfullyconfused Sat 12-Jul-14 16:51:09

I'm a SAHM, DH is the breadwinner, our youngest DC is 2. I would either have to get a minimum wage job (unqualified) have to claim benefits.

I'm sure he's being honest, we have a mutual friend and they mentioned the couple and their situation a while ago. I think he's trapped and in a really difficult situation, it's easy for me to say you need to leave but he still cares for her and their child and doesn't want to see them struggling.

pinkfrocks Sat 12-Jul-14 16:57:34

Maybe start planning some sort of career?
If you have never worked and supported yourself as an independent woman now is the time to start. Think about classes in FE, online courses maybe? What level of qualifications do you already have?

Don't forget that your ex DH would have to pay towards his children until they were 18.

ThingyTheBusCleaner Sat 12-Jul-14 16:59:44

So you're using your DH as a cash cow and cheating on him behind his back?

scottishmummy Sat 12-Jul-14 17:03:52

So you're living off your dh salary whilst whispering sweet nothings to another man?
House,food,everything oaid for by husband and you moon around over another man
You and fancy man both are duplicitious.if you had integrity you'd both tell truth

pinkfrocks Sat 12-Jul-14 17:03:59

Ouch- not very helpful.

pinkfrocks Sat 12-Jul-14 17:06:07

OP it's really bollocks what this OM is saying- he could divorce her and pay for his baby's care- they don't have to struggle financially- and no doubt she would be eligible for all sorts of benefits as would you, plus you'd both have to start working. Everything comes at a price.

Awfullyconfused Sat 12-Jul-14 18:33:55

ThingyTheBusCleaner & scottishmummy

I wouldn't refer to being a SAHM as 'using DH as a cashcow', but that's for another thread.

duplicitous, yes, but I don't think it's as black and white as you seem to. we are not bad people and our spouses are not victims of some wicked adulterates hell bend on ripping happy families apart for their own sexual satisfaction.

I think the situation is a complicated one, which I am trying to resolve with as little collateral damage as possible.

scottishmummy Sat 12-Jul-14 18:38:26

Youre duplicitous and dressing it up in florid language excuses of how complicated it is
Youre taking the royal piss,content to be completely supported by dh and see other man
So your dh pays for everything,you see another man.and its complicated?

Get a job
Claim whatever benefit your entitled to
Stop taking your husband for a mug

Awfullyconfused Sat 12-Jul-14 18:45:18


Ok... I seem to have hit a raw nerve, perhaps some projection going on? My situation isn't yours. And yes, it may be hard for you to understand but it is complicated, very. Thanks for the advice anyway, I shall take it on board smile

pinkfrocks Sat 12-Jul-14 18:50:25

SCottish the 'who earns what' is really irrelevant.
Unless you regard all SAHMs as using their partners as 'cash cows'.

This EA is no better or worse because the OP doesn't earn her own money- she contributes to the family in other ways.

OP sadly, it IS black and white.

Everyone who has an emotional or physical affair thinks their situation is 'complicated' and different to anyone else who has been in that situation.

It's only complicated in the sense that neither you nor this man want to own up to what you have created- and the only solution. Which is to leave your marriages.

You are naive to believe all he says. His wife may be a cow but on the other hand he might be the devil incarnate to live with. You simply don't know what goes on because all your hear is his side.

TBH if the marriage was that bad all along, why did he father a child? It doesn't say much about his judgement or imagination if she wasn't able to foresee what may happen, so for that reason alone I'd be wary of any real involvement yet.

pinkfrocks Sat 12-Jul-14 18:52:32

sorry- that should be if he wasn't able to foresee what may happen, adding a child to their already dodgy marriage.

It's the child I feel for stuck in the middle of this. The adults can sort their lives out but the child(ren) is a pawn.

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